#please don't ghost

[runwithapricots]

Inebriated Correspondence, Part 6/?

Dear J,

I don’t know if you will ever see this. I don’t know if I’ll post it, or send it to you at all. It may just stay stuck in my notes on my computer for a while.

What I sent you in those texts were the truth. And I don’t know if they made sense. So I’m using this opportunity to explain further.

I only add one person to my life at a time, because any time I’ve tried to add more than one at a time, I’ve become overwhelmed and ruined friendships. I do this with all types of relationships. I just can’t balance NRE (new relationship energy) with more than one person at a time. And I want to be sure of where my feelings are with a person and how I want them to fit into my life before I try to build a new bridge and cultivate a relationship with someone else.

I even did this with my best friend. She was basically my only friend until I met you, because I wasn’t ready to let anyone else in. And now I’ve let you in, and it’s a whole different type of relationship. I am so glad to have added you to my life. But I want you to get the same concentration she got. And the next person I add, I want them to have the same concentration as well. Whether or not you’re still around when I add that new person is up to you.

I won’t lie about my feelings. I won’t try to be someone I’m not. And I am someone who has to fit each puzzle piece together just right before moving on to the next one. And I’m poly. I want a long-term relationship with two or three people at once. But I want to work up to that. I don’t want to hurt anyone, even unintentionally, just because I tried to take on too much at once.

Right now, the feelings I have toward you are unique. Because I like what this is, and I like whatever it could become (either friends who don’t have sex, or more than just friends who have sex). So I keep getting confused. I’m used to my feelings being fast and concrete. And I’m not having that. I don’t know why. I want to know why.

You said this makes it sound like dating. And I guess, in a way, it does sound like dating. That was not my intention for the tone of that at all. The point I was trying to make is that I don’t know how I want you in my life. I don’t know if I want to date you or not. I have never actually been friends with someone I was having sex with. It’s either been strictly sex, or a relationship. Nothing in between. And this is in between. This is a type of relationship that is new to me. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. And I’m trying to be open about that with you.

I’m not confessing some sort of love or trying to have a boyfriend or anything like that. When I refer to you, sometimes I say “this guy I’m dating” and sometimes I say “my friend” and neither one feels wrong. And I’m trying to understand that. I’m trying to understand why I get butterflies when I’m texting you and why you can make me blush by just saying you like me, but when I’m actually around you, I just feel calm.

If it’s weird that I don’t want to have this with anyone else right now, then I’m weird. And probably stupid. I care about you more than I should. I met you because I was looking to start dating again, and I thought you were too, and I figured it would be like every other romantic relationship I’ve had and it’s not.

I like you and I like what we have and it shouldn’t matter what we call it except sometimes it does matter to me because I’m used to “just friends” being code for “not even really into you as a friend but you do nice stuff for me so I’ll keep you around.”

I always feel like a place filler. I have abandonment issues and I’m often more clingy than I want to be. I care about people more than they care about me. I do things for people that frequently get classified as too much. I’m “too nice” and “too good” according to too many people. I think those people don’t know how to be honest, so they use placating words in an effort to make me believe it’s not my fault they don’t want to be with me.

I’m drunk and rambling. I don’t know if this makes sense. Probably not.

I don’t suppose it matters. You’ve ignored me for nearly two days now. So I’m prepared for you to never speak to me again. Oh well. Bring on the rain.

[runwithapricots]

Inebriated Correspondence, Part 3/?

Dear J,

Hi. I’m drunk. Like, drunk enough to say all of this to your face. But I can’t. Because you aren’t here. You have a thing tonight. Which makes me bummed. Mostly because I know you are leaving soon for a while, and I am trying to stockpile time with you before you go. Like the pictures I take. They aren’t just pictures. They are memories.

So, what I want to tell you is: I think maybe you know me a little too well. Calling out my feelings for N last night. Maybe I was in love with the idea of him for a long time. Maybe not. I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish I could say what it was that I had with him. He called me every day. I texted him every day. We went out every night together. And then I found out what he was telling all these people who didn’t know us or see us together.

And I’m like you. I give him so much benefit of the doubt. I excuse his actions over and over again. Because he was hurt. “Broken people break people.” And he’s broken. So he broke me. But that’s not the whole truth. The truth is that he knew what he was doing. He lied about me. Lied to me. Lied to his friends. Lied to my friends. Claimed to want one thing and then went completely sideways.

And it was a different kind of betrayal than what you went through. But a betrayal nonetheless. And I have a soft spot for him. So I understand. When you talk about her. I get it. And I think that’s why I push so hard for you to recognize what she did. Because I see myself in you.

Another thing I want to tell you: I want us to have a word for whatever this is. We are more than friends. At least, it feels that way to me. But we aren’t in a relationship. At least, not a standard one. I don’t want to be in a standard relationship right now. Or maybe I do. I don’t know sometimes how serious I want things to be with you. I get these warm feelings and then I get scared.

And I have Otay in her super fast relationship and she wants me to be happy, so I try to think about a future with you, and it fucking scares me. Because I think we could make a go of it. But at the same time, I think it’s too soon to think about it. I’m only even thinking about it because my bff wants me to have what she has. But what I have is awesome. I have you.

You’re such a great guy. You are a really good friend. You support me. You listen to me, even when the words have a hard time coming out. You trust me with your past. You’re fantastic in bed. You’re a great cuddler. (I never was into the whole “cuddling all night” thing before you, but you fit so nicely against my body, it just feels right.)

So, can we come up with a couple of terms for what we’ve got? Something that is ours to describe our relationship to one another. Something I can say besides I like you and I love you, because neither of those quite fit. I know I’m supposed to be the linguist here, but some help would be nice. It sort of feels like we’re heading into open relationship territory, and that’s cool, but I need to know what the boundaries are.

Anyway, I guess that’s it for now. I wish I could have this conversation with you. In person. Maybe not drunk. But that’s just really hard to do given our current circumstances.

Good night.

[nekojen-blog]

ALA IS COMING UP IN 10 DAYS

Friendly reminder to please DON'T GHOST ALA

The whole block is sold out and the badges are also sold out, so it's really in your best interest to not go if you don't have either a hotel room or a badge.

Save yourself the money and time and invest in a project you've been meaning to do, another con you want to go to that hasn't been sold out, BILLS, NECESSITIES, YOURSELF.

Seriously though, for your own sake and safety, and the safety of others, both con-affiliated and non-affiliated, if you haven't procured a badge, a hotel, or a means of transportation, it is probably in your best interest to just /not/ go.

And remember that there are OTHER CONS you can go to in the future. DON'T make ALA 2015 your ultimatum. That is a dumb idea. 

And if you have friends you just wanna meet up with at the con, I suggest making plans with said friends instead, because if they are really your friends, they will try their best to make time for you to hang out at least sometimes. If they don't try to meet up with you outside of cons at all (you know, for things like birthdays, holidays, or just hanging out in general), they're probably not really friends.

Just, please please PLEASE DON'T GHOST ALA 2015

[nekojen-blog]

Issue of ALA 2014

ATTENTION PLEASE

I'm sure many of you know that ALA is a small con. As such, they set a limit this year on how many attendees they could have. Limits are set for a reason, usually very good ones!

If you couldn't buy a badge this year because they sold out or because you couldn't afford one, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND SAVING UP FOR NEXT YEAR.

I understand how fun it is to go to cons and how awesome it is to be able to meet with con friends, but ghosting a small, popular and WIDELY OVERCROWDED convention is NOT the way to go.

ALA is hosted by a hotel that is near LAX, THE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, so you can BET that there will be many hotel guests that are NOT con affiliated.

ALA already has a bad reputation because of the overcrowding, which is a SAFETY/FIRE HAZARD. If you /really/ want to have fun at a con, I suggest going to one that isn't so crowded, or buying a badge so that you are guaranteed entry to a con. Conventions always need funding, otherwise they flop, so ghosting a con that you know is worth going to doesn't help them, it only harms the reputation of said cons and may even lead to cancellation due to lack of funding,

Moreover, other hotel guests who are not used to cons like ALA may cause trouble for attendees, or vice versa, which is another reason why limits are set: to make a con more manageable, safe, and fun for attendees and other guests! 

If you are planning to ghost, I suggest you reconsider, for your own safety and the safety of others! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bear in mind that you may be PUTTING LIVES AT RISK by ghosting.

Let's put it this way: if you feel you /absolutely need to/ attend a certain con, then you should save up for it and pay for it. If you think ghosting every con is a good idea, you are only harming the chances of said cons to happen again in the future, and making things less enjoyable for yourself.