The Art of Refusals @artofrefusal - Tumblr Blog

Bilbo Says “No”

I just feel like Bilbo needed to be represented.

Lies & Emotion Labor: How We Act During (and After) Refusals

After performing numerous interviews, it became clear to me that almost all people “feel bad” when they have to say no to someone. And let’s face it: in order to preserve another person’s feelings, we sometimes lie or make excuses to get out of doing things we just don’t feel like doing. These situations have the power to alter our following behavior or inhibit our social media presence in an attempt to maintain the accounts we’ve given to others during a refusal.

This act is not a singular, temporary inconvenience. We must not only consider the way we’re behaving in the moment, but also how we’ll behave after making a refusal. Even when we’re certain of ourselves in a given situation, we must act like we truly don’t want to say no. This requires emotional labor; we do our best to convince the other party that we’re entertaining their offer or request before we refuse them. Body language, intonation, and facial expressions are critical in order to achieve this. Because this is not how we really feel, we are working to defuse a potentially awkward situation.

When we lie or make excuses in order to get out of our “obligation” to the other person, it has a tendency to complicate things. As one of my interviewees put it:

“There have been a couple occasions where friend A asks me to hang out, but I’d rather hang out with friend B. I might make up an excuse as to why I can’t hang out with friend A, but then if I hang out with friend B, I might be worried about bumping into friend A in public.”

Because there’s a possibility of bumping into the friend he has refused, he is now preoccupied with worry and may not be able to fully enjoy this time with his other friend. He may have to check his surroundings wherever they go to ensure that there are no conflicts.

Another interviewee has had slightly different experiences:

“If I used a lie that said I was too busy but I was actually with my friends then I would avoid posting snaps to my story or posting anything on Instagram.”

In this case, my interviewee has had to completely remove herself from social media for a certain period of time in order to preserve a lie made during a refusal.

There are varying degrees of behavioral alteration depending on the situation, but in general, feelings of guilt and a sense of obligation can have a lasting effect on all of us.

-Mary-

Post-refusal persistence (part 2)

Especially in the context of romantic communication, post-refusal persistence is seemingly-ubiquitous, however it does not have a place in the sex-ed discourse and tends to be left out of rejection strategy training programs. While many rejection strategy courses emphasize a strong, emphatic refusal, they tend not to account for persistent and (often carefully crafted) invitations to do anything from the seemingly innocent to the quite obscene. This is one of many aspects of these programs to be critical of, however I believe it is often overlooked. In the case of my interviewees, both cited cases where they had made refusals, and were forced to maintain, and justify their decisions by repeated offers. One even implies this particular aspect of refusals is a major source of their discomfort with refusals. “I've had to make uncomfortable romantic refusals at work when guys would ask me out and i always felt bad and felt super uncomfortable like they were going to not leave me alone afterwards. that did happen once when the guy continuously came in even after i had turned him down and then found me on [Facebook] and kept messaging me.” This is not an atypical experience for many in regards to uncomfortable romantic invitations. Yet it is an almost unheard of sentiment in refusal strategy trainings. Why is this? Further analysis will be needed to make any headway into that problem, but I would put forth a tentative explanation that the socialization of men tends to emphasize this tenacity and strong-willed approach to many problems, which combined with various misogynistic narratives and practices, can make them see a romantic or sexual refusal as just another hurdle to be overcome with their will and might. For many females however it proves to be an ongoing struggle to find spaces where they can be comfortable and free from unwanted solicitations. These persistent attempts can become an ongoing source of stress and anxiety which may make the recipient feel forced to retaliate in anger, sometimes creating face-threatening scenarios as a culmination of the relationship. Because of the myriad effects this issue can have and the relative lack of vocabulary or strategies for talking and dealing with it I see this as a major communicative issue in our day. The fact that these practices can seem innocuous or naively misguided at first, the antagonist can often build up an argument for how their behavior has been validated by the mere allowance of it. I see these “gray areas” of social conscience as the underpinnings of the rampant and frankly horrifying practice of letting rapists and sexual abusers escape harsh sentences by the defensibility of miscommunication. I think a necessary step to remediating this communicative problem is addressing and combatting sexist and misogynistic narratives which present sex as more important than healthy interpersonal relationships and making the harmful effects of post-refusal persistence clear, as well as contextualizing it with power dynamics among other “red flags”. - Jason

#Mod Jay

Refusing an interview about refusals?

In my next venture into other people’s feelings about refusals, I asked my brother to be the subject of my interview questions. He reluctantly agreed, and the action of me asking him to do this interview, and his hesitant nature of his willingness became the very subject of it.

When asked about uncomfortable refusals and the feelings surrounding them, answers very similar to Jenn’s were produced. Colin acknowledged feelings of discomfort and uneasiness before, and during the refusal making process. Similar senses of relief were described by both Colin and Jenn in talking about how they felt post-refusal. Colin went on to elaborate that even though feelings of awkwardness might linger in the conversation after the refusal, the situations he’s been in in which he’s made a refusal have not turned sour because of it, making it easier to move on from the situation.

When asked if he has ever made an uncomfortable request or offer, trying to maybe pinpoint the feelings of being refused, he brought up again the feelings of discomfort that he finds in most refusals, no matter which side he’s on. Colin couldn’t remember a specific time in which a request he made would be uncomfortable in the eyes of society instead of just his discomfort, but he is aware that he has made uncomfortable requests. Instead of going into detail about a specific request, Colin outlined that he usually feels most uncomfortable when he has to ask someone for help, or ask someone for a ride. Even though asking for help is a completely natural part of life, coming to terms with the fact that you might not be in complete control, or know what to do in a certain setting can be a very face-threatening occurrence. There is a certain level of vulnerability that he says he experiences when asking for help because it’s hard to admit you don’t know something or need assistance. As a high school student who has not taken a communications class, the term “face threatening” was not mentioned by him, but the situation and feelings he described were face threatening situations.

The next part of the interview sort of steered away from refusals and touched on dispreferred acts. I posed the question of what types of things are the most difficult to say to others, and Colin provided almost an immediate answer. The most difficult conversations for him to engage in, and the hardest things he finds himself saying, are ones in which he has to correct someone, give criticism, or enforce a rule. He pulled these specific instances from his summer job as lifeguard in which one of his responsibilities was making sure the patrons followed the rules. At a pool visited mostly by children younger than 12, along with their parents, one might think that rule enforcement applied mostly in terms of the children. In Colin’s experience, he found himself reminding as many parents of the rules as children. The challenges arose for him when he had to tell a parent, often times decades older than himself, what to do or not to do. Often times, parents would bring their child into a section of the pool that was unsafe for the child, or engage in activities, that although were fun, were not in the best interest of safety. In these cases, Colin had to stop the behaviors, and explain why such a thing was not allowed. He felt the most discomfort in doing this because he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries in telling parents what to do with their children. Although it was his job, he felt it was challenging to tell a parent, essentially, what is best for their child, when in almost every other aspect of their life the parents decide what is best for them. Enforcing safety rules, especially at a public facility is not a means of overstepping parental boundaries, but is understandable how it could be viewed and experienced that way.

Back to refusals. I asked if refusals have made Colin’s life easier or more difficult in any way. The response is one that can be applied to many aspects of your life, instead of just refusals, but goes hand in hand with refusals very nicely too. Colin was not able to recall a time in which a refusal made his life more difficult, and reflected that “The refusals I’ve made have been for my own good or for the good of those around me which makes me feel more confident about them and have made my life easier in some aspects”. Some people might get more comfortable with refusals over time with practice, but if the uncomfortable feelings do not dissipate over time, no matter how much practice, there is always ease to be found in doing something that is in your best interest, or in the best interest of someone around you.

When trying to remember a recent or memorable experience where he wanted to say no but felt obligated to say yes, Colin pointed to two examples in which the familial aspect of both the requests made him feel obligated to oblige. The first instance he brought up was one where our dad asked him to mow the lawn, and since he had no concrete reason not to do it, he agreed to get it done. Not only did the lack of excuse make him feel obligated to say yes, but since it was a favor being asked from a family member, that added another facet that made Colin agree to the task. The second instance he brought up is truly comical. He described how, at first, when I asked him to participate in the interview, he thought I was asking him questions I had to complete for an assignment that I just didn’t want to do so I had him do it. Before fully understanding what the assignment was, he agreed to do it for the same reasons why he agreed to mow the lawn.

I suppose it’s only fitting that an act of refusal almost came out of asking someone to do an interview about that very topic.

//Ansley

The Constructive Refusal

Constructive criticism is a natural-born dispreferred speech act. The term contains a positive, encouraging word that is followed by a negative word associated with condemnation. It contradicts itself, just as those providing constructive criticism appear to be.

When employing this speech act, an individual is at the same time telling someone that they are doing something right, and also something wrong. This is what makes giving constructive criticism so difficult. You’re trying to help someone, but in doing so you are highlighting aspects of the other person which you deem incorrect. According to Goffman, it is our natural orientation, or inclination, to be defensive of one’s own face and protective of the faces of others. This mutual action ensures that social harmony will typically prevail, and works to prevent an outbreak of norm-challenging, rule-changing social drama. But this principle does not coexist with constructive criticism, as its users convey face-threatening words which in turn leave their own face vulnerable to a potentially vexed criticism-recipient.

Constructive Criticism is a form of refusal, albeit a bastardized version. It is both refusal and acceptance. And as my interviewees shared with me, it can be challenging to carry out without threatening at least one participant’s face.

“I care about you. This is why I’m telling you.” -Isabel

When asked what the most difficult things for her to say to others are, Isabel revealed that she finds giving constructive criticism the most burdensome, especially in the context of friends. After all, friendships can hang in delicate balance when one member questions the choices of the other. But, Isabel still chooses to provide constructive criticism because she cares about her friends. Sometimes she acts because she notices someone going through the same things that she has in the past. She wants to prevent them from making the same mistakes she made. In this way she is ultimately helping them, regardless of the tough love that comes before. Another reason why she uses constructive criticism is to prevent someone from doing something she believes they will come to regret.

“The most difficult things for people to say to each other, generally, are things that are true, but not necessarily things you want to hear.” -Evan

While Isabel viewed constructive criticism as her personal, most challenging speech act to execute, Evan believes that this is true for most of the world’s inhabitants. Whether you’re pointing out a piece of food stuck between a friend’s teeth, or drawing attention to the fact that someone’s shirt is on inside out, Evan says that these are the moments that most would like to avoid. Despite this, he has developed his own method to avoid the apprehensiveness associated with using this speech act. He has decided to draw humor from these situations, working to destigmatize constructive criticism.

It’s important to note that constructive criticism is not bound to the academic or professional realm. Evan’s many examples of ugly truths included indicating everyday mistakes such as the above-mentioned inside out shirt, or a crooked hat. These moments are easier to draw attention to because the threat to the recipient’s face is less severe than when one is providing constructive criticism on a product of effort, like an essay. One is addressing an honest mistake, the other is addressing a problem with a personal, conscious decision.

My time with Isabel and Evan has reinforced my belief that constructive criticism has an inappropriately bad reputation. The ultimate goal of the speech act is too help improve someone, or something one has created, but many are too blinded by the initial negative feedback to comprehend they are receiving assistance from a benevolent individual. Alternatively, those providing constructive criticism are off-put by the speech act because of the potential repercussions they face once acting. The world needs to calm down a bit, realize that no one is perfect, and that everyone can improve.

~Simon

Refusing to hang out with people when I’m tired or stressed has definitely helped because it allows me to get stuff done. However when people bug me about it, I almost always give in. So that can negatively affect me since they keep asking and bothering me.

Interviewee (On how refusals have affected her life)

#post-refusal persistence #guilt #obligation

“Thank you, I feel much better after reading through your copious accounts and palliative phrases."

- Rejected Writer

#notgoodenough #but we won't say that #palliative care #softpedal #letdowneasy

No One Likes Asking for Money

Dispreferred acts encompass a large swath of speech acts one generally does not want to ask or say to another person. Over the course of interviewing friends and colleagues, it became clear to me that asking for money is one of the most difficult things for someone to carry out. Regardless of the status of the individual being asked for money, be it a best friend or a parent, asking makes both participants uncomfortable.

In the case of my friend Isabel, she had to call her father for additional money to buy books. Her father had recently left their country to come to campus for a visit, and during his visit he spent hundreds of dollars on groceries that was meant for Isabel’s books using his daughter’s debit card. When it came time to buy books for the new semester, Isabel only had $100 left, and this was not nearly enough. The thought of asking her father for more money filled her with anxiety and guilt, and she felt this way even though it was her father that spent the money.

My friend Evan found himself in a similar situation not long ago. Through a series of events, he found himself without any money. This was a problem as he needed cash for food, gas for his car, and other daily expenses. Finally deciding to ask his roommate for money, Evan still found himself hesitating. Even though they are long-time friends, even though his roommate has plenty of money, and even though Evan was going to ask for just $60, Evan felt very uncomfortable and didn’t like the thought of asking at all.

Isabel says that after a long time of building up the courage, she finally called her father and explained the situation. She received money from him not long after, and all was well. Evan asked his roommate for money, and he was more than willing to oblige. Although he was happy to get the money, Evan still feels uncomfortable and thinks the situation won’t truly be resolved until he pays his roommate back.

Despite the highly-personal connections both Isabel and Evan shared with those they asked for money, they still found it extremely challenging to ask for money. This kind internal dilemma is at the core of all dispreferred acts, whether one is making an uncomfortable request or refusal. These scenarios exemplify the power dispreferred acts have over the decisions people make every day, making one question their choices and causing interpersonal traffic jams.

~Simon

An Inside Look At Refusals

Upon asking how refusals have made life easier or more difficult, a couple important points were made by Jenn. After discussing in depth how challenging refusals are for the majority of the interview, her feelings changed when she described how, overall, refusals have made her life easier. The reason why Jenn feels as though refusals have made her life easier, despite their challenging nature, is because she has learned that the majority of the time, refusals don’t have negative repercussions. The sense of relief from refusing something that wasn’t in your best interest, and then having the other person understand and not react negatively is something Jenn said makes her life easier, and although refusals are still challenging, she feels more relaxed about them because she has learned that they won’t result in negativity.

Everyone has been there before, someone asks you to go somewhere or to do something for them and every part of you wants to say no for one reason or another, and then you find yourself agreeing to whatever was asked of you. The uncomfortable, face-threatening nature of refusals makes them dispreferred speech acts; people usually would rather not refuse someone, so a lot of times it is a challenging, and maybe awkward situation when it happens. Areas of refusal span almost every parts of our lives, from romantic refusals, to refusals in a professional setting, even in familial settings. Despite the opportunities that everyday life grants us to practice refusals, they never seem to get easier or less uncomfortable with time. I interviewed one of my housemates, Jenn, about her experience with acts of refusal to get a better grasp about the feelings surrounding them, and also to inspire a certain degree of self-reflection and awareness about the topic.

Inspiring self-reflection was not one of my original goals of the interview, but came to light when Jenn made a comment that she knew that she encounters refusals in her everyday life, but had a hard time pinpointing one specific example. That comment also brought up an interesting thought, in that people find so much challenge in making refusals, but then after the moment passes in which the refusal happened, it is forgotten and moved on from.

In asking Jenn about her experiences in making potentially uncomfortable refusals and how she felt prior to, and after the situation, she acknowledged her feelings of discomfort. She elaborated on her feelings that it is most uncomfortable when she has to tell someone that she doesn’t want something they are offering to her. Despite the discomfort in situations like that, she also described the relief that comes after the refusal, especially when the other person is understanding and accepting of what was said. The most challenging part of making refusals, she said, is when the other person reacts badly to the refusal and does not accept what was said or the reasons behind it.

Certain characteristics of the person you are refusing also makes the refusal more or less uncomfortable and challenging. In Jenn’s experience, she finds that if the person is older, or in a position of more power than you, refusing them is more uncomfortable. She gave examples of making refusals towards a boss or upperclassman, and that if they ask for a favor or for help, it’s very hard to say no. The power dynamic and societal implications of hierarchy make it feel like you are obligated to help that person, even if it’s not in your best interest.

When asked about what the most difficult things are to refuse, Jenn’s answer was almost immediate. It is the hardest to say no when the person making the request is asking for help in some capacity. She went on to say that she enjoys helping people so it’s challenging to say no when someone asks for help or needs a favor. Another reason she finds it hard to say no to a request for help is because people often struggle to ask for help because they want to give off the impression that they know what they’re doing. Combining Jenn’s desire to help people and the appreciation she has for people who acknowledge when they need help, refusing requests for help are the most challenging acts of refusal to make.

//Ansley

“No.”

Many would agree that this two-letter word is potentially one of the hardest things to say to another person. Saying no, or making a refusal, is considered a “dispreferred speech act” - and contrary to what the term sounds like, it is not simply a statement of what you do not want. A dispreferred speech act requires a great deal of effort, consideration, and finesse in order for its message to be deemed socially acceptable. A refusal in any situation is more difficult, much less direct, and a lot more work than, say, an acceptance. This difference is illustrated below:

Acceptance

Person A: “Want to go to dinner?” Person B: “Sure!”

Refusal

Person A: “Want to go to dinner?” Person B: “... Um, well I would love to, but I can’t. I have a lot of work to get done. Thank you for the offer though!”

Usually beginning with 1) a pause, 2) a discourse marker (”Um,” “well,” etc.) and 3) a disclaimer, (”I would love to, but”) there is usually also 4) a need for the speaker to give a reason as to why they cannot do something (an account) in order to soften the blow. Directly saying “no” in our society is very rare and often seen as hostile or rude.

What’s most intriguing to me is how refusals tend to make the refusing party feel awkward, or mean, or obligated to do things they do not want to do in order to preserve another’s feelings or to save face - even when it makes sense to say no.

-Mary-

#cantjustsayno

Post-refusal persistence (part 1)

An oft-forgot, or better yet ignored element of refusals is persistence. By this I mean that in many circumstances of refusal, one must be persistent in their refusal in order for it to be accepted; a phenomenon which leads to an increased anxiety and pressure surrounding refusals, as one must “hold their ground” against an opposing force. It is easy to see how overwhelming this can be when pressures such as perceived closeness, intensity of request, and even emotional manipulation are taken into account. On the subject of making an uncomfortable refusal, one of my interviewees relayed this anxiety in their physical reaction to making a refusal: “I recently refused to take the smaller room in my new apartment. I really needed the bigger space, but my roommate wanted it, too. I was shaking and stammering when i explained why i wanted it, and it got really uncomfortable after because my roommate got really grumpy and stopped talking. A few days later he texted me to tell me he would be okay with the smaller room”. This shaking and stammering while making the account for their refusal is an expression of the pressure they feel from the request to take the smaller room. In this instance, it is important to note that it took several days after the initial exchange in order for the refusal to be accepted and the social order to be re-established. In some scenarios then, refusals are not episodic or instantiated, instead they are ongoing states of disagreement which will either be remedied or result in a falling-out/lesser relationship. - Jay

#Mod Jay #post-refusal persistence

Mary Apessos

Greetings!

I’m a Wildlife Ecology & Conservation major at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst. Personally, I don’t think I’m very skilled at performing speech acts; I guess I’m more comfortable around animals because they don’t talk or put me into positions where I need to say no. For this project I’ve interviewed a small handful of friends, classmates, and family members about the various refusal situations they encounter in their everyday lives. While I don’t enjoy making refusals, I find its many nuances totally fascinating.

Simon Klee

Simon is a sophomore at The University of Massachusetts Amherst studying natural resources conservation. Over the course of this project he interviewed his friends, exploring the nature of refusals and dispreferred acts, and analyzed these accounts for commonalities. Through these similarities he hopes to better understand why people find making refusals so difficult.

Jason Norman

Hi all! I’m Jason and I am majoring in Building Construction Technology at UMass Amherst. I interviewed a close friend, my sister, and my significant other about their experiences with refusals and how they felt afterwards. I am interested in how some refusals can be simple while others are much more complicated. I’ll tag my posts as Mod Jay!

#Mod Jay

Ansley Baker

Hi everyone, I’m a junior at the University of Massachusetts Amherst studying Natural Resource Conservation. This is the first communications class I’ve taken in my undergraduate career. For this project I interviewed my housemates and brother about their experiences with refusals and the feelings and implications that come along with them. Like Simon, I’m hoping to get a better understanding about why people find refusals so challenging.

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