#pleasedon'thurtmeifi'mwrong

[andyteacupcultist]

I’m not sure what kind of mood accidentally turning what was supposed to be a lighthearted talk about identity into something that hits painfully close to home is, but I’m sure it’s some kind of mood.

(Writing related.)

[andyteacupcultist]

Just something I’ve been wondering about sensory (?) food issues(?).

If I need to put any tags/remove any tags or put trigger warnings and such, please tell me, I’m new to this and afraid of messing up.

I honestly don’t know where to start, aside from saying that I’m probably autistic and will be evaluated in, well 2 1/2 weeks.

(It honestly seems kind of incredible to write this after waiting so long and it getting postponed due to corona)

I’m kind of compiling everything that points towards the possibility and I used to think I probably don’t have many issues with food since I don't have problems that are as extreme as those I often see described (being literally unable to eat it/having to throw up afterwards and having that be the case with many/most foods...), but I kind of have a “habit” of not daring to actually admit to any of my problems because others have worse experiences in that area.

So, back when I was still eating meat, there was a time where any and all fat on said meat grossed me out. I can’t remember clearly, but possibly to “I literally can’t eat this” levels.

Some kinds of lemon flavours, mostly artificial ones with lots of sugar, make me feel sick. Not throwing-up-now sick but definitely queasy and unwell.

Onions, particularly cooked onions that have lost their sharpness, usually just taste absolutely sickly sweet and rotting to me. Like a carcass that’s been dead for a week, then got eaten and vomited out again.

Raw onions aren’t great, but edible.

It’s not as bad with other allium family members, but it’s still not a great taste and it’s very overpowering. Though I think bear leek is nice in small amounts and tastes far better?

There are some contexts/small amounts where onions are okay, mostly when they don’t taste like onions. I don’t have huge issues if there’s just a tiny bit or if the onions were cooked in the soup but I don’t have to eat the onions themselves, but larger amounts just start tasting off to me.

I don’t care for some breads and rolls.

Not that I hate them or couldn’t eat them, I do at times, but depending on the texture I may chose to go hungry* till I made myself something I like better, or just not bothering at all if people are around** or there are other reasons I don’t feel like I can make myself something.

Things like not being able to decide what to do with the things I actually have, mostly when there are relatively few things I like. Not related to this, but probably still some sort of autistic thing.

Similarly, some cakes made with white flour are just pretty unappealing to me. Not that I love every whole grain cake but the margin of error is definitely far bigger.

Or it’s got to do with how the places I can get those cakes making better cakes and it almost being restricted to self-made scratch cakes so it’s “just” a texture thing? IDK.

I don’t like raw bananas, with grilled ones it really depends but the only way I may like them is if they’re seasoned and cooked all the way through.

I absolutely can’t eat raw egg whites, the texture is just revolting. I can’t swallow it, even if I try. Slightly soft is okay, as long as it’s not slimy, same issue with okra, lovely taste but the slime is just...nope.

I don’t really like yogurt anymore. I used to, but now with most yogurt-y milk products I just can't really get past that particular kind of sourness. I like sour in general, but not that slightly rancid tasting kind of sour.

Also, I seem to be more sensible to heat than most people, or at least most adults. I don’t get how they can just take freshly made coffee, put some milk in and drink it, that stuff has to cool a bit or it literally burns me, how does that even work? (Not a huge issue but still??)

Sorry for the long post, but does this “count”? Is this stuff worth mentioning?

I think part of what makes me feel like I’m faking or lying saying this is that it’s not as black and white as “I can’t eat this” in, really, any of these cases. It all is very much situational, varying in intensity from day to day, how much there is, the exact flavours (fromage blanc is kinda yogurt-y but actually delicious and I wish I could have it here, unfortunately it’s a French thing), the exact preparation, the exact thing...

So it’s not “I can’t eat onions”, it’s “I really dislike them in most ways they’re commonly prepared in the west, in larger quantities and depending on the kind of onion, but if your onions don't taste of onion I’ll eat them even if they’re in large chunks”. 

It’s also mostly not...I guess “stereotypical” issues? Or overly obvious things? Because the result isn’t that I eat unhealthily, but that I often prefer and prepare things that would be considered “healthy” (or possibly foreign/””exotic””? Dried mango is the best spice, jut saying.), sometimes to the point where I’m worried people will judge me for it and people probably don’t realize that there’s a deeper reason for it?

That also makes it hard to get the point across to people because it often seems so contradictory that I, for example, can’t have lemon sweets but will throw lemon zest in almost every cake I make.

*Which may be significant because I usually don’t eat anything until I’m really hungry, especially when left to my own devices, and even then I may decide that reading something about my special interests for three hours is really more important than eating. Though that may be a case of sensory issues/weird prioritization. I do feel that I’m really hungry but it doesn’t quite register as this super important thing to me. Overall I eat enough, don’t worry.

**Probably trauma related. Some days it’s worse, some better, but overall it’s livable. People that aren’t family are the worst, though.