Aug 27, 2013
The Bexley Post Rises: Official Teaser
aka new issues coming this fall!
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The Bexley Post Rises: Official Teaser
aka new issues coming this fall!
BP Year in Review: District issues medieval weaponry to staff to protect students
From the January 2013 Issue
by Nikki Rewlins - News Editor
The school district agreed to issue an arsenal of medieval weaponry to school staff in order to protect students from intruders.
The decision was made due to the increase in school intruders across the country, said School Safety Advisor Marcus Rulang, and warranted increasing security.
"The National Rifle Association called for having armed guards in every school, but that idea was highly criticized," Rulang explained. "We decided to tone this idea down a notch by implementing use of highly dangerous medieval weapons to every staff member."
Each staff member was given a suit of chain mail, two swords, one dagger, five pikes, three lances, two javelins and one cross bow as a small standard, Rulang said.
"Now teachers, custodians, administrators and the like will all be able to defend invading persons, such as a Mongol warrior," Rulang explained. "With every staff member wielding a silver broad sword, forged from the fires of Gaul, there will certainly be more comfort in our student's hearts."
Rulang added that teachers with 10 years or more experience at the school were given bonus weapons for extra fortification. These weapons include hand cannons, sparths, pollaxes winged spears.
Superintendent Michael Jordan added that the Cassingham Complex building itself will be taking security measures.
"To protect against battering rams and firey cannons from the West, we will need to build our walls higher, and have archers at the ready at all times," Jordan explained. "Our laborers will lay down the sacred mortar and build our uncrushable stone walls twice, no, thrice higher!"
Jordan added that the District will strike down any foreign army who dares to penetrate its hallowed estate.
However, the decision has not been met without opposition. Many students and teachers feel that the security measures should go even farther back in time. One such student is Marcarla Banister, who disagrees with the medieval decision.
"Medieval weapons are extremely bloody, and that's not what we need hear at Bexley," Banister said. "I think we should delve into pre-historical weaponry, such as rolling a large boulder over a cliff to kill a Mastodon. Except instead of the Mastodon, a dangerous intruder."
City to remove houses, promote forestation in order to win award
by Marcus Remaw - Staff Reporter
BEXLEY, OH - Many houses in Bexley will be removed this summer and replaced with deciduous trees after city council decided in a 7-4 vote to take this action to gain "Arboretum" status.
City Councilman John Richards explained that the Fifth Amendment allows the government to take away private property to benefit the public as long as there is "just compensation."
"As a former Constitutional law scholar, I can assure the public that this is completely legal," Richards explained. "As long as we give the owners of the houses we bulldoze proper compensation, everything will be justified."
This compensation will come in the form of firewood and scrap from the debris of the people's bulldozed houses, Richard added.
"We expect these displaced migrants to move west, and search for greater fruits in California."
Top Bexley Restaurants for Time Travelers
The post sent Opinion Writer Jane Lewish out to review some of Bexley's most popular restaurants that either existed in the past or don't yet exist.
#1: The Bexley Monk
You set your time machine to the early 2000s. You put on your radiation-resistant cyber glasses and press a series of command functions on the mother board. You plug in the correct latitude and longitude coordinates. Within minutes of travel through intraspace, you have reached the Bexley Monk. You step out, but unfortunately a car slams into the machine and destroys it. You hurriedly stride into the glamorous eatery, as the time-vortex has made you very The first thing you would notice if I went to the Bexley Monk would be that there's a smoking and non-smoking section. Choose smoking if you're cool. You sit down in a booth and not order anything to drink because Verve has not yet been invented. You stuff the buttery bread into your face. You run back into the kitchen and start tossing food into your cyber-pack. A man comes out and starts shouting at you. It's time to go.
The Monk receives 3/5 stars for good bread and good plates, but no Verve.
#2: Moe's Southwest Grill
You are running down Main Street, avoiding being hit by cars mostly produced in the late 90s. You run into Moe's Southwest Grill. You see a man working in the back of the restaurant. He bears the blue mark of a time-traveler. You hop over the glass counter, landing on a vat of black beans.
You take out your gamma-gun and blast the traveler's head off. Grabbing the man's keys and a quesadilla to go, you run out behind the building. The deliciously sweet salsa mixes well with the spicy ground beef, and it all comes together when the tangy cheese hits your palate.
You find the man's cobalt car. But this is no car, in reality. You hop inside, and press the transformation button. "Aha, success!" you say as the car changes into a late 2660's time-Gallandrax, perfect for high speed travel.
You set the time for 2013, but accidentally press another 0 as you hit the vortex dial, sending you to 20130.
Moe's receives 5/5 stars for good black beans and great Gallandrexes.
#3: BxlyPzza20genX+
It has been more than 20,000 years since the birth of Christ. The smoggy earth still stands, but is guarded by vicious insectian warlords known as Krogs. The Krogs love two things: human flesh and Pizza. Fortunately, this meant that Bexley Pizza Plus survived the firey takeover of 3000 and became BxlyPzza20genX+, or Krakorashaganowak in the Krogs' native tongue.
You step outside of the Cobalt Gallandrax, taking off your cyber glasses. Krogs begin to swarm around you, but fortunately the Gallandrax has a changeling device. You place your hand over the transformix, and you have become a Krog. The swarm dissapears, and you walk into BxlyPizza20genX+ and order a meat lovers.
Finally you can enjoy some peace and quiet. You sit outside on the electra-patio, stuffing your exoskeleton with meaty pizza. The texture of the pizza is simply exquisite, and blends well with the tart sauce. You ask the waiter-bot, "what's in this stuff?" He replies, "Preserved flesh from the Battle of 17776." You are disgusted. What terrible service.
BxlyPzza20genX+ receives 2/5 stars for good atmosphere but unsettling service.
Info: Homecoming Dress-Up Days
(Week of October 8th)
Monday- Wear the colors of France, Chile, Australia, Liberia, Thailand, Norway, Russia, Iceland, Cuba, or Great Britain.
Tuesday- Celebrate the worldwide event that ended almost 2 months ago!
Wednesday- *Highly Cultured Mean Girls Reference*
Thursday- Girls wear tiaras, I guess?
Friday- Dress up like a Smurf
FAQ: So what's going on this summer?
During the summer, the Post, while not publishing new issues, will still be providing the student body with extraordinary news service. How? Through this website and the Bexley Post's Twitter!
Moving sidewalks to be installed throughout school, city
Several sets of moving sidewalks will be installed in the high school and adjacent to major Bexley thoroughfares starting this summer.
The sidewalks, which aim to encourage less exercise, were decided to be placed by City Manager Mike Davis.
“We want Bexley residents to be able to get around in leisure without having to worry about driving or walking,” Davis explained. “I made the decision to add them (the sidewalk) because I love our citizens. I later decided to add some to the school because I especially love our youth.”
Davis said that sidewalks will initially be placed in the main hallway, the new wing hallway, on Cassingham and Montrose, and on Main Street from Johnson’s to Jeni’s. The sidewalks will travel at 50 mph to ensure quick travel.
“With the sidewalks, students will be able to travel from class to class with ease, and consumers will leisurely travel to all their favorite Bexley shops,” Davis said.
He added that even more sidewalks will be added, as well as a zip-line from the school’s roof to Penn Station and Chipotle.
Many students and citizens are excited about the new sidewalks. One such student is sophomore Emma Leowitz.
“I’ll never have to walk again!” Leowitz said. “Now I don’t even need to worry about getting my license or anything.”
However, some say that the energy and construction costs behind the sidewalk are overwhelming, but we shall ignore those people’s comments.
Infographic: How does the Bexley Post staff spend their time?