here, have a sprinkle of some lashton thoughts)basically a big clustefuck of my mind):
sidenote: discusses a low point and depressive tendencies. i’m not quite sure where this came from but please, feel free to pass it up.
worlds of words are being created from each end of the house, music notes tie them together in new sounds of shattering hearts towards an uplifting crescendo of dreams come true. Luke is in one room strumming and scribbling away while Ashton is tapping and humming along to the music of colors floating in his mind. it’s been like this for a solid three weeks and while you love the creativity ebbing and flowing from them, it’s taken away from your own personal time with them.
are you being a teensy selfish? maybe. are you extremely jealous when one of them wanders into the other’s room to create something together and you’re left outside of the door? extremely so.
this morning started out like any other, Ashton’s fingers tracing your face lightly while Luke rubs your back until you’re awake. Soft kisses and ‘good morning’s’ are exchanged in sleepy voices and just when you’re about to really cuddle, they leave you claiming it’s time for breakfast.
grumbling and mumbling a few choice words towards their retreating backs, you fold yourself back into the sheets. you’re surrounded by the smell of both Luke and Ashton, the closest you’ve been to them lately, leftover aftershave.
you hear them tinker downstairs, quiet chatter and a few laughs float up over your quilt covered head. after a few minutes you hear them shuffle back upstairs. they’re talking of their schedules for the day then calls your name. you breathe shallowly under the blanket, silently begging one of them to tear the bedding away.
“let’s let her sleep, she’s been tossing and turning a lot lately,” luke says.
“wonder why that is?”
“dunno, she’ll come find us when she wakes up.”
defeated and crushed, you continue to listen as they head to their respective rooms. have you really been tossing and turning in your sleep? you’re in a weird mood that has no name and you’re surprised when tears spring in your eyes when they left you in bed all alone. then you become angry because you should just tell them what’s going on but...you can’t.
why? you wish you knew.
the tears keep flowing until the saltwater drifts you on the ocean of sleep and the world fades away.
the next time you wake your eyes are puffy, your nose a little stuffy and you’re hot. you kick the bedding off you, cool air smacking your face and you roll over to ashton’s side of the bed where your phone is. you slept for nearly four hours and have multiple texts from ashton and luke.
breakfast is on the counter, lovie
coffee is still hot in the pot, angel
what are your plans for the day?
come find me when you’re awake
how about chinese for dinner?
luke wants chinese, what do you think?
they texted you in succession every hour, but you didn’t feel like responding and just read through them all. sighing, you roll back over to luke’s side staring out the window. the leaves shake in the breeze and a flock of birds fly overhead. you land on the photo of the three of you at some party. you’re sat in the middle, legs crossed and leaning into Luke’s back while still also being curved into Ashton as well. their hands are joined on top of your knee, your smiles radiant and shining with love and comfort.
you slip off the bed to use the toilet, wash your face and brush your teeth. your face is still splotchy from your tears, your stomach grumbles but you head back into bed anyway.
something is hollowing in your chest as you gaze at the ceiling, you’re still unsure what mood this is but you let it consume you. the best way out is through and you don’t want to bug them with your inane influx of emotions.
somehow you end up falling asleep again and the door handle turning is what awakens you. peering over your shoulder, you peek to see Ashton enter with Luke very close behind. Both of their brows are furrowed and you can sense their anxiety.
“you’ve been up here all day,” ashton says falling next to you. he pushes hair away from your face to look at your eyes. “have you been crying?”
“crying?!” luke asks as you bury your face in the mattress. you feel him dip on your other side. “why are you crying? what hurts?”
you shake your head as more tears well up, wetting the sheets as you feel their hands in your hair and on your back, then on your legs as if inspecting to find a broken bone or cut.
“angel, talk to us please. what’s happened?” ashton asks softly by your ear.
“how can we help?”
you cry more, guilt washing over you as you don’t deserve their concern. you brought this on yourself, not speaking up in the first place. they’ll hate you for being so selfish.
“we could never hate you, lovie,” luke says trying to lift your head from the bed.
had you said that out loud? when it becomes hard to breathe, you lose your own fight by flipping over, hair clinging to your tear stained face. they both wipe at your tears and dab at your nose as you gasp for breath.
“shh, shh, it’s okay, you’re all right,” ashton hushes cradling your head against his arm. luke takes your hand in his giving it a kiss and places his other hand on the inside of your thigh. the tickle of his fingers helps calm you down, but only slightly.
“I feel...” your eyes follow the fan above rotating, trying to find the right words. “i feel lonely. like i’m not here, you’re both in your rooms writing and singing which is wonderful but i’m out here everyday in my own world. watching tv, cleaning, reading, sitting outside and i’m alone and i feel selfish for thinking that. but i also feel weird...i’m in a mood that’s just...odd and i didn’t know i was tossing and turning or if i was even sleepy while i slept all day. i’m feeling nothing and everything.” the words vomit out of your mouth, they don’t even make sense to you so how would they understand?
Luke sighs then changes position to lay his head on your stomach, his baby blues peer up at you sadly.
“we have been pretty busy with our writing, haven’t we?”
“I’m sorry, angel,” ashton rubs your cheek. “we never meant to do that. we always want to spend time with you, you lighten up our life so much.”
“I should have brought this up weeks ago,” luke says, “you’ve been tossing nearly every night. that’s not like you and i should’ve realized--we’ll make it up to you. tonight and tomorrow we’re all yours. no music writing.”
“I don’t want to take you away from that,” you cry as a new set of tears spill over.
“no, no, no, don’t think like that,” ashton says, “we need to find a balance and we were spiraling down a creative hole with no way of knowing where we’ll end up. you’re our balance.”
“but i’m so unbalanced right now,” you mumble looking between the two of them. they smile at your little quip.
“so are we,” luke kisses your tummy. “let’s figure it out together.”
“you can always come to us and tell us what you’re feeling, we’ll understand and if we don’t, we’ll try to.” ashton kisses your temple.
“we love you,” luke says inching up to press a kiss to your cheek. he keeps kissing your face until you’re laughing at the tickle of his scruff.
you hide your head in ashton’s chest, his arms pull you close and then you feel luke sidle up behind you. his arm moves around you as he spoons you, his face tucked into your neck.
“I love you guys, too,” you say.
“how about we take a beat in the hot tub, let the bubbles remove our stress. we’ll talk everything out,” ashton suggests.
“that sounds nice,” you sigh but close your eyes to the sound of his heart. you feel luke’s heartbeat as well, you’re surrounded by a symphony of love. “can we stay for a little while longer?”
“anything you want.”