| CW: anxiety, mentions of death
| characters: Killian, Caroline, Lance
| @flowersarefreetherapy
Killian
I walk through the door into our room. Caroline lays on the bed, reading a book. The small bump on her stomach is noticeable, and I can’t help but smile. I set the stack of papers down, and walk towards the edge of the bed.
“Killian!” She beams as she sits up. She pats the spot on the bed next to her, and I sit.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, concern filling me. It had been a hard night of illness.
“Better.” She smiles, taking my hands. Her dark curls fall perfectly down her shoulders. “Killian, I need to speak with you about something.” Her smile fell.
My smile vanished, anxiety filling me, “what is it?”
She sighs, “I’m afraid I’m going to say this wrong, so please forgive me if I say something I shouldn’t.” She squeezes my hands, her dark eyes meeting mine.
“What is it?” I ask again, frowning. A million thoughts race through my head.
She twists her mouth and after a moment speaks, “I know you don’t love me.”
“What?” I almost shout. I’m taken aback by her comment. “Of course I love you.”
“Agh!” She throws her hands up. “I knew I would mess this up!”
Confusion fills me, but I lean forward, “what do you mean?”
“Well, I know you don’t love me like Joseph loves Fern. Or Bentley loves Cara.”
My stomach drops. How does she know?
“But!” She quickly takes my hands, “that is alright!”
I stare at her, shocked at her happy tone, “Caroline… how did you find out?”
“Well,” she laughs. She always says the first word of the sentence then pauses. I wish she would just say it and ease my anxiety. “I’ve known for a while. Not before I got pregnant, but I found out a short time after.”
I dropped my face into my hands; this can’t be happening. I was supposed to give her a good life.
“Killian, look at me.” She grabbed my chin, forcing me to meet her eyes. “I still love you. And you’re still going to be a wonderful father. But… we don’t have to pretend to love each other like a married couple.”
“But we are married.” I feel tears building behind my eyes. “and I do love you.”
“I know.” She gently wipes a tear that escaped. “And I love you so dearly. Just… you deserve someone who can love you like you need to be loved.”
“How did you know for sure?” I took her hands in mine.
“Well, after I found out I was pregnant, I really started to wonder. You were acting strange. Then I had a walk with Fern and she talked about her and Rafael, and how they broke off their engagement. She said they were going in different directions. But diplomacy wise, they would be in proximity for the rest of their lives. Then I connected all the pieces.” Her words flowed out of her mouth in one breath. I opened my mouth but she kept going, “and when it came to intimacy, I thought you were just uninterested in it as a whole. Then of course we had to produce an heir so, well, you know.” Her cheeks flushed. “But after, then I understood why.”
“Oh Caroline, I am so sorry.” I rest my forehead against her hands. “Are you mad?”
“Of course not!” She laughs. “Not about this, at least.”
I look up at her, “are you mad about other things?”
She smacks my arm playfully, “I’m pregnant, of course I’m mad at my husband.”
I laugh with her. It feels good to be honest with her.
“So…?” I don’t know what to say.
“I love you, Killian.” She cups my face in her hands. “But I love you as a dear friend. And I believe you feel the same about me.”
I nod.
“Good!” She stands, and starts pacing. “So here’s what we’re going to do: we are going to have this baby, and in public act like we are married. In private, we will remain close friends and raise our child. But,” she stops in front of me, brushing hair out of my face. “You, my dear, will be free to be with whoever you want.”
“But I need to support you.”
“And you will,” she smiled softly. “Killian, many people think nobles go out in the city to be free. But you will be free within these walls.”
I feel tears again. She’s too pure for this world.
“You will live in freedom behind the castle walls.” She twirls around, looking around the room. “These walls have seen generations of people, think of how many secrets that is!” She grins at me. “What’s one more secret to add to them?”
I stand, pulling her close to me in a hug. “Caroline, you are one of the best things to ever happen to me.”
She pulls back, wiping my tears away. Her eyes gleam with moisture.
“You are a good man, Killian.” She smiles. “I am honored to bear your child.”
I wake up in a cold sweat. The bed is cold and empty. I push myself up, rubbing my eyes. I miss her. Every night when I close my eyes, memories play through my dreams. She was my best friend.
I walk over to where Lance is sleeping, and I pick him up from the cradle. I lay back in bed, setting him next to me. I look out the balcony window to see the first colors of dawn on the horizon.
I pull Lance close to me, his small body snuggling to my chest. I see her in him. In her son. Our son.
I hold him as I watch the sun rise. Another day with new opportunities. And another day to shower my son in love, and tell him stories of his brave mother.
I wish Rafael were here. Then it would be perfect. Maybe one day, I’ll keep the promise I made to Caroline as she died in my arms. She made me promise I would live to my fullest in every area of life. She really meant Rafael. She knew he was the only one besides her who could keep me going.
