#prayersforwisdom

[scbibhouse]

Acquainted with grief

31 Jan 2019

Hello Rod,

I imagine that you have welcomed Patricia into your world now. You know I’m in FL and will today start to put some semblance of a plan together for her funeral. As the attorney said at my Mom’s funeral « she was the brains of that outfit »..same thing here in FL with Trish’s family. But...I have experience in funeral planning and life of the survivor afterwards, so I can and will help. You also are aware that Angela your dear sister is likely coming to join you soon as she is now under hospice care. I will go see her while I’m here in FL. Welcome her home my dear.

Happy new year 2020..not the way I would have chosen to start this one off.

The sone from Messiah keeps coming to my mind...

Isiah 53:3 King James Bible

« He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not »

I am certainly not to be compared with Jesus Christ..I only take the part about ending a « person of sorrows and acquainted with grief « . That’s who I am today. I know I should be rejoicing that there’s a new name written down in Glory...and of course I know that. Selfishly, I miss Patricia, I miss you Rod, I miss my parents, I miss all those I hold dear and every funeral just brings that all up again. Tears are a necessary relief valve. Time will not change or heal « it », only I can change.. »it » death or whatever the situation will not change.

Father God,

I ask for strength, wisdom, compassion, patience and all of the other blessings I will need to be of maximum service to You and my family. Thank You Father for my time with Patricia and our special close relationship. She was a gem among gems. Bless her in her new mission.

Amen,

Sarah

[scbibhouse]

Close enough to perfect for me...

16 June 2019

Father’s Day. You were a good father to your sons Rod. I’m sure not perfect during the drinking years, and not perfect during the sober years either. You were human, no one among of us is perfect. You were close enough to perfect for me. I long to feel your loving caress, hesr your voice, taste your kisses, smell your scent, collapse in your protective embrace...Hélas, that won’t happen...it will soon be 9 months.. still surreal. Now more than ever, I pray for strength, pray for wisdom, pray for God to bless you, Thank God for our time together, Thank God for all the things you taught me..I miss you Rod. You’ll always be the love of my life. Always.

Happy heavenly Father’s Day Rod and Dad.

[scbibhouse]

21 April 2019

He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed! And this year is special in this time-space continuum. Here on earth, me and my fellow Christians celebrate this most important event, and I ask God to bless you all. Not sure what happens in Heaven except that I know My Rodney is with Him too. For my friends who are not Christians, I ask God to bless you too. For all who are hurting today, I ask God to bless us all. I will Always be your wife and Princess Rod. Always. Music will always be a part of us, devinely inspired. You will always be the live of my life. Always. I ask God to bless you Rodney. Always.

[scbibhouse]

‘‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” ALT

10 March 2019

Time just keep marching on Rod. So much has been going on with my new job and the move to France. This weekend it all came crashing in..back into grief and grief symptoms big time. I finally determined the best time to go to KY to see everyone is now..leaving on Tuesday the 12th of March, doing a whirlwind trip to see as many family as possible, then coming back here to Greenville to pack up for a month long business trip to France and Japan and arriving back in Greenville to pack up and move to Grance around the 1st of May. It has been stressful arranging it and even more stressful starting to do it. The trip to KY, even though short, had been particularly stressful and I think my brain connects the dots and knows that the destinations include Camp Nelson and it throws me into major grief symptoms of lack of focus and scatter-brained. It is not like me at all, and I don’t like it. At the same time that I should be packing, I seek comfort in old TV reruns with happy endings, eating comfort foods and vegging out. I liken my behavior to a fly buzzing around, liting everywhere, not staying long..a friend described it as a feather in the wind...however it is described, it’s definitely a feeling of being out of control. I pray, I seek to recognize His guidance and His intuitive thought..through the tears sometimes I see, sometimes I don’t. As I watch the photos stream by in the television screen, I remember when we were having them taken about this time a year ago. We both knew you weren’t well, but I sure didn’t know that within 6 months of taking those beautiful photos you would be gone. I really miss you Rodney. Love of my life. Yesterday, I opened your jewelry box I go you in Hawaii. I touched your things..my stomach knotted up and I had to close the box. I don’t want the movers to move your things..I want them just as you left them..I hope I can make them understand this.

Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best concerning Love: In Memoriam A. H. H. OBIIT MDCCCXXXIII: 27. BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

I envy not in any moods

The captive void of noble rage,

The linnet born within the cage,

That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes

His license in the field of time,

Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,

To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,

The heart that never plighted troth

But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;

Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

I ask God to bless you Rodney. We indeed did experience true love, that rare gift from God. We, we had it and no one can ever take that from me. I will be forever grateful for our love. I would do it all again today, and in fact I make that decision daily to continue loving you even though your body is no longer here, you remain right behind me eyes.

[scbibhouse]

I will never be the same

7 Jan 2019

Well Rod, We’ve almost finished the cruise and it was nice. Today we went to St Thomas and I had so many memories of you and I here back in the early 1990’s and you bought me a beautiful ring. My stomach was in knots this morning as me and my sister walked around the shopping areas. The sight of sparkly shiniy things just turned me stomach. I didn’t want any of it..you were not here and it just lost its luster. It will never be the same Rod. Never. You’ll always be the love of my life.

I have been cleared to go back to work as if 7 January. They know I’m not there and I’ll figure out how to manage next Next week. Brave new world.

Father God,

I thank you for the comfort you and the Holy Spirit have provided for me. I thank you for this trip and safe travels. I thank you for sharing some new information on health and my sister’s open mind to try a new way of life. Father I ask that you send your spirit to me to witness unto me what is truth and give me the power to carry out Your will. I ask for Wisdom.

Amen,

Sarah

[scbibhouse]

The foundations for the foundation

28 Dec 2018

Good morning Rod, it’s 5:30am as I type this on the body, rolling about 1000 miles up the Amazon. It’s been a fun adventure with my sister and we’ve had some good talks together and we’ve seen some amazing things, and more are lined up..you know me, see as much as I can! That part of me hasn’t changed!

I miss you Rodney now more than ever. I’m approaching the end of the year 2018 and into the new year 2019...thinking about our past years when we took this time of year to share our dreams, our successes, our challenges, and then update our timelines for our future. I don’t have the paper version of “the plan” with me to update. My timeline no longer has the same meaning. My goals of 2018 I didn’t complete pail in comparison to the experience of losing you Here on this earth. I have talked to Patricia and said I wanted to share goals this year. It will be another new experience and I’m forcing myself to do this..to commit to doing things without you here beside me, without you to laugh with, without you to share in accomplishment, without you to plan our future. I will write the list and strive to keep the same spirit Rod, I will keep you as an “is” and now a “was” in this process too. I think it will also be a new experience for Patricia. Intuitively, i know it’s part of my healing process, so I will do it and it may help her too.

I have used some of the time in the Spa like you did Rod, to ask God to send his spirit to me and witness unto me what is truth. I have asked Him “what now”, what is my mission now that you are no longer with me here on earth and I no longer need to get you where you need to go”. I have had many thoughts that came to me..all about the foundation, all about helping people with natural healing. Still keeping the Art work in the park as a major theme, adding to this Practicing and teaching the arts of growing fruits and vegetables naturally, raising goats, making cheese, soap, butter, canning, pickling. Selling things in a gift shop or maybe even having an organic truck garden to sell from a roadside stand..Also keeping with the theme of adding the natural healing of essential oils and massage, acupuncture, yoga, meditation trail almost like a clinic but without a doctor or drugs. So many ideas...it can add up quickly for financing needs, and even more quickly for time and project organization needs..is that my new purpose God? I continue to pray about I and ask for intuitive thought to guide me. I just wanted to share it with you Rod today. All the things we discussed and planned for this foundation are still there..I’ve just gotta decide it plans to do it are “on or off”..it will take a lot of work. I have to decide with God if that is what I want/need to do with my remaining time on this earth.

Father God,

Thank you for all of our goal sharing habits of the past that have prepared me to take this step of setting new goals without my Rodney. Thank you for the intuitive thought to share goals with my sister and provoke her to think about her own goals and specifically goals to improve her health and lose weight. Thank you that she is open to the new information on obesity and I ask that you give her the strength to act on it to give her body an opportunity to heal itself. Father I thank you for all of the many blessings in my life, for the 35+ years with my Rodney, for the good relationships with Chris and Matthew, for a good job, for this medical leave of absence, for loving friends and family, for safety of travels in this incredible trip with my sister, for the opportunity to move to France next year, for these things and so so many more. Thank you Father. I thank you most of all for the gift of your son Jesus and wisdoms imparted by him for us. I cannot imagine the agony he felt physically on the cross, not the agony you felt when you, his father, witnessed his death. I thank you Father for this ultimate sacrifice when he was crucified, and died for all of mankind so that we might have eternal life with you. I ask that You send your spirit to me to witness unto me what is truth for my purpose in life so that I may better do Your will. I do not want to fritter my time away and I need direction! I ask for wisdom Fsther. I ask that you send your spirit to the leaders of the USA, China, Russia, North Korea, Syria, and the other countries that need to get along together to have peace in this earth. I ask that you send your spirit to the leaders of my company so that they can make decisions that will help ensure a good longterm viability of the company because so many people are counting on it (like me!) for their financial future. I ask that you bless my friends and family and help us to do Your Will always.

In Jesus Name I pray,

Amen

Sarah

[scbibhouse]

1 month since go to Heaven day...Is the Fog starting to lift?

29 Oct 2018

It was 1 month ago today that you drew your last breath on earth Rodney. 1 month. Seems like yesterday, seems like an eternity. I look at our picture in the wall and remember that it was only 6 months ago we were in that photography studio together , I still smell your shirt hanging in our closet, I still can’t touch the things I’ve put in your drawer. I still can’t sleep.

Yesterday, I listened to Jim Rohn while walking in the park and I was inspired for the first time in a long time to make my to do list for today...and I did all of the items on my list! is that a small sign that I’m starting to come out of the fog? I hope so.

Today, I took the life insurance checks and deposited them. Bittersweet. Made my stomach sick to look at the checks. I would give anything to have you back well rather than to have this money...but I don’t have that choice do I?

Today, I ordered the air shipment to be delivered here to our apartment this week. That will be another step and another sort required and seeing your things..things that when we left China back in July, you planned to use here in the US..but were not able to. Little did we know when we left China that you would be dead within 2.5 months. It still seems surreal, and makes my stomach sick again.

Father God,

I come to you tonight with a grateful heart and that the fog that has enveloped me since arriving here in the US seems to be lifting. I thank You so much having our 35+ years together with my Rodney. You know I miss him terribly, You know my heart is still aching, You know he will always be the love of my life. You comfort me and for that I’m grateful. I ask Father that you continue to send Your Holy Spirit to me and give me intuitive thought, especially when it comes to my next work assignment. I ask that you send me the right questions to ask and wisdom to make the right decisions.

Amen

Sarah