#poem draft?

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

It's like I can do no right

In other people's eyes

Now that my whole life

Seems to be falling apart

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

I hate that I never meant shit to you

I hate that I gave so much of myself trying to matter to you

To mean something to you

And nothing I did was ever good enough for you

I tried so hard being there for you

I tried supporting you, being your friend showing up for you

Listening to you

Checking up on you

Learning about and inquiring about you

And at the end of the day I am still left wondering if I ever meant anything to you

Knowing my absence will never affect you

Knowing you moved on like I never had any impact on you

It makes me feel meaningless

Nothing I do matters

I make no impact

I want to belong and to matter

People just use me and discard me when they're done.

When you would describe sex with your boyfriend. I wanted to be happy but it stung.

It reminded me I'm not wanted cause I will never have a p*nis

It reminded me how incomplete I am.

It reminded me even if you had wanted me I could have never satisfied you because I don't have the correct body parts.

It reminds me how other guys would reject me pre transition because my tits weren't big enough and I wasn't pretty enough.

Now I don't have the proper equipment and I feel like a shell of a human

I could have been the most perfect person and it still would have never been enough.

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

For context... and a bit of a love letter cause journaling also helps:

Having had a crush on a guy for 3 years now. Went from finding him super cute to getting closer to him, becoming friends and falling super hard for him as a person. And developing serious feelings beyond a silly crush.

Yes we are friends... I think

And yes he knows how I feel.

I told him.

He doesn't feel the same way.

Don't blame him. He can't help it.

You like who you like and you don't like who you don't like.

The emotioms run strong I need somewhere to express it before they eat me alive.

I like him so very much and it hurts. It just hurts.

I feel my heart shattered. Broken in two.

I have tried to move on and pretend I'm fine.

But I need to stop running and lying to myself.

Whenever I try to see or think of other people. Deep down I want them to be him.

And thats why I can't move on.

Is he perfect? No, but I love all his imperfections

Am I just infatuated? Perhaps but I do think I love him as a person.

I am in love with ever aspect of him. Even his little flaws.

I think he is just beautiful.

Not to sound cheesy but like a piece of art.

Of course I would never say that out loud. I don' want to creep him out and make him uncomfy?

I truly do care about him and his emotional well being.

I just wish he would love me the same way. See me the same way.

I have enough pride to want those feelings reciprocated!!!!

I have never been one to state what I wanted, being raised as a woman I was taught not to say what I want...

So its hard for me to admit it loud?

But I have to say it... what do I want?

I want you to be my boyfriend $^^#&@ (not saying his name here)

I want to kiss you and take care of you, to be there for you. Be your rock and have you know you can always rely on me.

Make you never feel alone and abandoned because you will always have me. Know that I will always be by your side and you will never loose my loyalty.

You can trust that I will defend you as other people shit talk you.

I will stabd up for you and defend your honor when you are not around.

I would willingly kiss you in public to show I don't care what others think because I love you and I think you are SO worth it.

We both have social anxiety. I want to be there to comfort you and hold your hand when you are stressed and think others are judging you.

When you don't know where to go from here.

You are scatterbrained like me and yet I want to be a supporr for you, remind you of things not because I think you are incapable but because I want to make life easier for you...

Yes I want to pamper you, fuck what ohers think.

You know Im in love with someone when instead of taking I give so much of myself so willingly.

I want to tell you daily how amazing you are, how smart and funny and handsome and dorky you are.

To hold you close and be able to snuggle you and spend time with you

To make you smile and make you laugh.

To be there when you're sad.

I tried holding onto rumors about you trying to placate my crush on you, but the more I get to know you and the more you prove those rumors wrong the more my feelings for you grow.

Who knew I could have feelings this strong?

I want to grow old with you and get to know you more and more.

I know you have things in your past you are not proud of but so do I.

And I am proud of how far you've come.

I love getting to know the person you are.

And I wish you were mine

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

I hate that I can't have you because I'm gay

As if being trans wasn't enough

I have to admit that perhaps you'd like me if I was attractive enough for you?

Or if I was an attractive girl?

I just really hate this

Would anything be different if I was cis?

I hate feeling this way

Believe me, it is pretty rough

I don't like being this blue

They told me you only like people who are femme

But you have proved to me rumors about you aren't true

Well, don't matter it's all the same

Since still you won't look my way

And nothing I do will win your love

So all you can do is break the heart of this gay silly boy

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

I don't want anyone else

If that someone isn't you

I need to stop lying to myself

And finally be true

Everytime I try to have anyone else

I just wish it were you

I want YOU

I ONLY want you

Not somebody else

Even if somebody else came along

I wish you can comprehend

That someone isn't you.

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

Maybe you are not perfect for me

But you are perfect TO me.

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

I'm just a gay little boy

Craving your love

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

You held a mirror to my face

And showed me the ugliest parts of myself

I gave you my all

And it still was never enough