Not Alone
Trigger Warning: Discusses depression, suicidal thoughts
It had been long enough. Long enough that Hayden should’ve moved on from the news. Long enough that she shouldn’t feel so empty and aimless in her life. Long enough that she should be happy with Kai, enjoying her new self.
But even though it had been long enough, Hayden couldn’t shake it. She felt like there was a black hole inside her, a void where there were once memories and feelings and emotions that she thought were real. That were real. They had to have been real...at least some of them. Right?
“Hay?” Kai asked as she walked into the bedroom. “You okay?”
Hayden turned, affixing the perfect smile to her face. She wondered if that was programmed too. “Of course,” she said easily. It pained her, how effortless it was to hide herself from Kai.
Kai sat down beside her, taking her hand. “Good,” she replied, smiling her wide, careless grin. Hayden’s stomach did a flip...surely that wasn’t programmed? “I was thinking we could go to the park?”
“Of course,” Hayden replied, squeezing her hand. “That’s a lovely idea.”
Kai stood, bouncing to the closet. Hayden loved her easy-going nature, the way she could put everything that happened behind her and pretend that everything...including Hayden...was normal.
She wished she could be more like Kai. But there was a restlessness inside of her, a voice that kept whispering to her. You’re not real. You’re not good enough. You don’t deserve to live.
The thoughts were dark, unsettling. They made Hayden want to cry, they made her want to hide in Kai’s arms. And yet, there was something else, too. A desire to reach into her body and pull out every cog and wire, to tear herself limb from limb until she was nothing but a pile of parts.
Kai slammed the closet door shut, shaking Hayden from her revelry. She smiled at Kai, trying to shake away the thoughts that clung to her heart. “You look beautiful,” she said, wrapping her arms around Kai’s waist.
“Really?” asked Kai, her voice insecure. “I didn’t think anything looked good on me.”
“Nonsense,” Hayden cooed. “This looks perfect.” She kissed Kai’s neck, smiling. “You look perfect.”
“If you keep that up,” Kai groaned, “we won’t be going to the park.”
Hayden backed off with a chuckle, putting her hands up in response. They pulled on their shoes and headed out the door, the sun shining bright.
The park was only a few blocks away, but Kai was quick to pull Hayden’s hand into hers. She interlaced their fingers, her warmth giving Hayden chills. Was this just part of her programming?
“It’s so nice out!” Kai said happily, rubbing her thumb on Hayden’s. It was such a small gesture, one she’d done so many times before, but this time felt more...tender. Hayden couldn’t take it. She pulled away, feigning a cough into her hand.
“You aren’t getting sick, are you?” asked Kai.
“No,” Hayden said, smiling. “I’m fine.”
Kai frowned, but remained silent. She knew Hayden was unfamiliar with certain implications, but surely she’d picked up on the way Kai used fine to mean that she was most certainly not fine?
“Look,” Hayden said, pointing to the pond in the middle of the park. “They’re racing sailboats.”
Kai looked forward. Sure enough, children gathered around with controllers in hand, model sailboats racing through the pond. “Aw, that’s so cute!” she said with a grin.
She didn’t know why she felt like she needed to hide how she was feeling from Kai. Surely, she would understand. Or...at least she’d try to. But it felt wrong, to still be struggling like she was. She felt weak, and she felt like if she couldn’t handle this...maybe she didn’t even deserve someone as wonderful as Kai.
Kai walked quickly to a bench with a great view of the races, Hayden trailing behind.
Hayden could feel her mind spiraling as she smiled and sat next to Kai. What if this never got better? What if she never felt like herself again? Maybe the voice was right, maybe she wasn’t good enough. Not for Kai, not for the life she had...not for anything.
Her mind continued to spiral as she stared at the boats, her fists clenching tighter and tighter. She was startled when she felt Kai’s finger brush her cheek.
“Why are you crying?” Kai asked, concern in her voice. Hayden blinked, once. Twice. She hadn’t realized she was crying.
“I--” Hayden began, trying to come up with an excuse. “I--”
“Hayden,” Kai said, taking her face in her hands. Her eyes were bright, wide with worry. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
“I--” Hayden repeated, before uttering a deep sigh. “I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay. I don’t...I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.”
She began to sob, Kai throwing her arms around her and pulling her close. “Shh,” Kai soothed her, rubbing her back. She cried until there were no tears left, her body exhausted but also, deep down, relieved.
“Hay,” Kai said, once she’d stilled. “It’s okay, to not be okay. But you can’t keep it all bottled up. You need to talk to me. That’s why I’m here, because I love you. I love you Hay, and if you’re not okay then I want to help.”
Hayden swallowed, feeling a tingling of hope, something she hadn’t felt in months. “I don’t know if you can help,” she admitted, her greatest fear finally spoken out loud.
“Maybe not,” Kai admitted. “But I can share your pain. I can share your pain, and we can try to find someone who can. You’re not alone, Hayden. You’re not alone.”
Hayden breathed in her smell, her hair tickling her face as she kissed her neck. For once, the voice was quiet.
