Matt’s Top Ten Best Skeletons Of All Time
This asshole gets points for being in Super Mario games but loses points for reminding me of every turtle I’ve ever murdered. Thanks a lot, guys. I was having fun and you reminded me of the inevitability of death. Fuck off.
Best Skeleton Moment: Pacing back and forth in that first fortress, guarding(?) that place where the warp whistle is. This skeleton has a job and I respect that shit.
9) Flute Skeleton from Army of Darkness
This guy is going to town on some other skeleton’s thigh bone or whatever the fuck that thing is. I love that. Also Army of Darkness is full of skeletons just strapped to horses and running around and that’s hilarious.
Best Skeleton Moment: I think this guy is a famous meme now. Good for him.
8) Every Skeleton Mike Mignola Draws
These guys get grouped together because they’re all well-drawn and they rock. Sometimes they explode. Sometimes they just hide between panels and on shit.
Best Skeleton Moment: These are the dudes Hellboy’s been drinking with. This is almost as cool as that monkey with a gun. They lose points for not being that monkey. Losers.
7) Morte from Planescape: Torment
This fucker flies around, biting famous fantasy creatures. Also he has eyeballs which is rare and impressive for a skeleton. As is the power of flight, now that I think of it.
Best Skeleton Moment: He’s voiced by Yakko from Animaniacs! That guy has a podcast! And was two different ninja turtles.
Is this guy a skeleton? He’s in a comic called Bone. I guess that counts. God, it would be weird if he had a skeleton inside his little white body. That would freka me out.
Best Skeleton Moment: There’s a picture of Rock Jaw the big cat in the fifth book “Rock Jaw: Master of the Eastern Border” that I like a lot but I couldn’t find it. Ten points from Skeleton Gryffindor.
5) Annie in a Skeleton Costume from Community
I just like Annie from Community. That Death Playing A Guitar In The Background cut-out ain’t nothing to sneeze at.
Best Skeleton Moment: The paintball episode, the other paintball episode where it was a Western and any scene featuring Leonard.
4) Skull Man from Mega Man 4
This asshole lives in a bone house surrounded by bone robots and has a shield made of skulls that he throws at you like a jerk with bone access. What a fucker. Also he’ll point at you which is rude.
Best Skeleton Moment: Won an Oscar for his appearance in the 1994 Jack Nicholson film Wolf.
3) Manny Calavera from Grim Fandango
Smokes despite having lungs, has cool Noir adventures, drives a fast car called the Bone Wagon (heh) and threw other skeleton bones at Flaming Demon Beavers so his friend could cross a bridge. Which was also made of bones.
Best Skeleton Moment: Taking a little more bread to honor the dead.
One of the best characters in one of the best fantasy series of all time. (Please see my top best Discworld characters list which does not exist.) He likes cats, horses, and is friends with the Death of Rats. All of this is great.
Best Skeleton Moment: See above picture. That is cool as hell.
The skeleton so great he built himself a giant muscle-man body out of pure will. This dude got his entire head disolved by acid and he fucking OWNED it. He put a goat skull on a stick so that when you saw him, you would see TWO skulls. I have no explanation for his duck feet.
Best Skeleton Moment: Any time I personally do an impression of him.