Review | IE: Take Over
Judged by Dawn (animatix07)
Category: General
[ Author: Inazuma_Yoshi]
Title: 1/5: I am going to critic your title according to the following standards: (1) Word choice; and (2) Relevance to the focus of the story.
First, I want to assure you that there is no problem using a language in the title that differs with the language you used in the story. This is because there are words in a language that cannot be exactly translated in another and needs a phrase or a sentence to do so. And, also, your characters are Japanese, to be fair. However, Shiroi Ookami and Aliea Gakuen don't say much. Although at first, I find it that only the nouns are Japanese, which could be acceptable because they are proper nouns, but it just doesn't work. The amount of English and Japanese words is unbalanced, making it a little messy. Use only one language. It could be Japanese or English, but just one.
Second, I want to talk about the relation of the title to the story. The first point I want to make is the focus. A purpose of a title, although this definition is quite controversial, is to give a hint what the story is all about. Also, a title carries the underlying theme of the story, or sometimes a significant event. The only thing you need to remember in a title is that it should be heavy—it should carry a lot of meaning other than telling what happens in a story. In the case of your title, however, it does not say much. In fact, the revival of Aliea Gakuen is not even the focus of your story. The focus of your story is only a certain group of students in Aliea Gakuen, not the whole school itself, not even its revival (at least, that's how it looked like to me). You placed the noun Aliea Gakuen there, which is, in a sense, collective. Therefore you should include other things in Aliea Gakuen outside of your focus characters. Include the system, the society's acceptance towards the school, perhaps some problems that they only have little students because most parents are afraid of the school because of its history.
If that's not the focus you want, then consider changing the title altogether.
Aside from the fact that it doesn't say much, it also says about something which isn't even in the story—the Shiroi Ookami. The White Wolf. This particular detail never made its appearance until the story is almost done. There's no problem with that, but including it in the title gives it a sense of importance. The story didn't give it any. I understand that he may appear in a sequel, but if the Shiroi Ookami is not really important in this book, do not make it look like one. Because, I have to warn you, it cheats the readers. Remove it, if you must.
Summary: 3/10: First of all, I like how your summary is short and engaging. It tells readers who the characters are, the event connected to the conflict, and a hint of the said conflict in a thrilling, mysterious tone. It has potential. However, the biggest problem is this: the characters mentioned are not the main characters, the event is not a significant event, and the conflict is not the real conflict. In other words, the problem of your summary is its tendency to mislead. Your main characters are the Aliea Gakuen kids, mention them in your summary. By first mentioning Endou and the Inazuma Japan team, it gives the impression that the whole story will focus on them as the main characters. But they only appeared twice in two different chapters, both are at the beginning of the story. The rest did not leave its focus on the Aliea Gakuen and Ohisama En.
I do appreciate the connection of your title and the summary—you tried to make the revival of Alieal Gakuen mysterious. Unfortunately, the story isn't as mysterious as the summary. Remember, the central focus should the be content of the story—the title and the summary revolves around it. Again, know who the main characters are, give them significance in your summary. Know the main conflict (and it's not the revival of the Aliea Gakuen, I must say), give a hint of it in the summary.
Plot: 10/25: In this section, I would like to tackle six things: (1) Chapter 1; (2) Surprise Elements; (3) Consistency; (4) Grounding; (5) Details; and (6) the Shiroi Ookami.
The first chapter started with Endou and Inazuma Japan. It coincides with the summary, yet, just as mentioned before, they are not really the focus of the story. Although starting with characters who are not the protagonists are fine, as long as it proves significant in the latter part of the story. Chapter 1 (and the other chapter with Endou and the gang) did not really contribute to the story. In fact, you could start directly where the Aliea Gakuen kids accepted Hiroto back with them and their school and it will never affect the plot. And that's what I am suggesting to you—go directly to the important part. Start the story where it is already important, don't drag the story with unnecessary dramatization.
Moreover, I have to say that mysterious element of the Aliea Gakuen school came from an unrealistic cause. It is quite strange, unconvincing, that a coach would suggest a reward to tour around schools right after they landed in Japan. First, they should be tired after the championships. Second, their parents would most likely not allow it, especially because they just came back from overseas. Third, it sounds so forced, like you are willing to make things unnatural so the story would go your way. Fourth, why do the coaches have to hide it? Fifth, it's also forced in a way so that they could go back to Hakuren and reminisce and repeat what happened before. Yes, there's a twist, but that twist did not work either. And with that said, I will move on to the next subject—the surprise elements.
The twist I mentioned above refers to the appearance of the new Aliea Gakuen, trying to scare the characters and the readers then flip it at that instant as if to say, "hey we were just kidding." First, it did not work. Second, it's way too obvious. Third, it's another unnecessary dramatization. And fourth, at that point of the story, the conflict was still not introduced, and it was already the third chapter. In other words, the story is dragging. It has a lot of unnecessary dramatization and scenarios that can be emitted without affecting the whole plot. If you want to keep the readers engaged, write what matters and only what matters. Here, I would like to suggest cutting to the chase—start where Hiroto heard his old evil school is back on its feet, introduce the conflict right away.
The next part is consistency. And I have to say that your story lacks one. First is because there are times when you drop a certain detail then changes the next chapter, such as when you mentioned that Kenzaki also went in jail, then suddenly appears in a chapter. Was he also on parole, just as what happened to Seijirou? If so, it would help to clarify this detail. Again, if you are aiming for some mystery in the story, make sure that your details are consistent, and at least linked to one another.
Grounding is also one of the things lacking in your story, and I am looking at the powers your characters have. Where do these powers come from? Why do they have such powers and others don't? Perhaps you felt free adding this considering the hyperdimensional soccer they already have, but remember that hyperdimensional soccer is normal to them. Having powers outside soccer is not. Perhaps it has something to do with the experiments back in Aliea Gakuen days, but that's all your readers could do—make assumptions, and in the end they still can't be sure why there are powers in the first place. I don't think there were any hints about it in the beginning either that would convince us that such powers were possible. It wasn't enough for the suspension of disbelief.
Now, for the details...aside from their consistency, they are also a bit unconvincing. I'd still like to point out the powers the characters have. It just seems very unlikely that the Aliea Gakuen kids' powers emerged at the same time on the same day. It makes me feel like you are too impatient to reveal that they have powers and that when a chance to reveal one's power resulted in revealing the rest of the others'. Moreover, there were no explanations for such synchronization anywhere.
Also, there are other scenes in the story that seems forced that they became unconvincing. It seems that you are pushing your story a bit too much. There's a lot of room, yet you are not using the space to its full potential. Don't worry about making your story longer—if it needs to be that way, then it will be that way. Remember, you, as a writer, do not decide how long a story should be. The one that decides it is the story you choose to tell. And if you've chosen such complicated plotline, it needs a lot of room to be told effectively. Please reflect on this.
Lastly, the Shiroi Ookami. As I mentioned in the Title section, the hint of this White Wolf never appeared until Chapter 10. Your readers would've forgotten about it by then. And it doesn't sound too important—not for this book anyway. It could be in a sequel (and I think I remember you mention there is one), but not in this book. If it's that significant, mention it as early as possible, convince your readers that it is important, or remove it if it's not.
Characterization: 8/20: Before I start, take note that your characters are part of the factors that affected your plot. Hopefully, after reading this section, you can connect why your characters affect the plot and how it should work for you.
For this part, I want to talk about three things: (1) The number of characters; (2) Dialogue; and (3) Inconsistencies.
Let's go straight to the point; your characters are all flat. They all talk the same way, they act the same way, sometimes I think I'm listening to a single character with different faces. The dialogues themselves are so lacking that it wasn't doing its main job right—to characterize a character (I will elaborate on this later). One of the problems here lie on the fact that you have a lot of characters—you stuff them in one scene and made sure they all participate in it. It's not that it's a bad thing, but this kind of stunt is pretty hard to pull off. It makes your readers wonder—who are the main characters? It's difficult to say that it's the entire Aliea Gakuen kids because not all of them have the appropriate screen time to be considered "main characters". I believe your number of characters made it difficult for you to focus on one or two characters to completely dwell on. As a matter of fact, the story won't have any problem with only one main character and have the rest be supporting ones. Don't be afraid to do that—it won't violate the collective sense of Aliea Gakuen.
Moreover, there are problems concerning some of your individual characters. There's that little detail about Midorikawa being the new captain of the new school soccer team, and it was pretty realistic that it pressured him considering that some of the members were from teams that were stronger than him in the past. I like that. But it lacks buildup, meaning that, in one scene, the pressure just came without any warning. The pressure should start from the beginning as a small concern for Midorikawa. Then the more things came to be, the more he realizes that he's going to lead a team with members who're stronger than him before. Build it up gradually, slowly, until a certain point that it would almost break him. The scene is just a suggestion, but it was an example of the buildup I'm talking about.
Takeshi also has a little problem, and I think it's fine to make him as a representative for the rest of the OCs you've used in the story. His first problem is that he came out of nowhere. Aside from the fact that he is Hitomiko's uncle and Seijirou's brother, who is this character? What kind of person is he? What is his background? You did not even give him any distinctions for me to remember what he looks like. Because he is an OC, it's your responsibility to make this character stand out as the rest of your "borrowed" characters, as I'd like to call it. He may not be a character from the series, but that does not make him less important. Remember, all the characters you involve in the story must have their importance for being there.
Now, the flatness and the lack of characterization of your characters also have to do with your dialogue. It's difficult to say whether your characterization affected your dialogue or if it's the other way around, but because dialogue characterizes a character, it has its role. First, like I mentioned above, the dialogue failed to do its job—characterize a character. Every person talks differently, and that is one of the things that differs one character from another. Second, one of the reasons it failed is because many times in the story the dialogues sounded so forced and unnatural. If you're not sure, try reading your story out loud. Third, please don't involve dialogues that need not be there. If it does not contribute to its role—to characterize, to give information, to move the story forward—then you don't have to include them.
The inconsistencies are just the details I want to point out. Inconsistencies in characterization will ruin characterization as a whole. With that being said, Endou and Midorikawa do not use the honorifics "-kun" in referring to their friends. Honorifics are one of the characterization techniques used by the Japanese, that's why it gives us the sense that Fubuki and Hiroto are the kind types of people that use -kun referring to others. Endou and Midorikawa, however, are not that kind of people, so it seems off hearing the "-kun" from them. Also, in Chapter 1, it's very unlikely for Furukabu to get them lost. Shouldn't he know where to go since they've already been in Hakuren before? Be careful in small details like this.
I'd like to mention one thing here (because I think this should be included here rather than in the plot). Kenzaki's motive for controlling over the school is vague, if not completely unknown. If this motive is not laid out clearly, there will be problems in the way Kenzaki will act, and thus also affects your plot. Taking revenge seems pretty shallow as well, considering that he just got out of jail and that he seems to have involved other people with him. Has he got nothing to lose, if that's the case? Please, make it clear.
Despite everything, I'd like to praise you on the dialogue in Chapter 1 between Endou and Kazemaru. That was one of the most accurate characterizations I found in your story. That really caught my eye, and I think you should base your dialogues there—see how Endou and Kazemaru interact and analyze what made Endou's dialogue so Endou-like and Kazemaru's so Kazemaru-like. I also like the part where you described Rococo as African. That, itself, is character.
Grammar and Writing Style: 9/15: Your chosen critique specifics are all under this rubric, and I have to say that this is where you excel the most.
You have simple sentences. And I could see it's really part of you. There's nothing bad about that, however, it seems that you are forcing yourself to use higher prose, meaning that some descriptions are quite exaggerated, some are unfittingly (I tried not to say 'wrongly') metaphor-ed. Don't feel bad about simple sentences. Some great writers write like that, and as long as they are consistent with the simplicity, their stories are going to be fine. So is yours. If you're trying for something new, practice. But keep it consistent. Sometimes you're trying higher registers, sometimes it's simple. Don't force yourself. Simplicity is also beauty, you know.
Your imagery, I have to say, is quite underdeveloped. It affects your setting a lot. Most of the time, I don't know where your characters are. I have to read out of context to know where you put them. Learn how to ground your characters so your readers could be there as well. Imagery is one of the things that could engage your readers. Setting, most of the time, is what makes your readers think they are inside the story; because they know what the place looks like. However, don't overdo the descriptions. Some writers can pull off very detailed imagery in one short paragraph, and it is encouraged to keep it short and concise—as short as possible. I'm not saying your descriptions are long nor they are short. Only, it's inconsistent. At one point you describe something in detail then describe things vaguely the next. Both can cause unnecessary info-dump and vague imagery. Be careful.
Transitions are a bit of a problem as well. You switch from one scene to another without any signals. If you want to keep it simple, you can just skip a line; space is enough for your readers to know the scene changed.
Next, avoid commentaries. In a narration, especially in third person omniscient point of view, the narrator—the author—is the one telling the story. It is the point of view where, most of the time, there are tendencies of commentaries. What I mean about this is the side comments from the narrator inside a narration, which is not a good thing because it brings too much attention to an author outside the story. The only thing readers should pay attention to is everything inside the fictional world. Even if a narrator's voice is there, you have to hide behind the glowing glory of your story. There is the tendency of getting detached, therefore it ruins the engagement of the readers.
You use too much passive voice. What are passive voices? There are the sentences that go like: "He was bitten by a snake;" "She was grabbed by the wrist." Avoid this; instead, do it like this: "The snake bit him;" "He grabbed her by the wrist." The purpose of this is also reader engagement. Passive voices give less sense of action and less sense of present time, meaning that "He is bitten by a snake" tells more of the past than "The snake bites him". However, I'm not saying to always use active voice. Balance is the key. The more you practice the more you'll know when to use them.
Lastly, fix your dialogue tags. The saying "said is dead" is a myth. Editors complain about the over-beautified dialogue tags such as "he asked," "she murmured," "he grumbled," "she exclaimed." Do not overdo it. Said is not dead, and most of the time your readers will not notice them. It is more appropriate to use said if your character did say something. When your character exclaimed, let the exclamation point tell the readers he's exclaiming—don't use "exclaim". It's redundant.
You still have a lot of room to improve in your writing style, but I still like the simplicity of it. Make use of that, it could be your own style. You don't have many problems with grammar, just a bit of typos here and there. But I believe you know your grammar, and the more you write the more it becomes natural to you. Keep writing.
Originality: 4/10: To tell you the truth, there's not much originality in it. Powers, the plotline, the spying, anyone had seen them before, even in Inazuma Eleven fanfictions. I should tell you that the lack of originality is also because of the lack of details. The powers, mostly, needs more grounding, especially because their powers are random except for those characters with obvious elements like Nagumo and Suzuno as fire and ice.
You also used the same "car accident" scheme here. Although it turned out to be a set-up, we've also already seen that in the series. The whole story did not provide an explanation, and Hitomiko's explanation is pretty vague as well. As long as you don't have anything original to explain that, this story will just be like anything else.
However, it does catch my attention the fact that Nagumo was the first to master his power first. You are good with those small interesting details, including Rococo being an African, and I think you should work yourself from there.
Feels Factor: 6/15: This rubric is affected by the rest of the rubric. The surprises did not work, some elements are pretty obvious. And the way the character personalities are forced make them unbelievable, so we do not really "feel" anything with these factors ruining the reading flow. It did not surprise me when Aliea Gakuen revealed that they are not evil. It did not thrill me what was going to happen next. At some point, it's quite predictable. I did not feel what I should have felt in certain scenes. I have to deduct a lot, nine points, for this.
[Raw] 41/100 [Final] 41%