I am aware that I just wrote about a lot of things that can be seen negatively, and a lot of things that might even hurt the community and its members. I wrote things that might enrage some of you, make some of you even mad. That’s fair. I understand.
However, I fucked up a lot of things. I made a lot mistakes and hurt the people close to me. So, if I want to be completely honest here, I believe I have to lay open everything. My own wrongdoings, too. Without an excuse. I expressed my honest opinion about the community, however, I am in no way a victim. I did a lot wrong. I want to be open about it.
So… how to start?
Probably at the beginning.
It is no secret that Moira’s reveal shocked me and shook me. I was in a really bad state, reacted very emotional, and very strongly. The first thing I did was to make a very emotional comparison between Joe and Moira. My tone was not nice. Rather, I pretty much… lashed out and insulted the canon character. In the same post, I let out my frustration about the community’s immediate reaction to Moira and how everyone immediately threw themselves at her.
My heavy venting didn’t stop there, it had just started. Basically… everyone talking to me heard me venting heavily. No one was really spared. And during the last month, I don’t think there was ever a single day when I didn’t vent to someone. At this point, everyone is surely tired of hearing me lamenting over the same thing, over and over again.
Through my venting, I lost friends.
I pretty much overwhelmed one of my longest writing partners. I feel like I didn’t even leave them an option or room to explain themselves, or anything. A few days later, I tried to talk to them again, I tried to apologize. Well, during that conversation, I didn’t have the feel as if they were truly interested in solving this. Not only that, but I kind of pushed them to answer me whether they are still interested in writing and chatting with me. I never received an answer. I lost them, because of my mistakes.
Another person was excited. They wanted to write me, being all excited after a game of Overwatch. However, I used that again to vent and to express my hurt and anger. I reacted pretty passive aggressive. They reacted, … kind of upset at first, and told me that it doesn’t have to be a competition. However, I blocked. Stayed upset. So… I was met with apathy. I found out that they didn’t care in the slightest and that they pretty much… well. I don’t know. But their words were clear. And I stopped bothering them. So, I lost another writing partner because of my venting.
I continued to whine around. I continue to make posts and whine around in the tags. Even after I archived my blog, I pretty much continued to do so. The reason I did that was because I wanted attention. In a sense, yeah, I acted like an attention whore, wanting some kind of reaction, anything. Preferably people telling me they wanted me to stay.
Not only did I whine around like a crybaby whenever I had the opportunity to do so, I also refused to accept any kind words at the same time and dismissed people reaching out for me, trying to persuade me to stay. It was as if I started to build a wall around me, demanding people to tear it down and get me out while pushing them away at the same time. Not only that, but to make it worse, I straight up ignored some persons. They never received a single message from me. I acted like an asshole towards them.
That’s not it. The list goes on.
I reacted to some of those who reached out. More specifically, I wanted to dismiss staying in touch with a mutual and friend, simply because I saw and I knew they started to interact with a bunch of Moira roleplayers. I even named that as the reason why I do not want to stay in touch with them. In short, I attempted to guilt trip them. I hurt them deeply with my behavior, with my acting out and my distrust, accusing them of having replaced Joe with Moira already since they started shipping already. I know this so well because I read their post regarding this situation and my actions and reactions towards them.
I archived my blog out of spite. I was so sure that no one even cared about me or about Joe, that no one really cared about an oc, that she was replaced and forgotten already, that I didn’t see a difference whether I stayed or not. This was quite the passive aggressive reaction. And I think people knew that, people got exactly that vibe out of my action. At one point, I even threaten to delete my whole blog, whined even more, because I gave up, because I wanted attention again, just to see if… if people care. Even though, deep inside, I was so sure no one cared.
Even after archiving, I acted out. I was in a really bad emotional state again that I wiped my whole discord friend list. I removed everyone as a friend, because I was sure I didn’t deserve anyone. But the truth is, at the same time I just hoped they would have noticed what I have done. And would have reached out for me again. And when I noticed that not everyone did, I felt like I was right all the time. That no one really cared for me, that they didn’t even notice I was gone.
I continued to act really hurt and really upset. My venting got stronger, even more aggressive. I started to vent heavily about the community and about every good deed. I continued to treat people unfair. At one point, I got really angry and mad. So, I let it all out at one of my mutuals I would even call a friend. Everything that upset me about the community and their behavior I let it out on them. Everything. I accused them of acting like a hypocrite, and pretty much degraded them. I lashed out on them, even though nothing of that was their fault.
I refused to listen to people claiming they really missed me. I started to distrust everyone, and pretty much build a higher wall around me. I refused to be reasonable. Still, I demanded real proof that people missed me and prove that they really wanted me back. I demanded proof all the time. Like…they had to prove something you just couldn’t prove. I demanded the impossible. The more appreciation and validation I got, the better, and yet I didn’t believe any of this, making it a hard time for everyone.
I felt strong hate towards Moira. Not all the time, but sometimes. I let it out through venting. People got worried that I might even go out of my way and send roleplayers hate because of their muse. One person even called me out on being discriminating towards them. To be honest, they were probably right. I might have felt and thought like that temporarily.
In short, I behaved like a complete moron and an asshole. This all results from a really bad mindset I have. It’s the mindset of “either you are with me, or you are against me”. The whole Moira stuff felt like a competition, so I treated it as a competition, even if not consciously. Seeing people moving on made me feel like they were against me. Therefore… I stopped believing.
Secretly, I really wished some people would have chosen Joe, and would have chosen to stick with Joe. To say it differently, I secretly wished people would have chosen Joe over Moira, in every aspect. It is stupid to hope for something like that. It is stupid to make people choose from an ultimatum. And yet,… this is how I felt. I really wished. And I never got my wish. So I acted out like a crying child.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I hurt those close to me. I am sorry for every friend I lost because of my behavior. I am truly sorry for… for everything I have done.
Words cannot undo the wrong things I have done. And words… probably won’t mean anything after all. And yet, I hope people can forgive me. I hope to make it up. I hope that you all believe me that I am really sorry, and that I wish I was a better person.
