#poly parent au

[dimprobs]

Okay, but what about the kid's name/nickname? The kid may be Bruce's "Roller Rink Master" but Joel's "Thespian Masterpiece". (One of them called the kid "fucker" but they all shunned them, and now they gotta think up of more creative and encouraging nicknames.)

“fucker” omg i snorted. i feel like james especially would be one of those parents who does not give one single shit about swearing in front of their kids like. he would 10/10 call the kid a little fucker. like that time the kid thought it would be a good idea to hide one shoe out of each pair of shoes james owned and then laughed their ass off as the watched james search the house trying to find them. and then elyse and peake overhear him swearing not just in front of the kid, but to the kid directly and james gets a very stern telling off from matt about setting a good example and not encouraging their kid to use language like that. so james talks to calling them monkey instead bc that’s a little bit cute but also represents how much of a mischievous rascal the child can be. spoole opts for a simple “buddy” if he ever uses a nickname at all. adam’s taken to calling them “champ” bc their baseball practice has been going really well and the kid’s pretty good and adam always says they’re his little champion. elyse has started using “chicken pie” or just “chicken” lately after a particularly interesting afternoon of baking which ended up in the kid wearing a pie before it even got to the oven. plus she thinks it’s adorable. matt mostly just calls them by their name but when he’s being overly affectionate he might call them “teapot.” bc matt has never in his life met a kid that young who likes tea as much as this kid. matt thought at first they were just interested in his herbal teas because they were pretty colours but he let them try some and now every time matt has tea he has to make some for the kid too, and even then he still gets nagged to make more.

[dimprobs]

Imagine what nightmare planning it must be for the Poly-Parents to go on vacation. Everyone wants to do different things, see different locations. Matt wants to go hiking up mountains in Nepal, Adam craves for any Europe country, Spoole wants to collect souvenirs in form of hats, Joel just wants to go to NYC for broadway shows. Meanwhile Bruce and Jamea wants to be try-hards and suggest a whole USA cross-country roadtrip.

omg,, i forgot to reply to this but !!!! i love the idea of them all going on vacation together. and they’re all actually okay with the road trip idea until they realise how impractical it is to take a small child on a long car journey like that, so they agree that they’ll have to do it when the kid is a little older and will be more into it. same thing with joel and nyc; none of them really oppose going, but it’s a huge city and adam’s worried about losing the kid in a sea of tourists so they postpone that too. europe, however, seems to be a good bet. there’s a lot they wanna do and a few places they’d like to go so they draw up a shortlist of sights everyone wants to see. matt insists that he wants to go hiking still, so they’ll fit that in. joel suggests that they go to paris so he and adam can get some of that european culture they long for (and joel totally wants to indulge himself with a lot of french wine) and also there’s disneyland, which will please the kid as much as it’s gonna entertain the adults. James complains that the weather is too miserable most of the time in France, so Bruce points out that if they stopped off somewhere further south they’d get the benefits of the mediterranean weather, which sounds nice. Spoole does some research and comes back with the gorges du verdon which looks fucking gorgeous, and they’re all sold. they can camp and matt can do his hiking and james gets that nice weather and elyse really wants to go swimming in that beautiful blue water and declares that she’s gonna start teaching the kid how to swim before they go. and it’s a pretty good compromise; a few days in paris to see the sights and visit the theme park before heading down to camp in this canyon. 

[dimprobs]

But what if the parents try to sabotage one another during play dates with the kid. Like, Joel is reading stories to them, and then Bruce bashes the door in: "Hey, bud, it's time to head out and go to the roller rink!" Joel goes: "Oh come on, Bruce, follow the time table!" And points at the super complex list on a whiteboard that is really just manic scribbling. (Meanwhile Matt and Adam listen in. "We were supposed to go play baseball...Eh, let's just play together, you and I.")

ohhhh my gosh. joel would totally make a timetable. he’d be like “if this is gonna be a fair competition then we have to get the same amount of time each” but nobody actually follows it and it’s everyone for themselves when it comes to being this kid’s favourite. like, there’s a few of them (like adam and matt) who just roll with whatever but then there’s the other end of the scale. bruce and james in particular are willing to do whatever the hell it takes to be as impressive and cool as possible. james gives himself up as the kid’s servant for the day one sunday, which means he follows them around and is there even when they should be spending time with someone else. bruce had coincidentally planned to go rollerskating that day. which means bruce and james go together and have a skate off whilst the kid follows behind them gleefully, bursting out into laughter every time one of them falls over. lawrence also pays no attention to the timetable and will tell the kid about all these new games and stuff so the kid begs him to play them and lawrence gets this smug grin on his face. the day lawrence gets the vr headsets delivered to the house is the most chaotic thing ever, bc the kid is amazed but everyone else wants to spend time with them too!! elyse is sneaking and starts cooking without them, so when they smell food the headsets off and they’re running to the kitchen, rolling up their sleeves as they go. they’re all taking it way too seriously, coming up with plots to try and mess up one another’s plans but the kid is actually having so much fun that it’s not even that much of a problem

[dimprobs]

Okay, so Poly-Parents go hang out all together with the kid. One of them asks: "So, buddy, which one is your favorite parent?" The kid takes a really long time thinking, but just ends up giggling and shrugging. The actual parent, in fake playful anger, asks: "What, you telling me you're favorite isn't me? Someone else is better?" All of them start laughing. "Oh come on, that's okay. The kid can't complain that he gets 6 different gifts on their birthday, I'm sure he genuinely can't choose."

omg,, and it totally escalates into a competition too. bc they don’t have an answer and they all wanna be the favourite parent so they spend the next few weeks just trying to outdo one another. the child is honestly the most spoilt kid in all of existence. matt and adam take them to a baseball game and constantly offer to play catch with them in the backyard, that they can practice together and they can even join a team if they want to bc matt and adam will come cheer them on at every game. james will pick them up and throw them in the air or let them ride around on his shoulders or sit on his back whilst james does push ups bc the kid likes to boss james around, laughs when they can make the big strong guy do whatever they say. bruce takes the kid to a roller rink one saturday and teaches them how to skate before letting them pick where they get lunch and buying the kid a chocolate milkshake. lawrence buys a ton of multiplayer games for them to play together and doesn’t just let the kid win, bc they’re smart and he tried that once and larr got yelled at for not playing properly. joel makes it his mission to make up amazing bed time stories every single night before the kid goes to sleep, and he lets them throw out ideas as he’s narrating and he just rolls with it, lets the kid slay a dragon or for the castle to actually be a pile of dirty laundry and it makes the kid giggle. elyse decides she wants to get better at cooking so her and the kid bake cookies and cupcakes together and she lets them lick the spoon. spoole is tired of the kid stealing his hats all the time, so he gets child sized ones in all different colours so they can wear one with every outfit. all of them wanna be the best parent ever and they all want the kid to pick them as their favourite. but all the competition does is make the kid like them all for different reasons and really it’s harder to pick now, bc that lil child just loves spending time with all of their parents and doing different things with different people.