Brittana Valentine’s Semi AU (Updated Daily Until Valentine’s Day) February 12, 2017
A bit of a shorter chapter. Excuse me while I tie up some loose ends. Until tomorrow!
February 12, 2017
Santana knew that at moments like this, the most logical thing would be to give Brittany space. She wasn’t being as strict with herself as she should have been, and the night before proved it. As much as she’d tried to deny it to herself, they’d almost kissed, and after the moment on the balcony, they’d spent the rest of the evening nearly cuddled up on the couch. They weren’t nearly as bad as Sugar and Jane, but Santana was sure she’d caught a couple of trademarked Mercedes-Jones-is-judging-you looks.
She probably should have left Brittany alone. But the deadline her brain had decided on (Valentine’s Day), was fast approaching, and she didn’t want to be left without a plan. She’d crossed off most of the date ideas on her list, but there were a few left, and hopefully, they would be enough to really wow Brittany. That’s what she hoped anyway.
So, she may have found herself pestering Jane for Brittany’s whereabouts, and then may have packed a lunch for her, and may have put on the expensive perfume that she got from Rachel in a package last Christmas, but she had to put in some kind of effort didn’t she? Jane’d told her that Brittany had a study group that met once a month in the library, and Santana made her way there to find her. Anyway, it was only to ask her if she had plans for Valentine’s Day, and nothing else.
Right.
The stacks at the campus library were pretty impressive. Santana had been to the campus many times considering Brittany had gone there throughout her school career (all the way up to her PhD). Sometimes, she’d find her there studying, and Santana would do just like she was doing that day: pack her a lunch, and go for a visit. More often than not they’d find a quiet nook and spend the rest of the “study session” making out. It wasn’t really good for Brittany’s productivity, so she made Santana stop visiting the second year of her grad studies.
She walked in the familiar hallways, heading towards the door that the very helpful (and totally checking her out) librarian had directed her to. She knew that Brittany’s study thing wouldn’t last much longer, so she picked an empty study room nearby, taped a ‘do not disturb’ sign to the front, and unpacked the lunch. She’d even gotten one of those checkered tablecloths that you always saw in movies. She spread it out over the table and set the dishes she brought on top.
She couldn’t wait until Brittany saw it. She’d always picked that day to tell Brittany about her new job. The job meant stability, and it meant less of a chance of her disappearing at a moment’s notice. Of course, Santana had no intention of leaving, but she was still trying to figure out a way of convincing Brittany of that. She’d done well for herself in a week. First the apartment and now the job. She might have something to offer Brittany after all.
When she was satisfied with the job she’d done, she turned on the electric candles (she hadn’t brought real ones because they were in a library and she wasn’t stupid), and went in search for Brittany. The classroom they were supposed to have been in was empty save for a few students on their way out. She recognized one from the musical performance the other day, and waved her over.
“Hey, hi. I’m looking for Dr. Pierce. Is she around?”
The girl looked unsure for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, um, we finished up a little early, and she had to go talk to some guy.”
“Some guy?”
“Yeah.” She gestured towards a closed door. “They’re in there. He didn’t look happy, but that’s none of my business.”
Santana thanked the girl, and went to the door. She could faintly hear Brittany’s voice behind the door as she approached, and suddenly she heard another voice.
“Really, Brittany? I mean, what did you expect?” Said the voice in a measured calm that Santana found strangely unnerving.
It was Clark. It had to be him. She’d only heard him say a few words, but who else could it be? She swallowed hard. Of course she shouldn’t be listening to this conversation. The best thing for her to do would have been to walk away. Let them figure out their problems on their own. It wasn’t her business. And yet… Her feet stayed glued to the floor.
“Clark, I’m not saying that I don’t care about you. I’m just saying there are a lot of things happening right now and I just need you to be patient.”
“I have been patient, Brittany. Do you think I don’t know that you two are out there together? I know you have friends in common. I know that you see each other. Don’t deny it.”
“I’m not denying anything!”
“Have you ever thought about what I want in all this? About what might be fair to me? I’m not a selfish person, Brittany, but I don’t like being made a fool of.” There was a moment where Santana was sure that she heard Clark’s voice crack, but he cleared his throat. “I really like you, Brittany. I think you’re an amazing person. You don’t deserve to be with a person who hurt you so badly. I know how she treated you, I know how she abandoned you. I can’t believe you would even consider giving her the time of day!”
The words hit Santana full on. How much had Brittany told him about what had happened between the two of them? She tasted bile in the back of her throat. She felt angry, but she mostly felt ashamed. Ashamed of what she’d done, and what she was still asking Brittany to do. Sure, she didn’t like Clark, but he was right. If someone treated one of her friends the way they were treating him, she would have kicked their ass.
“It's not about you. It's not that simple, okay?” Brittany responded.
“Well, why don't you explain it to me, Brittany?”
His voice should have sounded angry, but to Santana, it just sounded sad.
“Do you love her, Brittany?” Clark’s voice cut through again.
There was a long silence, and Santana couldn’t listen anymore. Whatever Brittany said, she wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was how long she’d waited, but what if what they’d had couldn’t be repaired? What if all the fancy dates, and picnics, and musical numbers couldn’t solve it? What if Brittany broke up with Clark, and Santana still somehow let her down? She could feel herself spirling, and tried to take a few steadying breaths, but her breath kept coming out more and more shallow.
Santana took a step back from the door right as it swung open, and she was face to face with Clark. His eyes were dark, and his face red. His eyes went wide, then his face relax, as if he’d been expecting her.
“Of course it’s you. You’ll have to excuse me, Santana, I’m in no mood to play third wheel tonight. See you later, Brittany.”
He brushed past Santana, and she saw the look on Brittany’s face. She wasn’t in the mood to talk about this either, and for the first time in a long time, they were on the same page.
“Sorry, Britt, I’ve gotta go.” Santana turned and walked towards the classroom where she’d set up their lunch.
To her surprise, as she gathered up dishes and dinnerware, Brittany was right behind her.
“How much of that did you hear?”
“What?”
“C’mon, Santana, don’t act innocent with me. You didn’t just happen to walk up to the door when Clark was coming out.”
Santana sped up the packing, throwing caution to the wind, and not minding if packages were closed before throwing them into her bag.
“Santana, Santana, stop.”
Brittany walked in, and placed a gentle hand on Santana’s arm. It was light, but enough to bring Santana out of her spiral. She took a deep breath.
“Do you love me, Brittany?”
Brittany cocked her head. “What kind of question is that?”
“It’s the same one he asked you. I didn’t hear you respond.”
“I thought we weren’t going to do this to each other, Santana.” Brittany rubbed her temples.
“Do what? Ask questions that matter? Actually talk about the things that are bothering us?”
“No! Make demands. Ask everything of the other person. Santana, you came back less than two weeks ago. If you expect me to know-”
“It’s not just about this” Santana said, gesturing between the two of them. “It’s about what we could be. It’s about deciding if what happened is going to decide what’s next for us.”
“Santana, you apologized to me just last night! It takes time to process stuff like that. It’s not an on/off switch.”
“So, what did you tell Clark?”
“Tell him about what?”
“When he asked if you still loved me. What did you tell him?”
Brittany paused for another moment, and looked at Santana carefully.
“I will always love you, Santana. That’s not the question.”
“Then what is the question?” Santana asked quietly.
“The question is can I trust you. Can I trust you not to break my heart again?”
“And what do you think?”
“I want to trust you. I really do. I think we’ve both established how much we missed each other. I didn’t just miss hanging out with you, Santana. I missed hanging out with you and everyone else. I missed making little jokes that only you heard, or hearing you bickering with Rachel, or doing impromptu duets with Mercedes. I missed living with you, and having you wake me up in the morning with kisses, and I just miss you, Santana.”
But is it enough?
The question hung in the air unsaid. They were both having the same doubts, the same questions. It was the one thing they couldn’t shake. Maybe it was too late. Maybe the damage was already done.
Santana folded up the tablecloth, and placed it in her bag.
“I just really wish…” She trailed off, and thought for a moment. “I just really wish I had come here when you asked me.”
Brittany nodded, her throat too tight with tears to do anything else.
Santana put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a small shake. “I’ll be here, Britt. When you make up your mind.”
Brittany nodded again, and then Santana was gone.
This is a fic that will update everyday until Valentine’s Day 2017. To truly enjoy please put on (Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You’ve Been Gone by Aretha Franklin. :P
