Polyam aro culture is having a weird relationship with romanticism especially with your friends.
Like how do I explain that I’m jealous that they want to date someone but not because I’m romantically interested, just because no one is good enough for them.
I could treat them so much better than anyone else however we don’t like each other like that.
I also want to show them exactly how they deserve to be treated in a relationship. I want to give them the world, just not in a romantic way.
Also can we go on dates and do domestic shit together like grocery shopping and cooking? But I don’t want to kiss them.
And can we be inseparable best friends with no romantic connotations?
Aromantic versions of my two favorite polyamory flags
using this <2 symbol
my own adapted version of the polyamory infinity heart that uses the <2
without symbol, feel free to edit your own! (credit appreciated but not needed)
links below cut
Links:
Left side white arrow polyam flag reference: https://www.discoveringpolyamory.com/blog/celebrating-the-new-polyamory-pride-flag
All horizontal line polyam flag reference: https://polyamorytoday.com/polyamory-facts/polyamorous-flag-symbols/
<2 symbol meaning: https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/14c8oyc/what_does_2_mean/?rdt=43451 (best i can find. if someone has an op coining post lmk)
<2 i used: https://www.tumblr.com/hemlockpill/767569005092519936?source=share
The Multiamory Podcast did an Episode (Ep.438) discussing the intersection of polyamory and aromanticism.
Explicitly polyamorous/ polyaffectionate aromantics, not asexuals!
You are all welcome to chip in/ add on through reblogs and tags and commentary!
The relevant Facebook announcement got shared into a group I happen to be in and as I commented, thanking the person for sharing it seeing as the group wasn’t aro-related at all, I got politely asked to explain how polyamory works for me as an aromantic asexual.
Keep in mind this explanation was targeted for an audience/ readership of allo-allo polyamorous people.
Also: CONTENT WARNING ⚠️
Internalised acephobia, self-depreciation, implication of sexualised abuse, mention of faithfulness
So the first thing I always say is that: disclaimer – obviously I can only talk about my personal perspective and aromantic people are very diverse, asexual people are very diverse
I just happen to be an asexual aromantic, whereas many aromantics are allosexual (meaning any sexual orientation that isn’t asexuality); seeing as this post is explicitly about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory
I personally want a queerplatonic/ alterous life partner
That’s my personal wish, I want someone to share my life with
I consider myself polyaffectionate, seeing as I’m not “amorous” in any way shape or form
To me this means a few things
1) I practice relationship anarchy – I do not place a romantic relationship on some arbitrary pedestal, every relationship is important to me and that relationship looking like romance doesn’t mean much
For the other things I need to explain about myself first
I am a sex-averse asexual. I have had sex. I didn’t like it. I am generally sex-positive but I don’t necessarily want/ seek sex as part of any committed relationship; rather I’d avoid sex
(This following bit is self-depreciation but) Because of that I think I shouldn’t “tie down” any partner. Someone willing to be with me shouldn’t suffer for it and hence I don’t see a point in being possessive/ demanding sexual faithfulness – although the details would need to depend on the partner(s) and situation
Also due to me not making a grave distinction between “best friend” and “date friend” I just think it’s easier to call myself polyaffectionate since relationships involving me need thorough explanation anyway
I have explored through writing* what I’d like for myself and that basically always ends up that I’d like to be comfortable “sharing” my partner with pre-determined other people
I would only agree to a closed polycule, although I don’t need to be involved with everyone in it
Also I always hoped if I get that, if I get to have a queerplatonic polycule, it could be a found family and support network more than dating in the classical sense
Again, keep in mind all of this is just my personal perspective and I don’t speak for other aromantic people or other asexual people
Many asexuals are fine with/ want sex
Some aromantics are non-partnering/ would only practice solo-poly
My ideal relationship would be having one or two partners I live with, who are my family, who I can cuddle or leave to their own devices, basically a house share and we each cuddle and kiss each other as we please 🙈
—The thing is I’m aware I probably talk like someone who doesn’t value themself enough
Like, if I believed I could be enough for a partner my whole stance would be slightly different
But I have not yet made the experience that what I can offer (a sexless, queerplatonic commitment) is enough for people
I’m fully aware that mindset isn’t healthy but until someone proves I can be enough for them, well… “outsourcing” sex is easier than worrying
And if it’s a genuine relationship I’m happy for them, in any case
I wholeheartedly mean that I’d like a closed polycule and would be comfortable as described
But I also acknowledge that part of it comes from feeling inadequate/ not wanting to hold back the person(s) I love
I just know I can’t provide what – to many people – is a need
And since I know I can love more than one person at the same time I think getting to be with someone who also has other partners is my best chance… if that makes sense
As I said, I write a lot and with my latest novel-attempt* I think I found the relationship model I’d be comfortable with 🙈
* I have indeed written multiple fan fictions as well as original fiction about a self-insert character navigating relationships as I would like them to play out (setting aside the overarching plot of the individual fiction works) but seeing as I’m a pro-shipper and actually do have a writing side-blog, I don’t feel all that comfortable to just straight-up link my own writing here. Due to the here relevant works all featuring central relationships with a self-insert character, these works are also deeply personal. More so than other ship fiction I have written. I have linked these works on here before - as part of “#queerplatonic fiction” lists - but never really put “my name” (this blog’s URL) directly to them
people assuming you and your partner are romantically involved or even insisting the things you do together are romantic.
Like why is it romantic that we go out and get food or watch a movie? Why is it romantic that we cuddle and talk about whatever? Why is it romantic that sometimes he buys my groceries?
To me, it isn't. I think we are great friends and we care about eachother and we let one another know that! And it's great.
Polyamorous aro culture is finding a queer/polyam friend group and feeling so comfortable exploring different dynamics with your friends without having to worry that they think you're crushing on them bc they understand and respect your identity and aren't afraid to have serious conversations about feelings and boundaries
Like yes I regularly sleep with this person and me and this other person like to cuddle and hold hands and this person and I text each other like we're long distance lovers from the 1800s but like. Idk we're just vibing. Love my friends <3
This friend group sounds amazing and I’m a little jealous lol
