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Andy’s Poufwa Interview - Transcript

I apologize for any typos. I’ve been over this many, many times and I just can’t look at it anymore. Again, the actual podcast can be found here.

The hosts are Ryan, [T], Jen2, PS, and Mike. Kezza is the editor and her commentary (inserted during the editing process) is in parenthesis.

[Begins 1:33:07]

Ryan: ...Andrew's here! Andrew wrote "Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness"; let's go talk to him. Hey, Andrew!

Andy: Hello there! Yeah. And that's not the big damn thing; that's the tip of the iceberg that is the big damn thing. At this point, we have now crossed two hundred and fifty stories, of which, over a hundred of them I've written. We're on our third novel. There's videos. There's over two hundred pieces of artwork--that's, I guess, where Kezza got obsessed with the buff young men. It--it's mad now.

Ryan: She's actually there now just drooling. I asked her to come here, but she was [mumble]

PS: She's over at DeviantArt, you know, slobbering over Seamus. [laugh]

Ryan: So let's get this straight. We've been saying in the last three, four podcasts that this is your first story--

Andy: Yes.

Ryan: "Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness."

Andy: Yes.

Ryan: And we're just shocked that this is your first story and this is the wonderful story you've come up with. In the time it's taken us to do that, so, you know--in the time it's taken you to release "Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness" and move on, you are now an accomplished author of two hundred fifty [inaudible]

PS: [laugh]

T: You're holding a convention.

Andy: I've crossed well over a million words at this point and there's, uh, there's some twenty other authors that have written stories in the 'verse as well. It's--it's gotten pretty huge.

Ryan: Now, the one thing I wanna say--and this is probably the best compliment I can offer--you've crossed over a million words. If you went through your collected works, you could probably take out maybe fifty of them. "No, I didn't need that 'that' there; I could take the 'that' out." And maybe you could get rid of a "because" at one point. We've read stories on this podcast where you can take out chapter seven [Andy laughs] and have no impact on the story whatsoever.

Andy: Thank you.

Ryan: So when you hear, "a million words," you're like, "Oh, someone likes prepositional phrases," but in your case all the words are actually necessary and you pack in just a very dynamic universe.

Andy: Thank you.

PS: And I--I just want you--

Andy: And I really have to take that as a compliment 'cause I don't edit.

Ryan: Yes.

Andy: Everything that I post is a first draft. I--I don't edit; I don't have a beta; I don't rewrite. Everything's as it comes.

Ryan: Really? You don't edit?

A: No.

PS: That's fantastic.

T: Damn.

Ryan: I edit everything. I edit Christmas cards. [Andy laughs] You don't edit?

Andy: I don't edit, no.

Ryan: 'Cause I edit so many podcasts that when people-- I have a boss. And she "um"s. Every. Other. Word. Is "um". "And, um, I, um...um..." And I'm sitting there in staff meetings saying, "If I were editing you, I would take out that 'um' and that 'um'..."

PS: Oh, do you do that, too? I do that, too. It's like, if Audacity was life--

Ryan: Yes!

PS: --here's what I would edit out.

Ryan: Mike would get three words out every day because edit...edit...edit [laughter] So you don't--my life is editing. You don't edit?

Andy: I've gone back two or three times when people have told me there were typos. Like, you know, missing the 't' on the end of "thought" and making it "though", which, you know, the spell checker doesn't catch. But other than correcting maybe a half-dozen typos in the entire 'verse, I...every word is exactly as I first wrote it.

PS: Did you outline? Like, how--

Andy: No.

PS: What goes into--

Andy: No.

PS: Before you start writing, I mean, how much do you plan it out before you start. 'Cause I know--

T: It's pretty much all in his head.

Andy: It go-- I write it in a straight line, beginning to end; I don't jump around or anything. And I write it all in one session. I will write it directly in-- Well, I used to write it directly into fanfiction.net and now I write it directly into LiveJournal.

PS: Wow, I'm jealous.

Ryan: I'm in shock about this, like--

Andy: [laughs]

Jen2: I know; I--I--I'm so speechless that I can't even move.

Andy: I have--

Ryan: Or ask a question; I have no...

Andy: I have some sketchbooks where I have sort of, ah, half-finished sketches of images of moments, but I don't have any notes. I don't have a journal or a notepad or anything like that

Ryan: So, like, pacing-wise--

Andy: It's all in my head.

Ryan: Pacing--

Andy: All in my head.

Ryan: Like, pacing-wise, going through a story--so you'll end, you know, a scene with two characters and you'll instantly... You don't think to yourself, you know, "Should I start up with, you know, a scene with...you know, Ernie, or should I go to a scene with..." You just know instantly what will occur next in the story.

Andy: Yes.

Ryan: He says this like it's--

T: Yeah.

Andy: Part of that is because I don't head-hop. All of the novels are from Neville's point of view.

Ryan: Yeah, I know. What I'm saying is, you know, in terms of, do you go into a scene where Neville's talking to Ernie, or do you go into a scene where maybe Neville's talking to Hannah. You just...

Andy: [laugh] Well, yeah.

Ryan: I don't mean to be like, "Liar!" but I'm like...

Andy: I'm sorry; the thing is, I don't--I haven't written before this. I don't know what's...I know that most people edit and most people have, like, outlines and journals and things, but this is the only way I've ever written. DAYD was the very first thing I ever wrote. I hadn't even written a short story. I--I didn't go to high school; I didn't go to any kind of school, so I never had creative writing classes or anything like that. It was the first non-fiction thing I ever wrote and the only--sorry, it was the only fiction thing I ever wrote and the only non-fiction things I'd written were like, "I'll be back at eight," or the grocery list. [laugh]

Ryan: I have to say this: you are so cool!

Andy: [laugh]

PS: That's--and I'm just--

T: Yeah.

Ryan: That's the only thing I can possibly--

PS: I'm absolutely fascinated by this because--

T: Yeah.

PS: I'm the kind of writer [can't make the rest out because they're talking over each other]

Ryan: He's apologizing! "Hey, I'm so sorry [inaudible] I don't know your way of doing it, which sucks." We all do it the crap way and he's apologizing for not, like, learning our method.

PS: I mean, my drink is sitting on a stack of notebooks.

Andy: I never even went to kindergarten.

T: I've been writing since I was twelve and I wish I was that good.

Ryan: Someone think of a question to ask this poor man [inaudible]

PS: Well, what I wanna know is, when you started to write this, when you got the idea to write this incredible missing moment from year seven, did you have any idea that it was going to turn into what it is today?

Andy: It was a one-shot. Where it came from, where this whole mess came from, is I was in a band and the guy I was in a band with decided he wanted to do some wizard rock. And he--uh, I had been writing lyrics for the band, and he asked me, you know, "Would you read the series; would you write some lyrics for it?" And I said, "Sure," you know. And so I read through it. I had been kind of meaning to and kind of avoiding it because I actually... I'm about 5'8", kinda skinny--okay, really skinny, with messy black hair, glasses, and a honest-to-God lightning-shaped scar on the center of my forehead. I have been getting shit, okay? I've been getting shit for ten years!

Ryan: Sitting here, I'm like, "this sounds very familiar; I wonder if I should comment."

Andy: So I had kind of avoided it but always meant to read it, and I read through it, and I will admit I was not entirely impressed. But, you know, there it was. And I wrote some lyrics and there was one of them that he said, you know, "This is--this is bordering on a bad fanfiction; it's hitting too many tropes," and I was, "The hell? What's...you know, fanfiction?" And so we went to fanfiction.net and we spent about an hour pissing ourselves. Stuff like-- [all laugh] And then we came across this thing that was, like, Hermione and Snape and Lucius and BDSM and...so the next thing you know--

Ryan: Oh, you went to adult-fan-fiction.net.

Andy: No, we didn't. No, we didn't. This was on--this--I know now that it shouldn't have been there, but it was! [laugh] And so, "Oh my God, people write--Google, Google, Google. 'sex, Harry Potter, fanfiction.'" 'Cause we're just like, "Now it's gonna get weirder; now we can laugh harder. Go get the booze."

PS: [inaudible]

Andy: And that took me to The Quidditch Pitch, which had right on the front page, it had a challenge, the Rebirth Challenge, you know, write something, anything, on the theme of rebirth or renewal. And my mate, he was--"You know, you haven't written before; you haven't written anything before, but you speak English. So you could really knock the shit out of anyone in this fandom." [laughter] Please remember we had only spent an hour of random link-clicking on fanfiction.net. I know now that there are, you know, other people who speak English, but at the time... [laughter]

T: Sturgeon's Law, 90% of anything is crap.

Andy: Yeah. And then we--we--we were thoroughly in the PS toilet. So we had--I sat down and I thought, "Okay, rebirth, rebirth. What about the re--" Obviously the last book I'd read was Deathly Hallows, being the last in the series, and so I said, "Okay, what about the reformation of Dumbledore's Army?" And I wrote what became, uh, the first part of DAYD up until, uh, the end of really the first scene, when they--when Dumbledore's Army's officially reborn, you know?

PS: Uh-huh.

Andy: But before, before Neville and Ginny in his room. And that was about four thousand words, and I put it up, and...uh, I actually tied to win it, but I also got about nine billion e-mails saying, "You have to continue this!" And so I was like, "Okay," and I continued it with the next scene and, uh, at that point I was calling it the "Dumbledore's Army: Still Recruiting" series. And then within the end of the week it became clear I was gonna just have to write the whole year and that there was an audience for it. And so I finished it out; it took, altogether, including about a week off, it took about six weeks. Five actual writing, but six weeks total.

Ryan: Poufwanians, show of hands, who thought he was gonna say, "You know, writing the whole year, it took a week."

PS: I was--I did!

Andy: It took five weeks! It took five weeks!

PS: Even five weeks, I'm sitting here, I'm about to drop over dead.

Andy: It's actually longer than Order of the Phoenix. [laugh]

PS: Yeah.

Ryan: I don't even know what to say! Like, "I don't even take notes"...

Andy: And so, and--

Ryan: Yeah, keep going.

Andy: And people wanted more to that, so I wrote a few one-shots and about a month later I started "Sluagh". I was, you know, about, DAYD went faster because I was, uh, out of a job and out of a home at that time. I was writing at the public library. I was living out of my car. But then about a month into "Sluagh", I got a...I got a job, so things have slowed way down since, 'cause that's like forty hours a week plus.

Ryan: Yeah, you kinda gotta focus on that. And, um--

Andy: But I don't live in my car anymore, so I like--

Ryan: That's a good thing! That's a good thing! [laughter]

T: Yeah.

Ryan: I'm not on "Sluagh" yet; I'm going to Ireland.

[??]: We have to talk about fanny packs before you leave.

Andy: No you don't!

Ryan: Well, I have to carry all my touristy--

Andy: Listen to me, lad. Listen to me.

PS: Get a wallet.

Andy: Get-- You're getting a bumbag. Because, uh, a fanny pack is, at best, a personal act you would do with your wife. [record screech] You run around talking about your fanny pack and they're gonna be looking at you real funny.

[laughter]

Ryan: Who said I was gonna start-- "Hey, check out my fanny pack!"

Jen2: Why don't you just get a good backpack, you know, like a day bag...

Ryan: I already have one; I'm trying to make conversation.

PS: Oh, my word.

Ryan: I haven't gotten to "Sluagh" yet, but I'm actually going to--my aim is to read it on the plane, so by the time I land in Ireland I'll be scared shitless. [laughter] That's the game plan right now.

PS: When you land in Ireland, you will get off the plane. You will go directly to the ticket counter. You will buy a ticket back to the United States. [Andy continues to laugh]

Ryan: I'm gonna be hiding behind [D], who's like five foot six. I'll just hold her in front of me.

PS: You will hide behind [D] and you'll say, "I'm sorry, honey, I have to go home."

Ryan: Well, the thing was, I knew--I knew it was about Seamus and I knew, you know, it was about, "Seamus goes dark". Like, I knew that was the general, very, very general theme, and Neville has to go after Seamus. And I read--I read the synopsis, or the teaser, or whatever, the synopsis of "Sluagh", and I remember saying on the podcast it was, like, the coolest thing I've ever read in my life.

Jen2: It is; it's the coolest thing that I've ever read in my life as far as fanfic goes. But on the other hand, this story would break Poufwa.

Ryan: I was really excited! Then he puts up the YouTube preview with all of his artwork, and I sat on the couch and I, like, wet myself watching it, like, "Oh my God, this is awesome."

Jen2: Just imagine NC-17 rated fanfic for violence.

Andy: Yup. Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Jen2: For violence.

Andy: Yup, yup.

PS: I've never read NC-17 for violence.

Ryan: We giggle when we [inaudible]

Jen2: For situational violence and, you know, adult situations, the IRA, guns, mixed with Harry Potter fanfic and...just out and out, like, gushing brains. [Andy laughs] You know, from people being slaughtered.

Ryan: Now, let me just ask you a question. Is there-- There's a novel-length story after that one, correct?

Andy: Yes, "A Peccatis", I'm in the middle of writing it. Yeah, Ireland--Ireland is the country that invented distilled malt alcohol. We invented the idea of distilling hard liquor from grain. And it is not, in my opinion, a surprise that we also invented quite a few other things. [Andy’s accent is absolutely horrendous, so I can't make out most of the creatures he’s naming here here; sorry.] All kinds of lovely little creatures that you're gonna get to meet.

Ryan: I don't know what he just said, but it sounded really cool. Did anyone else get that? [Andy laughs]

PS: And I was just, ooh, you can do that again.

Ryan: I think he's actually reading me the shopping list.

Jen2: Okay, I'm gonna speak Poufwanian to you again. When I--when my mom was pregnant for me, she watched The Exorcist. She went to the movie and saw The Exorcist.

Ryan: Were you born in a theatre?

Jen2: No. But for the next week, she slept with the lights on and she wasn't, you know, able to eat or--not even slept, she was like...she wasn't able to move, she was so flipped out, freaked out; because it was--it just, it was so awful for her. She had that...I think my dad had to carry her out of the theatre because she was so freaked out. And then--

Ryan: I'm gonna land in Ireland in the fetal position on the plane.

Jen2: Yes. Yes. And so imagine being that freaked out--

Andy: I call it "the infamous chapter fifteen" because I pride myself on the fact that I have received eight separate reviews from people who have literally, not metaphorically, gotten physically ill.

Jen2: Yeah, it's pretty bad.

T: Okay, I've gotta read this one now.

Ryan: When your trilogy is released--now, is it going to be a trilogy, or will there be more?

Andy: No. It's--the point of it is it gets us all the way up to where Jo left it. But see, she made--it's a bit of a mess, 'cause to create a world where Voldemort could rise and where everything could fall on the shoulders of this one seventeen-year-old boy, she had to create a society that was pretty permanently screwed. And yet then she turns around and says, twenty years later, everything was fine. So what I'm doing is, I'm taking that interim time and "how did this society go from being that terminally screwed to actually workable?"

Ryan: I don't suppose Hermione was just a really great trial lawyer...

Andy: Well, she is actually a trial lawyer in this, but that's not enough.

Jen2: Did you just say, "tribal warrior"?

[laughter]

Ryan: I think I heard "tribal warrior", I dunno.

Andy: Trial lawyer, solicitor!

Ryan: Oh, solicitor, okay.

T: It's--it's a Poufwanian joke.

Ryan: When your trilogy is done--so you're done, the trilogy is on the shelf, "Here's my trilogy," and someone says, "Tell me about your trilogy," will you refer to the middle one as "the dark one", or will you refer to the middle one as "the one where it really starts getting dark--but for dark, see the third one." Like, how does--so I can get a flavor what's coming.

Andy: They're all very different in feel, honestly. It's almost influenced by, like, three separate authors. The first one was still very influenced by Rowling's style; I was trying to keep sort of the same feel, put me own twist on it. The second one, it really has a lot of King's influence, Stephen King, because I really like the way that he can bring the most absolutely bizarre metaphysical shit in, but he can bring the most bizarre metaphysical stuff in, and yet still it's completely believeable and it's completely in our world, and I really tried to hold that feel. "A Peccatis" is much more like Tom Clancy. It's very political; it's almost mur--well, it is murder-mystery. But it's very politically centered. Cardinal of the Kremlin type thing.

Ryan: I am so very excited about this.

PS: Yeah, it sounds great!

Ryan: Politics, cannibalism!

T: Yeah.

Andy: [laughs]

Ryan: No editing at all.

PS: You've got me and Ryan hooked!

Jen2: And you brought it up--

Andy: I'll make a DAYDian out of you yet, Ryan!

Ryan: I hate to tell you, but I think you just convinced PS to leave Mike!

Andy: [laugh]

Jen2: And you brought it up for me, so I don't have to bring it up, because I grew up and I loved Stephen King since I was probably eight when I was sneaking it off of my mom's bookshelf. So I noticed a lot of that sort of writing and bringing in--it felt like I was reading something that he had written.

Andy: Well, one thing that I admire about King is that he doesn't pull his creatures and all that out of his arse. It's-- Like 'Salem's Lot, he really goes back to the traditional stuff, the vampire, doesn't make them sparkle. But-- [laughter] And with "Slaugh", everything in it is grounded. The stuff you see in the real world, in the Muggle world with the IRA and the RHD, with Belfast--you can follow my directions in Belfast and you're going down the right streets. I wouldn't recommend that you go down those streets, but yes. It is, fair enough, set in 2003; things are better since then, but that's, that's all very real, the tattoos, the slogans, Kimberly Bar, all of it. The stuff you see with the Diabhal Dubh, with his creatures, with his dark army, with the [blah blah terrible accent--I did catch a mention of the Morrigan and the fae]--that's all very real. Well, real in that that's proper Irish myth; that's proper Celtic myth. And the stuff in Avalon with Sir Kay--

Jen2: Oh yeah, and--

Andy: [inaudible] That's real, too, so that--

Jen2: I'm big on Avalon, too, so I was really thrilled when I read that, 'cause I was like, "Yeah, he's really done his King Arthur/Avalon research," when you did that. I was really thrilled. Anyway. Go ahead.

Ryan: [inaudible, instrument trouble]

PS: Ooh, Ryan--

Andy: Ryan is Darth Vader!

PS: Ryan, you sound like a Dalek!

Ryan: [more instrument trouble]

PS: Still a Dalek.

T: Exterminate!

PS: Exterminate!

[Dalek sound clip]

Jen2: I remember, Andrew, when I was first reading this, I remember having a distinct feeling of reading IT, when you finally started getting to the chapters when Pennywise--when you're starting to figure out that Pennywise was bad.

T: Yeah.

Andy: Thank you!

Jen2: That's the way that I felt when I first started getting into the meat of "Sluagh", is that I was just so freakin' creeped out that I--but just like with IT, I was just such an avid reader and such a lover of King that it didn't matter how freakin' creeped out I was, I was just gonna keep flipping the pages even though I was totally disgusted and I wasn't sure I could read another word; I was still gonna keep going. That really, really made me feel that same way and that's why I was thinking, "This is really King-like."

Andy: Hopefully the Diabhal Dubh would make Voldemort crap himself. [laugh]

Jen2: [shuddery noise]

Ryan: I don't know if I'm still a Dalek, but very little makes Voldemort--

PS: No, you sound fine now!

Ryan: Your Voldemort was scary, but usually, as I often joke, Voldemort wears fluffy, pink pajamas because he is rarely scary in most of the canon work.

Andy: The Diabhal Dubh does not wear pajamas.

Ryan: I'm glad to hear that. Now, here's one question I have actually for Jen2 because as I said, I have not read "Sluagh" yet; you know, I will be reading it on my honeymoon. But the one question I have for Jen2 is, when you're judging "Sluagh", compare it to Grandma from, um, "Coven of Echoes". "'Sluagh' makes Grandma look like..." Complete the sentence.

Jen2: "Sluagh" makes Grandma look like Old Mother Hubbard.

T: Oh dear God.

Ryan: Okay, I'm ready for this. Now, there's one question I wanna ask, and usually this is our lame question that we start off every interview with, but usually [loses?] some focus. Now, you've listened to everything we've recorded; you've listened to all the prior episodes and you've listened to the first half of episode 87, which accompanies this episode. Usually when people listen to us talk about their stuff, they're literally banging both fists against the keyboard screaming, "You morons, it's on page six!" or some variation thereof.

T: You should have seen the chat room!

Ryan: Oh, I've heard about the chat room. Michael/Terry, Terry/Michael, I've heard. Now, what were you screaming at us, or what would you like to address on air now that you didn't get the chance to address?

Andy: Ah, a lot of creative expletives directed at he who is not here.

Ryan: Mike will be joining us hopefully at some point this evening. Mike is--

Andy: And I shall withhold me commentary on that until later.

(Kezza: Hello, and welcome to the editing room. This is Kezza! I'd just like to step in here and say that at this point, there was a dead silence from the hosting team because nobody knew quite what to say to that. The hosting team had already spent several minutes earlier in the evening defending Mike.)

Ryan: So we will leave the line open for Mike, should he return--

Andy: He's afraid of me!

Ryan: Mike has no earthly-- Like, Mike records the podcasts; he doesn't pay attention to any of the feedback from them. He just records the next one. He has, like, no idea there's even--

Jen2: No, he doesn't even ever listen to them! I asked him the other day, I said, "Have you listened to--" I don't even remember which one it was. "Mike, have you listened to (you know, hypothetically) 81?" He's like, "No! I was ON 81; I don't need to listen to it!"

Andy: He has no idea there is a lynch mob for him at DAYDverse comm.

Jen2: I said, "Mike, you have to listen to it!" Oh, I know which one it was--the popcorn episode! I'm like, "You actually have to listen to it because, you know, Ryan really ran me through the [runner?] on that one. It was kind of funny." And he was like, "Oh, yeah, what did he do?" And I explained to him and then, you know, of course, he didn't get it.

Andy: You know... You gotta talk to Mike. I mean, how old is he and he has problems getting a basic boob joke?

(K: In order to explain Mike's more unusual tendencies, they explained a previous panel cast.)

PS: "Ten Sure-Fire Ways to Cure the Common Cold."

Ryan: The theory is that Harry, I think, had a cold or whatever, so they're going through the top ten ways of curing it. Number ten--you know, one to ten--number ten being sex. And they said, "Well, let's just skip to number ten," and that's how the story ended. Mike could not figure it out 'cause you had to go in chrono--

Andy: It's single entendre only with that man, and yet he can bend himself around like a Chinese contortionist to try and make, you know, a loving and heroic event out of Snape chopping up kittens for dinner.

Ryan: He's actually really smart. Sometimes I'll talk to him and I'll think, "Oh my god, he's actually the smartest one in the room! We've been misjudging him all this time because we think he's, like, y'know, the simple guy in the room, the very innocent guy; he just doesn't get the big [inaudible]." But then there's something like, "He's actually smarter than I am or any of us, and he is so brilliant we just can't grasp what it is that he's saying." But then he'll, like, literally not know what salt is.

PS: He's never seen cows!

Ryan: So it's then you have to reconsider this entire damn theory that you've just...

Andy: Savant. Mike is a savant.

Jen2: And we love him.

Ryan: Sue right now, she just writes to me, "I love Mike!" And I write back, "There's a lot of that going around. Why?" Her response, "Episode 88."

(Kezza: True to form, Ryan used a Star Trek analogy to explain what we're about here at Poufwa and to move the conversation away from Mike because he wasn't there to defend himself. But Andrew just brought it back to Mike. And that's when they threw me into the line of fire.)

Ryan: Really, we are like the Starship Enterprise and we go to different planets every week, and on every planet everyone wears, like, you know, the alien outfit, where all the aliens wear the same thing 'cause it cuts down on the costuming. And you go there and they have, like, different laws and different things are important and it's like you don't quite fit in and you're not sure what the rules are, and then you leave at the end of the week and you go to a different planet. That's kind of like us. And we've had some very strange experiences in some of these different communities over the years. But I have to say, Andrew is the only person who's like, "I will be your ambassador! I will go in and translate for you!"

PS: You know, I--

Andy: They were lighting the pitchforks and sharpening the torches for Mike. They were, and they are, and I don't recommend he shows his face on--

Ryan: I was sending--

T: Yeah.

Ryan: I sent a message to Kezza. I'm like, "Kezza, I think you, like, blew up Andrew's community!" She's like, "What'd I do?" I'm like, "You said something awk--horrible! Horrible on the podcast!" She's like, "Ryan, I edited the podcast; I listened to it fifty times. What did I do? What did I say?" I'm like, "You called Michael 'Terry'." [Andy laughs]

T: Yeah.

Andy: See, there is, there is a--they call it on TVTropes an "Ensemble Dark Horse." Mike and Terry have developed their own, like, fan cult.

PS: I really like them; I like Michael and Terry and I ship Michael and Terry.

Andy: You like them. There are people who would, like, give a kidney.

Ryan: Well, I have to ask...and I mean no disrespect when I say this. Kezza got one of their names wrong. You killed them both. Should you not be more hated than we are?"

Andy: Yeah, but I'm God.

Jen2: So many buff young men!

Andy: I'm God.

(Kezza: But like any of us, I was happy to take a hit for Mike. Because it wasn't nice to say unkind things about Mike when he wasn't there. But I honestly think that they wanted Mike to show just so that they could have a fight, because [T] brought popcorn for that very purpose.)

T: Sorry, we were talking about looking forward to, you know, Andrew and Mike squaring off, so I knew I had to have popcorn.

(Kezza : At this point, I can't help but think that they're just there to pick on Mike. I guess we'll see what happens if Mike makes it on to the podcast.)

Andy: 'Cause Michael, lamb, I have some things things to bring up with ya’s.

Ryan: You know what, he may not show. He may not show. So why don't you jump into it.

T: At least I brought the popcorn. [Andy laughs]

Jen2: Well, maybe we can give you a good dose of, of Mike philosophy. It really takes somebody that has podcasted and lived with Mike, you know, in a medium like this for quite a while to start to understand and, um, appreciate his level of...

T: Crazy?

Ryan: No, not crazy.

Jen2: No, no. Crazy... No, he--his analytical sense is different and it... You almost have to appreciate it for what it is, because I would never think of some of the stuff that he does. And you just--it is what it is, and so...

Ryan: He frequently gets to the same place that you do, but he, like, drives through the woods to get there. You know what I mean? He drives the wrong way down the highway, but he still ends up at the same place. And I, I wish you guys... Next week in Episode 88, Mike will astound you. By chapter six of the Psychic Serpent trilogy, he's figured out the whole damn thing. And you just have to listen to it to [inaudible]

Andy: I challenge Mike to figure out who's the killer in "A Peccatis".

Ryan: He'll guess you, but he'll have a very good reason why you did it.

T: Do I have to mention Aletha again?

Ryan: Aletha could have been a Death Eater! We don't know; she could have been a Death Eater. But--

T: Oy.

Ryan: I guessed that Pansy--come on, I guessed that Pansy Parkinson was a garden gnome.

PS: Yeah, I mean, I even don't make guesses 'cause I know I'll be wrong. Mike has the courage to make guesses and I love him for it.

Ryan: And he's 80% of the way there and then he veers into a lake. That's usually his thing. But as far as 80% is a good [inaudible]

Jen2: And the other thing is that he has very strong opinions of the people that, that he likes, and--

T: [inaudible]

Jen2: Oh, come on now, [T], you know, everybody has the people that they care about in the fandom and--

PS: Yeah, I mean, look at me.

Ryan: Yeah, [T], look at--you really didn't like Lioness, and you wrote episode notes for Lioness which I couldn't use 'cause your opinion was so, like, loud on it. I mean, some people have, like...

Jen2: You know, everybody has--

T: It was a Snape/Hermione fic. Enough said.

Jen2: Yeah, but there are people--

PS: But some people like that!

Jen2 But there's a whole--

Ryan: But some people like that. You have to be respectful of the fact that--

T: [inaudible]

Jen2: Yeah, there's a whole section--there's a whole huge section of the fandom that thinks, you know, Snape/Hermione makes the world go around. So we have to respect that.

T: My head...

Andy: When you start reading a fic, you're agreeing with the author to let them take you down a story, down some directions, to give you a point of view--or point of views if they choose to go back and forth between different characters--and it is frust-- You're giving them the driver's, the wheel. You're letting them steer. You're agreeing to go for the ride. Now, it is your right, of course, at any time, to hit the back button, close the screen, close the book, to get out, but you are letting them drive. And it felt like, very often, Mike was more concerned with being a backseat driver and determining that it would go in directions that pleased his take of the characters than he was with actually being interested in the story itself and the trip itself.

Jen2: And I think that's also, too, because as a host, having to read it...if it's something that doesn't suit you or something that you may not technically start to read and then think that it's not for you...because--

T: What?

Jen2: Because we read it and commit to reading it, you know, to give our opinions--

PS: There's plenty of things I'd have hit the 'back' button on, like you said, if I didn't have to read it in my role as a host here.

Jen2: So I think that what he does is that, even if he doesn't like it, I think that he genuinely thinks about things from an analytical point of view, and he thinks about talking points and things to bring up so that it, it makes discussion happen.

PS: Oh, and he didn't--he didn't dislike it. He didn't not like it. I know we--

Andy: I don't think he did. I mean, I don't think he didn't like it. It was just frustrating sometimes, some of the contortions that he went through trying to make Snape--

PS: That is the way he looks at everything.

Jen2: And that is just--that's what I'm saying. That is something that you just have to spend some time getting to know Mike because...I might have said the same thing when I had known Mike for two or three or five months, and now I think it's the most lovely, adorable thing about him.

PS: He looks--he looks at my writing that way.

Andy: It was just frustration, you know. If Seamus is irredeemable because he was willing to kill someone who tried to murder his friend and commander, then why is Snape redeemable when he was equally willing to see James and Harry die--for a woman who had rejected him?

Ryan: Yeah, on some level, too, some of it I think is the internet. On some level, I think it's just--you are a podcast host and you are entertaining people and in that position, you would expect everyone to, you know, read that scene and think, "Oh my god, this is, you know, this is the burden that Seamus is taking on himself, and this is what the impact on canon is of that decision," you know, assuming--

Andy: Hell, yes, it's morally grey. Yes.

Ryan: Yeah, so, you get in there and you look at that, and 99% of the people who read that are gonna have a very similar reaction. You know, it's tragic, you know, I think [inaudible] at the time had said, "Look what you have Seamus now [inaudible]"

Andy: He's gonna cross a whole lot more [inaudible] as a poster child for PTSD.

Ryan: It's literally taking something out of him to do this, and it adds also another layer to the story. You read through the canon and you thought you knew why Snape died. Now here comes this guy named Andrew, and look what he added to it, so now you're wondering, "What's the fact that--"

Andy: It opens questions about fate; it's the Oedipal question. Would Snape have died already and Seamus's action was irrelevant? Was he confirming and solidifying fate? What was-- Or did he cause it?

PS: I thought it was a pretty interesting twist, myself; I mean, I really enjoyed that twist. I mean, I didn't get to be on any of the episodes, so I'm saying that now, but I enjoyed the twist.

Ryan: Yeah, it's one of the things about fanfiction; it's the road not traveled, now you--

PS: Yeah, but I loved being able to say, "Ooh!" like that, because, I mean, the one he betrayed was Voldemort, so--

Ryan: Exactly, exactly.

PS: "Ooh!"

Ryan: And usually what we'll have is, we'll have, you know, the five hosts are perfectly in lock-sync on that one, and then we have the other host who thinks, "I can't believe he did that to poor Snape!" And that's just the difference of opinion that you get. So--

T: Hmmm.

Ryan: Sometimes you have to... You have to have difference of opinion sometimes, or else you have a podcast where--

T: I know!

Ryan: --five people say, "That's wonderful!" and then you move on and there's nothing to talk about.

Andy: I think that Snape felt that he was justified in everything he did, with that including trying to behead the DA, so to speak, by killing Neville because it's in the name of keeping the peace. If they wanted to, they could stop the rebellion at any time, and as long as there's a rebellion in the school, then the school is not safe. The school is not in danger. I think he could have justified himself perfectly well that he was carrying out Dumbledore's actions by attempting to crush the rebellion as hard as possible. And if that meant that Neville Longbottom has to go, then that's Neville's choice; that's Neville's own fault; he brought it down upon his own head. And let's just not consider the fact that he already loathes and despises Neville because it should have been the Longbottoms instead of the Potters.

Ryan: So that's interesting 'cause that's one of the questions that we had in the first one--

Jen2: Right.

Ryan: --how hard was he really trying? So in your mind, Snape was absolutely, full-throat going toward annihilating Dumbledore's Army as a way to keep the peace.

Andy: I mean, and the further it went in the rebellion, and every day that he had to, you know, write in to the boss and say, "Nope, still in rebellion, still not king!" meant that every day that there was further rebellion was another day that Snape--that his position was in jeopardy.

PS: You wanna pick up Mike, 'cause he just got home.

Ryan: Yeah, Mike is available, I see.

T: [chuckles]

Ryan: Hey, Mike, you there?

PS: Mike! Mikey, Mikey, Mike! Hello?

Ryan: Let's actually keep this for next time Jen2 has popcorn; I can use the sound effects. Mike?

Jen2/PS: [laugh]

T: I got popcorn; anybody want some?

[At this point, there are some technical issues with picking up Mike's call. Jen2 asks if anyone wants to hear "the hooker story" and they do, so the hosts digress for a couple minutes. By the time Mike is able to pick up, Andy's call has dropped. After a minute or two, they get him back.]

Andy: Hello there. Hello.

PS: There's Andrew; he's Irish.

Ryan: Luckily for yourself, you weren't here to hear what just happened.

Mike: What happened?

PS: You were THERE, Mike!

Andy: Last I heard, Jen2 was a whore. [In reference to "the hooker story".]

[laughter]

Mike: That's not true!

Ryan: No, it really is, Mike; you missed a bit.

Mike: I don't believe that.

Ryan: All right. Now our favorite part of the podcast will resume. Now, we asked--Mike, just to catch you up, Andrew doesn't take notes; he just writes and publishes and hits 'Enter'. The story is written first draft; that's what you see. We covered that. And, um--

T: And it is awesome.

Ryan: Jen2 is a whore; we did that. And, um, [T]'s a fanboy; we did that. And--

T: I am not a fanboy.

Ryan: You are such a fanboy! Can I tell you, I had to edit out part--just for time, I edited out the very part of Episode 87, but it was basically, [T] was so excited to have Andrew on the podcast I almost put the "Turn Around" music in.

T: Oh, come on!

Andy: [T]--[T]--

Ryan: Things [T] says--he's so excited to be here.

Andy: [T], you're coming to DAYDcon; you're a fanboy.

J2: Yeah, you are wetting yourself to be here tonight.

Mike: [laughs]

Ryan: He's like Jerry Espenson from "Boston Legal", he's doing the little hop down the hall. He's, like, so excited to be here, it's hysterical. And, um, now, I asked Andrew, I'm like, "Andrew, obviously when you listen to the podcast, there's things you wish you could say to us, but we're not there, and so here you are now. Tell us what you wanna say." And he's like, "Bring me Mike."

[laughter]

Ryan: Andrew, Mike. Mike, Andrew.

Mike: I just wanna--I have so many questions for him today, too; I can't believe I--

Ryan: I think he has a couple comments for you first, though, dude, so let's let him start. Andrew, take it away.

Mike: Go for it.

Andy: Two questions: What kind of lube do you prefer, and how do you see that Snape is a sweetheart when it is written that far up on the inside of your own colon.

Mike: [laughs]

Ryan: Mike, do you require a translator?

Mike: I do, actually.

[Record screech]

Andy: Your opinion of Snape is found with your head up your posterior orifice.

(Kezza: Yes, Andrew did just tell Mike that his head was shoved up his own backside. I must say, I'm impressed with the fact that Mike completely ignores the insult.)

Mike: I mean, are you telling me that you wrote Snape there to be a bad guy and not a good guy? Is that what you're saying?

Andy: [incredibly condescending voice] Yeeees.

J2: Yeees.

Mike: So wait, then how do you-- But that seems so odd to me because most of your book seems so fitting with canon, and in canon we know--

Andy: It is. In canon, we also know that Snape is someone who will kill a child's pet to make a point. In Snape, we know that canon [yes, that is what he says] is someone who would have a woman who rejected him's entire family murdered so that he could have her--and by the way, there is a word for having a woman when she has told you "no", and that word is, "rape". And we know that he is, overall, an exceedingly unpleasant M-O-F-O. And we know that under Voldemort's reign, every day the students were in rebellion was a day that Severus Snape could be removed from his position and in fact a day that Voldemort could decide he didn't really like Snape overall and/or question his loyalty. So it was entirely within canon and within reason for Snape to believe that any means necessary to crush that rebellion were--

Mike: What about his oath to Dumbledore?

Andy: His oath to Dumbledore was to protect the students. The students brought that upon themselves. And it is protecting them to keep the students from Voldemort's direct supervision. So any time they wanted to, they could have stopped the rebellion. And Dumbledore himself sacrificed people when necessary, so Snape's actions to try to behead the rebellion were perfectly in keeping with Dumbledore's own history.

Mike: Well...no offense, but that's not the reading I got from Year of Darkness at all.

Andy: And you are welcome to take from it any reading you want, and I am welcome to think that you are reading it from a cranio-rectal inversion.

[Record screech--seems to indicate that something was cut here]

Ryan: All right. Now, Mike, fire up one of your questions.

Mike: I was wondering if you could just elaborate to your mind a little bit more on what Neville thinks of Harry by the end of the story? And also [inaudible]

J2: Ahh, that is good--

Mike: --writing a Harry story. Like a Harry-centric story.

Andy: Harry's story's already been told.

[Awkward pause]

Mike: Well, not--not the story that's already been told, but like the opposed--

Andy: I have--I have written the second novel, "Sluagh", which involves a lot of interaction between Neville and Harry on exactly that topic, and "A Peccatis" involves even more, and in fact it involves an extended exploration of their parallel roles as the Chosen and Almost-Chosen One and their various experiences during the war and how they are going to come to terms with that and each other and Dumbledore as well.

Mike: What--what is your thought on Harry, then, out of curiosity? Can you tell us a little bit about what you think of Harry?

Andy: I have no particular opinion on Harry whatsoever. He is who he is and what he is. I don't have any favorite characters or less favorite characters. There are people that I think are, you know, assholes, like Snape [laughs] but I don't have a favorite character or a less favorite character.

Mike: Well, a less favorite character than Neville, for example?

Andy: No, he isn't, was just the best character to tell the story from.

Mike: Excellent. That [inaudible]

Ryan: How do you view the contrasting characters at that point in the storyline, Neville and Harry?

Andy: I think that they were in completely different situations. You know. Neville is getting ready to start a battle and Harry is continuing his mission and the two do not mesh. They're not entering the situation in the same point of view at all. So of course, of course there's a bit of a clash, a bit of a screeching of brakes, and a reshuffling of what's going on from his point of view; it's exactly the same.

[having some more minor technical issues]

Ryan: Jen2? PS?

PS: Um...

Jen2: I think over the course of the conversation, most of mine have already been answered.

PS: Yeah, mine, too.

Ryan: Mike, do you have 73 questions collated, ready to go?

Mike: Can we get your opinion a little bit on Ron, 'cause I thought your Ron--we only see him very briefly, but even just that brief sketch, I was very interested in him. I don't know if he comes into your later stories much, but I'd be a little--

Andy: He does; he does. In fact, he gets eaten.

Mike: Did you just say he gets eaten? Like, what?

Andy: Yes, e-a-t-e-n.

Mike: How could he be eaten, 'cause he's alive nineteen years later, isn't he?

Andy: You'll have to read through the whole thing.

Jen2: You have to read the whole damn thing.

Mike: All right, all right.

Ryan: Now, I have a question: did your Gran by any chance have to take some sort of military starter course?

Andy: She was the first woman in the Auror department.

Ryan: Oh, okay. Gran is an Auror; I like that.

Andy: That's why she was so proud of Frank and so hopeful toward Neville.

Mike: I was all set to start complimenting you on how, like, what a tragic moment it is when Seamus [mispronounces the name] goes to, um, Ireland.

Jen2: Seamus.

Ryan: We apologize. Seamus, Seamus.

Mike: Ah, thank you.

Andy: Seamus. Cornelius. Patrick. Finnegan.

Mike: Yeah, in the first [inaudible], I thought that was the most tragic moment of the whole story.

Andy: Oh, it is, it is. It's really where he crosses an irrevocable line that takes him a long, long way towards the edge of the--

Mike: That's not why I thought it was tragic.

Ryan: Hold on--wait...

Mike: I thought it was tragic because he cursed Snape and you're like, you know, "Oh my god, he doesn't realize what's going on and he cursed the good guy, the hero of the story!"

Jen2: Oh, Mike...

[Inaudible--Ryan seems to try to pull things back]

Andy: And how is Seamus being willing to condemn Snape unforgivable if Snape being willing to condemn James and Harry--Harry, by the way, being a one-year-old child--is not?

Mike: I think you misunderstand Snape's central character.

T: Answer the freaking question.

(Kezza: I'm sorry, listeners--I'm not going to edit anymore.)

Andy [later, reading a prepared statement]: Not everyone's going to see eye to eye in all things, in all characters, all the time, and that's what makes the world, not just the comm, go round. I have the right to stand up for my opinions about the characters in the story, but so, too, Mike had the right to his own opinions. And while it was well for me to disagree with him, even strongly, I got a bit carried away and gave too much voice to the infamous Irish temper. I always speak my mind. With that comes responsibility, and tonight I'm responsible for [inaudible] a quarrel. Debate is one thing, but there was no call for invective, imprecation, and insult, and for that I wish to apologize not only to Mike, but to Ryan, the other hosts, and the Poufwa listeners. I'm incredibly honored that you not only chose to cover, but so greatly enjoyed my story. Hopefully there will be no hard feelings and we can all continue to coexist peacefully, not only in our communities and subfandoms, but in the larger fandom we all enjoy. Thanfiction. Over and out.

[Ends 2:24:14]

EDIT 4/6/15 - I’ve just now realized that Andy was saying his fucking username at the end of his fauxpology, but his fake accent was so bad that I thought he’d said, “fanfiction”.

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