wanting you is a fucking curse
There's a reason why we only got to know each other when you had someone. We're never meant to connect with each other in that way. But if that's the case, what's up with all that you told me? I can't be that crazy. I know I'm not being too far-fetched. I know I'm not being entirely unreasonable and deluded. You gave me hope. You made me think there was a chance, because in no way you would say all that to me. Am I being selfish? Am I being purposefully dense? I do get that you were going through shit, or you were busy, but god, even if I was busy, it would take me seconds to respond. What doesn't make sense to me was how you could reach out to someone so easily while leaving me on delivered for more than a day. It seems like I am not that important, and I get it. We've had two real conversations in total; how could I mean that much to you? I guess what I couldn't fully comprehend is my own desire. How can it be this much? It's forreal too much that it's overwhelming me very terribly. I feel so fucking doomed. I cannot stop thinking about you. I want to watch your favorite movies, your favorite shows. But I might be wasting time. But god, where do I place all this desire? It is burning me. I cannot take it. I want it to dissipate so badly. Because such thirst not being quenched is fucking suffering. Such suffering I can no longer take. I cannot live like this. Please, whoever's up there, take this fuckass desire away. I am done with it. I am so fucking done. It is consuming me and unless she lets me consume her and she consumes me it's not going to stop taking over my system. Take it away, take it away.
7th of November 2025.
2nd entry of the day.
