Pt 3
I skipped out on a lot of details in my last posts, however I feel like I'm at a good point where I can start to focus on the light and the good that God is doing through this bad situation. Once I realized that this was actually an answer to quite a few prayers that I've been praying about for the last year or so I became very thankful that I have finally reached this point, and how much it rekindled the love in my heart for god. Which for a few months became a bit dull on my side. I wasn't praying nearly as much as I should have been, I wasn't reading outside of church and Bible study, I wasn't doing the things that really maintain and grow my relationship with our heavenly father. My spiritual health was not where it should have been and it was really taking a toll on the rest of my life. It wasn't just affecting my mental and even physical health to a degree, but it was also affecting my personal relationships with the people I love the most.
Through that time I still loved god very much and once I realized that it was because I wasn't taking care of my spiritual health and that's why my mental health took a terrible toll on me, and I went through some serious spiritual warfare during this time. I had to sink really low to be reminded how much I need god and the only way to get better mentally was through him. So after having some really bad anxiety attacks and just total break downs I was just done. I was so tired of this happening, so tired of being miserable, and stuck in my own head, I just started praying to God begging him to help me, talking to him about all my anxieties, fears, and how awful I felt. Telling him how sick I am of being depressed and anxious and that through him I just want to get better. I was Asking him for comfort and thanking him for always listening to me and always being there for me.
Of course I didn't expect god to cure me instantaneously right then and there and that I would have to be patient and just keep praying about it.
God worked the answer to my prayer into the events that happened last week. I needed all that to happen so my sister and I could realize that our mental health problems stem a lot from growing up in a mentally abusive home caused by alcoholism and that going to counseling for that and learning more about it will be really good for us. We also learned how to cope better with my mom, because alcoholics tend to be manipulative and they lie a lot, which knowing that I know not to feed into it and it saves me a lot of heart ache. It also brought me a lot closer to my one older sister and to my boyfriend, who has been so loving and supportive through all of this, and God has really blessed me with such amazing support. Along with bringing us together it's really been pushing us (in a good way) to take the next step in our relationship. We have been talking about marriage and getting engaged for a year and it's only been because of my mom not giving her blessing that we aren't engaged right now. My boyfriend has had the ring since like November and was going to propose in December but ended up not doing it because he wanted to respect my parents. However now we know that my mom saying no is only because that's her being controlling and selfish and not actually wanting what's best for me, which makes her blessing a bit irrelevant. So as of right now we are looking at apartments and trying to work out financially whether we should elope, or plan a very small wedding, which is not ideal but we all came to the conclusion that it's better for me not to live with my parents for very much longer. But I am very excited to finally be moving on and taking complete ownership of my own life. So, definitely praying that it won't be a complete war zone when my parents find out that I'm moving.
On another note, after the events that took place last week the messages being taught at church and in my Bible study for the last couple of months all really started to come together. It's like god had been preparing me for this particular storm, really speaking to my heart and giving me so much wisdom and I am so thankful. I remember one cermon specifically that talked about how we all have mountains that we need to be moved and at the time I was repressing all the hurt and was in a bit of denial, so I couldn't think of what my mountain is and it became so crystal clear on Monday I had a nice long prayer and meditation session and god spoke to me. I finally knew that starting my own life, getting help, and letting go of everything that has been holding me back was my mountain. Moving out of this house and totally trusting in God to provide for me, and that I just had to be a little bit more patient and keep praying.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.