#polyamory is...

[gornwen]

Once a dear friend drew me into a literal closet to talk about polyamory. Her partner and her were in the process of opening up their relationship, which we all know how tricky that can be. She was struggling with jealousy but also feeling broken.

Because she just wasn't attracted to her new meta. Or anyone her partner found attractive. Now so many of us who are polyamorous know that you don't have to be attracted to, or hell, even like, the people your partners like. You do have to respect them.

But what was really getting to her was that she just isn't gay. Girl isn't queer. And she definitely is not physically or romantically attracted to other women. She was afraid that because she is straight she could not be polyamorous, or even try. That is a tragedy.

As a queer femme, I know for many of us that being polyamorous cannot be untangled from our own queerness. That's great.

For others, like my SE Asian partner, polyamory is the contemporary lived experience of his cultural inherentence. It is an act of decolonialism. That's great. But for him, it isn't queer.

Polyamory is bigger than queer. Reducing polyamory down to only one of its aspects is gatekeeping. Polyamory is bigger than that.

[gornwen]

Being polyamorous, I find speaking with monogamous folk about relationships so fascinating. Much of the work is the same. It's about checking if everyone's needs are being met, if everyone is feeling seen, supported. It is about asking if this relationship is something you want to carry with you to tomorrow.

But there are moments I find polyamory to be more forgiving of slowly evolving relationships. In monogamy there is a push to find that one and only, a quest to find your person. Often I fear that the space that polyamory provides for each relationship to find its own form is lost in this milieu of monogamy.

And there I'm lost, because it is my tendency to hold onto everyone dear when in monogamy that isn't always a choice.

[gornwen]

Polyam Adulting: Laundry Night

One of the biggest differences I've discovered between having in-unit laundry and a shared laundry room (or even more so, using a laundromat) is that not having in-unit laundry means laundry night becomes a thing. When I can just do one or two loads whenever, I frequently am washing clothes, linens, towels... the washing machine is going a couple times a week. We need fewer clothes because they get washed quicker.

But now we are living in buildings with laundry rooms. That means we have to plan to travel down all those floors and pay money to use the washing machines and dryers in our building. We have to carry the laundry downstairs with us. We have to carry the laundry upstairs with us. It takes more work, more planning.

Ergo, we put in our calendar. Laundry with a laundry room (and even more so traveling to the laundromat) is an event and therefore is treated as such.

Now, since this an event based around doing a chore as a family, it means we plan it out like a family event. Sometimes we order pizza or cook together. Tonight we are trying the calzones from a pizza place nearby. We almost always have a TV series that we only watch together. And yes, there will be some very serious Mario Kart.

And by the end of the night laundry will be done. We will have tried a new restaurant. And I might finally win a race against Princess and Pants.

Treating big chores as big events and lining them with a little bit of goodness helps take at least some of the drudge off of them and well..

[gornwen]

V for Polyamory

My portion of my polycule is a V. Now, as is true with many polycules, the shape of our polycule blooms around different points and people. We all have different poly-saturation points, risk tolerances, and definitions of what makes a partner.

But for me, I'm in a V. I have my wife and my boyfriend. While I live with both of them, they do not live together. I keep two homes. I'm pretty poly-saturated at two partners so I'm not looking at seeing anyone new. I appreciate that the three of us work together to care for each other, as one does in a family. After all, this is my family.

By splitting my time between my wife and my boyfriend, both of them have time to do their own thing. While scheduling our lives requires communication and coordination, that isn't much different from anyone else in today's world where we have to be intentional with our time and who we spend it with.

I enjoy being a in V, I find that it gives me the space I crave while still providing the support I need. I know others find comfort in being in a triad and some find their homes in beautiful amorphous blobs. But for me, a V is just right.

[gornwen]

Polyamory can reveal where your needs are. Even though each relationship with your partners is just as unique as each of your partners, you find rhyming patterns between them.

Your partners might all help you keep track of your keys. Or maybe they all are people you can call in the middle of the night if things go sideways. Perhaps everyone is an amazing cook.

Or, if you are me, they will make sure you have coffee waiting for you when you get out of bed. No, I don't want to talk about the implications here of what type of morning person I am.

[gornwen]

Sometimes polyamorous activism looks like a conversation with HR about revising the "martial status" question to be one about "household structure."

[gornwen]

Controversial Opinion

Polyamory isn't inherently queer (meaning a person can be cis/allo/het and still be polyam), but practicing ethical polyamory (including being polyam in a monogamous relationship or no relationship at all) is a radical politcal act and part of the LGBT+ rights movement.