A writing contest for the Inazuma Eleven fanfiction Community! Season 3 currently on the works Credits: icon by Broken Shield IV// Background by EM0EMI
The Lightning Awards 2019 Interview: Tieg2001 Winner of Love Is In The Air Category with "Spectral Illusion"
Hello! My name is Amy and on behalf of The Lightning Awards: congratulations on your win in the Love Is In The Air Category! How do you feel about your win?
Hai hai, thanks for having me Amy! Truth be told, I was baffled when I was notified I had won the LIITA category, like; Spectral Illusion did feel like one of the better fanfic one-shots I've written in a long, long time, but I had never expected it to rival the works of other contestants. All in all; I was s h a k i n g ~.
Understandably so! It was well deserved too - Spectral Illusion truly is a wonderful story. Was there a specific inspiration or motivation behind writing the plot?
To be fair, Spectral Illusion's plot is the result of watching a documentary centred around paranoia, which, paired with my "current" interest in mental decline during my SI-writing days, flowed into the beginnings of its plot; namely, slowly dragging Matsukaze Tenma through a series of mental endeavours - which he unconsciously tried to block out, unknowingly waging a war with the traumatic event that had occurred.
I am curious, I find Matsukaze Tenma to be an interesting choice to write about mental decline. Any specific reasons why you chose him and did you ever consider a different character as well?
Ah, while a vast array of different characters, combinations, either from the original series or the GO seasons would have worked marvellously- none would be as fitting a character as Tenma. His optimistic, happy-go-lucky attitude makes for the perfect material since the effects of Spectral Illusion's tragic events slowly start to sink in along the way, leading to some noticeable changes. >:) #RipTenma,ButImmaSadist.
It really was a clever choice of character - to see such a bubbly character written in a way that portrays the hidden cracks of darkness from him was absolutely refreshing to read. Especially with your characterisation of Tenma and Tsurugi - how do you get your characterisation well done? Any tips and tricks for fellow writers out there?
Personally, I'm thoroughly convinced that a lot of current fanfic writers, well, y'know, try to write Tenma and Tsurugi's characters as they want them to be, primarily for story/ship purposes. However, I'm strongly opposed to this type of characterisation, as this, in the long-run of the story will lead to either character giving off this seemingly "unnatural" air. While Tenma's character is a far cry from Tsurugi's more complex-to-write persona (due to the initial distant Tsundere-turns-good-friend attitude), both their personalities should be respected if one wishes to properly utilise these characters for their fanfics. I remember, I read their entire wiki page a couple of time, rewatched some dialogue scenes to analyse their speaking patterns/habits.
All in all, know what you're working with, if you don't have a solid grasp on your source material, the product won't be dazzling. After all, in a similar fashion to a building requiring a strong foundation, so do stories, and these come in the form of well-executed characters.
I agree wholeheartedly with you. Out of curiosity, what was your favorite part of the entire story? Perhaps a specific section that you enjoyed writing overall?
My, my, there were various snippets of the one-shot that I loved writing - even if they were soul-crushing to the characters. One part, in particular, the moment Tenma is, technically speaking, home-alone at Aki's manor. At first glance, it seems perfectly normal for Tsurugi not to be thirsty and thus refusing to get a drink- though, after reaching the end; Tenma opening the door for Tsurugi, turning down the glass of water, etcetera gets a deeper, more ominous second meaning. It's a devious twist.
Then, of course, we have the graveyard scene, mwhahaha. My inner sadist truly enjoyed writing that part; from the moment the realisation of recent events finally caught up with Tenma to the immediate breakdown. While the tragedy was not over the top, I felt as though it needed time for everything to dawn on Tenma; which inevitably postponed his breakdown to offscreen SI.
Alrighty! Thank you so much for letting me interview you! One last question, is there anything you'd like to say for the Inazuma Eleven writing community?
Truth be told, ever since I discontinued my fanfiction works and began focusing primarily on new works, I have lost taps on the Inazuma Eleven writing community as a whole, however, if there is anything that I could say is to never let doubt obstruct your development, one is often too harsh of a critic when it comes to their own work- so, accept your work's imperfections because these imperfections are what make your works stand out from the crowd. :> Also, sorry not sorry for leaving x.
Title (5/5): "Louder Than Thunder" evokes a powerful mood. While the phrase is not referenced in the book*, I like to think that it alludes to how Yoru and Fubuki's relationship overcomes their individual conflicts--it being figuratively louder than thunder, which Fubuki has a phobia of due to his traumatic past. Yay for unique chapter titles! They always add a little extra something to my reading experience.
Summary (8/10): Establishing the reader's first impression of an original character as someone who is not normal is a risky move because many original characters who are pushed by the narrative as "not like others" are unpleasant and/or overpowered. Yoru does not come off as pretentious in his introduction in the summary, but I wanted to mention this point because it did worry me when I first started reading the book. Your summary does its job because it clearly addresses the main topic of the work: a healing romance between Fubuki and Yoru. But while it is adequate, the structure, language, and exposition do not pull me in. Note that semicolons should connect two complete clauses; "more together than they had been before" is an incomplete clause because it cannot stand on its own as a proper sentence. The previous sentence is an example of how the semicolon should be used. While incomplete clauses may be presented as sentences in literature, punctuation still follows proper grammar conventions.
Plot (25/25) -> [20/20]: Most entries I receive are incomplete books (this one included) but it was so satisfying to finally read a complete narrative arc. It's clear that you use the existing canon as a template which help make the plot one of the strongest points of the book, but this does not discredit the admirable time you have spent working on the story's impressive development. Subplots, specifically Fubuki's, Yoru's, and their influence on one another are interwoven delicately with the main plot. I was excited when Yoru reunited with Oumihara. The pacing feels dragged out sometimes and makes me antsy but the climax and resolution in particular are well done. I will elaborate on the issue of pacing in the following sections.
Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: I appreciate how you take care to discuss the observable and chronic effects of Yoru's injury. Most of the characterization is executed through dialogue and actions, a prime instance being the subtle expression of Okinawa's coach's guilt in chapter twenty-two. Watanabe came across too much as a caricature in my opinion, but Yoru's response to being triggered by Watanabe was compelling enough to dismiss the holes in the audience's understanding of their conflict. Dialogue is natural but often excessive; picking and choosing dialogue will discourage your audience from skimming. I noted a lack of physical descriptions beside Fubuki's, which felt inconsistent to me as a reader given Yoru's good eyes. The audience will be able to visualize the characters better if you took the same detailed approach to other characters within the novel. The maturity difference that was portrayed between Shiro and Atsuya is great, and I also like how the narrative made peace with Fubuki's identity in the end.
Grammar and Writing Style (15/15): Your grammar is impeccable, probably the best I've seen among the entries that have been submitted to me throughout all three seasons. The one grammatical point that I can comment on is your habit of ending dialogue that continues in the following paragraph with an apostrophe rather than no quotation mark, but I'm not sure if this is a regional rule like the Oxford comma. The entire story is written in third person limited from Yoru's perspective with a good balance between being plot-driven and character-driven. I noticed a high frequency of adverbs in the beginning but this gets better after the first few chapters. Rather than adopting literary devices with the exception of symbolism for Yoru and Fubuki's trauma, your style relies on describing action. Although aspects of your writing style negatively impacted your Characterization and Personality score, the writing style itself is not an issue. There is a lot of dialogue but the speaker is always clear even with infrequent dialogue tags, so good job on that. Your style of portraying conversations models side and background commentary well. Some scenes feel unnecessary and/or drawn out, but they do contribute to the atmosphere, so I'm still not sure how I feel about them (they relate to the aforementioned antsy feeling).
Originality (7/10) -> [3.5/5]: The soft worldbuilding of incorporating "magic" into canon is pretty cool. Rather than infodumping at the start, the exposition of Yoru's original power only happens at chapter seventeen when the audience that has grown sufficiently curious. I also commend you on the comfortable setup of that chapter. While the story's overall originality is fine, there are many scenes that resemble canon too much. Again, I highly recommend only including what is necessary and consequential. It's even better to prioritize original scenes like the ones of your subplots.
Feels Factor (13/15): The general tone of the story shifts from fluffy to desperate around chapters seventeen to nineteen. The story will feel more engaging (countering those antsy feelings, which are the primary reasons for the deductions in this category) if you changed moods more frequently. I noticed that I enjoyed chapters most when they present dramatic mood changes (Ch. 19, Ch. 22, Ch. 23, Ch.31-33). Actually there are quite a few good scenes, just too much fluff dialogue, which I already addressed under Characterization. Chapter thirty-one and thirty-two had great momentum and the gentle wind down in chapter thirty-three was a fitting conclusion to the narrative arc. Congratulations on earning the highest story score this season!
🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [➊➋.➒/➊➎]
Name (5/5): I'm a sucker for alliterative names, and Yukimura Yoru is no exception. The kanji characters of his name are realistic and thematically appropriate. His epithet, the Northern Star, is also befitting of his role and team motifs.
Appearance (3/8): It's unfortunate that this category has to tank your OC score because I actually adore Yoru's design. Although heterochromia is a common red flag, Yoru is prime example that having different colored eyes is not a definite indicator of garish design. His dark hair balances out his distinguishing gold and blue eyes to draw attention to his extraordinary visual abilities. Giving him a tie to differentiate him from the players is also a neat touch. The problem is that I had to find out almost all of this through supplemental artwork. I checked all the chapters on the reading list thoroughly and double checked both the prologue and chapter one, but only found two references: "a top almost identical to the school uniforms, dark blue sweatpants, and a dark blue tie" (Prologue) and "the corner of his gold eye" (Ch. 14). It's important to establish an image of Yoru in the audience's mind early in the story. The score deduction in this category is also representative of the appropriate deductions for the lack of physical descriptions in this book in general as addressed in Characterization.
Personality (9/10): For the most part, Yoru is a consistent character. His values are evident and your portrayal showcases the varying depths of his characterization through scenes that range from fluffy to dramatic. However, his exposition is dependent on his interactions with other characters except when it is related to his injury. There were a couple instances when Yoru's actions confused me, such as keeping silent about Someoka's hurt leg and seeking out Watanabe, so a little more introspection might help clarify his behavior.
Strengths and Weaknesses (12/12): Yoru's crippled leg is his obvious weakness but he doesn't let that stop him from contributing to matches in other ways. However, his injury is acknowledged as a part of his identity: his insecurities of being left and desire to get stronger clashes with his physical limitations. His supernatural abilities is his obvious strength, but again, it does not define him. His powers are further balanced by harmful side effects that also create internal conflict, as he must decide whether to continue activating his magic and risk going blind. His deteriorating eyesight is well written. My favorite line is, "Yoru winced, glaring at nothing as Gazel's voice echoed over the field" (Ch. 25).
Interaction with Canon (10/10): Since this book is explicitly presented as a romance in the summary, I am more lenient in scoring this category because I know that you are only using the canon plot as a plot device to further the main relationship. Yoru's role on the Caravan is justified with his visual and intellectual talents even though he does not significantly alter the Caravan's dynamics. The only instance when his inclusion seemed redundant was when he and Kidou came to the same conclusion about Chaos' weakness.
Relationships with Canon Characters (4/5): Yoru's cousin Hyouga is so much cuter as a toddler than a SEED in GO! The portrayal of Shiro and Atsuya's synergy degrading is gripping, notably the fracturing in chapter nineteen. I love how Yoru is determined to make Atsuya see Shiro's importance. His relationships with the brothers grow slowly but surely throughout the story. I wish we got to see unique relationships develop between Yoru and other canon characters beside Fubuki, Hitomiko, and somewhat Someoka. Endou and Domon are missed opportunities in my opinion since Yoru confronts Endou and Domon compares Yoru to Ichinose. This is most likely my final TLA critique, and I'm quite satisfied going out with this review. Thank you for being patient with me as well.
*Additional Notes: This review is based on selective chapters recommended by the author to represent the contents of the book up to chapter thirty-three. The scores are not a comprehensive reflection of the entire book or every chapter up to chapter thirty-three.
Title (4/5): "Beyond The Dream" gives a bit too much about the true nature of the story in my opinion, but I still find it to be a good name. It's straight to the idea of the story. The use of the phrase "beyond the dream" and other phrases using the word "dream" make the title seem revealing, but it does show the connection between the title and the work.
Summary (7/10): I am a fan of the events you've put into your summary. You tell just what to expect, and you don't shy away from giving the overall plot. I think the main attracting point is the wild stuff you've explained, that distinguishes itself from other fanfictions. Your summary even says it "an unpredictable storyline". Reading the details makes one try to guess how you'll be twisting IE to your fantasy adventure.
The first paragraph is full of really long, awkward sentences, though the second one is more manageable. There are also some odd phrases which detract a bit— "only key for all the chaos", "which has just saved", and "mess the track of life time". I get the general idea of what you're trying to say, though.
You state the stakes right at the get-go. This isn't some innocent quest, it's one to save Daisuke and obtain a powerful artifact to break the curse. The last paragraph puts further emphasis on the severity of the situation, and gives clues on how they are supposed to solve the problem.
Overall, your summary tells us that this is a high-stakes, time-saving quest that shouldn't be taken lightly and full of revelations. This promise is fulfilled with your story later on.Try to cut up your sentences a bit more. Compound sentences are good but sentence variety is better. Capitalise 'vision'.
Plot (20/25): The goal was simple. To get the Chrono Stone and use it to stop whatever was happening. The twists and turns you added made things complicated, but the overall goal of Endou was the same. The Chrono Stones.
There are many events that I found to be notable. One of them is when the true nature of our MCs are revealed, which did answer some of the strangeness of the story. Another is the emergence of Saru, who opened up a whole new avenue that showed the extent of the projects. There were a lot of good ideas, but they were lost to me because of how thick the story is.
While I enjoyed the liberties that you have taken, I feel like the plot relied heavily on Endou. This didn't affect the points as much, since the setting of the story justifies it. The number of revelations you had shows that you definitely put a lot of effort into the mystery, it just had problems with pacing, as you feed exposition upon exposition and put a twist too quick (One particular person swapped allegiances in the space of two chapters).
One thing though, you've got a lot of plot going on. Despite the problems, there's so much meat that I wish you took a bit more time to flesh out, so they could be more impactful. What was originally a hunt for the Chrono Stone really got deep quick, and though the pacing might need to be tweaked, I have no complaints about the depth that you went for.
Characterisation (10/20): You have a huge cast of characters. From the beginning, you had an entire team of eleven, that only increased. With every chapter, a new character was introduced—either as an ally who joins, a new enemy, or some clone. A lot of the characters had a premise and idea, with some basic character traits. But the huge cast and short focus on any of them reduces them to side characters that seem one note.
On one hand, I understand that some of them are just figments of the imagination brought to life. However, they also appear a lot and seem important. You haven't touched on them enough. This could be fixed with having some of the characters become important in some way, but as it stands, many of them just look like they are there to fill in a football team. There's a lot to the characters, it just wasn't translated into the writing very well.
Endou's personality is at least clear. He's very determined and can have a temper. Though his mood swings a bit too quick. Like that battle against The Lagoon.
A lot of your characters pretty much only share superficial traits and Hissatsus with their canon counterparts. So I think that's also something that makes it difficult to go through your work. But Yuuichi, Endou, and Atsuya are some individuals that I found interesting.
Grammar and Writing Style (10/15): Good points first. You've got decent technical ability. I like the effort put into making the sentences. I don't find too many punctuation errors. I think you could polish up your grammar a bit more, but I think there are more recurring problems to talk over.
You frequently use a sentence, end it with a comma, then connect it to dialogue. Even if the sentence has already started, your characters are speaking in full sentences. So you have to capitalise. Something like this.
He grabbed her hand, "Don't do this!"
Your wording can be awkward at times, like "Passed through the thick sealed door", which should be "Past the thick, sealed door". "A distance whisper" should be "A distant whisper". There are also times when you lack capitalisation, though most of them are related to your errors with dialogue. Originality (9/10): I don't think I need to say much here. Your story was basically an original one with several references to IE. While I think that might be a bit strange to people expecting Inazuma Eleven, you've already established in your summary that it would be something wildly different. And wildly different it is. You used many characters in ways that make sense, though different— Yuuichi as a Guardian, Daisuke as a father to Endou, and the Dub Versions as evil counterparts. It's personally hard to understand because they're so different, but they are original.
Feels Factor (8/15): I could feel for certain characters, but most of them were just 'there'. Many of the characters didn't do enough or stay long enough for me to build an attachment to them, besides the fact that they had the names of familiar characters. But of course, let's talk about those that I connected with.
Yuuichi serves a bit too much like a trump card at times, but throughout the story, we see glimpses of his connections with the other characters. But most important is his connection to Tsurugi, which we get a flashback of. I think that with better execution, it could have been an equally tragic story to his Go counterpart. But it's good here too.Endou has the world on his shoulders, and was constantly bombarded with truths that destroyed his perceptions. Again, while I think it could have been developed more, you at least made me think about how he must feel as the revelations drop like bombs.
Title (2/5): The title of your book is rather simple, but I fail to see its correlation with the plot. Especially since the summary doesn't exactly give both direct or indirect clues regarding the plot relates to a 'Weapon'. I also fail to see what part of the story refers to 'The Comeback', considering that this is the first book where the whole plot is being introduced from this point. When I first stumbled upon your book, 'The Comeback' gave me the idea that there has been a great story previous to this book and this is a continuation of sorts. This initial confusion leads me to suggest that naming a book 'The Comeback' might me bore suitable for a sequel rather than the first of a trilogy.
Summary (5/10): First, I will assess your use of language within the summary. There are noticeable mistakes in punctuation, especially in the use of commas. You have the habit of adding commas before the word 'and' in sentences that are not listing objects or have the need to link two independent clauses together. The sentence 'Jane Wolf is a student at Royal Academy, and was never like the other girls at her school' is as example for an unnecessary use of a comma before 'and'. This can easily be a single sentence without the comma and would sound better and have a more clear meaning. 'David, and Joe' can simply be 'David and Joe'. There are other multiple unnecessary usage of commas that I suggest you take another look at and review the punctuation mistakes. Aside punctuation mistakes, there are a few inconsistencies of past and present tenses. The mistakes are very few to the point that it could go unnoticed by average readers, however it is always good to have a consistent use of tense when writing to avoid confusion.
There is also a lack of variety in sentences – most of your sentences are very long when it could be broken down into separate sentences. This is also mostly due to the excessive use of commas within your sentences. I do think that having long sentences does create a certain professional feel to it which a lot of writers tends to want to put into their summary, but in this case, a variety of sentences would actually be able to create more intrigue for readers. Shorter sentences can be used to create a sense of mystery and suspense which can help build a sense of curiosity for your readers.
The last assessment will be the content of your summary. Your summary follows a nice structure of the intro-body-outro of the entirety of your plot. I think your plot has been nicely explained in your summary without spoiling too much of it. I don't have much to say about the content of your summary, honestly. Overall, it's very important for the summary to be well written because it is what gives the readers the first impression of your story. A summary with good content but poorly written in terms of structure can discourage readers from viewing your story.
Plot (10/25): I will be honest with you – your plot doesn't strike me as intriguing. When I read your summary beforehand, I was slightly interested with how the story will occur, but upon reading the next few chapters I was slightly disappointed. There were certain parts in many chapters that were quite predictable – such as Xavier's sudden attraction to Jane which contradicts his purpose of watching her and Jane's defeat when she was playing for Royal Academy – which made the story less interesting in terms of building the feeling of anticipation of what comes next for the readers.
I wasn't able to quite grasp the core plot of the story being Jane and her relation to soccer because of the multiple romantic aspects that were consistently evident in almost every single chapter. I do understand that romance is a big part of your story, but I have to say diving into more and more chapters made me lose touch with what really is going on. The romance was pushed in quite early into the story with no in-depth conflicts before it. It seemed too sudden for me to read how Gazel, Torch and Xavier instantly took a liking to her so early on into the story. I personally felt that you had emphasized more towards the romance rather than other external conflicts which made the story less engrossing, because a good romance must be built upon several other external conflicts for it to make sense.
Characterization (7/20): Jane Wolf is a good character in theory (when based on the book's summary) but the written portrayal of her character was not as good as I expected. Throughout reading the chapters, Jane felt a little bland. She is written as the typical general female protagonist – the general kindness and beauty that attracts many guys to her – similar to a Mary Sue. She doesn't seem to have a strong conviction as she claims to be, as shown in how she is said to reject being in teams due to her obsession over perfecting her soccer skills yet joins a team the second she is invited. Her obsession over her soccer skills wasn't clearly shown in the story despite being mentioned in the summary.
Also, seeing that Gazel and Torch are one of the most written about characters in the story, I noticed how their characters were not portrayed as much except for their rivalry in both soccer and their love for Jane. The way these two characters were written seems to me as if their characterization was made to support the protagonist's story by changing their original personality into something slightly foreign.
Grammar and Writing Style (6/15): As an author, it is very important to pay careful attention to grammar and writing style. Any story plot can become something amazing and worth reading, but without the ability to present it well though words, readers wouldn't be able to understand the story entirely. I have noticed that you have the tendency to pile a lot of sentences into a long paragraphs rather than breaking them apart into small paragraphs that will help ease the reading process. Dialogues are combined into one paragraph that makes it difficult to separate the context of the dialogue with the occurring scene. It is highly recommended for dialogues to be separated using a new line or new paragraph so it can identify the different speakers. If multiple dialogues are being performed by one speaker, then it is alright to make it into a single, long paragraph.
One grammatical error that you have consistently made throughout the whole book is the use of your and you're. This is a mistake often made by many authors, native and non-native English speakers, but it is important to note its difference because each word holds a significant meaning. You tend to use your to say you are, instead of using you're. Do keep in mind that the word your is used to show possession of an object by someone (for instance, your cake, meaning you own the cake), while you're is simply short for you are (for instance, you're welcome or you're beautiful). Aside this certain grammatical error, please take care with your spellings. I have spotted many misspellings in many chapters such as the word 'whole' written as 'hole', and 'venom' as 'venim'. These misspellings disrupts the flow of the story and may confuse readers, as some words when misspelled can mean a whole different thing and may change the context of a sentence.
My next point will be your writing style. In your writing, you still tend to 'tell' rather than 'show'. A good author must be able to maintain a good amount of 'telling' a story as well as 'showing' a story. Both are different in terms of how it is presented in one's writing style, but too much of one can lead a story into becoming too confusing to understand or too predictable and lacking intrigue. I suggest you improve on your ability to show what is happening rather than telling it as it can help improve your story to make it seem more interesting and captivating for readers. This can be done by describing certain places and scenes using various adjectives and verbs to explain the vibe or what is happening, rather than explicitly stating where they are. Using a first person narrative is good to present the story in a more personal way, however too much shifts in POVs can become excessive to the point that it becomes confusing to keep up with and distracting since a single occurrence will be shown in various different ways. All comments aside, I do admire and appreciate the hard work and effort you have put into completing this story! You are full of ideas, and I encourage you to continue writing and thus develop and improve your style.
Originality (5/10): This concept has often been used in many of this fandom's fanfictions – where the main female protagonist is sort of ostracized by a majority of people of her school due to her love for soccer save for her best friends. The idea of being in a love triangle with the rivalling characters is also a famous trope amongst many stories, so I can't say that your story plot is original. However, I do like the idea of her obsession with perfecting herself before joining a soccer team which is unlike many that I've read. That specific part is rather refreshing to read.
Feels Factor (5/15): Due to the writing style of your story, unfortunately it became difficult for me to immerse myself with the flow of the story and empathize with the plot. There were certain parts of the story that managed to gain my interest for short moments. I believe that you can further improve your storytelling ability with more practice and care, so do keep up the hard work!
🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [ ➐.➎/➊➎]
Name (5/5): Jane Wolf is a simple and memorable name that isn’t repeated by the canon character’s dub name while still sounding plausible as a name of an Inazuma Eleven character.
Appearance (5/8): There’s not much description of Jane’s appearance throughout the story, so it is quite difficult to imagine how she looks. It leads me to believe that her uniqueness comes from her personality rather than her looks, which is far more interesting than having a special physical feature.
Personality (5/10): As I said in my review of the overall book, Jane World strikes me as a good character in theory. But reading further into each chapter, Jane reveals herself as quite the fickle character, often her actions seemingly contradicting with what she claims to be. Although this may be due to a lack of descriptive characterization of Jane throughout the story. For example, her being a perfectionist and obsession over soccer skills is something she claims to be but isn’t highlighted in her thoughts, speech and action, seemingly easily persuaded to act otherwise by other characters. Jane would need to express more conviction she claims to have and avoid the risk of becoming a Mary-Sue. But she does display determination in honing her soccer skills, translated in her confidence in determining what her goals are.
Strength and Weaknesses (7/12): Jane’s strength and weakness lies in her being emotionally-driven. She fuels herself on her frustration and pride as a soccer player to drive her will to win, but she is easily swayed into romance upon meeting Gazel and Torch. I find it odd how friendly but distanced she can be with other characters but upon first meeting, is on the way to being head over heels for Gazel and Torch. Although she has a strong drive and commitment to improve and reach her goal, it is not often portrayed in the story. I do hope you portray more of her strong side in regards to soccer, highlighting her need for perfection and stubbornness to win.
Interaction with Canon (6/10): The book follows several canon events, inclusive of Jane’s presence as well. Admittedly, I had slight trouble recognizing whether an event in the book matched a specific arc in the anime plot. Jane’s role in the plot doesn’t hinder the canon flow of the story, merely inserting herself as one of the driving forces of the plot, although there were certain parts where the overlap was confusing and unclear for me to follow along and determine whether it had changed the canon plot or not.
Relationships with Canon Characters (3/5): While Jane interacts with many canon characters, her relationships are the most prominent with Gazel, Torch and Xavier. Their dynamic reflects that of the typical love square, in which Jane becomes additional fuel to Gazel and Torch’s rivalry, with the addition of Xavier which adds further tension between the three boys, while she herself struggles to choose one of them. Each of the boys’ interaction with Jane often changes their entire behaviour to one that works in Jane’s favor and leads Jane to lose her sense of conviction when it comes to them. The story then loses track of its focus on Jane’s self-discovery in soccer and becomes a Mary-Sue romance story. They all become dependent on each other in their interaction. I would like to see more of Jane in a way that develops her character by herself through soccer asides the drama of romance, so keep up the writing!
Title (5/5): Titles comprised of a single, fanciful word like "Evanescence" are to be employed with caution--and you certainly do. It's meaning quickly becomes clear and of relevance to the themes of the story as the book progresses. I appreciate how you stick strongly to the word you have chosen to represent your novel. Additional props for the carefully chosen chapter titles.
Summary (10/10): I'll elaborate more on your tone and pacing later, but for now, I'm going to say simply that your summary does its job spectacularly at drawing the reader in. As soon as I read the first four lines, I knew I would like your summary because it follows an hourglass structure. The hourglass structure opens with something unspecific--"A mysterious grey-haired stranger who knows him."--and cuts to the core--"The Kurogane family." The hourglass then broadens once again at the end when you address, "But just like ash blown into the wind, what one believes can evanesce as soon as the truth comes to blow it away, and the remnants may not be as pleasant as one hopes it would be." What I think you can improve is to clarify a little more of the mystery. I do not mean that you should necessarily include spoilers, and rest assured that your summary does not read as confusing, but a better balance of mystery and exposition may be easier for a new reader to consume.
Plot (21/25) -> [16.8/20]: In all honesty, I really enjoy reading Evanescence. Although the initial similarity to Glass Coffin concerned me (which I noticed was mentioned by a commenter as well), it is so interesting to see how a very different character would fare in the same situation. The differences quickly multiply, especially the circumstances that put them in the hospital in the first place, and I found myself eager to follow Suabara around some more. I always enjoy a good character-driven story. Unfortunately, I am only able to access the plot of the contents published thus far, which have not developed the full range of tones to constitute a proper narrative arc. I will cover a little more of the plot in Originality.
Characterization (17/20) -> [12.75/15]: I appreciate how this story has a fully fleshed-out cast of original characters beside the canon characters. The diversity in age, from young, naive Shun to old, wise Shimozuru helps distinguish your original characters from each other conceptually. Age diversity is something that writers often forget, yet makes a huge difference in creating contrast and variation. You rely on actions for characterization, which is an indicator of sophisticated writing. However, the speaking patterns of your characters could use a little more differentiation through the consideration of ticks, vocabulary level, jargon, and the presence or lack of filler words. I believe you can still improve your cast by adding more dynamic characters, since it seems that everyone beside Suabara at the moment is a static characer. I do acknowledge that this interpretation may simply be because there are no significantly developed character arcs yet due to the current state of the work, like with Plot.
Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Fast-faced sentences carry the plot forward and the occasional technical mistakes do not detract from my reading experience. I felt like there was too much past perfect tense in the beginning, but it was nice to see the flow of your writing improve subtly throughout the chapters as your distinct style begins to solidify. Although "telling" (versus "showing") may be acceptable in first person point of view (cited example: "I was confused and depressed beyond what I felt before"), be careful not to fall back on this tactic too often, as it can give the impression of lazy writing. Instead, you can try tackling these emotions by narrating Suabara's thoughts instead. Good job "showing" when its Suabara observing another person's behavior rather than describing himself which I also addressed in Characterization. Sometimes the way you describe character appearances can be a bit awkward (cited examples: my blonde hair would already have string-like strands peeking out like old couch springs; bearer of a pair of emerald irises) but they are not overwhelming so I overlooked them.
Originality (8/10) -> [4/5]: Although Evanescence follows the original timeline, detailed insight into canon such as Kageyama Tougo's fall incorporated expertly within the narrative through the clever use of Shimozuru Kakashi, Haruna's cameo through Kanata's perspective, and an allusion to how Kariya was orphaned in GO keep the story feeling fresh. The choice you made to gloss over certain plot points also helps disguise the repetitive nature of the sections that align too similarly to canon. Your original antagonists, the Hunters, sound interesting. I can see the unique plot budding, but the score would probably be higher if I saw more of it.
Feels Factor (15/15): You demonstrate great control over words by preserving reading engagement in even the simplest scenes. The imagery you create with language is just saturated with suspense. These smooth transitions allow for a dynamic composition that builds upon it's own voice to produce strong mood. It is ironic that I almost like the regular scenes more than climactic ones because they are so well done, and just as dramatic. But only almost. The execution of the crucial scenes must be commended for their effective immersion.
🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [➊➍.➍/➊➎]
Name (5/5): Kurogane Suabara is a unique name that allows readers to remember him easily and distinctly. Although I'm not aware of any common kanji combinations that form Suabara, the phonetics are probable in Japanese with rarer characters, which are not uncommon for names especially given his heritage.
Appearance (8/8): At a glance, Suabara's appearance is basic. However, you make it unique by relating to his personality. What comes to mind when I picture him is his nonconformist hair and dark, brooding eyes.
Personality (9/10): The fact that Suabara has an inner voice is quite interesting, and not cringy at all, compared to the abundance of less well-executed examples in the fanfiction community. There's a likeable quality about his voice and mannerism, which imparts a quirky genuinity. Suabara's personality is notably consistent for someone with holes in his memories. I think his character could be woven more intricately into the narrative if you emphasize the psychological effects of his traumatic circumstances more, like you do with his physical development.
Strengths and Weaknesses (11/12): Although Suabara's internal struggles are substantial, I believe his flaws and assets can be emphasized more. The reader's visualization of Suabara will be more vivid if a wider spectrum of depth is represented. Real people have material fears in addition to deep-rooted insecurities, and useless talents on top of core virtues. Since the bulk of this novel has been through Suabara's own perspective, perhaps consider how others in his life value him, and how these views are reflected in their actions toward him. His current strengths are introduced naturally with constancy, such as his attentiveness to body language due to his brother's condition. Your attention to detail in regards to Suabara and his perspective is the strongest point of this work. Refer to the end of Grammar and Writing Style.
Interaction with Canon (10/10): As of what is currently revealed, Suabara does not appear to interfere with canon establishments in any sort of disruptive manner. Evanescence is one of those stories that is heavily immersed in canonical world-building and mood. The themes of this book are slightly more mature, which is to be expected, but they do not contradict the canon discourse which contributes to a seamless reading experience--until the dark surprise you've planted in chapter twelve (but don't worry, it jarred me in a good way). I'm looking forward to discovering how his character arc will overlap with the canon plotline.
Relationships with Canon Characters (5/5): Suabara's most interesting relationship with a canon character is his relationship with Kira Hiroto, who you have taken creative liberties with but preserved his essence (in Ares, as far as my limited Ares knowledge goes). Despite little impactful interaction with the canon cast so far and the exception of Kira, I'm confident that you have prepared some tricks up your sleeves. Sorry that this review was so delayed, but I hope the thoroughness makes up for it!
Title (5/5): “Spectral Illusion” itself sounds very elegant and mysterious, which is able to intrigue the readers towards the story. The title acts as a foreshadow towards the plot within the story, and it’s a clever way of hooking readers into reading to find out how the story relates with the title without giving away the major plot.
Summary (6/10): I admire how you used the poetic metaphor of a flower to describe a relationship. You made “love” itself sound very mystical and ethereal without sugarcoating the concept which people tend to do when they try to describe love using metaphors. The summary itself sounds very intriguing and attractive. I docked a point because, despite the very well-written Shakespearean-like summary, it seems slightly over the top for a simple one-shot. A summary like yours would be more suitable for a multi-chapter story with a complex plot. Not much grammar error except for the use of the word “relation” since it doesn’t quite make sense when put together in the last sentence. Perhaps the word “relationship” was what you were going for. The sentence “however, just like any other flower is supposed to perish,” is a little unclear with the word “supposed to.” Perhaps it could be changed into “however, just flowers are destined to perish.” Some parts of your poetic metaphor seems a bit unclear after a second read of your summary. Now, the use of Gaia - a fantastic use of Greek mythology, I personally enjoyed this - might not be familiar to the rest of the audience and may cause confusion. It seems a bit over the top to say love descends over the realm of “angels and mortals”, considering no angels were discussed of in the story, making it slightly irrelevant.
>Title (5/5): I’m a sucker for Greek and Latin words, and Katharos is a word I find to be on the beautiful side of the Greek language. The title itself gives much of the work immediately, the chosen word obviously being a reference to Kiyoshi’s emphasis on purity. Ergo, readers know what to expect the story to revolve around. However, I like the charm that it has to it, a lingering sense of mystique that persists.
>Summary (7/10): It’s short and sweet, and manages to summarise what Katharos is. I am just docking a few points because I feel that you could have added a bit more to give a better picture of the story and hook readers. I also wouldn’t really call Kiyoshi an ‘average student’ of Teikoku, since he seems to be more of an outcast if he gets flack for being a “foreigner”.
>Plot (22/25) -> [17.6/20]: The overall plot is straightforward, and there aren’t any twists and turns that make it complex. It might not be an intriguing stand-alone story, but since the book is a spin-off that is supposed to highlight the character and philosophy of Kiyoshi, I’m lenient regarding that matter.
Title: 1/5: I am going to critic your title according to the following standards: (1) Word choice; and (2) Relevance to the focus of the story.
First, I want to assure you that there is no problem using a language in the title that differs with the language you used in the story. This is because there are words in a language that cannot be exactly translated in another and needs a phrase or a sentence to do so. And, also, your characters are Japanese, to be fair. However, Shiroi Ookami and Aliea Gakuen don't say much. Although at first, I find it that only the nouns are Japanese, which could be acceptable because they are proper nouns, but it just doesn't work. The amount of English and Japanese words is unbalanced, making it a little messy. Use only one language. It could be Japanese or English, but just one.
Second, I want to talk about the relation of the title to the story. The first point I want to make is the focus. A purpose of a title, although this definition is quite controversial, is to give a hint what the story is all about. Also, a title carries the underlying theme of the story, or sometimes a significant event. The only thing you need to remember in a title is that it should be heavy—it should carry a lot of meaning other than telling what happens in a story. In the case of your title, however, it does not say much. In fact, the revival of Aliea Gakuen is not even the focus of your story. The focus of your story is only a certain group of students in Aliea Gakuen, not the whole school itself, not even its revival (at least, that's how it looked like to me). You placed the noun Aliea Gakuen there, which is, in a sense, collective. Therefore you should include other things in Aliea Gakuen outside of your focus characters. Include the system, the society's acceptance towards the school, perhaps some problems that they only have little students because most parents are afraid of the school because of its history.
If that's not the focus you want, then consider changing the title altogether.
Aside from the fact that it doesn't say much, it also says about something which isn't even in the story—the Shiroi Ookami. The White Wolf. This particular detail never made its appearance until the story is almost done. There's no problem with that, but including it in the title gives it a sense of importance. The story didn't give it any. I understand that he may appear in a sequel, but if the Shiroi Ookami is not really important in this book, do not make it look like one. Because, I have to warn you, it cheats the readers. Remove it, if you must.
Summary: 3/10: First of all, I like how your summary is short and engaging. It tells readers who the characters are, the event connected to the conflict, and a hint of the said conflict in a thrilling, mysterious tone. It has potential. However, the biggest problem is this: the characters mentioned are not the main characters, the event is not a significant event, and the conflict is not the real conflict. In other words, the problem of your summary is its tendency to mislead. Your main characters are the Aliea Gakuen kids, mention them in your summary. By first mentioning Endou and the Inazuma Japan team, it gives the impression that the whole story will focus on them as the main characters. But they only appeared twice in two different chapters, both are at the beginning of the story. The rest did not leave its focus on the Aliea Gakuen and Ohisama En.
I do appreciate the connection of your title and the summary—you tried to make the revival of Alieal Gakuen mysterious. Unfortunately, the story isn't as mysterious as the summary. Remember, the central focus should the be content of the story—the title and the summary revolves around it. Again, know who the main characters are, give them significance in your summary. Know the main conflict (and it's not the revival of the Aliea Gakuen, I must say), give a hint of it in the summary.
Plot: 10/25: In this section, I would like to tackle six things: (1) Chapter 1; (2) Surprise Elements; (3) Consistency; (4) Grounding; (5) Details; and (6) the Shiroi Ookami.
The first chapter started with Endou and Inazuma Japan. It coincides with the summary, yet, just as mentioned before, they are not really the focus of the story. Although starting with characters who are not the protagonists are fine, as long as it proves significant in the latter part of the story. Chapter 1 (and the other chapter with Endou and the gang) did not really contribute to the story. In fact, you could start directly where the Aliea Gakuen kids accepted Hiroto back with them and their school and it will never affect the plot. And that's what I am suggesting to you—go directly to the important part. Start the story where it is already important, don't drag the story with unnecessary dramatization.
Moreover, I have to say that mysterious element of the Aliea Gakuen school came from an unrealistic cause. It is quite strange, unconvincing, that a coach would suggest a reward to tour around schools right after they landed in Japan. First, they should be tired after the championships. Second, their parents would most likely not allow it, especially because they just came back from overseas. Third, it sounds so forced, like you are willing to make things unnatural so the story would go your way. Fourth, why do the coaches have to hide it? Fifth, it's also forced in a way so that they could go back to Hakuren and reminisce and repeat what happened before. Yes, there's a twist, but that twist did not work either. And with that said, I will move on to the next subject—the surprise elements.
The twist I mentioned above refers to the appearance of the new Aliea Gakuen, trying to scare the characters and the readers then flip it at that instant as if to say, "hey we were just kidding." First, it did not work. Second, it's way too obvious. Third, it's another unnecessary dramatization. And fourth, at that point of the story, the conflict was still not introduced, and it was already the third chapter. In other words, the story is dragging. It has a lot of unnecessary dramatization and scenarios that can be emitted without affecting the whole plot. If you want to keep the readers engaged, write what matters and only what matters. Here, I would like to suggest cutting to the chase—start where Hiroto heard his old evil school is back on its feet, introduce the conflict right away.
The next part is consistency. And I have to say that your story lacks one. First is because there are times when you drop a certain detail then changes the next chapter, such as when you mentioned that Kenzaki also went in jail, then suddenly appears in a chapter. Was he also on parole, just as what happened to Seijirou? If so, it would help to clarify this detail. Again, if you are aiming for some mystery in the story, make sure that your details are consistent, and at least linked to one another.
Grounding is also one of the things lacking in your story, and I am looking at the powers your characters have. Where do these powers come from? Why do they have such powers and others don't? Perhaps you felt free adding this considering the hyperdimensional soccer they already have, but remember that hyperdimensional soccer is normal to them. Having powers outside soccer is not. Perhaps it has something to do with the experiments back in Aliea Gakuen days, but that's all your readers could do—make assumptions, and in the end they still can't be sure why there are powers in the first place. I don't think there were any hints about it in the beginning either that would convince us that such powers were possible. It wasn't enough for the suspension of disbelief.
Now, for the details...aside from their consistency, they are also a bit unconvincing. I'd still like to point out the powers the characters have. It just seems very unlikely that the Aliea Gakuen kids' powers emerged at the same time on the same day. It makes me feel like you are too impatient to reveal that they have powers and that when a chance to reveal one's power resulted in revealing the rest of the others'. Moreover, there were no explanations for such synchronization anywhere.
Also, there are other scenes in the story that seems forced that they became unconvincing. It seems that you are pushing your story a bit too much. There's a lot of room, yet you are not using the space to its full potential. Don't worry about making your story longer—if it needs to be that way, then it will be that way. Remember, you, as a writer, do not decide how long a story should be. The one that decides it is the story you choose to tell. And if you've chosen such complicated plotline, it needs a lot of room to be told effectively. Please reflect on this.
Lastly, the Shiroi Ookami. As I mentioned in the Title section, the hint of this White Wolf never appeared until Chapter 10. Your readers would've forgotten about it by then. And it doesn't sound too important—not for this book anyway. It could be in a sequel (and I think I remember you mention there is one), but not in this book. If it's that significant, mention it as early as possible, convince your readers that it is important, or remove it if it's not.
Characterization: 8/20: Before I start, take note that your characters are part of the factors that affected your plot. Hopefully, after reading this section, you can connect why your characters affect the plot and how it should work for you.
For this part, I want to talk about three things: (1) The number of characters; (2) Dialogue; and (3) Inconsistencies.
Let's go straight to the point; your characters are all flat. They all talk the same way, they act the same way, sometimes I think I'm listening to a single character with different faces. The dialogues themselves are so lacking that it wasn't doing its main job right—to characterize a character (I will elaborate on this later). One of the problems here lie on the fact that you have a lot of characters—you stuff them in one scene and made sure they all participate in it. It's not that it's a bad thing, but this kind of stunt is pretty hard to pull off. It makes your readers wonder—who are the main characters? It's difficult to say that it's the entire Aliea Gakuen kids because not all of them have the appropriate screen time to be considered "main characters". I believe your number of characters made it difficult for you to focus on one or two characters to completely dwell on. As a matter of fact, the story won't have any problem with only one main character and have the rest be supporting ones. Don't be afraid to do that—it won't violate the collective sense of Aliea Gakuen.
Moreover, there are problems concerning some of your individual characters. There's that little detail about Midorikawa being the new captain of the new school soccer team, and it was pretty realistic that it pressured him considering that some of the members were from teams that were stronger than him in the past. I like that. But it lacks buildup, meaning that, in one scene, the pressure just came without any warning. The pressure should start from the beginning as a small concern for Midorikawa. Then the more things came to be, the more he realizes that he's going to lead a team with members who're stronger than him before. Build it up gradually, slowly, until a certain point that it would almost break him. The scene is just a suggestion, but it was an example of the buildup I'm talking about.
Takeshi also has a little problem, and I think it's fine to make him as a representative for the rest of the OCs you've used in the story. His first problem is that he came out of nowhere. Aside from the fact that he is Hitomiko's uncle and Seijirou's brother, who is this character? What kind of person is he? What is his background? You did not even give him any distinctions for me to remember what he looks like. Because he is an OC, it's your responsibility to make this character stand out as the rest of your "borrowed" characters, as I'd like to call it. He may not be a character from the series, but that does not make him less important. Remember, all the characters you involve in the story must have their importance for being there.
Now, the flatness and the lack of characterization of your characters also have to do with your dialogue. It's difficult to say whether your characterization affected your dialogue or if it's the other way around, but because dialogue characterizes a character, it has its role. First, like I mentioned above, the dialogue failed to do its job—characterize a character. Every person talks differently, and that is one of the things that differs one character from another. Second, one of the reasons it failed is because many times in the story the dialogues sounded so forced and unnatural. If you're not sure, try reading your story out loud. Third, please don't involve dialogues that need not be there. If it does not contribute to its role—to characterize, to give information, to move the story forward—then you don't have to include them.
The inconsistencies are just the details I want to point out. Inconsistencies in characterization will ruin characterization as a whole. With that being said, Endou and Midorikawa do not use the honorifics "-kun" in referring to their friends. Honorifics are one of the characterization techniques used by the Japanese, that's why it gives us the sense that Fubuki and Hiroto are the kind types of people that use -kun referring to others. Endou and Midorikawa, however, are not that kind of people, so it seems off hearing the "-kun" from them. Also, in Chapter 1, it's very unlikely for Furukabu to get them lost. Shouldn't he know where to go since they've already been in Hakuren before? Be careful in small details like this.
I'd like to mention one thing here (because I think this should be included here rather than in the plot). Kenzaki's motive for controlling over the school is vague, if not completely unknown. If this motive is not laid out clearly, there will be problems in the way Kenzaki will act, and thus also affects your plot. Taking revenge seems pretty shallow as well, considering that he just got out of jail and that he seems to have involved other people with him. Has he got nothing to lose, if that's the case? Please, make it clear.
Despite everything, I'd like to praise you on the dialogue in Chapter 1 between Endou and Kazemaru. That was one of the most accurate characterizations I found in your story. That really caught my eye, and I think you should base your dialogues there—see how Endou and Kazemaru interact and analyze what made Endou's dialogue so Endou-like and Kazemaru's so Kazemaru-like. I also like the part where you described Rococo as African. That, itself, is character.
Grammar and Writing Style: 9/15: Your chosen critique specifics are all under this rubric, and I have to say that this is where you excel the most.
You have simple sentences. And I could see it's really part of you. There's nothing bad about that, however, it seems that you are forcing yourself to use higher prose, meaning that some descriptions are quite exaggerated, some are unfittingly (I tried not to say 'wrongly') metaphor-ed. Don't feel bad about simple sentences. Some great writers write like that, and as long as they are consistent with the simplicity, their stories are going to be fine. So is yours. If you're trying for something new, practice. But keep it consistent. Sometimes you're trying higher registers, sometimes it's simple. Don't force yourself. Simplicity is also beauty, you know.
Your imagery, I have to say, is quite underdeveloped. It affects your setting a lot. Most of the time, I don't know where your characters are. I have to read out of context to know where you put them. Learn how to ground your characters so your readers could be there as well. Imagery is one of the things that could engage your readers. Setting, most of the time, is what makes your readers think they are inside the story; because they know what the place looks like. However, don't overdo the descriptions. Some writers can pull off very detailed imagery in one short paragraph, and it is encouraged to keep it short and concise—as short as possible. I'm not saying your descriptions are long nor they are short. Only, it's inconsistent. At one point you describe something in detail then describe things vaguely the next. Both can cause unnecessary info-dump and vague imagery. Be careful.
Transitions are a bit of a problem as well. You switch from one scene to another without any signals. If you want to keep it simple, you can just skip a line; space is enough for your readers to know the scene changed.
Next, avoid commentaries. In a narration, especially in third person omniscient point of view, the narrator—the author—is the one telling the story. It is the point of view where, most of the time, there are tendencies of commentaries. What I mean about this is the side comments from the narrator inside a narration, which is not a good thing because it brings too much attention to an author outside the story. The only thing readers should pay attention to is everything inside the fictional world. Even if a narrator's voice is there, you have to hide behind the glowing glory of your story. There is the tendency of getting detached, therefore it ruins the engagement of the readers.
You use too much passive voice. What are passive voices? There are the sentences that go like: "He was bitten by a snake;" "She was grabbed by the wrist." Avoid this; instead, do it like this: "The snake bit him;" "He grabbed her by the wrist." The purpose of this is also reader engagement. Passive voices give less sense of action and less sense of present time, meaning that "He is bitten by a snake" tells more of the past than "The snake bites him". However, I'm not saying to always use active voice. Balance is the key. The more you practice the more you'll know when to use them.
Lastly, fix your dialogue tags. The saying "said is dead" is a myth. Editors complain about the over-beautified dialogue tags such as "he asked," "she murmured," "he grumbled," "she exclaimed." Do not overdo it. Said is not dead, and most of the time your readers will not notice them. It is more appropriate to use said if your character did say something. When your character exclaimed, let the exclamation point tell the readers he's exclaiming—don't use "exclaim". It's redundant.
You still have a lot of room to improve in your writing style, but I still like the simplicity of it. Make use of that, it could be your own style. You don't have many problems with grammar, just a bit of typos here and there. But I believe you know your grammar, and the more you write the more it becomes natural to you. Keep writing.
Originality: 4/10: To tell you the truth, there's not much originality in it. Powers, the plotline, the spying, anyone had seen them before, even in Inazuma Eleven fanfictions. I should tell you that the lack of originality is also because of the lack of details. The powers, mostly, needs more grounding, especially because their powers are random except for those characters with obvious elements like Nagumo and Suzuno as fire and ice.
You also used the same "car accident" scheme here. Although it turned out to be a set-up, we've also already seen that in the series. The whole story did not provide an explanation, and Hitomiko's explanation is pretty vague as well. As long as you don't have anything original to explain that, this story will just be like anything else.
However, it does catch my attention the fact that Nagumo was the first to master his power first. You are good with those small interesting details, including Rococo being an African, and I think you should work yourself from there.
Feels Factor: 6/15: This rubric is affected by the rest of the rubric. The surprises did not work, some elements are pretty obvious. And the way the character personalities are forced make them unbelievable, so we do not really "feel" anything with these factors ruining the reading flow. It did not surprise me when Aliea Gakuen revealed that they are not evil. It did not thrill me what was going to happen next. At some point, it's quite predictable. I did not feel what I should have felt in certain scenes. I have to deduct a lot, nine points, for this.
Title (3/5): "Bet on IT!" is a well-fitting title to the plot and summary. It's a clever way to attract intrigue from readers by capitalizing "IT" - despite not being a fan of capitalized titles, this works in your favor as it highlights the significance of the bet as the main plot of your story. I deducted a few points because I felt like the title was rather simplistic when it could have been developed more to sound interesting without explicitly referring to the bet to add a sense of mystery to it.
Summary (7/10): Your summary has a generous amount of the general plot described without spoiling too much despite being made of only 3 sentences, which is impressive, given that you were able to deliver a decent overview of the plot that does build reader's curiosity. The use of a question is an excellent addition to invoke further intrigue towards your story. However, I felt that it could have been developed more creatively, possibly using metaphors or the like to spice the summary up.
Plot (21/25): The concept of "love blossoming from a bet" is no stranger in fanfiction. It all comes down to the effort placed to make it unique as its own. Your plot was simple and well-written, with a steady amount of pacing and events that weren't too far apart within a single one-shot, however the plot could be further developed into a longer story to explore more in-depth characterization and scenes. An odd event in the plot that I found peculiar was how quick the table turned when after Atsuya offered Ohiyoko the umbrella to the scene where Ohiyoko's brother is rushed to the hospital. This scene in particular seemed very rushed, when such a change in behavior and emotions could be portrayed throughout a longer period of time in the story. A personal favorite of mine is the ending of the story. While many fics with the same plot concept would leave the bet unfinished, having Ohiyoko take no offense to being betted on and instead used it in her favour towards Atsuya is brilliant.
Characterization (20/20): I will begin to comment on Fubuki Atsuya's characterization. I really enjoyed how you presented Atsuya's character. He is the perfect amount of mischievous and confident that is still entertaining to read - many fics tend to exaggerate his confidence to the point he is painted as a jerk, but yours was just enough to keep Atsuya loveable to readers. I believe Atsuya to have a very dynamic character and you managed to write him as such. Ohiyoko's characterization was well-presented as well. Her seriousness and strictness was fun to read in contrast to Atsuya's cheekiness, and her playful mannerism nearing the end was enough to keep her character likeable without suddenly being invested in Atsuya for no reason. The interactions between both characters were very entertaining to read and never once boring!
Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): You have excellent grammar that is consistent and well-presented with the plot which makes it really easy to read. Not much for me to comment on this section, however, there are a few minor mistakes that can be quickly fixed, such as "in compare" should be "in comparison," and "too considered" should be "too considerate." Overall, your writing style is simple yet capable of good delivery of the plot.
Originality (6/10): In terms of originality, the idea of romance blooming from what was initially a bet is a cliché trope found throughout many fics across many fandoms. There have been many interpretations of the trope and it takes lots of creativity to be able to take the concept and make it unique on their own. The originality points I have given you are to appreciate your excellent attempt to take this trope and apply it to Inazuma Eleven, especially with a feisty character like Fubuki Atsuya. Despite having the typical trope of having the male bet on getting the female character to fall for him, I especially would like to applaud you for creating a surprising end to your story! Instead of making the second character angry or spiteful knowing that they were the subject of a bet, you made them aware of it beforehand and instead jump into the bandwagon of "making a bet". I find this part of your story very intriguing and fun to read, knowing that their rivalry will not die down by a blooming romance which really adds more energy to their dynamic.
Title (3/5): I rather like the title – simple, yet it helps foreshadow a few things within the story. The symbolism behind the flower matches the context to which it is used in the plot. However, it may be difficult for other readers to understand the title's relation to the plot considering that the 'red spider lily' mentioned is written by its Japanese name in the story as higanbana. Not all readers would be able to connect the two and understand the meaning of the flower and how it relates to the story's plot without research.
Plot (21/25): Despite the rather cliché plot of unreciprocated love, you have added your own twist to it that makes the story seem much deeper and meaningful than what meets the eye. On the surface, it seems that it is only Sakuma who holds strong feelings of love and affection to Kidou, which he hides in fear of not being reciprocated. It looks simple until you read into it, and you can see the subtle suggestion of Fudou’s internal conflict with his own feelings. The suggestion is pushed further when readers see through Sakuma’s point-of-view of Fudou’s odd reactions, which plants the seed of curiosity as to why exactly is Fudou acting that way. As you’ve also mentioned in your ending note, despite its main plot leaning more towards the Kidou and Sakuma pairing, certain scenes from the middle to the end of the plot suggests that there is a possibility that this is a story revolving around Fudou and Sakuma or even all three of them! I find it absolutely fascinating that this one-shot can be interpreted in different ways.
Another point I would like to note that I find absolutely amazing is how this shows a more gentle side to unrequited love, portraying not only the sadness but also the acceptance and optimism Sakuma has for his feelings for Kidou as it can be seen in the ending conclusion. Too often we see unrequited love stories painted in a dim light, painful sadness and loneliness powerful enough to eventually break the person inside out. I do understand that most readers do take find pleasure and reading such 'angsty' forms of unrequited love stories. However, this plot doesn't go down that path and instead portrays a good balance of sadness and happiness in one short one-shot. It's refreshing to see that with the Red Spider Lily, Sakuma approaches his unrequited love with acceptance and finding joy in Kidou's happiness without any means of treating his feelings like it's the end of his world. And I think it's important to have stories like these where the protagonist finds the strength and courage to love without being loved in return by and for himself rather than moving on to someone new. I docked a few points because I personally felt that this plot would work better with a few more chapters added to it, as having it only as a one-shot seems a bit too constricting for a plot that can be developed even further.
Characterization (17/20): As the main protagonist of this story, Sakuma was characterized quite alright. I have to admit, it's not quite the best characterization I've read, but it fits the plot fine, considering that this is supposedly his characterization when faces with unrequited love. Sakuma's flow of thought matched him well, but his personality felt a bit bland and generic in terms of dialogue. Then again, the story is showcasing Sakuma's internal conflict so the dialogues aren't exactly the main focus, so the description of the action and thought helps cover for the entirety of Sakuma's characterization. Fudou's characterization was something I liked. His mischievousness was quite on point, and the sudden shyness that appeared within the story. I can easily picture Fudou's behavior and words which just shows how well suited he was with how you have written his character.
Grammar and Writing Style (15/15): Your grammar is excellent as always! With the use of simple vocabulary and a variety of sentence structures, this one-shot is easily readable and enjoyable. One of the key points I look for when judging this category is the consistency of tenses, and I'm glad to see that your past tenses are consistent and properly used. Although some stories would require different uses of tenses for flashbacks and such, it can be very easy to make mistakes and interrupt the flow of the story. I especially like how this is written in third person through Sakuma's point-of-view which makes the story more personal and sympathetic towards how he feels.
Originality (8/10): I've docked a few points due to the concept of the plot is one of the most popular tropes for fanfiction, but I love your take on unrequited love. As I've said before in the Plot category, most unrequited love stories are written with a bucketful of angst and sometimes barely any happiness unless the person moves on with another person, but your story showed a version of unrequited love that has the protagonist pull through by himself and finds acceptance and peace with his current position and feelings.
Feels Factor (13/15): I love this one-shot so much. I have so much sympathy and love for Sakuma and for how he feels that makes me just want to push through my screen and give him a warm hug. The reason why I took a few points is that the ending of this one-shot doesn't particularly make me feel sad. Instead, it makes me feel lighter and hopeful for Sakuma, but not an overly emotional reaction as what 'feels' is often described as.
Title (2/5): While the title got me thinking about how a Keshin would be 'unfinished', it did very little more than that. The title struck me as a tad odd, as once I read through, I figured that it wasn't about the beginning of the Keshin. I also think it reveals too much about the story without a hint of subtlety, immediately making you look out for every instance of a Keshin to see which one would be 'unfinished'—that would have added to the story... but you'll hear more on that later.
Summary (3/10): I'll give it to you straight. Your summary doesn't look like one that would be for a book. It looks more like an overview of the first few chapters, with no explanation of what the plot really is and what else we should be looking for. It basically is just a lengthened version of saying "This is an Inazuma Eleven Go fanfiction."
It's quite bare, with absolutely no details to hook the reader or give any information about the book itself. If I had chanced upon your book without it being shown to me, I would've just skipped past it, as the only thing you promise to your readers is that events would be different. Which is something that is a given in all fanfictions.
Your sentences are a bit rough to read, a tad choppy. That isn't the main problem though, so that's not what should be worked on much. It's just a side observation.
Two points for effort, and one for a method that almost forces the reader to read the book—because there's no overview of it on the front.
Plot (5/25): As it stands, your book is quite bluntly an edgy retelling of the first season of Inazuma Eleven Go. Hopefully, you aren't going to make one of those fanfictions were there is just one small change, but that is what it looks like right now. It seems like the story will run us through the events of the Holy Road, except with a bipolar Tenma who has an overpowered Keshin and can one-man an entire team of SEEDs. If you're trying to make it deviate much more from canon, it certainly isn't evident.
A number of the chapters have passed, yet the only things that have happened so far are Tenma showing how broken his power level is, people talking about his 'hidden power', the Raimon team basically whining, and the revelation of the 'Unfinished Avatar'.
It's the last one I want to talk about now. You revealed and lost the only bit of intrigue you had very early on. You planted a seed and immediately harvested it without letting its roots sink in. This, combined with how you showed Tenma, didn't even make it a surprise. And because nothing else had come up to make the readers invested in the story at this point, the book would just seem like dragging of whatever happens next. You didn't build up well to the revelation.
I gave you 5 instead of the initial 3 that I wanted to give. And that is because I can see an avenue that you can explore. It seems that it is this Avatar that gives much strength to Tenma. Struggles and character moments can be made if he has to go on and face bigger foes without it.
Here's the best advice I can give you right now: deviate. You haven't laid down all the playing cards that can be laid down yet. There's Fifth Sector, there's Tenma, and there are a whole lot of other things in the background. Change them, shape them. As it stands, your Unfinished Avatar looks like it has little to do with things. Make it bigger. Change Tenma's backstory if you have to. Connect it to the antagonists. Connect it to all of the terrible things happening. Take the plot—no matter how much you like it, you'll have to bend it now—and stretch it to places that aren't usual. Put more emphasis on characters, even if they aren't usually highlighted in the show.
Characterization (3/20): I didn't find any characters, per se. I found Tenma and his cast of accessory cardboard cutouts. If you tried to make them more than just background, your efforts weren't exactly good enough. I'm not sure if it's poor presentation, bland dialogue, or the odd pace and emphasis—or a combination thereof—but there was little to no character in the story. They were all just dancing around Tenma, either whining or being little more than plot devices to show off Tenma's power.
Tenma himself seemed to an especially stereotypical bipolar/depressed edgy kid character. He was also very inconsistent—which might be attributed to the Avatar, but it just seems like a lazy excuse if it is. One moment he's enthusiastically bowing, another one and he's self-hating and self-defeating. He switches from one extreme to another. And as a character, his struggles feel superficial. Like they aren't there for more than plot. I don't get any sincere suffering from Tenma, nor do I feel like he conveys his plight well.
It is the beginning. There are still chances for you to correct this, by giving us more glimpses of their character. Dialogue, actions, and just quiet moments allow readers to get a feel of the character and connect with them. Right now, your protagonist has nothing to make him keep readers reading on. He doesn't have a shining quality that tugs. And your other characters don't feel like any more than decoration. But if you can manage to set aside the displays of power and action to show the more human side of them, then even these fictional characters can make us feel for them just as we empathize with real people.
Grammar and Writing Style (10/15): Your best suite. Writing mechanics and vocabulary are decent, just minor errors here and there that can be avoided if you run over them a bit more. Some of your sentences are a bit bland and a tad monotone, which bleeds into your dialogue. Your presentation of the events is a lot of showing and there is a little bit more to be desired. I feel like some characters could have been more than just background if you had just executed them a tad better. Overall, you've just got little problems here and there for this category.
Originality (3/10): When I advised you to deviate, I also mean it for this category. Not much you've provided so far other than your Hissatsu techniques and maybe some concepts behind Night strikes me as something that isn't common. One point was added for making slight deviations so far, as well as Tenma being a lot more of a shooter type.
Feels Factor (3/15): I don't feel that you've led my thoughts for long. I only had one itching thought, which was to figure out the 'unfinished avatar', and you dropped it rather quick. There's not much that I feel is being built up other than the revelation of Night. Aside from that, the non-characters and Tenma don't invoke any sort of sympathy. The players whine about their uselessness, and Tenma's struggle isn't so impactful. The only thing I feel is pity for Aki since she has to deal with Tenma and Night.
Title: 1/5: I am going to critic your title according to the following standards: (1) Word choice; and (2) Relevance to the focus of the story.
First, I want to assure you that there is no problem using a language in the title that differs with the language you used in the story. This is because there are words in a language that cannot be exactly translated in another and needs a phrase or a sentence to do so. And, also, your characters are Japanese, to be fair. However, Shiroi Ookami and Aliea Gakuen don't say much. Although at first, I find it that only the nouns are Japanese, which could be acceptable because they are proper nouns, but it just doesn't work. The amount of English and Japanese words is unbalanced, making it a little messy. Use only one language. It could be Japanese or English, but just one.
Second, I want to talk about the relation of the title to the story. The first point I want to make is the focus. A purpose of a title, although this definition is quite controversial, is to give a hint what the story is all about. Also, a title carries the underlying theme of the story, or sometimes a significant event. The only thing you need to remember in a title is that it should be heavy—it should carry a lot of meaning other than telling what happens in a story. In the case of your title, however, it does not say much. In fact, the revival of Aliea Gakuen is not even the focus of your story. The focus of your story is only a certain group of students in Aliea Gakuen, not the whole school itself, not even its revival (at least, that's how it looked like to me). You placed the noun Aliea Gakuen there, which is, in a sense, collective. Therefore you should include other things in Aliea Gakuen outside of your focus characters. Include the system, the society's acceptance towards the school, perhaps some problems that they only have little students because most parents are afraid of the school because of its history.
If that's not the focus you want, then consider changing the title altogether.
Aside from the fact that it doesn't say much, it also says about something which isn't even in the story—the Shiroi Ookami. The White Wolf. This particular detail never made its appearance until the story is almost done. There's no problem with that, but including it in the title gives it a sense of importance. The story didn't give it any. I understand that he may appear in a sequel, but if the Shiroi Ookami is not really important in this book, do not make it look like one. Because, I have to warn you, it cheats the readers. Remove it, if you must.
Summary: 3/10: First of all, I like how your summary is short and engaging. It tells readers who the characters are, the event connected to the conflict, and a hint of the said conflict in a thrilling, mysterious tone. It has potential. However, the biggest problem is this: the characters mentioned are not the main characters, the event is not a significant event, and the conflict is not the real conflict. In other words, the problem of your summary is its tendency to mislead. Your main characters are the Aliea Gakuen kids, mention them in your summary. By first mentioning Endou and the Inazuma Japan team, it gives the impression that the whole story will focus on them as the main characters. But they only appeared twice in two different chapters, both are at the beginning of the story. The rest did not leave its focus on the Aliea Gakuen and Ohisama En.
I do appreciate the connection of your title and the summary—you tried to make the revival of Alieal Gakuen mysterious. Unfortunately, the story isn't as mysterious as the summary. Remember, the central focus should the be content of the story—the title and the summary revolves around it. Again, know who the main characters are, give them significance in your summary. Know the main conflict (and it's not the revival of the Aliea Gakuen, I must say), give a hint of it in the summary.
Plot: 10/25: In this section, I would like to tackle six things: (1) Chapter 1; (2) Surprise Elements; (3) Consistency; (4) Grounding; (5) Details; and (6) the Shiroi Ookami.
The first chapter started with Endou and Inazuma Japan. It coincides with the summary, yet, just as mentioned before, they are not really the focus of the story. Although starting with characters who are not the protagonists are fine, as long as it proves significant in the latter part of the story. Chapter 1 (and the other chapter with Endou and the gang) did not really contribute to the story. In fact, you could start directly where the Aliea Gakuen kids accepted Hiroto back with them and their school and it will never affect the plot. And that's what I am suggesting to you—go directly to the important part. Start the story where it is already important, don't drag the story with unnecessary dramatization.
Moreover, I have to say that mysterious element of the Aliea Gakuen school came from an unrealistic cause. It is quite strange, unconvincing, that a coach would suggest a reward to tour around schools right after they landed in Japan. First, they should be tired after the championships. Second, their parents would most likely not allow it, especially because they just came back from overseas. Third, it sounds so forced, like you are willing to make things unnatural so the story would go your way. Fourth, why do the coaches have to hide it? Fifth, it's also forced in a way so that they could go back to Hakuren and reminisce and repeat what happened before. Yes, there's a twist, but that twist did not work either. And with that said, I will move on to the next subject—the surprise elements.
The twist I mentioned above refers to the appearance of the new Aliea Gakuen, trying to scare the characters and the readers then flip it at that instant as if to say, "hey we were just kidding." First, it did not work. Second, it's way too obvious. Third, it's another unnecessary dramatization. And fourth, at that point of the story, the conflict was still not introduced, and it was already the third chapter. In other words, the story is dragging. It has a lot of unnecessary dramatization and scenarios that can be emitted without affecting the whole plot. If you want to keep the readers engaged, write what matters and only what matters. Here, I would like to suggest cutting to the chase—start where Hiroto heard his old evil school is back on its feet, introduce the conflict right away.
The next part is consistency. And I have to say that your story lacks one. First is because there are times when you drop a certain detail then changes the next chapter, such as when you mentioned that Kenzaki also went in jail, then suddenly appears in a chapter. Was he also on parole, just as what happened to Seijirou? If so, it would help to clarify this detail. Again, if you are aiming for some mystery in the story, make sure that your details are consistent, and at least linked to one another.
Grounding is also one of the things lacking in your story, and I am looking at the powers your characters have. Where do these powers come from? Why do they have such powers and others don't? Perhaps you felt free adding this considering the hyperdimensional soccer they already have, but remember that hyperdimensional soccer is normal to them. Having powers outside soccer is not. Perhaps it has something to do with the experiments back in Aliea Gakuen days, but that's all your readers could do—make assumptions, and in the end they still can't be sure why there are powers in the first place. I don't think there were any hints about it in the beginning either that would convince us that such powers were possible. It wasn't enough for the suspension of disbelief.
Now, for the details...aside from their consistency, they are also a bit unconvincing. I'd still like to point out the powers the characters have. It just seems very unlikely that the Aliea Gakuen kids' powers emerged at the same time on the same day. It makes me feel like you are too impatient to reveal that they have powers and that when a chance to reveal one's power resulted in revealing the rest of the others'. Moreover, there were no explanations for such synchronization anywhere.
Also, there are other scenes in the story that seems forced that they became unconvincing. It seems that you are pushing your story a bit too much. There's a lot of room, yet you are not using the space to its full potential. Don't worry about making your story longer—if it needs to be that way, then it will be that way. Remember, you, as a writer, do not decide how long a story should be. The one that decides it is the story you choose to tell. And if you've chosen such complicated plotline, it needs a lot of room to be told effectively. Please reflect on this.
Lastly, the Shiroi Ookami. As I mentioned in the Title section, the hint of this White Wolf never appeared until Chapter 10. Your readers would've forgotten about it by then. And it doesn't sound too important—not for this book anyway. It could be in a sequel (and I think I remember you mention there is one), but not in this book. If it's that significant, mention it as early as possible, convince your readers that it is important, or remove it if it's not.
Characterization: 8/20: Before I start, take note that your characters are part of the factors that affected your plot. Hopefully, after reading this section, you can connect why your characters affect the plot and how it should work for you.
For this part, I want to talk about three things: (1) The number of characters; (2) Dialogue; and (3) Inconsistencies.
Let's go straight to the point; your characters are all flat. They all talk the same way, they act the same way, sometimes I think I'm listening to a single character with different faces. The dialogues themselves are so lacking that it wasn't doing its main job right—to characterize a character (I will elaborate on this later). One of the problems here lie on the fact that you have a lot of characters—you stuff them in one scene and made sure they all participate in it. It's not that it's a bad thing, but this kind of stunt is pretty hard to pull off. It makes your readers wonder—who are the main characters? It's difficult to say that it's the entire Aliea Gakuen kids because not all of them have the appropriate screen time to be considered "main characters". I believe your number of characters made it difficult for you to focus on one or two characters to completely dwell on. As a matter of fact, the story won't have any problem with only one main character and have the rest be supporting ones. Don't be afraid to do that—it won't violate the collective sense of Aliea Gakuen.
Moreover, there are problems concerning some of your individual characters. There's that little detail about Midorikawa being the new captain of the new school soccer team, and it was pretty realistic that it pressured him considering that some of the members were from teams that were stronger than him in the past. I like that. But it lacks buildup, meaning that, in one scene, the pressure just came without any warning. The pressure should start from the beginning as a small concern for Midorikawa. Then the more things came to be, the more he realizes that he's going to lead a team with members who're stronger than him before. Build it up gradually, slowly, until a certain point that it would almost break him. The scene is just a suggestion, but it was an example of the buildup I'm talking about.
Takeshi also has a little problem, and I think it's fine to make him as a representative for the rest of the OCs you've used in the story. His first problem is that he came out of nowhere. Aside from the fact that he is Hitomiko's uncle and Seijirou's brother, who is this character? What kind of person is he? What is his background? You did not even give him any distinctions for me to remember what he looks like. Because he is an OC, it's your responsibility to make this character stand out as the rest of your "borrowed" characters, as I'd like to call it. He may not be a character from the series, but that does not make him less important. Remember, all the characters you involve in the story must have their importance for being there.
Now, the flatness and the lack of characterization of your characters also have to do with your dialogue. It's difficult to say whether your characterization affected your dialogue or if it's the other way around, but because dialogue characterizes a character, it has its role. First, like I mentioned above, the dialogue failed to do its job—characterize a character. Every person talks differently, and that is one of the things that differs one character from another. Second, one of the reasons it failed is because many times in the story the dialogues sounded so forced and unnatural. If you're not sure, try reading your story out loud. Third, please don't involve dialogues that need not be there. If it does not contribute to its role—to characterize, to give information, to move the story forward—then you don't have to include them.
The inconsistencies are just the details I want to point out. Inconsistencies in characterization will ruin characterization as a whole. With that being said, Endou and Midorikawa do not use the honorifics "-kun" in referring to their friends. Honorifics are one of the characterization techniques used by the Japanese, that's why it gives us the sense that Fubuki and Hiroto are the kind types of people that use -kun referring to others. Endou and Midorikawa, however, are not that kind of people, so it seems off hearing the "-kun" from them. Also, in Chapter 1, it's very unlikely for Furukabu to get them lost. Shouldn't he know where to go since they've already been in Hakuren before? Be careful in small details like this.
I'd like to mention one thing here (because I think this should be included here rather than in the plot). Kenzaki's motive for controlling over the school is vague, if not completely unknown. If this motive is not laid out clearly, there will be problems in the way Kenzaki will act, and thus also affects your plot. Taking revenge seems pretty shallow as well, considering that he just got out of jail and that he seems to have involved other people with him. Has he got nothing to lose, if that's the case? Please, make it clear.
Despite everything, I'd like to praise you on the dialogue in Chapter 1 between Endou and Kazemaru. That was one of the most accurate characterizations I found in your story. That really caught my eye, and I think you should base your dialogues there—see how Endou and Kazemaru interact and analyze what made Endou's dialogue so Endou-like and Kazemaru's so Kazemaru-like. I also like the part where you described Rococo as African. That, itself, is character.
Grammar and Writing Style: 9/15: Your chosen critique specifics are all under this rubric, and I have to say that this is where you excel the most.
You have simple sentences. And I could see it's really part of you. There's nothing bad about that, however, it seems that you are forcing yourself to use higher prose, meaning that some descriptions are quite exaggerated, some are unfittingly (I tried not to say 'wrongly') metaphor-ed. Don't feel bad about simple sentences. Some great writers write like that, and as long as they are consistent with the simplicity, their stories are going to be fine. So is yours. If you're trying for something new, practice. But keep it consistent. Sometimes you're trying higher registers, sometimes it's simple. Don't force yourself. Simplicity is also beauty, you know.
Your imagery, I have to say, is quite underdeveloped. It affects your setting a lot. Most of the time, I don't know where your characters are. I have to read out of context to know where you put them. Learn how to ground your characters so your readers could be there as well. Imagery is one of the things that could engage your readers. Setting, most of the time, is what makes your readers think they are inside the story; because they know what the place looks like. However, don't overdo the descriptions. Some writers can pull off very detailed imagery in one short paragraph, and it is encouraged to keep it short and concise—as short as possible. I'm not saying your descriptions are long nor they are short. Only, it's inconsistent. At one point you describe something in detail then describe things vaguely the next. Both can cause unnecessary info-dump and vague imagery. Be careful.
Transitions are a bit of a problem as well. You switch from one scene to another without any signals. If you want to keep it simple, you can just skip a line; space is enough for your readers to know the scene changed.
Next, avoid commentaries. In a narration, especially in third person omniscient point of view, the narrator—the author—is the one telling the story. It is the point of view where, most of the time, there are tendencies of commentaries. What I mean about this is the side comments from the narrator inside a narration, which is not a good thing because it brings too much attention to an author outside the story. The only thing readers should pay attention to is everything inside the fictional world. Even if a narrator's voice is there, you have to hide behind the glowing glory of your story. There is the tendency of getting detached, therefore it ruins the engagement of the readers.
You use too much passive voice. What are passive voices? There are the sentences that go like: "He was bitten by a snake;" "She was grabbed by the wrist." Avoid this; instead, do it like this: "The snake bit him;" "He grabbed her by the wrist." The purpose of this is also reader engagement. Passive voices give less sense of action and less sense of present time, meaning that "He is bitten by a snake" tells more of the past than "The snake bites him". However, I'm not saying to always use active voice. Balance is the key. The more you practice the more you'll know when to use them.
Lastly, fix your dialogue tags. The saying "said is dead" is a myth. Editors complain about the over-beautified dialogue tags such as "he asked," "she murmured," "he grumbled," "she exclaimed." Do not overdo it. Said is not dead, and most of the time your readers will not notice them. It is more appropriate to use said if your character did say something. When your character exclaimed, let the exclamation point tell the readers he's exclaiming—don't use "exclaim". It's redundant.
You still have a lot of room to improve in your writing style, but I still like the simplicity of it. Make use of that, it could be your own style. You don't have many problems with grammar, just a bit of typos here and there. But I believe you know your grammar, and the more you write the more it becomes natural to you. Keep writing.
Originality: 4/10: To tell you the truth, there's not much originality in it. Powers, the plotline, the spying, anyone had seen them before, even in Inazuma Eleven fanfictions. I should tell you that the lack of originality is also because of the lack of details. The powers, mostly, needs more grounding, especially because their powers are random except for those characters with obvious elements like Nagumo and Suzuno as fire and ice.
You also used the same "car accident" scheme here. Although it turned out to be a set-up, we've also already seen that in the series. The whole story did not provide an explanation, and Hitomiko's explanation is pretty vague as well. As long as you don't have anything original to explain that, this story will just be like anything else.
However, it does catch my attention the fact that Nagumo was the first to master his power first. You are good with those small interesting details, including Rococo being an African, and I think you should work yourself from there.
Feels Factor: 6/15: This rubric is affected by the rest of the rubric. The surprises did not work, some elements are pretty obvious. And the way the character personalities are forced make them unbelievable, so we do not really "feel" anything with these factors ruining the reading flow. It did not surprise me when Aliea Gakuen revealed that they are not evil. It did not thrill me what was going to happen next. At some point, it's quite predictable. I did not feel what I should have felt in certain scenes. I have to deduct a lot, nine points, for this.
Title (5/5): "Spectral Illusion" itself sounds very elegant and mysterious, which is able to intrigue the readers towards the story. The title acts as a foreshadow towards the plot within the story, and it's a clever way of hooking readers into reading to find out how the story relates with the title without giving away the major plot.
Summary (6/10): I admire how you used the poetic metaphor of a flower to describe a relationship. You made "love" itself sound very mystical and ethereal without sugarcoating the concept which people tend to do when they try to describe love using metaphors. The summary itself sounds very intriguing and attractive. I docked a point because, despite the very well-written Shakespearean-like summary, it seems slightly over the top for a simple one-shot. A summary like yours would be more suitable for a multi-chapter story with a complex plot. Not much grammar error except for the use of the word "relation" since it doesn't quite make sense when put together in the last sentence. Perhaps the word "relationship" was what you were going for. The sentence “however, just like any other flower is supposed to perish,” is a little unclear with the word “supposed to.” Perhaps it could be changed into “however, just flowers are destined to perish.” Some parts of your poetic metaphor seems a bit unclear after a second read of your summary. Now, the use of Gaia - a fantastic use of Greek mythology, I personally enjoyed this - might not be familiar to the rest of the audience and may cause confusion. It seems a bit over the top to say love descends over the realm of "angels and mortals", considering no angels were discussed of in the story, making it slightly irrelevant.
Plot (24/25): I really enjoyed the plot! The flow of the plot was well executed, portraying the development of Tenma's grasp of reality in his mind. It was very interesting to see each phase he went through as he slowly realized the unfortunate truth around him. I find it very clever with how you paced the plot into making the audience think that Tsurugi was indeed alongside Tenma the whole entire time until the truth revealed itself. The plot build-up was brilliant. It got slightly confusing to read during the first few reads to understand each change of scene due to the many time skips, but I understand its necessity.
Characterization (18/20): I love the way you had characterized Tenma, especially the way you have written his thought process. Tenma is often projected as this young man who has a very optimistic view on life. It's refreshing to see such an optimistic person become a whole different person with a rather dark thought process after experiencing an unfortunate loss. You didn't make his sadness dramatic, which I truly appreciate. Tsurugi wasn't out of character - I really enjoyed his dialogues. I could easily imagine him saying his lines with the mannerism that you portrayed well in the story. The chemistry between Tenma and Tsurugi is something you really managed to show in a way that is not a cliche but very "them" if it makes sense. The reason why I didn't give you a perfect score is because I feel that Aki was a bit off, in a way that she doesn't seem to radiate much warmth than what I expected her to have. I understand that her role isn't the most prominent in this story, but I would have liked her character to be more of herself. But so far, your characterization of Tenma might be the best one I've ever read.
Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Grammar mistakes are undetected and the use of past tense remained consistent throughout the entire story. The use of the first-person point of view works well in the storytelling process as it helps the audience sympathize better with Tenma's feelings. This way, every single emotion Tenma feels - from confusion to revelation - feel very personal to both the character and the audience. The way you write the shift in tone is very well done, the angst really hits you deep down inside. The use of short sentences helps build expectation and suspense from the audience. I don't really have much to say about your grammar and writing style considering that it is excellent, but I do think you could reduce the amount of skipped lines between each time skip. Skipping two or three lines should do the work, or maybe add three asterisks at the center to separate each time skip for it to be noticeable.
Originality (8/10): I don't think I've seen any other fics in this fandom that has touched this concept before. It might just be me since it has been a while since I last spent hours scrolling through fanfiction, I think there might be a fic or two that might have a similar idea to this one. I docked two points because I'm rather unsure if this is truly an original concept, but I applaud you for putting your own twist on it by using the most joyful and positive character Tenma and twisting his character to portray how he would deal with such a personal loss.
Feels Factor (12/15): Not going to lie, I might have become too invested in the story and shed a tear here and there. You really did a good job portraying Tenma's self-denial and anguish in a way that is infectious to the audience. However, it did take me two reads to fully understand the flow of the plot and getting myself fully immersed into it. Do keep up the good work!
>Title (5/5): I'm a sucker for Greek and Latin words, and Katharos is a word I find to be on the beautiful side of the Greek language. The title itself gives much of the work immediately, the chosen word obviously being a reference to Kiyoshi's emphasis on purity. Ergo, readers know what to expect the story to revolve around. However, I like the charm that it has to it, a lingering sense of mystique that persists.
>Summary (7/10): It's short and sweet, and manages to summarise what Katharos is. I am just docking a few points because I feel that you could have added a bit more to give a better picture of the story and hook readers. I also wouldn't really call Kiyoshi an 'average student' of Teikoku, since he seems to be more of an outcast if he gets flack for being a "foreigner".
>Plot (22/25) -> [17.6/20]: The overall plot is straightforward, and there aren't any twists and turns that make it complex. It might not be an intriguing stand-alone story, but since the book is a spin-off that is supposed to highlight the character and philosophy of Kiyoshi, I'm lenient regarding that matter.
I like how each chapter shows an important part of Kiyoshi's personality. They are well-picked, highlighting different facets each time, and adding a little bit more background on why Kiyoshi thinks like this or acts like that. I didn't feel a 'filler chapter' and that gives you quite a boon. The pacing was also adjusted enough to show the perspectives, though perhaps it leans a bit to the slower side.
The way I see it, though it is in third person, the narrator is attuned with Kiyoshi, appropriately moving slowly where Kiyoshi would be slow himself, like the almost-drooling-over-Kidou scene. Sometimes, it would feel a bit dragging, but that doesn't affect it too much, since it is covered with splendid character portrayal.
I didn't give you full points because the plot didn't make me crave to know what would come next (Partially because of the speed, and partially because there wasn't really much action to be looking out for), and it feels a tad lacking in events due to brevity and (I assume) the focus.
Regardless, the plot itself managed to bring out Kiyoshi's character with events, dialogue, and the pacing, so kudos to you.
>Characterization (18/20) -> [13.5/15]: I've little to say other than you've done great with Kiyoshi. After going through some of the chapters, his actions seemed to become easy to understand, since his character had been shown well. I enjoyed seeing his convictions and his vulnerabilities, as well as his view on 'purity'.
If purity is staying true to oneself, I find Kiyoshi to be creating many exceptions: he is merely staying true to what he feels at the moment, believing that it is his true self. He says rather early that he needs nobody else, reinforcing what he felt at the time. Later on, he shows that he actually is rather lonely, and convinces himself to mend his relationship with Keima. It's an interesting, yet utterly desperate (fitting of his character), way to view purity.
I do have a problem with how he saw Teikoku as his Paradise, as the earlier outburst gave me the vibes that he was not exactly fine with his place in school. Considering his vulnerable side that is shown later on, such irritability rubs me off as the result of having a negative view of the people in his school. Perhaps he frequently convinces himself that Teikoku is Paradise (which is why he also had his view of Teikoku changed into some sort of place of dark deals). Maybe it just strikes me as odd.
Keima is also well-done, but I honestly feel like he just seems a bit lacklustre before he talks with Kiyoshi about mending their relationship. That said, I look forward to seeing a bit more of him.
Grammar and Writing Style (13/15): While I did spot a few sentences that were oddly constructed (either run-ons or have pronouns that seemed to be ambiguous) and 'Hachidan' alternated with 'Hachi-dan', that is not what I want to mainly discuss.
The way you unfurled Kiyoshi's character was made effective by the well-written descriptions and the use of figurative language/symbolism. Of course, the most prominent would be the mention of the Garden of Eden, as it was what summed up Kiyoshi's motivations.
I also appreciated the use of 'Kin' as a human face for weakness and past mistakes, as though I am not sure who this Kin is, Kin has come to personify concepts that Keima and Kiyoshi find negative. I also particularly liked how his box of dreams was a literal cardboard box that had his hopes and dreams contained within—now that he was dead-set on following them again, they did not need to be boxed up and kept to the side anymore, but brandished. The hissatsu of Keima comes to me as a sort of representation of his reformation—Cortana was the blade that had its tip cut off, similar to how the once forceful Keima was trying to cut off his 'edge'—and makes me think of how much he contrasts with Sir Tristan of the Round Table (Tristan being the sorrowful Knight). He also had the Tristian-Igraine relationship with Kiyoshi back then, as Tristian married another person named Igraine, but always compared her to his first love.
It was a little hard to catch, but I saw a subtle "light at the end of the tunnel" derivation which made me read again just to make sure. As Kiyoshi was doubting whether or not he would actually be able to reach his dream through these dirty methods, walking through uncertainty, he drew nearer to the end. That was where he would face his dream. The scene was a transition from doubt to hope.
There's also this little bit that gives me a better view of Kiyoshi and Keima's relationship. I didn't get it at first, but I then realised it after studying up the names. Kiyoshi was the dragon to Keima's knight back then, reflected in their names Ryuugamine and Keima. Kiyoshi was the one who challenged Keima's moral code.
The mention of a red oni brought into my mind the 'red oni, blue oni' trope. The red oni is a symbol of passion and desire, or simply emotions. The red oni within Kiyoshi was being quenched, the void of loneliness being filled with the forgotten feeling of having someone to complete you.
I had to dock points for the little mistakes and some portions with descriptions that seemed to be a tad long, but those are just minor problems.
>Originality (9/10) -> [4.5/5]: Okay, I docked a point for the Teikoku Spy trope, and the lack of much things that are 'shockingly original'.
However, I will say that Kiyoshi himself is someone I find to be original in some ways amongst IE fanfiction characters. His desperate view of purity is something I haven't really encountered, and I find his foreign blood to be uncommon (Though Suabara also has foreign blood). I also liked how Kiyoshi was learning Killer Slide, a hissatsu that doesn't get much love, as it usually is seen as a show of brutality.
Also... Kiyoshi's later motivation for being a spy is refreshing to see. It was first much like desperation, but later on hope and optimism. Guess Keima did rub off on him.
>Feels Factor (14/15): I have to say, you made me feel much for Kiyoshi. He reminds me much of a friend of mine, and I sometimes I would be whelmed by Kiyoshi's shows of his desperation to cling to purity and what little bit of his dreams he has left. His mother was portrayed well enough for me to almost want to slap her across the face, while the contrasts made between Kiyoshi and Keima's backgrounds made it much more difficult to not feel anything for the blond.
I felt less for Keima, though it was to be a given since he was not the focus. Nonetheless, your words managed to make me connect with his doubts about how he treats others, though I feel like there could have been a bit more to him.
Seeing Kiyoshi come to terms with his dream and his interactions with Keima was a blessing. You averted one of the things that I find too often—a spy doing it because of some threat. You gave Kiyoshi a positive reason to become a spy, which is not to prevent damage to himself, but to finally reach his dreams that had been suppressed.
I had to dock a point because of Keima and how I wasn't particularly craving to know what would happen next, but that's minor.
🅞🅒 🅡🅔🅥🅘🅔🅦 -> [➊➍.➊/➊➎]
>Name(5/5): Ryuugamine means "dragon's peak", and is not too odd of a surname. The contrast with Keima's name gives it a little bit more substance, though the name itself isn't telling of too much. Additionally, I thought of the Seiryū, and how its connection to Wood fitted soundly with the elemental affinity of Killer Slide.
Kiyoshi's name reflects who he is, as well as the ideal that he strives to achieve. Ultimate purity, stainless, at all costs. Kiyoshi's name means "pure," and is fitting.
>Appearance (6/8): I get enough description from Kiyoshi to have a general idea of what he would look like in a crowd, but details of his physical appearance aren't as focused on as Kidou Yuuto's.
I like the little detail that he likely has some pimples on his face, as it makes him look more human in a world where practically every character looks like their face never needed cream nor shaving their entire life.
I had to dock points for the scarcity of description. Aside from the colour of his hair, the presence of red-rimmed glasses, and his pimples, there is little else. His physique nor skin colour isn't touched upon, even his eye colour isn't something I've found.
Furthermore, I cannot seem to get around him being called foreign-looking because of his blond hair, considering the fact that there are many who also have blond hair, and that green hair isn't anything odd.
>Personality(10/10): Kiyoshi's personality is definitely well-developed and well-shown. I've already touched most of this in the Characterisation, so it'll be redundant here. You've done a good job of showing how strongly he clings to his idea of purity. Especially that fixation on Kidou, that is almost unsettlingly detailed.
The development of Kiyoshi's character with Keima as the trigger was pleasing. Early on, he was against having friends, and came off as an individual who was fiercely independent. Just as he was back then, according to his talks with Keima. But talking with Keima showed that Kiyoshi still had the capacity to truly connect; it had only been boxed up and put to the side like his dreams.
>Strengths and Weaknesses(11/12): His vulnerabilities are well-exploited. His desperation made him lean to Kageyama, and his hesitation to act upon his passion was made apparent many times. You managed to show Kiyoshi's weaknesses and bloodily ripped them out for people to see.
His strengths don't really shine all that much, though they do show themselves. The most prominent is his dedication, especially to his own idea of purity and his dream. Kiyoshi's skills were mentioned or shown, though not particularly highlighted—he has great body coordination, notable skills with technology, and a commendable cooking ability. It's a bit hard to see, but Kiyoshi also has a sort of childish charm at times that slips through the cracks.
>Interaction With Canon (10/10): It doesn't wreck or affect canon all that much, and happens at a time when Teikoku likely would have sent spies to Kidokawa, so no problem here.
>Relationships With Canon Characters (5/5): It's mostly Kidou, and they share a relationship I see as something that wouldn't be off. Kidou maintains an attitude towards him that is like most Teikoku subordinates, while the crush that Kiyoshi has doesn't seem to far of a stretch considering his status and charm.
Kiyoshi's relationship with Kageyama isn't expanded much, but it can be seen that he has a pretty... typical relationship with the man. It is not odd, rather it is something that is reasonable given Kageyama's notorious reputation. Kiyoshi seems to see him as the blood-stained path that would lead him to his dream, the evil benefactor that offers him his deepest desire. He sees that Kageyama is shady, and Kiyoshi seems like he does not want to concern himself with the Coach anymore than he has to, but he is willing to put those aside for football.
>Title 3/5: “Descent into Darkness” had me…confused. it is a straightforward title, yes, but not very eye-catching unless I was looking for a Haizaki-centered fic and looked past all the flaws in the canon. Perhaps it is too common of a title to stand out. However, it is as edgy as him which I commend you for.
>Plot 23/25: This one-shot focuses on Haizaki and Akane’s relationship, showing Haizaki’s descent, from the day Akane returned from Outei Tsukinomiya to the thirteen year old Haizaki. It was consistent (in the story and with canon) and grounded, having taken the anime as its base and digging deeper. One thing I wished this one-shot answered was why Akane so important to him. Yes, it is clear she is, but not why. Was she his only friend? Young Haizaki’s personality seems to point out such but his school life is never brought up. Akane and Haizaki were neighbors in a low-income neighborhood, so did Haizaki had no friends before her? Ever? Also, I wish it explore his motive for revenge deeper; he seemed to have given up on Akane’s recovery after all. If there was a twist, and, for example, he set on revenge to let out his pent up emotions–which are definitely there–the story would have had more layers to dissect. Don’t get me wrong, the story was great. I see a lot of potential to make it better.
