Polyamoroaming: Polyamory Whilst Travelling
I think many people come to polyamory through travel. It’s hard, when you’re flying solo, to restrain yourself into a monogamous, long distance relationship, where one or both of you is having wonderful, eye-opening new experiences, seeing the world and all its beautiful people. It’s hard not to flirt with that sexy European backpacker in the bunk next to yours, hard not to join in with the tribes of young travellers going wild in local bars and getting laid. It’s hard to keep up regular correspondence with spotty wifi and no phone.
When I first left the country alone, for a year of travel, my last monogamous partner and I agreed six months beforehand that we would break up when I left, and we spent our final month travelling together in Europe. It was quite beautiful, and we are still very close friends now. He’s one of the most important people in my life.
After that, I started having brief, on-the-road relationships and flings, as well as my first one-night-stands (well, usually two- or three-night-stands...). Eventually I met a boy (G) who stayed in contact with me, and I him. We messaged and called whenever we had time, which admittedly wasn’t often, but at least once a month. This became my first ever polyamorous relationship, with all of the cockups and monogamy issues that often come with them. I fucked up and hurt him, he fucked up and angered me, and eventually two years later we went down in flames (it was quite dramatic and stupid and movielike, as he liked his life to be) and now we’re friends, online and in person.
I had several of these long-distance polyamoroaming relationships - the boy I hand-wrote a letter to every month, the boy I was almost willing to go monogamous for, the person with whom I share all of my dysphoria stories, the man who thought he was a king, the woman who believed him...
In truth, these relationships are the easiest I have ever had to sustain. They have also been the ones to end in the most silly, overdramatic ways. The lynchpin here is communication. When you have a very floaty, no-strings-attached relationship, particularly a long-distance one you don’t have a longer-term home with, it’s all too easy to let necessary communication points slide by the wayside. What were their boundaries? I never knew til I had crossed them, causing tears and hurt. What were mine? I made out with a boy on a night out with G and made him feel excluded and disposable. C fucked me when I got back before telling me he was now in a monogamy. A was so besotted with our mutual partner K that he forgot I existed.
That is not to say that one shouldn’t have relationships like these, by any means. This kind of relationship was the stumbling route towards more conscious polyamory and a very healed sense of self and sexuality for me. If I hadn’t fucked up on G, I wouldn’t be so careful now with my boundary discussions. If I hadn’t been cheated with C, I wouldn’t be so on it about meeting partners’ other partners before engaging sexually or romantically with them. If A hadn’t emotionally blanked me, I wouldn’t be so firmly able to know where I feel the acceptable line lies for attention and care.
Of course, when one is travelling with a partner, the dynamics shift. M and I found we largely didn’t encounter any attractions or potential interests, or at least we didn’t meet many mutual ones. However, those we did meet still taught us about how we could behave better towards both them and each other.
I met a beautiful man in a bar and told M I fancied him, upon which M quickly joined to my hip and was much more openly affectionate than he normally is, putting paid to the flirtation as the other guy quickly read it as ‘stay away’ signals. I spoke with M about this and it turned out he was showing me more affection to reassure me that he was ok with the attraction and he supported it. Another crossed-wire examined.
A mutual friend told M she found him attractive, he told me and I gave them some space, and they kissed before we never saw her again (not deliberately, I hasten to add!). Positive reaffirmation of giving each other space for other dalliances.
We spoke a lot about how to organise it should one of us want to go home with/bring home someone else, though it never came up. I think this may be a vital part of travelling as part of a polyamorous duo or trio - being aware of what and where things are feasible. As M and I were living in a tent a lot of the time, bringing someone back would not be possible without rejigging our tarp setup, and going home left the other in a potentially vulnerable situation. As a result, we worked out that if one of us went home with someone on those nights, we would both go and one would probably sleep on the couch or similar.
Solo polyamoroaming: don’t neglect communication with your travel partners, no matter how casual you feel the connection is when you aren’t together, or you may get an explosive surprise at some point. Many people who date polyamoroamers are monogamous and just looking for a regular fling. That’s fine, just reestablish your boundaries when you both meet again in person.
Duo or trio polyamoroaming: DON’T NEGLECT THE COMMUNICATION. Think about and talk about potential situations, from flirting to a full-blown fling. Where are you camping? Where are you sleeping? Are you safe? Are you allowed to sneak another person into that dorm or private room? How lax is the security at that hostel? (I once had no end of trouble with a security guard at my hostel - the other volunteers were allowed to bring their ‘conquests’ back, but as a female I was steadfastly banned).
Most of all, love each other, have fun and stay safe.
