#post-refusal persistence

[artofrefusal]

Refusing to hang out with people when I’m tired or stressed has definitely helped because it allows me to get stuff done. However when people bug me about it, I almost always give in. So that can negatively affect me since they keep asking and bothering me.

Interviewee (On how refusals have affected her life)

[artofrefusal]

Post-refusal persistence (part 1)

An oft-forgot, or better yet ignored element of refusals is persistence. By this I mean that in many circumstances of refusal, one must be persistent in their refusal in order for it to be accepted; a phenomenon which leads to an increased anxiety and pressure surrounding refusals, as one must “hold their ground” against an opposing force. It is easy to see how overwhelming this can be when pressures such as perceived closeness, intensity of request, and even emotional manipulation are taken into account. On the subject of making an uncomfortable refusal, one of my interviewees relayed this anxiety in their physical reaction to making a refusal: “I recently refused to take the smaller room in my new apartment. I really needed the bigger space, but my roommate wanted it, too. I was shaking and stammering when i explained why i wanted it, and it got really uncomfortable after because my roommate got really grumpy and stopped talking. A few days later he texted me to tell me he would be okay with the smaller room”. This shaking and stammering while making the account for their refusal is an expression of the pressure they feel from the request to take the smaller room. In this instance, it is important to note that it took several days after the initial exchange in order for the refusal to be accepted and the social order to be re-established. In some scenarios then, refusals are not episodic or instantiated, instead they are ongoing states of disagreement which will either be remedied or result in a falling-out/lesser relationship. - Jay