ken

everything bagel

[altoidkendi]

I can only do so much.

[altoidkendi]

I'll treat that as the closure I needed, I guess.

[altoidkendi]

I am yet to meet someone who lets my nervous system put to rest. I never want to rely my peace on someone's shoulder, but god, it would be really nice. I am just so fucking lonely. I want someone to call my person, and I want that someone to not feel like danger. Why must being vulnerable with someone feel like stepping into the fire? Can I feel safe for once? Is something immensely, inherently wrong with me, that makes it so impossible for me to be loved in softer ways? God, it would be really nice. I just want to be loved the right way. I just want to love without losing my mind. I just want to feel calm and safe.

23rd of December 2025.

[altoidkendi]

post new york yearning

My New York trip I thought would help me move on from you only worked for a while, unfortunately. In fact, I doubt it even worked at all. I thought of you while I was in New York. I saw your name in one of the souvenir shops I walked into and took a picture of it—almost sent it to you even (almost even bought the keychain), which wouldn't really be a huge deal but it feels kind of weird after not texting you for a while. Do you ever feel weird about it too? It's just, you would tell me to text you before. And we would text almost constantly. Are you glad we're not anymore? I'm sorry. I don't mean to have all these feelings for you. But I know for sure I wasn't delusional, and at some point you gave me hints that we could be something more. It feels weird to me that it was never addressed. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I don't want it addressed it either, the way you also clearly don't. God, it feels odd and heavy. Odd and heavy. Yet you won't hear a thing from me. I can handle this without saying anything. It shall pass. It always passes. I mean, I wish it would faster. But it's okay. It will pass, it will pass. I will be okay. I will see you soon and I shall be okay with it. You haven't followed up about the hangout. I hate it so much when I remember it, because it has probably left your mind, which is why you never followed up about it. I have stopped expecting for that to happen ever. I have stopped expecting anything from you. But I do wish for once you would mean your words. I wish you meant even just one of them.

Man, honestly, I think being near you again is making me think about all of these all over again. I lowkey need to be in New York again. Or anywhere. Far from you and everyone. I need a new job. I just can't be around you anymore.

18th of December 2025.

[altoidkendi]

bye

It is a bit odd coming back here after some while of not writing about you. I don't even know what I feel now about you. I don't think my feelings have completely vanished, but my heart has surely given up, and my mind fatigued of thinking of you. I still think of you, if not; I won't be writing again. Sometimes I feel like I am choosing to think of you. The thought of you has felt safe after several months that you've been lingering in my head. Safe to say though, that I have moved on. In a way that I'm starting to look forward to meeting someone else. Somewhere. And I don't hope anymore that it'd be you. I have stopped, finally. And I am so glad. We can slowly be truly friends now. Nothing more. It's still heavy when I see you. I don't know why. Everything about you has just always felt uncertain, I guess.

10th of December 2025.

[altoidkendi]

I am slowly settling in the fact that it won't be you, no matter how much my heart asks for it. I still like you a lot, want you a lot. I am brimming with desire to give you my love, but if you won't even let me, how will the bus be moving? I can write you more bad poetries, think of you nonstop (unwantedly), watch you quietly; but it won't change your mind. You won't let me in, and I accept that. The love I so crave isn't something you are capable of giving me. I just wish this yearning passes by much quicker. It's too much to handle sometimes.

27th of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

I've wasted my time obsessing over you, I fear. This is not to blame you at all. But I fucking hate my skin for it. I am wasting my fucking time for useless fucking things. I am not stable enough for anything ever and I fucking hate myself for it. I want God to take me. Yes, I am writing God in capital G because I know you do. I respect your religion. Fuck, you in a way became my religion and I absolutely put myself to this. Or did I? I did have a crush on you the first time I saw you, but I feel like there was a time when I could have prevented myself from falling deep into your rabbit hole. I am just so charmed by you. I promise, I am content being your friend. But even as a friend, it feels like you're pushing me away. It fucking sucks to be your friend, man. You're never good and healthy for me no matter what our relationship might be. Am I overthinking this whole thing? If so, then God; make it fucking stop. I want to be chill with how I feel towards you. I want you away. I want to not feel anything. I want to be okay. I need to die. How else do I get over it fast? See, I don't mind not getting over it fast, if only it's not making it hard for me to function. I am a confusing being. I wish I stayed being bored. I wish I never saw you, never met you. You are awesome. And charming. And flawed. I want to understand you. I want to love you. I have resentment slowly building up because you are not showing up for me the way I want you to but I refuse to communicate that to you. More like, I don't feel safe communicating that to you. Now that I learn how you handle your friends. Or how you handle me. I don't mind you mishandling me. I want to be someone who doesn't mind being mishandled. I want to be more empathetic towards you. I want to show you how to be loved. I want you to let me. I know you won't. I know you'd never. I want to, still. I don't know how to make it stop.

24th of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

I can't stop being obsessed with you.

I can't stop being obsessed with you and it fucking sucks, man. And for that reason, I refuse to call it limerence or some shit. I know I like you. Because the more I know you, the more I fall instead of snapping out of it. Fuck you, though. Fuck these feelings. How do I fucking deal with it. Oh, fuck you. I can't quit my job yet. Fuck you. How the fuck do I deal with these feelings? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Fuck me. I am so fucked.

21st of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

i miss you

I miss you. Every 12 noon I wish your ride had to send you to work more than an hour early just like that one time, and I get disappointed when they don't. I miss you even more when I'm extra tired, which I am today. I wish I was sipping my caramel cold foam with you in front of me right now at Wendy's. I miss you. The best conversations I've had this year was with you, and when I look back to them, I just miss you. I miss you, man. I've made peace with the fact that you don't feel such intense feelings towards me the same way I do towards you. And it's fine, really. But good fucking gracious, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It's heavy. I wish to see you and talk to you and be with you. I think of you nonstop. I miss you. I will not return your sweater. I fear this missing will become so much more overwhelming if I do. Please don't ask for it back. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, [deleted]. I don't understand why. I just miss you.

20th of November 2025.

no tags cus what if you find this.

[altoidkendi]

i am going mad fr please can you just get out of my head?

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid little fucking me, for still thinking there is a chance for us. Stupid brain, stupid heart, stupid legs for walking towards wherever you are. Stupid mouth for being uncontrollable around you. I just want to talk to you every single time I have the chance. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, fucking stupid. Why can't I mandate myself to just stop? Stop hoping, stop yearning, stop wanting, fucking stop. It is all pointless. You will never cater to me. I will never matter to you in that way. You have subtly made it clear. But was it ever clear if it was subtle? I keep grasping at fucking straws, tiny fucking clues that lead to you possibly wanting more out of me. I need you to want me so bad you cannot control yourself. I need you to want me like I need you. I need you so fucking bad it hurts. I need you, I need you, I need you. Oh, fuck you. What's with all that confession? What's with everything? Fuck. It's all in my fucking head. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I have no reason to be mad at you. Of course, it's in my fucking head. Fuck me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's worse to think you don't even want me sexually to ask me to fuck. 'Cause I would say yes in an instant. I just want more of you. I am so willing to give you more of me. If only you want. Please. Fuck.

14th of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

fuck that rabbit with the clock please take a chance with me

I would proceed to lie that I'm completely fine with being friends, like I'm not turning myself inside out getting over you while we also get closer—while you do things for me like lending me your sweater and telling me I wore it better. I would tell you I don't want to be in a relationship, which is true, but if it's you I wouldn't mind. Wrong; I'd love to be in one if it's with you. Say you still want me and I'd give in. Say you want me more now that we're closer and you automatically have all of me. I will love you in the way you wanted to be loved if you'd let me. You already consume my every waking thought but I would willingly be consumed all the more if you'd let me. And I wish you would. I don't care if it's inevitable that it could end. I already know that. I am someone who will always be moving places and I know you have dreams. One day, we might never meet again. I wish you'd give us a chance. I will do everything in my power to not make it feel like you're wasting your time. I can love you the way you want. If you'd let me.

12th of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

wanting you is a fucking curse

There's a reason why we only got to know each other when you had someone. We're never meant to connect with each other in that way. But if that's the case, what's up with all that you told me? I can't be that crazy. I know I'm not being too far-fetched. I know I'm not being entirely unreasonable and deluded. You gave me hope. You made me think there was a chance, because in no way you would say all that to me. Am I being selfish? Am I being purposefully dense? I do get that you were going through shit, or you were busy, but god, even if I was busy, it would take me seconds to respond. What doesn't make sense to me was how you could reach out to someone so easily while leaving me on delivered for more than a day. It seems like I am not that important, and I get it. We've had two real conversations in total; how could I mean that much to you? I guess what I couldn't fully comprehend is my own desire. How can it be this much? It's forreal too much that it's overwhelming me very terribly. I feel so fucking doomed. I cannot stop thinking about you. I want to watch your favorite movies, your favorite shows. But I might be wasting time. But god, where do I place all this desire? It is burning me. I cannot take it. I want it to dissipate so badly. Because such thirst not being quenched is fucking suffering. Such suffering I can no longer take. I cannot live like this. Please, whoever's up there, take this fuckass desire away. I am done with it. I am so fucking done. It is consuming me and unless she lets me consume her and she consumes me it's not going to stop taking over my system. Take it away, take it away.

7th of November 2025.

2nd entry of the day.

[altoidkendi]

now this is humiliationship

This isn't good anymore. I need to stop fooling myself. I've deluded myself too much thinking I stand a chance but the answer is very clear. If she likes me still, I wouldn't be this confused. And I think I'm also obsessing too much over her and it's unhealthy as fuck.

I am done being consumed by you. You want a boyfriend more than a girlfriend, I see that now. You have an insane case of avoidant issues and I cannot deal with that. We may be a lot similar but I also can't help but feel the gap in our frequencies when I talk to you. Now that you have known me, now that I have bared myself to you when I was wasted, now that you've learned about how much of a fucking insecure and loser I actually am; you don't want me that way anymore. And I have to make peace with that. Your crush that you claimed you had on me was not as massive as the one I do for you. I might just be an eye candy to you. I doubt you were ever sexually attracted to me. Thank you for being nice, at least. And oh, that hang out. I will not follow up like a fucking idiot. I've told you to update me when you're finally free, but I am already making peace with the possibility that you might never bring it up again, because why the fuck would you? Everything you've ever said to me was for niceties. Nothing else. Nothing more. And I am trying to make peace with that. Until then, I'll keep writing about you here. Fucking embarrassing.

7th of November 2025.

[altoidkendi]

i need you please it's so very serious like i actually feel like i'm gonna die

You make me excruciatingly confused. You tell me you miss me already just right after a conversation and remind me to text you but when I do, it takes you long to respond. Long enough to make me think I almost never cross your mind. Like I'm a thought that you'd only notice lingering in your head when there's barely anything else there. The way you hover in my head is like a constant ringing doorbell that I couldn't muffle away for the life of me. I look forward to your texts a housewife from the 1600's (or maybe much former times) would, waiting for the letter of her spouse in a war. I know you just came from a breakup. I shouldn't demand much of you as merely a friend. I feel selfish for all the feelings I feel for you and while it's nice to have all this admiration for you, it also fucking hurts. I wish I could be completely okay with the thought of all these being unreciprocated, but wow, it is disquieting. It's heavy and burning and I feel as though my body is on fire and on ice at the same time. I am withering of thirst from the lack of you paired with my desire and growing sick from the cold of being oh so lonely and no matter how I try to fight it with hanging out with other people (ones I don't particularly like) I cannot get rid of specifically wanting you. I can be beside you and not do anything and I feel like it will be one of the best hangouts I've had this year, if not the best. Why, why, why. Why must I yearn for you this way. Why does it have to be you? Why are you just so wonderful? Why are your flaws endearing?

29th of October 2025.

[altoidkendi]

Drinking eggnog with Soju so I have an excuse to call you later. I don't know if it's going to be a good idea, but fuck it. You'll be leaving your job in a week and a half. I haven't asked you to hang out outside of work because I have no guts to do so, especially that you're going through shit with your boyfriend right now. I know you have sent signals that you enjoy my presence, but I can't help but recall every single word I've said to you and feel like I've fucked up and fumbled you forever for how awkward I was. I want to talk to you to clarify things and obviously, because I want to get to know you. I want to get closer to you. My emotions are overwhelming me. A huge part of me is really, really scared and wants to back out. I want to avoid you forever. Fuck! What's wrong with this brain of mine. I want you and I'm scared. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I'm scared because this is leading to something great. Maybe this is going to be a great connection. If not, then a lesson. To be honest, romance-wise, I feel like I need more lessons. I've held back too much my whole life. I've yearned for long and did nothing. And for some reason, that feels more like a waste of time than say, if I made a move and failed or got hurt. It wouldn't be so bad to choose to love someone this time, and maybe, let them love me too. And so I will make myself ready.

23rd of October 2025.

[altoidkendi]

Is it normal to want to marry someone already after one good less than an hour conversation or am I insane.

Today, I didn't check your schedule in the work app for the first time in so long. Also today, I almost called out because I didn't want to work an 11-8 shift. And thank the fuck god I didn't (for both). I was surprised to see you on my second 15 because I never saw you even once prior to that and so I fully believed you were off today. And thank the fuck god you weren't. And thank you for saying hi to me. I had the courage to start a conversation because of that. Thank you for that entire talk, oh god. I can't believe I was so nervous to talk to you for nothing. But then, I also believe this was all set to happen. Like I am actually glad we only got to talk like that now (I wasn't so fluent before I fear I would've misspoken so much, though I don't think you would mind). When I thought there was no longer hope for me like AT ALL, tonight happened. Less than an hour of conversation yet I will be thinking about it for the whole week. I actually like you a lot. It was so nice to observe you up close. You were so beautiful. :)

20th of October 2025.

[altoidkendi]

the poets are not exaggerating: i look at you and think you are beautiful like the sun

My crush on you is still as fat and massive as before, I'm afraid—if not more. A response that took you almost a day to send, the story like spam, the cheery as ever "hey" when we passed each other as if you're saying it with multiple y's—consider me cooked and fucked and doomed the way these were enough to keep me beaming throughout the rest of my shift. It is an overused metaphor but you are as beautiful as the sun. I couldn't even fool myself into thinking that I am only finding you this attractive because we all get drunk in some love spell when we have crushes on people, because I've had a crush on you since the first time I've laid my eyes on you; and if I'm under a spell, I've never snapped out of it for even a millisecond. But I guess, whatever. This is all just limerence, whatever. Whatever happened to simply liking someone. Sure, this is just an obsession. I am obsessed with the idea of you that I have in my head, sure; name it. And yet the more I know you, the more I find you endearing. And the more I know about you, the thirstier I get to know more. It would be such a pleasure to partake in the euphoric experience of getting closer to you, although it would cost me to partake in the mortifying ideal of being known by you (I fear you will end up disliking my soul).

17th of October 2025.