Hi! I found you cos I was searching for polyaroace content (to see if anyone even identified that way) and I was wondering if you could possibly explain that a bit? If not that's totally fine! But I'm very confused with my sexuality cos sometimes I feel aroace, other times just gay, other times poly and gay, and other times it's a big mix? It's weird, but if you could explain your feelings that would be awesome. (Once again, don't feel like you have to though love.)
oh sure no problem, i’d be happy to explain my experiences, but don’t expect any coherence lmao. the best way i can sum up the attraction that i feel is this: i wanna kiss a bunch of my friends, but not date or have sex with any of them.
to elaborate, i have an implausibly unlimited amount of love for everyone i meet, and i tend to have really strong affection for my friends (even ones i’m not super close with), which i express by being extremely touchy— i constantly hug, cuddle, and kiss the cheeks of my friends. anecdote: once one of my most tactile friends caught feelings for me and started to reel back how affectionate she was to me, and i didn’t want to lose that so i tried to date her but failed after one (1) day because the reality of being in a romantic relationship activated my fight-or-flight response. i strongly suspect that finding myself in a sexual situation would affect me similarly, so i identify as aroace for obvious reasons. (i do not by any means have any comprehension of what the hell romantic and sexual attraction actually are, and could not tell you to save my life if i do or have ever experienced them, but judging by my feelings of horror and apprehension i am for all practical intents and purposes entirely functionally aromantic and asexual. an additional layer to this is that the most romantic-crush-like feelings i have ever experienced were directed towards straight girls who i will never actually have to worry about returning my feelings.)
as for identifying with polyamory, i don’t do so in the conventional sense, but my extremely strong platonic and sensual (physical but not sexual) attraction makes my feelings towards my friends seem similar to what i have seen of monogamous romantic (and sexual) relationships, but without the romance or sex. the relatively large number of people towards whom my affection is directed makes me functionally similar to a non-aroace polyamorous person, but simply with different types of attraction.
i think in a perfect (or just... more normal, really) world, i would just be in a standard poly relationship. but i’m aroace, and none of my friends are really down for casual makeout sessions, and most of them are neither willing nor able to muster the outpouring of empathy that comes naturally to me in all my friendships and direct it my way. so i suppose i’ve no choice— i’ll just settle for this.
gosh, i hope you were expecting an essay, because this is the most condensed description i can give of all this nonsense. i’d love to know if any of what i’ve said makes sense to you, though!!!