#polengwrites

[maplesyrupsandcoffees]

As She Blooms

The night start to come

The sun goes down

Sitting at the backseat on a traffic jam

Gazing at the light on every town

Arrived on a magnificent palace

Eyes roaming on every corner

There, seeing a sad lass

Behind of nowhere, a loner

As the lights grew bright

The chills went all over her

Now feeling the stage fright

Doubting to hear a murmur.

But as the night ends

Her beauty stands out

Reaching high and slowly sends

Her smile, north to south..

[polengwrites]

The Ten Times (SIDE A)

Summary: Allen recalls the first time he said his beloved’s name up to his last breathe.

“When do you know that it is too much?”

It echoes through my apartment, a small television on the corner of the room. It was already dark but I did not bother turning on the lights. It seems pretty silent outside my apartment. Normally there would be glass smashing or shouts outside. My neighbors must be partying somewhere I suppose. Sitting across my bed bored, I checked my phone once again and shifted back to the television after realizing there was no new text.

The show was a local one, run by a certain group in the university. It appears the talk is about stalking and physical abuse in a relationship this episode. Apparently there have been a lot of reports about these kinds of incidents lately. The host was talking to a girl. She was crying and covered with bruises all over her body. It was from a stalker that turns out to be the boyfriend she dumped a year ago.

As for me, Bridget and I still have a long way to go. I said to myself while the question “When do you know that it is too much?” rings into my ears. We only started talking to each other just recently. We are not even going out. So the term “too much” is really not applicable to us because there is no "us". I’m not even doing my full game. If Bridget will ever be my girlfriend, I will make her the happiest person on earth.

Now that I mention it, where is Bridget?

                                                           [1]

I caught my eyes on her a few years back. It was probably during the freshman orientation. She did something trivial. She said hi and said her department and the course she was majoring in. I was shocked that she approached me so I chickened out and ran away. Because of that I never got to know her name.  But I never ever forgot about her. You could say I was smitten, in love. I was so in love that I can even sense if she is in the hallway or nearby. But alas, I can only admire her from afar.

The first time I knew her name was when I saw her glancing at the bulletin board looking at some announcements. I heard that she was accepted on some kind of scholarship. She and her friend were jumping in joy and were talking about celebrating that night.

I waited a couple of minutes after they left and checked the bulletin board. At first, I thought it will be impossible to know what paper they were looking a few minutes ago since there were dozens of posters posted in the bulletin board. But luck was on my side that day. There was only one poster pertaining to scholarships and there were only two names on it.  The other one was even a guy’s!

That was the very first time I spoke her name, Bridget.

                                                          [2]

It was eating me.

I wanted to search her on Facebook now that I know her name. Moreover, I want to add her. Talk to her and look at her pictures. Know her even more. But I know I cannot do that. We have been passing through the corridors for two years now, I’m sure she at least knew my face. Adding her would come out weird.

But that night, THAT WRETCHED NIGHT. I was drunk and high. I was completing a paper I forgot that was due that 7 am the next day. I was writing it. Actually I was trying to write it. Up to this day, I do not know what I have submitted to my professor that day. I do not even know if I went to class that day.

The next thing I knew, there was a notification on my Facebook. Someone accepted my friend request.   That was probably the second time I uttered her name.

“Bridget accepted my friend request,” I said to myself over and over. I did not know that I even added her but I was so happy she accepted it anyways.

                                                          [3]

“Allen!”

Someone called me from behind.

“You’re Allen right?”

It was Bridget! She talked to me for the first time. “Ah yes, that is me Allen,” I answered awkwardly. I was looking all over the place as long as I am not looking at her. I was so nervous.      

Bridget noticed immediately and asked, "Sorry am I bothering you?"

"No! NO! OF COURSE NOT!", I waved my hand dismissively and replied so loud that people across the hallway looked at us. "Actually, I did not know you know me."

Bridget giggled. "I've been seeing you in these hallways for quite some time already. Of course, I know who you are! I was just shy to add you first on Facebook because you might get the wrong idea."

"So am I!", I replied.

"Besides I introduced myself during the freshman orientation so I thought we were friends." Bridget looked down shyly. "But you walked away that day so I thought I was bothering you."

"No," I shouted again. "I was just shy back then. I never knew someone so cute would talk to me. Wait. Did I just say cute? PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THAT. Not that it is not true though! Am I still making sense?" I clutched my mouth and tried to stop speaking. Honestly, I was so dumb back then.

Bridget laughed. I noticed that time that whenever she laughed her eyes disappears. She even became cuter than before. She was laughing so hard that she was even holding her stomach. That was the very first time that I had a conversation with her.

"Thanks." She smiled and waved goodbye. "I was just planning on saying hello to you. My friends and I are planning on going somewhere. Talk to you later!"

                                                          [4]

"Ah!" Bridget and I said simultaneously while seeing each other in the cafeteria. This was probably the fourth time I said her name. She was eating alone while I was looking for vacant seats.

"Here." Bridget removed her bag from the other seat and patted it. "My friends’ meeting dragged so long that they said that I should eat without them."

"Thanks." I placed my tray at the table and sat right across her. "You like mac and cheese?" I said noticing the food on her plate.

"Yep." She nodded and took another bite. "But my favorite would be my mother's mac and cheese"

"Mother's girl huh?" I said as took a bite of my lunch.

"Nope. I'm more of a father's girl actually. My mother just cooked better than my dad." She opened her hands wide and gestured in a circular motion. "My mother entered a meat loaf cooking contest and she prepared a very BIG meat loaf. THIS BIG. She won first prize that day."

"Wow." I replied while trying not to snicker at her cute gesture. I never once believe that Bridget could be someone like this. She acts like a child sometimes. "You must have missed your mother's cooking if that's the case."

"No. My house is only an hour and half drive away so whenever I am homesick I just drive back home."

"You still get homesick up to till this day?"

Bridget blushed and looked away. "Of course not!” She quickly denied. “I only visit once in a while nowadays since I am a junior now."

"How often?"

"Every weekend," she replied as if she was embarrassed to say it.

I cannot hold it any longer and laughed at the sight. I turned away at her and tried to stop my laughter to no avail. I saw her puffed her cheeks and stared at me angrily.

"Meanie!"

                                                          [5]

"Hey Bridget!"

The fifth time I called her name was probably when I first called her. I was so nervous back then. My voice was even cracking every now and then.

"I was just wondering if you have some notes from the class. I was so out of it that I forgot to take notes."

"Out of it?" She replied in a sarcastic manner. "Are you sure you are not just sleeping in class?"

"Isn't that the same?" I replied, making her laugh. "Please?"

She sighed. "Fine. I will text you when and where we will meet up to get the notes. This is your phone number right?"

"Yes, this is my number. Thank you very much!"

"You owe me some mac and cheese." She said before she hung up.

                                                          [6]

"Bridget you left your jacket yesterday." I walked towards her and her friends and gave her jacket to her.

"Later Bridget!" Her friends waved goodbye and quickly disappeared through the sea of people.

"I'm sorry. Are you discussing something with them?" I asked when I noticed she was avoiding my gaze. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" She replied with her normal self and smiled back at me. "People were just talking."

"Talking?"

"About you. About me. About us."

"Oh no. I am not bothering you right?" I was shocked and unconsciously touched her shoulders. I stepped back and removed my hands from her. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay." Bridget shook her head and smiled. "Where did you find my jacket anyways?"

"I found it unattended in the lecture yesterday."

"I see...." There was a long paused but Bridget looked straight in my eyes and smiled. "Thanks.... I need to go now. Thanks again."

                                                          [7]

"Allen?"

Bridget dropped her bag from shocked. "What are you doing here?" She was so shocked that she looked all over the place and double checked if it was really her house. "How did you find my house?"

"I was working part time near here and was delivering newspaper when I saw your house." I stood up from the sofa and took her bag from the ground and offered to get the one she had on her other hand.

"No thanks." She turned her body away from me and smiled. "I can handle this one on my own."

"Ah, Bridget you are home." Her mother from the upstairs and checked us up. "I did not know you are friends with someone as handsome as Allen. You should have introduced me sooner to him."

"Thanks." I humbly replied and tried to hide my embarrassment from Bridget. I glanced upon her and noticed she was mumbling something under her breath. "Are you saying something Bridget?"

She was perplexed and tried to change the topic. She took of her shoes and went to the living room. "It was nothing Allen. Could you please bring me my bag here? Thanks!"

"Bridget do not order Allen around like that." Bridget's mother quickly went down the stairs and scolded her. "I am sorry about this child. She can be a brat at times."

"Ah no, I do not mind."

                                                          [8]

"Did you change your number?" I asked the moment Bridget answered her phone. I noticed that she was shocked and was out of words. "I was calling you the whole time. I thought something has happened to you."

She was still silent but I can hear the background noise from her side. Her friends were there with her and were saying something to her that I could not hear clearly. Before I could open my mouth once again, she replied.

"I'm sorry. I lost my phone the other day." She said. I can feel that she was scared. I do not know why but she was scared about something. "I did not mean to hide it away from you. Sorry."

"You do not need to apologize. I was just worried."

"Thanks for worrying about me." After that there was a long pause. I checked if the call was disconnected but it was still on. I can still hear her friends talking from the background. After a while, she began to talk once again.

"How did you get my number Allen?"

                                                          [9]

"Are you okay Bridget?" I rushed toward her side and checked if there were any wounds. "I heard that you have a stalker quite recently. Did he attack you?"

She did not reply and looked away. I repeated my question but she only shook her head. Her friends were very eager to remove me by her side. They kept telling that she needs some time alone.

"But what if something happens to her?!" I said trying to keep my composure. I was so close of bursting my anger at her friends. I do not know if they know the severity of Bridget's situation was. She needs protection now more than ever.

"Allen, she will be fine. We can handle the rest as long as you do not come near her for the mean time. Let her rest."

                                                          [10]

After that, I never got the chance to talk or see Bridget. Whenever I call her phone, her friends answer it. There are times that she will not come to class so I do not have time seeing her.

But today, it was finally over. Bridget called me a little while ago. That was probably the tenth time I said her name. She said she was coming over. She said that she has some things to talk about. But that was five hours ago. I had already fallen asleep from waiting.  

When I opened my eyes, I saw Bridget right on top of me. She was holding a knife on her hand and she was shaking all over her body. Her face was a mess. I can tell that she physically and mentally not alright. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she was not responding. I called her name for the eleventh, twelfth and thirteenth time but she was not responding.

"Die! Die! Die!" Bridget said over and over every time her knife strikes in me. And by twentieth time I called her name, she stabbed right through my heart making it my last time calling her name.

[END]

[polengwrites]

Goodbye :)

Summary: If you could say your goodbyes to your loved ones for one last time, what would you say? Denise tried to say hers but did it really reached them?

The rain keeps pouring. It was so dark outside that Denise cannot even outline the things that they were passing by. When she heard from the television that it was only a passing storm, she did not think it will be this bad.

"It is only a few heavy rains. Do not be alarmed. Just bringing an umbrella would be fine!"

Those lines from the weather forecaster replay on her head over and over again. It is so hard to travel with a bad weather, especially a storm. Not to mention she is travelling on the mountain side. The roads are hard to maneuver and wet. Landslides can also happen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: [Boyfriend]

From: Denise

Subject: Stop being so pessimistic

Message: I'm okay. Nothing bad will happen. I'm almost there.

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She closed her phone and sighed. Ever since she boarded the bus, her boyfriend cannot stop asking if she was okay. He ruled out so many possibilities on how she can die while she was on the bus. Honestly, if she did not know who her boyfriend was she might have think that he likes picturing her death so much.

She opened her phone again and replied to the text messages on her phone. Some were from her friends discussing absolutely about anything to make her not bored, some were from her club discussing about the upcoming events, some were from her classmates talking about assignments for the next meeting. And of course, some of them were from her boyfriend.

"I-A-M-F-I-N-E." She spelled out while typing another text to her boyfriend.

She sighed and looked at the inside of the bus. Almost half of the passengers were gone. A lot of the remaining passengers were already sound asleep. The tapping sound of the rain on the roof of the bus and the coldness of the air conditioner really set up to mood. If it weren't from the texts, she might also be asleep like the rest of the passengers.

===

After a few minutes, she realized that she dozed off. The thing that awoken her was a large crashing sound from the bus. Before she could react, she flung on the top of the bus like how the zero gravity work on those spaceships she watched. The passengers started to scream. The conductor tried to stand up from his seat and calmed the remaining passengers.

The road was so slippery that bus flew out of the cliff. Denise closed her eyes and remembered her boyfriend's words. "Ah, this is number 8 on his list of scenarios of how I could die today."

The next thing she knew, the bus had already crashed below. The cries from the baby from before were now gone but was replaced by people moaning from anguish. She tried to open her eyes but the blood coming from her head kept blocking the view.

She coughed out some blood and breathed heavily. "This is it," she thought. "This is how I am going to die." She tried to close her eyes and accepted her death but when she did, faces started showing up to her head.

She took her phone out and decided to not give up. A dinner was waiting on her home. Her mother cooked her favorites. An exam was scheduled on Thursday. She needed to pass that to pass the subject. Her friends wanted to go the amusement park next holiday. Not to mention her pessimistic boyfriend will become more pessimistic if his worst fears come true.

Thankfully there was no rubble tying her down on the ground. There was a fire near her but unlike the pain from the crash and the blood coming out of her head, the fire felt like nothing at all.

Her phone does not have signal inside the bus so decided to try outside. Every step she took, the wound on her abdomen worsen. More blood was coming out of her sides and felt like it was being ripped open every step she took.

When she looked left and right, bodies were on the ground. Some still alive while some were.... dead beyond being recognized. When she managed to get out, there were already people like her outside.

It was a sight she cannot describe. There were people vomiting blood on the ground. There were a mother and child crying. They were so happy to be alive even though the child was missing a leg and the mother's face was half broken. There were also two lovers on the roots of the tree and were sleeping like they were so fulfilled in life as they held each other's hand.

When Denise turned back on the bus, she saw the driver did not make it. The driver was still on his seat, his face was broken and his hands were on the wheel. Tears started to flow on her bloodied eyes when she saw the driver. Reality finally struck to Denise.

"I need to call someone. The police. Anyone."

Denise opened her phone again. The screen was cracked and was covered with blood. A sigh of relief came to her when she saw the signal bar on her phone. She immediately dialed emergency and told the operator what happened to the bus she was in.

When she hung up, she went to the mother and child and sat next to them. They were already sleeping so peacefully that she did not bother asking if she can sit with them. She smiled and opened her phone once again.

"It might not be long before I start sleeping as well."

Denise started typing on her phone. At first, she was typing a very long text for her parents saying sorry for not coming home even for one last time. But the amount of blood she was coughing up was a sign that she cannot hold on very much longer. She even wanted to have a very lengthy text message to her best friends, to her boyfriend, to her landlady, to her professor. But because her body can no longer take it, she opted a very generic goodbye text for every contact on her mobile phone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: [Everyone]

From: Denise

Subject: [No Subject]

Message: Goodbye :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She hit send and put down her phone. She did not even have time to ponder how the people will react on the text message she sent. She slowly closed her eyes and started to shed a tear. Without knowing if her message was properly sent, she went to sleep.

===

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" A boy around the age of 14 went down the stairs and went to the kitchen. "Denise sent me a message again. Can't believe she send a message to me again by mistake. Her group messages are a pain in the ass."

"Oh I got one too." Denise's mother closed the faucet and looked outside.  It was still raining and it seemed that it will not stop very soon. "I wonder if something terrible happened to your sister. Dad can you call Denise and see if anything is alright."

===

"Goodbye?" Danica tilted her head and recalled the last conversation she had with Denise. "What's the goodbye for? Did we even exchange messages today?"

Danica scrolled up the message thread and tried to remember if there something to warrant a text from Denise. "We haven't even talked since high school graduation. Did she send it by mistake?"

===

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Denise

From: [Someone she was texting with before the crash]

Subject: [No Subject]

Message: Okay. Text you later then.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Rena shouted on her phone and pouted. "We were even getting on the good part of the story. Aw come on Denise don't bail on me now."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Denise

From:  Rena

Subject: NO!

Message: Hurry and tell me what really happened. I will not accept no from an answer. If you do not reply to me within 15 minutes I am calling you. I don't care if you are busy or something.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Denise

From:  [Random Highschool Classmate]

Subject:  WHO ARE YOU?!

Message: Excuse me but who are you? This [Random Highschool Classmate]'s girlfriend. Are you the girl he is fucking while I am not around?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Denise

From:  [Professor of some subject]

Subject: You sent it to the wrong person!

Message:  Miss Denise you got your message mixed up. I hope you will not do something like this again in the future.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Denise

From:  [Bestfriend]

Subject: Did something happen?

Message:  Did something happen? Are you okay? I will call you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===

"No," Denise's boyfriend dropped his phone. "Don't tell me,"

===

A memorial service was then held after a couple of days. The bus accident had no survivors. Even with the effort of Denise calling for help, the ambulance did not made it on time. A total of 18 people lost their lives on that bus accident, including the bus driver and conductor.

It was unfortunate.

The text message of Denise on the other hand got a national coverage. Reporters reported the accident as "A girl from the bus accident sent her last goodbye to everyone she knew. A simple goodbye made it across to everyone she loved. Even though her accident was unexpected, she didn't fail to say farewell to everyone she knew."

"I can't believe it." Charmine, Denise's childhood friend, patted Paul, Denise's boyfriend. "After I got the message I thought something was wrong. But I never knew that it would be something like this."

"I looked at her phone." Paul sniffed and tried to wipe his tears away. "A lot of people kept saying on the interviews how sad they are and how touched they are from receiving Denise's final goodbye to the world. But not even five people bother to call her back."

"The news reporters kept saying that Denise's final goodbye got across to everyone but the truth is no one knew. No one knew what she meant. Why did she waste that time sending it to people like them? She should have called her parents instead."

===

"Did you receive that farewell message from Denise?"

"Ah, yes! I thought it was weird but after knowing it was her final words, it kinda creep me out."

"Yeah I deleted mine after I got it. Well at least we got covered by the media right?"

[Fin]

[polengwrites]

Nung pauwi na si Ericka

Buod: Nagising na lamang si Ericka sa gitna ng kalsada. Bukod sa pangalan niya wala na siyang alam tungkol sa kaniyang sarili. Alam niya sa sarili niya na isa na siyang yumao. Ngunit dahil wala nga siyang alam tungkol sa kaniyang nakaraan naging hilig niya na lang na sumakay sa jeep at pagmasdan ang mga sakay nito. Isa sa mga byaheng iyon nakilala niya si Neil.

[-----]

Pagmulat ng aking mata nakita ko nalang ang aking sarili na nakahiga sa gitna ng kalsada. Walang pumapansin sa akin kahit ang dami-daming tao na naglalakad sa tabi ng kalsada. Naintindihan ko lang kung anong nangyayari nung biglang may humarurot na bumubisinang jeep sa harap ko.

Doon ko lang napagtanto na, “Ah, patay na pala ako.”

 Tumayo ako sa aking kinauupoan at lumapit sa isang tindahan na may salamin. Nakita ko ang aking mukha walang bahid ng sugat o kaya kahit anong problema. Napaka kalmado ng aking mukha eto yata yung masasabi natin na lumisan ng nakangiti sa mundo.  

Nakasuot ako ng isang simpleng puting damit. Nakalugay ang aking buhok. At bukod sa lahat ako ay naka-paa. Ganito pala ang isang multo. Napaka amo at napakaga-gandang nilalang.

Ang pangalan ko yata ay Ericka.  Pag pumipikit kasi ako naririnig ko sa aking mga tenga na may sumasambit ng pangalang iyon. Umiiyak sila at patuloy ang banggit ng pangalang iyon. Hindi lang isa ang gumagawa noon kundi marami sila. Mabuti kayang isipin ko na dahil doon maraming nagmamahal sa akin at maraming nalungkot sa aking pagpanaw?

[-----]

 “Sampuan yan, sampuan! Meron pang dalawa dito sa kaliwa,” ang sigaw ng driver habang nagtatawag ng pasahero. Kumunot ang mga noo ng mga pasahero niya at nagsibulongan. Sikip na sikip na sila. Yung iba nga kalhati nalang ng puwet nila ang nakaupo.

 Simula noong naging multo ako wala na akong ginawa kundi sumakay sa jeep. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero para kasing iba’t ibang bagay ang nakikita ko sa jeep bawat sakay ko. Kumbaga hindi ako nagsasawa kasi hindi pare-pareho ang nakikita ko bawat sakay ko. Eto yata yung sinasabi nila na nagmumulto ako.

Pero hindi naman ako nanakot. Hindi rin naman ako nagpapakita sa mga taong nakasakay sa jeep. Masaya lang talagang sumakay sa jeep. Iba’t ibang tao kasi ang nakikita ko. Para bang meron sariling lipunan o komunidad sa loob ng jeep.

Mayroong mga taong mababait.

“Kuya hindi na po kasiya. May mga taong nakasabit na nga e. Maawa naman kayo sa pasahero niyo.”

Mayroon namang hindi.

“Ano ba naman yan! Oo pasensiya na kung MAHUHULI AKO SA MITING. Ayaw pa kasing umalis noong drayber. Ay oo mare nakakaasar. Nagbabayad naman ako bakit ganito ang trato nila sa akin,” ang sambit ng isang pasahero ni Manong sa kaniyang katawagan sa telepono. Pero ang totoo talaga wala siyang katawagan at hindi niya lang masabi sa drayber ng diretso ang kaniyang hinaing.

“1…..2…..3…..4…. 5…” binilang ko ang mga sakay ni Manong. Aba sampu na pareho sa kanan at kaliwa! May mga kandong pa ngang iba yung mga ina.

“Ako na nga lang ang bababa,” ang sambit ko habang tinitingnan ang mga iritang-irita ng pasahero ni Manong. Medyo naawa na ako sa kanila. Nagbayad naman sila ng ayos.

Tumalon ako pababa sa jeep at kumaway sa mga pasahero. “Sana maging ligtas ang inyong biyahe,” ang sabi ko kahit alam ko namang walang nakakarinig.

[-----]

Meron lang akong isang rota ng jeep na sinasakyan. Katulad ng dati hindi ko rin alam ang dahilan. Nakakaasar rin pala na wala kang naalala. Kaya sinabi ko nalang sa sarili ko, “Ay baka eto yung sinasakyan ko dati noong buhay pa ako.”

“Lola baka gusto niyong tulungan ko na kayo?,”

Sumakay ako sa sumunod na jeep. Nakita ko ang isang mabait na lalake na inabot ang kaniyang kamay sa isang lola na pasakay pa lamang sa jeep.

“Aba salamat iho,” inabot ni lola ang kaniyang kamay at unti-unting lumakad papunta sa isang bakanteng upuan. “Bayad ko oh, isang senior.”

Kinuha ng lalake ang bayad at nagtanong, “Lola saan po ito?”

“Ah diyan lang sa malapit. Napakabait mo naman iho. Kasing bait mo yung aking bunsong lalake.”

Tumawa ang lalake at inabot sa drayber ang pamasahe. “Naku, salamat po lola.”

Makalipas ang ilang minuto may sumakay na tatlong babae na nakaunipormeng pang hayskul. Nagkukuwentohan sila at panay ang tawa. Napakunot ang ulo ni lola pero hindi niya na lamang eto pinansin. Para bang sanay na si Lola sa ganitong senaryo.

“Bayad po tatlo, studyante.”

Hindi ko alam kung ilang taon na akong patay pero pansin ko na ang laki na ng agwat namin sa isa’t-isa.  Kung pagtatabihin naman kami mukha namang hindi nagkakalayo ang aming edad noong nabubuhay pa ako. Pero iba talaga ang mga kabataan sa panahong eto. Iba sila manamit. Iba sila kumilos.     

“Excuse po.”

Hindi namalayan ng tatlong babae na meron palang gustong umupo sa kanilang tabi. Isang nanay na may hawak na sanggol sa isang kamay at isang batang babae sa kabila. 

“Excuse me po,”

Inulit uli ng ina. Umiyak na ang sanggol na kaniyang hawak sa kakaintay. Pero ang mga babae hindi pa rin napansin ang ina dahil patuloy pa rin sila sa pagkukuwentohan at pagtatawanan.

“Hoy,” sumigaw ang isang babae at hinampas ang kaniyang katabi. “Aba may gustong umupo. Umipod ka naman.”

“Aray,” ang ungol ng babaeng hinampas. “Kelangan manampas?! ano ako punching bag?! punching bag?!”

Umipod na ang tatlo habang tumatawa. Hindi naman nakakatawa yung sinabi noong isa pero hindi sila matigil sa tawa.

[-----]

Minsan, isang araw, habang nakasakay ako sa karaniwang rota ng jeep, may napansin ako. May isang lalakeng sumakay sa jeep na nakapukaw sa aking atensyon. Simpleng lang siyang manamit. May dalang isang notebook at ballpen, mukhang isang estudyante. Ganiyan rin kasi manamit ang mga kaklase kong lalake noon. Nakakatuwa meron rin palang hindi nagbabago sa mga panahong ito, ang katamaran ng mga estudyante.

May kasunod siyang dalawang bata. Yung isa may hawak na instrumento at sumabit sa dulo. Habang yung isa naman ang nagabot ng mga sobre sa mga pasahero ng jeep. Hindi pinansin nung iba ang sobre. May iba pa ngang nalaglag. Ang iba namang pasahero binalik agad yung sobre sa mga bata.

 “Kuya kahit limang piso lang po,” inabot ng bata ang sobre sa lalake na nakita ko kanina.

Nagdalawang isip yung lalake. Hindi umalis ang bata habang ang kasama niya sa dulo ay nagpapatugtog gamit ang maliit na drum na hawak niya.

“Hoy,” sumigaw ang drayber. “Wag kayong mangabala ng mga tao. Bumaba kayo. Baba! Baba! Baka malaglag pa kayo. Problema pa abutin ko sa inyo.”

Sumimangot ang bata at isa-isang kinuha ang mga sobre na pinamigay niya kanina. Wala siyang nakuha ni isa. Mga batang kalye kaya etong mga batang eto? Kawawa naman sila. Bakit sila nagtratrabaho ng ganito.

“Bata!”

Bago bumaba ang dalawa tinawag sila noong lalake kanina. May kinuha siya sa kaniyang bulsa at ibinigay sa dalawa. “Siguradohin niyong pagkain ang bibilhin niyo ha at hindi kung ano-ano.”

Tumango ang dalawa at masayang bumaba sa jeep.

“Naku iho dapat hindi mo na binigyan iyong mga iyon lalong namimihasa e.”

“Binibili lang nila yan ng rugby.”

“May iba nga na pag hindi binibigyan minumura ka. Mga bata talaga ngayon.”

Tumango ang mga matatanda sa jeep habang ngumiti nalang ang lalake sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Halatang may gusto siyang sabihin sa kanila ngunit hindi nalang siya nagsalita. Malipas ang ilang minuto tumigil na ang mga pasahero sa kwentohan at na nahimik na ang loob ng jeep. Pero ako patuloy pa rin ang pag tingin sa lalake kanina.

Kung ako ang tatanongin, may hitsura yung lalake. Nung una tinititigan ko lang siya sa malayo pero hindi kalaunan bumigay rin ako at tumabi sa kaniya. Nakakatuwa nga at kinakabahan ako, hindi ako makatingin sa kaniya ng deretso. Biruin niyo yun isang multo na hindi nakikita ng mga tao nahihiyang tumingin sa isang lalake. Nung nagkalakas loob akong tingnan siya doon ko lang nalaman na natutulog pala siya.

 Nahiya lang ako sa wala.

Mahigit kalhating oras na ring yung nakalipas nung nakatulog yung lalake nung bigla siyang nagising at napasigaw. Akala niya siguro nakalampas siya sa kaniyang bababaan. Bigla siyang pumara at dali-daling bumaba habang kinakamot ang ulo. Nauntog pa nga siya sa kakamadali.

Noong bumaba siya hindi ko nalang namalayan na sinusundan ko na pala siya. Sa tinagal-tagal ko ng nagmumulto sa jeep ngayon lang ako bumaba dahil naging interesado ako sa isang tao. Madalas kasi hindi ko namamalayang umiikot na yung jeep pabalik. Nakaupo lang ako lagi at tinitingnan ang mga taong nakaupo sa jeep. Minsan nga kahit nakauwi na yung driver nung jeep sa bahay nila nakasakay pa rin ako sa jeep nila.

Pero kakaiba ngayon.

Pumasok ang lalake sa isang madilim na apartment dun sa kantong kaniyang binabaan. Hindi eto gaano kalaki pero mukha naman ayos tirhan. Hindi magulo at maayos ang mga gamit. Para  sa isang lalake na nakatira magisa maayos ang kaniyang apartment.

Binuksan niya ang ilaw at binaba ang kaniyang gamit sa pinakamalapit na upuan. Nagunat-unat siya at nagbukas ng isang kalan. Kumuha siya ng isang takure at nagpakulo ng tubig, Nung nakita niyang kumukulo na eto nagbukas siya ng isang cup noodles at inilagay ang pinakuloang tubig,

“Bawal yan,” kumunot ang aking noo at lumapit sa kaniya. “Dapat ang mga binatang katulad mo ay kumain ng masustansiyang pagkain.”

“Pagod na ako para diyan. Bukas nalang siguro.”

Nagulat ako at biglang nanindig ang balahibo ko. Biruin mo yun yung multo ang natakot dahil sinagot siya ng isang tao.

“Naririnig mo ako?”

“Hay,” nagbuntong hininga siya at kinuha ang telepono malapit sa kaniya. “Gabing-gabi na ah. Anong kelangan mo?”

Ah, may tumatawag pala sa kaniya. Hindi pala niya ako kinakausap. Kinabahan ako doon ah. Pero halong lungkot at saya ang naramdaman ko. Masaya siguro kong may tao akong nakakausap at may taong nakakakita sakin.

[-----]

Siya si Neil. Isang studyante sa kolehiyo. Madami siyang kaibigan at mahilig ang mga ito na makitulog sa kaniyang apartment dahil lagi silang nasasaraduhan ng kanilang dorm. Mahigit isang linggo ko na rin siyang sinusubaybayan. Mukha naman siyang nagaaral ng mabuti. Hindi rin naman siya nakakalimot magsaya.

Hindi ko maiwasang mainggit kaya lahat ng klase niya pinupuntahan ko. Nakikinig ako at tinatangkang intindihin ang mga tinuturo ng kaniyang mga guro. At dahil multo ako at wala akong maalala wala rin akong naiintindihan sa mga klase niya.

“Pare anong sagot dito?” lumapit ang isang lalake sa kaniyang tabi at nagtanong.

“Hoy ano ka ba quiz to. Mapagalitan pa tayo,” dali-dali niyang tinaboy ang kaniyang kaklase at nagpatuloy sa pagsagot.

“Akala ko ba pare we’re all in this together. Share! Share!” Hindi nagpatinag ang lalake at patuloy pa rin ginulo si Neil.

“Ma’am si Kevin po nangongopya!” Itinaas ni Neil ang kaniyang kamay at tinawag ang kanilang guro.

“Kevin!” 

“Pare ganiyanan tayo e.”

Nagtawanan ang lahat at kahit ako napatawa rin sa nakita ko. Mukhang ang saya-saya ni Neil. Hindi lumipas ang isang araw na hindi siya ngumingiti. Ganito rin kaya ako noon nung nabubuhay pa kaya ako?

 [-----]

Noong una akala ko isang malapit na tao si Neil sa akin noong nabubuhay pa ako. Akala ko isa siyang kamag-anak ko o kaya isang matalik na kaibigan. Tiningnan ko ang mga bagay sa kaniyang apartment ngunit ni-isa dito ay hindi nagbigay ng sagot sa aking hinala.

 “Ma,” ang sambit ni Neil sa kaniyang telepono. “Sa wakas ma. Nakamit ko na siya.”

Hindi ko na naintindihan ang mga sumunod pero rinig ko na nagiiyakan na si Neil at kaniyang kausap.

“Ma sige mamaya ulit may bibisitahin lang ako.”

Binaba ni Neil ang hawak niyang telepono at lumapit kung nasaan ako. Dali-dali niyang kinuha ang rosas sa tabi ng lamesa.  Nakita niya ang kalat na ginawa ko pero dahil sa pagmamadali hindi niya na lang eto pinansin.

“Neil saan ka pupunta?” tinanong ko siya kahit alam kong hindi siya sasagot. Ang bilis niyang maglakad halos hindi na ako makasunod sa kaniya.

“Neil?”

 Biglang tumigil si Neil at lumuhod sa isang puntod. Doon ko nalang nalaman na nasa sementoryo pala kami. Ibinaba niya ang rosas na hawak niya at hinimas ang lapida.

 “Pasensiya na ate ngayon lang ako nagpakita.” Tumawa si Neil at patuloy na hinimas ang lapida. “Tanda ko pa dati kaya nila gusto na dito ka ilibing para mabisita ka ng mga kaibigan mo pero tingnan mo ngayon.”

 Tumingin ako sa paligid at nakita ko kung gaano kagulo ang libingan ng binibisita ni Neil. Mahahaba na ang mga damo at hindi mo makikitaan na pinagsindahan ng kandila. Halatang-halata na walang bumibisita dito.

 “Ang dami-daming pumunta sa libing mo noon. Lahat umiiyak. Lahat nagluluksa. Lahat nangako na bibisitahin ka araw-araw. Pero bakit ngayon parang nawala na sa hangin ang mga salita nila.” Napaluha si Neil at nagsimulang magbunot ng damo sa gilid ng lapida.

 “Ate Ericka salamat sa pagligtas sa akin. Ako na hindi mo kakilala. Ako na isang hamak na bata palang noon. Pasensiya na kung ngayon lang ako bumisita sabi ko kasi sa sarili ko babalik lang ako pag graduate na ako.”

 Nanigas ang aking katawan. Natakot ako. Unti-unting nalaglag sa aking pisngi ang aking mga luha. Ang dating simpleng puti damit ko unti-unting naging kulay pula. Ang nakalugay kong buhok ay unti-unting naging kulot at ang aking paa ay nakaroon ng sapatos.

Naalala ko na. 

Hawak ko aking toga noon. Kausap ko ang nanay ko sa telepono at sinabi ko sa kaniya na magkita nalang kami sa lugar kung saan gaganapin ang graduation ceremony. Bigla ko nalang nakita na may humaharurot na kotse sa harapan ko. Hindi nito nakita na naka senyas sa spotlight ang kulay pula.

May bata noon sa harap ko na lumiban dahil nagsenyas ang traffic enforcer sa may pedestrian na pwede ng lumiban. Hindi nakita noong bata ang humaharurot na kotse kaya dali-dali ko siyang tinulak paalis doon at sa kasamaang palad ako ang nadali ng humaharurot na kotse. Pagkatapos noon hindi ko na alam ang nangyari.

Si Neil pala iyon. Ang laki-laki niya na. Kaya pala. Naiintindihan ko na ang lahat.

“Ate Ericka magmamartsa na ako. Ipagpapatuloy ko na ang iyong nasimulan.”

Sa huling pagkakataon sumakay ako sa jeep sa rotang lagi kong sinasakyan. Nagpaalam ako kay Neil at nagpasalamat dahil hindi pala nasayang ang aking sakripisyo. Hindi niya man ito narinig pero kahit papaano alam kong makakarating sa kaniya ang mensahe ko.

Habang nakasakay ako sa jeep, inalala ko ang lahat ng mga bagay na aking nakalimutan. Ang tanda ko na pala, sampung taon na pala akong patay!  At nung kuntento na ako sa lahat-lahat, unti-unti na akong naglaho sa aking kinauupuan.

 Sa wakas pagkatapos ng napakahabang biyahe, nakauwi na rin ako.       

[Wakas]

[polengwrites]

Firsts

Summary:  First kiss, first fight, first time holding hands, first time seeing each other’s parents, first time knowing something new about them.

Isn’t that perfect? Isn’t it heart racing? Isn’t it a wonderful experience? Isn’t that what your relationship is about? Experiencing every firsts with your loved one.

They were sixteen. Too young to step out to the world and too naïve to know what relationship is really all about. But even though, they still did it. A lot of teenagers always do. They engage on a fruitless relationship that might not even last up to college.

“I like you! Please go out with me,” the girl shouted all of her might. Her eyes were close and her body was shaking all over. She put all of her courage to say those words.

“She likes me?,” the boy muttered. He began to look for answers and reasons of being liked. He was not that popular. He does not play sports. He is just a simple student attending school. “But why?,” he asked the girl with disbelief. “I do not have any redeeming qualities! My mom does not even compliment me as handsome!”

The boy explained. He tried to fight the truth. He still does not believe that there is someone looking at him that way. The boy was very confused. It is as if he is looking at something imaginable, impossible! The girl laughed. Her nervousness finally subsided seeing the boy being confused like that. It reminded her that she was not the only one nervous. 

“Because you are you,” the girl answered and flashed out a big smile.

Just like that they started going out. At their first month of being in a relationship, everything was in disarray.  They felt like the whole world was going against them. During their second week of being lovers, the girl invited the boy to visit her home. She said she wanted to introduce him to her family.

Like a normal conservative family would, they rejected the boy. The girl’s parents said the most cliché reasons out of the book. “You are too young.” “What if something terrible happens?” “What if you get pregnant?”

But mischievous as she was, the girl did not heed her parents. They still continue to go out. The boy was trying to put some common sense on her but it was no avail. She just gave him a light pat on the shoulder and her widest carefree smile. The boy always wondered who wears the pants in their relationship. But he just always shrugged it off. He finds her charming that way. He likes how she spends her day with no regrets, always flashing that smile of hers.

Eventually, their relationship got through to the girl’s family and accepted them. But not before they all sat down and went through a serious talk. Some tears were shed and some secrets were revealed. The boy felt that he was asking their daughter’s hand for marriage.

That following weekend, it was the girl’s turn to meet the boy’s family. Unlike the girl’s family, the boy’s family were welcoming. They even put out streamers and baked cake. The girl remarked that it felt like she was having a birthday party. Obviously, the boy was extremely embarrassed. His family even added to the embarrassment and teased him until he was as red as a tomato. 

“I learned something new today,” the girl happily remarked and smiled at the boy next to her.

“What? That I am such a dork and everyone makes fun of me,” the boy said as he hid his red and embarrassed face. He was walking her home. The afternoon visit they planned became a game night and dinner. “I should not have introduced them to you,” the boy pouted and sulked.

The girl just laughed and replied, “I realized that I now know where you get your wicked cool humor.”

“Wicked cool humor she said,” the boy replied with an irritating tone. “I bet you are just regretting going out with me.”

“There you are again.” The girl puffed her cheek and glared at the boy. “Always saying that you do not deserve me, that I will regret this decision, that I made a wrong decision. Blah! Blah!” The girl pinched the boy’s cheek and smiled. “You really need to get over your insecurities.”

“You talk like you do not have one,” the boy replied.

“Because I work on them! I recognize them, accept them and do my very best to defeat them.” The girl put out her chest and pumped it lightly. “This is not the time to be weak.” She added but the boy felt like she was saying that to herself not to him.

“Yes, yes.” The boy took out her hand and smiled. “Aren’t you the strongest girlfriend ever?”

“Of course!” The girl replied and pumped out her chest again but failed. She let out a couple of coughs that made the boy laugh. The girl got angry and puffed out her cheeks. “What are you laughing at?!,” the girl said and proceeded the boy across the neighbourhood.

On their second month of being together, they decided to go on a date. They never had one before. The girl’s parents were always getting away, much to the girl’s chagrin. But due to the boy’s persistence, the girl’s parents reluctantly agreed.

They were only going on the nearby park. The boy did not have that much savings to invite the girl on an amusement park. He doubts her parents will even agree to that anyway. Well at the end of the day, he knows why they are so protective of her anyways.

“You know I wanted to have siblings,” the girl said as she threw a piece of bread on the lake. “Being an only child is lonely.”

“It’s not that awesome as you think. You know my brothers always pull pranks on me. Sometimes I wonder who the youngest one in the family is.”

“My mom said to me one time that I used to have an older brother. She said that he died on her womb. My mom has two miscarriages after that. They said I was even lucky to be alive,” the girl looked up in the sky and smiled. “I wonder if that is being called ‘lucky’.”

“You seem down today,” the boy noticed and continued feeding the ducks. “Did something happen?”

“We got in a fight. They said I should not be wasting my life dating you or anyone for that matter. They said that I will only get hurt,” the girl replied and buried her head on her arms and knees. “Don’t they know that they are the ones hurting me?”

“Denied,” the boy hit the girl on her head and smile. “Our first date. No sad face. No problems. Just be happy.”

“Then please tell a cool wicked joke instead,” the girl teased.

“I know my jokes are not that funny so stop rubbing it in.”

“But I wonder why you are still telling those jokes to class. You know, there are only a handful of times people should embarrassed themselves in the crowd.”

“Shut it!”

Their first date was really not that romantic as people always glamorize it. There was no awkwardness. Both of them showed up the same time. Well, the girl did dress up nicely. Her chestnut brown shoulder length hair was still the same but she added cute hairpins for the occasion. She said that it will make her cuter, which the boy did not fail to compliment upon. They held hands, walked around the park, told each other stories and tried to laugh at the boy’s joke if possible.

“You know we should go to an amusement park next time,” the girl said before opening the door of her house. “Not that I hate walking around the park a couple, well a lot of times. But I like to feel the wind in my face while screaming to death.”

“Yeah…,” the boy suddenly felt sad and put on a weak smile. “Let’s do that when everything is all sorted out and you are okay already.” The girl let out a deep sigh and frowned. She realized that even the boy was thinking all that sort of things. She just smiled it out and sneaked a small peck on the boy’s lips.

“Good night,” the girl quickly opened the door and waved at him. Before she closed the door, she gave him a wink and giggled. “That’s your punishment for being a worrywart!”

On their fourth month, they got into a fight. The girl got sick and was in bed for two weeks. One night she decided to sneak out and visit the boy. Her parents prohibited the boy from visiting even just outside their house. Her parents demanded that not even a speck of dust coming from the boy should be seen until she was okay. Her parents believed that the girl needed to focus on recuperating than flirting with someone.

“Why are you here?!” The boy was pale as sheet as he opened to window from his room. The girl just flashed her regular smile and sticks her tongue out, hoping to get away with it. “How did you even climb up here? This is the second floor!”

“Well,” the girl cleaned her pajamas and sat down on the boy’s bed. “I missed you. I can’t even call you! My mother blocked you number even in our telephone.”

“That’s it,” the boy muttered and head towards his closet. He took out his denim jacket and wrapped it around the girl. “We are going to get you home.”

“No.”

“You are sick. You need to stay at home to recuperate” The boy took the girl’s hand and held it tightly. But the girl did not budge. The boy tried again and again but the girl did not move an inch. “Maybe they are right. Maybe this is not working out. I will only make you worse.”

With those words coming out from the boy, the girl slapped the boy and walked out from the window she entered in awhile ago. She did not say anything, she just left. They never talked for another two weeks even though the girl was already healthy and back to school. They do not look at each other and tried their best not to talk to one another.

But after being hospitalized once, the boy immediately went to the girl’s side and apologized. He cried his heart out while the girl continued to pat his head. She was happy but sad at the same time. Hearing the words, “I thought I am going to lose you.” from the boy was very heart wrenching. She kept saying that it was only anaemia over and over again wishing for it to come true. For the first time, the girl felt regret.

“What is that?” The boy turned around with the sound of a camera shutter going off.

During their sixth month, the girl started bringing a Polaroid camera with her. She took pictures of the boy and proceeded to laugh her ass off after it has been developed. She also took pictures of the scenery and the places they usually hang out with.

“Are you taking funny pictures of me again?” the boy asked as he sauntered to the girl’s side.

“Trust me,” the girl hid the photo on her pocket and pointed to the boy. “There is nothing funny from you. I am very sorry but based on the doctor’s analysis there has been an absence of a funny bone on your body.”

“Very shocking,” the boy said and tried to take the photo she was hiding on her pocket. But the girl was quick on her feet and immediately backed a couple of inches.

 “This is for memories.” The girl took the photo out and raised it in the air. “I wonder how many more wonderful memories I could make.”

“Plenty.” The boy gently placed his forehead against hers and wiped her tears. “We will keep doing more and more stuff from now on! We can finally go on a date in the amusement park. I already asked permission. It will be great!”

The girl did not spoke. She just nodded and silently cried on his shoulders. Before long, she could hear the boy also weeping. He tried his best to stop his tears but in the end he also cried his hearts out. The girl reached out to the boy’s head, silently patting it.

“Lame, crying like that,” the girl laughed and wiped her tears.

On their eight month, the boy began to have recurring dreams. It was all about the girl leaving him and finding someone new. He tried to call her out but she just kept walking farther and farther away from him. He was so scared. It kept him awake at night. There are even times that he did not want to sleep. His phone was practically glued to his face just in case the girl wanted to talk to her.

His parents and brothers become worried. He did not eat and sleep for weeks. But even though he acted this way, he still goes to school and spend time with the girl. He pretended that he was okay even though he was dying inside. He tried to smile for her because he knows she could not anymore. Obviously his family tried to get him out of the situation. They talked, pleaded and cried in front of him. But he just smiled and said, “Everything is okay.”

“You got thinner,” the boy said as he glanced to the girl on the bed. “Are you eating properly?”

“Right back at you.” The girl tried to punch him but she was too weak to do so. She was looking at the boy’s torso. His collarbone was noticeable and his eyes looked sunken. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” the boy said as the bottle of hot coffee slipped out of his hands. “I’m just tired from all of that homework.”

“But I heard you haven’t been going to school lately.” The girl glared at the boy, trying to squeeze the truth out of him.

“That’s because of a lot of homework that needs to be done.” The boy dropped the bottle once again and almost lost his balance. He was so tired that he cannot stand straight anymore.

“Can you please leave me alone for awhile?” The girl could not take any longer and snapped. She was angry, angry at herself. She started crying out of frustration. The boy tried to console her but she refused. “J-just go. Please.”

Then that day came. He was sleeping on his bed when he heard the news. It was as painful as he imagined. Everything went black. The sky got dimmer. The clouds roared in thunder. Reality finally came. He wanted to dash out of his room and go to her side. But all he can do was sat on the foot of his bed and cry.

It took him a day to finally sort himself out. When he went to the wake, the girl’s mother was crying to her coffin. Everyone was wearing sad faces. The girl’s father took him to the girl’s room and apologized. The girl’s father cried and apologized for not giving the couple their heartfelt blessings. When the father finally calmed down, he gave a letter to the boy and went downstairs.

He was a bit hesitant on reading the letter. He knew where it came from. He knew who wrote it. He was just afraid of the content. He was afraid that she will say sorry over and over again. He was afraid that he might lose it after reading the letter. But he gave in. He opened the letter and read it.

“John thank you for everything. I want you to know that I love you not because of how uncool you are or how lame your jokes are. Trust me you really need to improve your jokes. I don’t even know what century you got those.” John smiled and wiped his tears. “Even on her last will she still makes fun of me.”He said to himself and remembered the girl’s goofy wide smile. “That girl never changes.”

He took a deep breath and continued reading the letter, “It might be weird but you know even from awhile back you were already my strength. Even since I was young, I was already battling this sickness I have. My parents were so protective of me that I was forced to act tough and happy. I always wear smile to prove to them that I am just fine. It became a habit that I don’t even know what real happiness is about anymore. But when I see you, I can laugh. Because you know, wicked cool humor coming out of your mouth.”

John laughed and continued on, “I always envy how happy you were. I felt that you were having the time of your life. You are being you yet you are still happy. Maybe that is the reason that I came to like you. I want to be with you so I can feel those feelings as well.”

John sat on her bed and tried to remember the day she confessed. To be honest, he really did not see anything likeable about the girl. Through John’s eyes, she was like him, no redeeming qualities and just an average person. That’s why he never bothered being closed to her even though they knew each other for so long.

“So will you go out with me?” the girl asked.

“Uhm….yeah.” John did not think highly of himself. He has no self-confidence and thought that he will not have any form of relationship with any other girls. But when someone finally confessed to him, he took the chance and grabbed it. He thought that at least he has something to brag on.

“Oh,” the girl clapped her hands and smiled. “Just so you know, I’m dying.”

“Huh?”

“I have a really weak body and was just diagnosed to have only six months to live!” the girl proudly exclaimed.

“Are you joking?!” John did not know what to react. He knew she was a happy-go-lucky girl but he did not know she was a complete nutcase as well. “Please tell me you are only joking.”

“I sure wish that’s the case,” the girl said and kicked a nearby stone. “Heh. You must think I’m fighting dirty making you feel bad so you have to go out with me. But I only have six months to live and I really like you so I really need to go out with you!”

She was always like that. She always made the atmosphere lighter.  She makes sure that everyone around her was laughing. John at that very moment realized why. He realized that she was pushing herself to smile. She was running away from her sickness.

  He would not admit it but he only wanted to be her boyfriend because he might not get another chance. He thought that six months is a short time to be attached to her. He thought that he will not fall in love with her. But as the day goes by, he began to make all of those efforts just for her. He even put up with the girl’s over protective straight laced parents.

At first, he can’t deny that he was curious. He was curious how someone can smile like that even with all of those happening around her. That curiosity then turned into admiration. And that admiration turned into care and affection. By the time he realized it, he was already in love with her.

“I have a diary hidden in my room somewhere,” John continued reading the letter. “Tomorrow will be my sixth month. I am scared. I do not know if I will be even able to wake up tomorrow. But if I do I plan to make a diary containing of pictures of the time we will spent starting tomorrow. If I die I hope you will find it before my parents forbid you to coming near my stuff. You have known them this much so please find it.”

“Oh, if I will die and we have a fight before that. I’m sorry about that. I know you are such a worrywart. Just today you held my hand a little bit tighter. I wonder if you will hold it tighter and tighter as days go by. Will I be crippled if that happens?! Haha. Sorry for everything. Sorry for making you grant this selfish girl’s wish. Sorry for….”

The rest of the letter was not readable anymore. The paper was soaked in tears. John imagined how much it must have hurt the girl just to write the letter. She was probably shaking and was trying to put all her emotions into words. She probably tried to stop her tears from falling. She probably wrote those words over again whenever tears fall on the paper.

“Leah…” John hugged the letter as if it was Leah herself and cried from the thought of her.

That night John found the diary Leah was talking about. It was not really practically hidden. John even thought that there was no attempt to hide the diary in the first place. It was on plane view. When he opened the diary, it was all pictures of him. Well he was not really surprised since Leah did take quite a lot of them.

But the thing that surprised him was the caption below the pictures. It was all compliments. It was all compliments for him. Like how he smiles, how he make people try to laugh, how he put Leah first before everything. When he reached the end of the notebook, there was another letter for him.

It says, “I know how little you look at yourself. Chin up, John! This diary is dedicated on how amazing you are. I wanted to leave this for you so when I passed away you will look at yourself as the best person ever. I hope this will change your pessimistic view. I wanted to be your self-confidence after all you have given me. This is how I look at you. This is what most probably people see in you so cheer up John!”

John sniffed and wiped his tears, “Leah you idiot. You were supposed to put an ‘I love you’ at the end.” He took the diary and letter with him and head downstairs. John took a good look at Leah’s face and said goodbye.

--

“Do you know what you are going into?” Leah’s father said as he slammed the table. “Leah is dying. What do you want her virginity?!”

“Father stop!!!” Leah stood up and shouted. “How can you judge John just like that?! You have only just met him seconds ago!”

“That does not change the fact you are dying honey.” Leah’s mother butted in and shed a single tear. “What good will entering in a relationship now will do to you? Does he even love you?”

“I do. I love her,” John replied to the question with a determined look. “ I love your daughter so please give us your blessing.“

“What are you saying boy?” Leah’s mother was perplexed. She felt the conviction John has. “You will only get hurt. You do know she only has six months to live right?”

“I know.” John clenched his fist and replied, “And I’m not intending to waste any second of it.”

“John….”

That was the first time, John expressed his love for Leah. Leah was shocked. They only started dating two weeks ago. They never talked and never hang out together. She wondered if he was only acting for her sake. But a part of her wanted it to be real. It made her heart skipped a bit. That was the time she confirmed that she really love this humorless boy named John.

--

“Hey Leah,” John stood up and looked at sky. “I wonder if what we felt that day was love. A lot of people kept saying that we just got swept away by emotions and curiosity of being young. Do you agree with that?”

“Well you have a lot time there to figure it out.” John smiled and looked back at the tombstone. He stared for it for awhile and placed the flowers he was holding on his arms. “I hope you are still smiling up there.

--

“Wouldn’t it be nice?” Leah asked and noticed that John was spacing out. She puffed her cheek and just continued talking. “I never heard of people marrying their first love. Can you believe it? Their first love and first boyfriend will also be their last.”

“Have you been reading romance novels again?” John raised his brow and looked at the books scattered on her bedside. “Those stories are too good to be true.”

“I cannot help it.” Leah took her books and moved them away from John. “They were the only thing that entertains me in this hospital room.” She sighed and gave a hopeless smile. “It just amazes me that people can look at their future like this. I can’t even look past the next day. For me living today is already my future. Thank you.”

 “For what?” John was shocked from Leah’s sudden change of behavior.

“For my firsts.” Leah smiled while her tears flow from her eyes.

[polengwrites]

The Clockwork

Summary: The clock ticks, the time goes on but what if it tells more than what the time is? 

"One hotdog please!," a boisterous shout came from the stall just behind her.

The shout made her distracted and made her stop what she was doing. She looked behind her to see the commotion and saw the girl's friends scolding her for being too loud.

The girl laughed embarrassingly and apologized to the salesperson then to the crowd she disturbed, The scenery made her smile. It made her reminisce of her juvenile days.

But the feeling quickly faded away as she tuck her hair behind her ear and crossed her legs. "I have no time for this. It is  decades ago anyways," she reminded herself and focused her mind on the task in front of her.

Linda is on her late 30's. She works on a nice company with nice stable income--for a person living alone that is. She is a late bloomer or what she call herself "a person abandoned by time". Her friends, cousins and even her younger siblings already have a family. While she, on the other hand, is living alone with zero relationship whatsoever. 

BUT that doesn't mean she is not contented with it. In fact this is the life she wanted, the life she always dreamed of.

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

Linda was writing a report about the business meeting she had earlier this month. It was her lunch break and as always she eats in a joint with a sandwich and coffee at her table.

She brought her work outside for a change of pace. Seeing people restless and walking on the streets out her mind at ease. It makes her think that she has a different time with everyone else. It makes her think that she is at her own pace. It makes her think that the world is going slow-mo around her.

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

That again. Linda put down her pen and looked around her. "Where is that noise coming from?," she thought and observed her surroundings very carefully.

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

"Could it be...." Linda paused and prayed for the worst to not happen. She bit her lip in frustration and slowly closed her eyes to calm herself.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

She tried to remember if there was something suspicious. Is there a bag left out in the open? Is there a person she felt suspicious with? 

"Is there something wrong ma'am?," a waiter asked and approached her.

She opened her eyes and waved her hands dismissively. "I'm fine. Just a bit nauseous," she lied to shake off the waiter.

"You want some medicine ma'am?"

"No," she shook her head and went back on working on her report. "I'm fine."

"Okay ma'am. Just ask if you need any assistance," the waiter completely given up and went back to work.

 Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

 "How could I hear a ticking of a bomb from my position anyways," she tried to convinced herself. "I'm not a dog. Maybe it was just my watch. Maybe the lie I told earlier was true."

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock

"This is only happening because I was overexerting myself again. I'm just a little tired that is all."

Ticktockticktockticktockticktock

The ticks suddenly become faster. She tried to ignore it but her brain just can't. It drove her crazy. Her breathing began synchronizing with the ticks. She didn't even realize that she was sweating badly already.

"Enough!," she told to herself and slammed her paperwork and pen on the table.  She took her bag on the side and shoved them in carelessly. She was breathing very deeply and her vision is blurring.

"I think this is enough fresh air for today," she stood up and called out to the waiter. She gave her payment for her food and head out of the joint. She was walking on the sidewalk, thinking of going back to her office. It was few steps away and a little calmer than the noisy streets she was eating with a little earlier.

Luckily, thew ticks have stopped and made her calm. She was about to cross the pedestrian when a traffic enforcer showed up and stopped her. He pointed above and alerted her that the light was red. 

Tick...

The ticks started again. Linda became restless. She was looking at the stoplight like crazy. Every second she waste the more restless she becomes.

The ticks become faster and louder that Linda can't even hear her own thoughts anymore. She closed her eyes and tried to run away from it. She was panicking that she can't think straight anymore. The traffic enforcer tried to stop her but it was too late.

BEEP!BEEP! 

She was halfway through the pedestrian when she opened her eyes and looked at her surroundings. IT was a bus alerting her to move away. Both the passengers of the bus and the onlookers where shouting, some even closed their eyes and looked away. 

Linda finally understood what the ticks are for. She closed her eyes and readied herself. The ticks echoed so loudly to her brain that  she just accepted the truth.

Tick......tock.........tick........tock.......

She opened her eyes one last time and thought, "I should have called my family instead."

Tick......tock.........tick........tock.......tick.....tock.......tick.........tock......tick......tock......

[The End]