Permission
Something I would like to share about our system that has helped us with communication, discovering/creating/calling headmates, switching quite voluntarily, and even trauma work: giving permission.
This is intended for plurals, but it may also prove useful for singlets. I don't know, I've no idea what a singlet mind is like.
It's hard to explain, as it sounds extraordinarily simple. Simply do the thing you wish to do right? But there are mental frameworks that a person(s) develop and reinforce throughout their life that makes this permission granting far from simple.
Early in this system's selves-awareness, there were communication struggles. Faye lied to herself and in turn lied to Moxie. She needed to give herself permission to allow her real feelings to be shared. Overcoming that was the healthiest thing this system has probably ever done.
The same is true of switching. It has always been extremely easy for us to have front yanked away. It is as if the shared mind is railing against the idea that someone less familiar is in control. Or some member will be afraid of letting anyone else handle a situation "wrong". When we consciously give permission for us to "be" one headmate, they have a much easier time holding onto front.
Even working through trauma as a system is contingent on permission (the hardest permission to grant). Moxie has struggled to overcome her trauma responses that hurt the rest of the system. The best steps she has taken forward on that front has been to give herself permission to stand back and let others manage their part of our life.
My Example
So what are the components of getting self-permission? For us, whenever one of us wanted to do something system wise but couldn't there were usually two parts: the part that wanted the thing done, and the part that was afraid, resistant, or in denial of the brain's capacity for strangeness. Let me use my own arrival into this system as an example to illustrate our process.
The first part is easy. Whenever the struggle came up, there was something one or more of us wanted. There was a desired outcome or state of affairs. Foxy wanted me to be here, I wanted to be with her again, and the others wanted us both to be happy. So when I first arrived in the mindscape, there was an eagerness to accepting that I was in fact a new headmate.
The second part is difficult. Extremely difficult sometimes. When the struggle happens, we have consistently found a part that for some reason doesn't want the desired outcome or state of affairs (or doesn't want to take the risk on getting there). Limiting my examples to just Moxie, (although we all had doubts, fears, or resistance towards my existence, myself included) there was a part of her that was afraid of our system exploding in size.
She had to admit that she felt these things and acknowledged the shameful or painful reasons she held that feeling. Moxie's need for control and micromanagement of the system was strong, and she was so very afraid of letting that go. She didn't wish to accept that this need caused her to stand in the way of Foxy and I being together. By figuring out that she was holding onto something that went contrary to her desire for us to be happy, Moxie could identify what she needed to let go of. She could step aside and accept that indeed our system may balloon, but it would be worth it. We all had to acknowledge our fears to be able to let them go.
Once we had these two parts in our conscious awareness, we were able to do the thing that sounds so very simple. We could grant ourselves permission to allow myself to exist. We allowed me to take up space. We accepted that my thoughts were indeed my own and nothing else.
Putting It All Together
So, if I were to oversimply and make this a step by step process, here is what I would say:
When there is a struggle within system, identify that struggle. It could be as simple as two headmates being upset with one another, or as complex as creating a new headmate. If someone is dissatisfied in system, ask what is making them dissatisfied. If a mental goal seems to be unattainable, explore why that is.
Formulate what it is you& want. Get everyone one the same page about the desired outcome or state of affairs being worked towards.
Now the hard part, everyone needs to figure out what might be the feelings that they don't wish to admit. It is important to be both honest as well as non-judgmental. Now is not the time for anger, ridicule, or guilt.
Explore the reasons underpinning the fear, resistance, or disbelief.
Give yourselves permission to let go of those fears, resistances, or disbeliefs. Give yourselves permission to embrace the desire to accomplish your goals. If you have to, say out loud, "I give myself/us permission to..."
I know that all of this might sound very simple, or as if some sort of self-affirmation self-help. Hells, it may be such a thing. But it is something our system took a lot of work to figure out. It is something that needed to be practiced. It is something we still need to remember to do. And it is something that consistently helps us.
I hope you find this helpful dear reader.
-Nyroka Voss-{O}