You break it, you buy it
Hank and Ella were browsing through Home Depot, as they often did on a Saturday afternoon and were passing through the lighting section. The night before they’d watched, for the umpteenth time, the very first Star Wars movie, which was of course their favorite. Today Hank was suddenly compelled to pick up a fluorescent tube and brandish it like a light saber.
“The Emperor must die!”, he yelled, and dashed down the aisle.
Ella was laughing so hard she had tears running down her cheeks. She stopped abruptly when she heard the sound of smashing glass. Running to the end of the aisle and around the corner, she stopped when she saw Hank and some stranger standing together surrounded by broken glass.
When she looked past the stranger she saw a man several yards behind her who couldn’t stop laughing.
More people came running at the sound of the crash, including someone in a Home Depot apron. When the man in the Home Depot apron saw Hank and the other Jedi and the broken glass, all he said was, “Again?” This caused the other man to start laughing again so hard that he was now doubled over.
Ella looked questioningly at the Home Depot guy. He said, “This happens every time Star Wars is on TV.” He then turned to Hank and the stranger and said, “You know the rule, people — you break it, you buy it.” He shook his head and went off to get a broom and dustpan.
Jerry and Cindy had been married for 16 years. Cindy had just discovered that Jerry had a secret credit card account that he’d been using for buying things that he didn’t want Cindy to know about. The credit card bill was mixed in with the regular household mail and Cindy had automatically opened it along with all the other household bills. She was first confused and then stunned both to see the list of purchases and to see the balance on the account.
When Jerry walked in that evening he saw the credit card bill open on his place at the dining room table. He’d arranged for paperless billing on the account specifically to avoid such a thing. It should never have been mailed and it was obvious that Cindy must have seen the bill.
When he made his way to the kitchen he found a note on the island.
“We have an appointment with our marriage counselor Wednesday at 2:00. Be there. I’m staying with a friend tonight.”
Jerry showed up at their counseling appointment to find Cindy already in the waiting room. She acknowledged his presence but said nothing else until they sat down with their therapist. Even then all she did was hand the therapist a copy she’d made of the credit card bill and say, “This was a secret account that I just discovered.”
To the therapist’s raised eyebrow aimed at him, Jerry said, “Yes, it’s mine. Yes, I hid it from Cindy. Can’t say I’m proud of that.” He looked over at Cindy and then down at his hands in his lap.
First came a lot of discussion answering Cindy’s questions about the facts — how long he’d had the account, what was the nature of some of the harder-to-decode expenses, what money of theirs was he using to pay the account, etc.
This was followed by Jerry’s apology to Cindy for deceiving her and a promise never again to use the credit card. He heaved a sigh of relief and thought that they’d disposed of the issue rather efficiently.
But it wasn’t yet disposed of at all. With the therapist’s help, Cindy then articulated what she’d need from Jerry to feel that she could once more trust him.
Her list of requirements was long. She wanted to watch him shred the credit card and to watch him change the original paperless billing request to a request for a paper bill to be mailed to their house so that she could monitor the payments. She insisted on being the one to open the bill each month. She wanted his computer/email/account passwords so that she could monitor any other accounts or spending. He would use only their joint debit card, which she could monitor directly.
When Jerry asked how long his “sentence” would last, Cindy’s answer was, “As long as it takes.” He started to object, insisting that the therapist set a time limit.
The therapist pointed to a sign on the wall that said, “Pottery Barn rule — you break it, you buy it”. Jerry looked puzzled. “I didn’t break anything!”
The therapist explained. “You broke Cindy’s trust. You have now bought the consequences of your actions. Those consequences will continue until the trust can be remade. Only Cindy can determine when that time comes.”