#possible depression?

[pancakesnsyru]

Sometimes I wonder about what the world would look like if I just never existed.

[spazyfay]

Huh

I recorded myself confessing that I am not currently ok. Like mentally? Not ok. I keep hearing it over and over. And I think for now that is enough. I'm just not happy because of the fact my friends see me as either some person that doesn't care much, I should keep quiet about my own issues. I should talk to someone, but personally I just want to get out of this funk without worrying the people I care about. If it means going out, facing the sun, and seeing if I can make others smile then.. I think I can do it. If not I just want to smile and think just about the positives. I don't like how I get negative and not sleep. I don't like that I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I don't like thinking of possible futures when I can't get out of the "survive the day" mentality. I think I should seek therapy, but I don't have the cash for it. Ehhh I honestly don't know what to do.

[thedreadly]

It is an odd experience to realize that the reason some shows and movies that are basically innocuous and light for other people ring bittersweet is because they depict families that actually give a shit about each-other and function, even if they are broken, instead of everyone propping up their fantasies via co-dependance and denial.

I don't know why it matters to me, but I guess the sensation of being alone, even when I’m with other people is more of a learned habit than anything; and then I see something with people actually having transparent, normal interaction and I’m like, “Wow, I bet they don't feel like they are locked inside of their own seething sea of suppressed rage and resentment all the time, wouldn’t that be nice.“

And that is the story of how the cheeriest episodes of stupid children's cartoons occasionally make me feel hollow inside, hah... what fun.

[thedreadly]

Sometimes it is very difficult to figure whether i am angry, or just monumentaly bored. The symptoms are very similar.

Unfortunately, in these situations, there is no recourse, no avenue to pursue. There is nothing to vent, and nothing to alleviate the stress of unhappiness.

There is nothing wrong, but the feeling itself, and though there may be poignancy hidden within the irrelevance, I am hard pressed to find a means of expression that does not devolve into dissatisfaction and disinterest.

Who do you go to when the problem is not an effect but a cause?

[bummy14]

Looking for Help X

I really don’t know what was up with me today but wow I was just so tired.  I mean it’s the first time in a week that I slept really well (i mean I woke up in a pool of my drool gross I know) since the heat wave started and ugh you guys already know how annoying that was.

But yeah I was nodding off all day, and I crashed really hard on the trolley and during my nap when I got home. Managed to finish off my Comm outline pretty early, so all I need to do is send off to this plagarising site to make sure I didn’t plagarised - which I’m sure I cited everything. And then I have to start studying for Physics. I want to do well but the grading system is kinda heavy points for such little questions... it makes me sad but at least the lower test score gets dropped, but my average isn’t all that great ether. I’m hovering a B- and damn it that’s not good either. *sigh* The day after it’s Comm 245 midterm. And then *sigh* more stuff.  And I’m really craving tacos. But yeah no signs of visible hurtful stress on my body right now, so I guess that’s good. And oh yeah! My Physics TA <3 and my lab group thank you for making it awesome day! And thank you raindropwalker for your comments :) you make me smile everyday htank you for cheering me on my inner struggles!

[bummy14]

Looking for Help IX

So it wasn’t a vey good day, but it got better. So I got my exam results today...and I nearly wanted to cry because it  was a flat fucking 0. And so I complained...nicely to my professor and the TAs and lo FUCKING BEHOLD. MY TA FUCKING LOST MY TEST. And I already had problems with him during the day because he already lost my labs from last week and I was already unhappy with his compentency right now.  My proffesor literally told me you can kick him in the shins, but damn I was so tempted. Damn right! I wanted to! That test was stressful enough, I was present, he signed me in, and he had the audacity to lose my paper.  I mean yeah sure it happens, but seriously, you’ve been doing this for years, you would’ve thought that they would’ve had a system now to stop this from happening.  Okay fine. I’m over reacting, but it really pissed me off and it made me really sad. I thought my grade was fucked. And I was scared that I would have to t class, I want to gradaute early and I need this class to keep me on track. But my work meeting was better. I felt a little bit better. I managed to finish 3/4ths of my outline that I have to turn in Thursday morning. I just need to fix the sentences so I don’t get in trouble for plagarism (like that isn’t stressful enough). AND AHA IM STILL NOT DONE WITH EXAMS 6 MUTHERFUCKING WEEKS OF EXAMS JUSTASDFGHJKL: got my Comm 245 (Interpersonal Comm) and my Physics Exam (my averages are really low. B- low but technically D+ if it wasn’t for the curves...)  Just fuck. Aha... And my bro elsanna-fanboy is facing assholes over down at DCP and I can’t be there to protect him.  Just bleh.  Cheers to the most next stressful last two weeks before break. Again. -Okaami-chin

[bummy14]

Looking for Help VII

Actually doing a lot better this week, despite my looming exam this Saturday I actually feel a lot more prepared now. Focused on more examples than technically the concepts, but somehow everything started falling in place.  Geez Chemistry why must you be so stressful? I may hate it but something about it makes me come back everytime xD Must be my major and dreams. Things are looking up on my end, but you know one step at a time :)  Just you know trying not to psych myself out in the next 24 hours before my exam.  Hope everyone is doing great too!  Schools ending for Spring break in about 2 weeks, I’ll definitely spend some more time focusing on getting my emotional energy back and then starting again strong for the rest of my semester. -Okaami-chin

[bummy14]

Looking for Help VI

Feeling pretty good today! Except for the heat, that was pretty brutal. I'm pretty sure that my staff members and the kids got heat exhaustion today and that's pretty bad aha. But I got re-hydrated when I got home and I passed out on my couch to cool off. My boss felt proud of me today, and it's one of the best feelings ever. I feel like I'm rising as an employee and I feel like all my hardwork is paying off because he can see me improve. And I'm glad that what I told him about my issues didn't ruin his faith me in me. I'm really glad that I told him too. And I got a farmers tan :)  -Okaami-chin