A childless woman's view of Prostate cancer

This chronicles the journey of me and my husband's treatment of recurrent prostate cancer

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Sarah L. Tollner Miller Shop | Redbubble

Sarah L. Tollner Miller is an independent artist creating amazing designs for great products such as t-shirts, stickers, posters, and phone

11 Jan 2021

Well Rod, I’ve started a small site in Redbubble..a place where I can sell prints of my artwork. We’ll how this works! Another chapter in my life.

I hope you like it.

Love you,

Sarah

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Chez Rene

10 Jan 2021

My dearest Rodney,

It’s been a long time since I posted here on this space. I had an amazing weekend looking at properties in the Allier department. Looked in the bourbonnaise mountains close to my friend Catherine. Yesterday she and I went to see a place outside of Souvigny. 24 hectares is a big space...too big, and too expensive! Today, I went around the area with her husband Christophe. It was all word of mouth and connections...it was a different world, like a private club. By the end of the afternoon I have opened my eyes an decided I have 3 possible projects...

1) old house to renovate with 1 or 2 hectares with a space to put a small Giverney garden, with a beautiful view , over the mountains

2) old house to renovate with 5-6 hectares and water not far from a larger town where I have a nice view and space to create the Giverney garden, meditation paths, house where we could live and renovate with the idea that the house would eventually be a small museum that would be the entrance to the garden. When I got to the point that the garden could be interesting to visit, and there was a building that could be rented out for conferences, wedding receptions etc, we would move to another house and turn the space into a business. In our mind it was a foundation that could be bequeathed to the town with an endowment to maintain it. Today, when we visited one space, I saw the garden I just mentioned. I saw it Rod. I saw it. The business plan we wrote could be coming back to life in France Rod. When you and I talked before When you were so sick, I told you all bets were off about that plan that since it was sure you would not be there to help... I closed the folder..but I Did bring it with me..now..today, when I saw the space, it seems like it may be feasible. I’ll get out the folder again Rod. Chez Rene.

3) A place to plant trees that can absorb CO2.

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Spiritual awakenings

23 May 2020

Oh Rodney, today, I had a very real spiritual awakening that I want to tell yuu about, and wrote it down so that I don’t forget it. While reading our daily devotional, There was a reference to Colossians 2, 2-3 where Paul Was talking about the riches of complete understanding. I had the urge to read the entire chapter and thankfully, I have learned (mostly) to listen when that thought comes, act on it. I read it and found the reference to baptism and being buried and raised like Jesus who died and was buried and who rose again. It’s so simple and I’m sure I heard this when I was baptized at the age of 12-13, and I remember thinking I wish Jesus would come now, because all of my sins are gone, I would enter into the kingdoms of heaven, but I don’t remember the symbolism to Jesus’ death and resurrection. I then wanted to read every reference to baptism in the Bible (using your Bible Rod, the New King James’version with the tooicnindex at the back) , and I did just that..not only the verse, every chapter. I am amazed!

In 1 Peter 3:20-21 Peter refers to Noah and the flood where only 8 souls were saved in the flood..a story of death and life by water. In this one passage it also links the resurrection of Jesus Christ to the act of baptism, and “the answer of good conscious towards God”. Wow! So powerful!

The 3-4th chapters of Matthew where John was in the wilderness and Jesus went to him asking to be baptized. I imagined the awe that John must have felt, but when Jesus told him to do “to fulfill all righteousness “. What an order! And just after that Jesus fasted for 40 days (it’s hard for me to fast 3 days!) and was tempted 3 times by Satan and in the end prevailed. He then made his triumphant entry into Jerusalem on what we call Palm Sunday on the donkey and colt which was referenced in Isaiah 9,1-2...it had to be this way to fulfill the scriptures..Every bit of it and so much more that I don’t understand yet.

In one of the references Matthew 21, there is the parable of the 2 sons where Jesus has just turned over the tables and cleared the temples of the merchants, and the chief priests and elders are asking Jesus in who’s authority he has done this. Jesus replies with a clever question: Did the baptism of John come from man or heaven? Of course they knew he had them, and they said, they didn’t know..so he didn’t tell them the authority answer they wanted. Jesus went on to answer them in a parable if the two sons and the wicked vine dressers ..(which I don’t remember ever studying before, and even now, I’m not sure to fully understand).

All of this to say Rod, it’s been an enlightening morning...one I hope not to forget..one of curiosity, learning, gratitude and so many other emotions. All of this started years ago when Inwas baptised at the small little Church in Germantown, KY during a revival. Little did I know the path my life would take.

Years later as we prepared to go to China, my Aunt Freda gave us this book of devotions called « Jesus Calling ». You Rod, suggested that we read it aloud together every morning, and we did, often looking up words we didn’t understand and remembering listening to the etymologist John Charty NPR segments about the origins of words and how much we learned!

After you died Rodney, I needed the comfort of this habit of our devotional times and during my heaviest periods of grief, my heightened sense of curiosity lead to a deepening and continuous improvement of my understanding what it means to be a Christian. For that I am so grateful. It’s really a new chapter in my life..one that I didn’t want without you, and am slowly learning to live. Could it be that you had to die for me to search these truths in my own? I don’t like to think it, but it may be true. At any rate, I just wanted to thank you again for all the things you taught me when we were together here in this earth. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have been my spiritual leader and teacher in so many ways Rod..and more is being revealed as I am ready to understand...like today.

There is a saying, alternately attributed to Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni and the Theosophists, that goes: « When the student is ready, the teacher will appear ». Regardless of who came up with it, I’m living it, I know it to be true in my life today.

You will always be the love of my life Rodney..physically, emotionally and spiritually. You remain right behind my eyes. I ask God to bless you in your mission now Rodney..however that works ..it’s beyond you comprehension now, I just know what you told several of us before you died. You have another mission and I’m sure you are doing it and blessing all those around you, in your special way. I love you Rod, I will Always love yiu and so look forward to our reunion.

Amen,

Sarah

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10 May 2020

Well Rod, it’s the last day of Covid19 confinement here in France. I am quite sure you would not have liked this confinement business. I’m glad it’s over! I look Forward to walking in the park without papers!

Yesterday I got the hole punch I ordered. I made some new luggage tags with my new business cards. This morning I changed out the luggage tags on the little white suitcase. Both of our luggage tags, worn out, battered, and well worn. I guess we could say “well traveled”. Address that are no longer valid, titles of the past. I see your title of “International Logistical Support Services”..so true. I sure miss my logistics man, but that is the least of my misses. I’m not going to go into that whole Mother’s Day miss today. I send my cards and gifts and that’s that. I miss you Rodney, all of you. I ask God to bless you in your mission..whatever that means and however that works.

Love

Sarah

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27 Apr 2020

Well Rod, I painted the hands..lots of emotions that found their way from my heart, through the brush onto the tear stained paper. I love yuu Rodney, i will always love you. Love of my life, you remain right behind my eyes.

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Anniversary eve

22 April 2020

Well Rodney, it’s the eve of our anniversary..back in 1983 I was a pretty happy, excited girl. 22 years old and absolutely in love.

Fast forward to 2020, roughly 18 months after you died, living alone in France in this time of confinement of Covid19 virus, yet, still in love with you. I’ve started painting again, interspersed with work from home and “staycation” Days un this apartment for 1. I’ve been watching old musicals, imagining you singing those romantic songs to me, like you did several times in real life. I miss you so much Rodney. I watched a video of you talking to sons Chris and Matthew for the last time in Greenville, sharing some of your spiritual awakenings. I drew a sketch of outstretched hands... it Started out being My hands Clasping your heart shaped ashes..but as I drew it, it became God offering me your heart, His son’s heart and I see a hand to accept it. Very meaningful for me. I will paint it for our anniversary. Happy Heavenly Anniverary Rodney. I ask God to bless you real good in your mission. I love you Rodney, I will always love you. You will always be the love of my life..always. Still Joined at the heart and you remain just behind my eyes.

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WFH and the new normal

23 Mar 2020

Well Rod,

It’s surreal here on earth these days with the Corona virus spreading all over the world. As I type this I’m day 7 working from home , factories shutdown all over the world, some adapting to make surgical masks, make hand sanitizer and cleaning solution to clean common areas. crisis meetings two Sometimes three times a day. It seems like the new normal...I’m grateful to be able to work from home with a normal paycheck that will get deposited at the end of the week. First time in my life when I went to the grocery store, I had to take papers with me that showed my address and why I was outside and sure enough I was stopped by the police and had to show it (or else get a large fine!) “social distance” is a big thing, keeping at least 1 meter distance, no hugs, no kissy kissy, no handshakes. And cases continue to rise and people are increasingly dying...it’s a real thing. I don’t think you would have liked this at all Rod..God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

This past weekend, I was really missing you. You no doubt know that your dear sister Angela’s funeral was the 20th of March. Now you and your parents and all of your brothers and sisters are reunited in heaven. Sweet reunion it must be. I can Only imagine. I looked through photos, listened to your voice recordings in my phone, watched a video from the Wellindorf company VP talk about the angel in the ring and remembered when you got me the keep me safe ring. So special. I loved you then and I love you now. You will always be the love of my life Rodney. Always.

I ask God to bless you, Angela and Patricia in your missions. I don’t understand how all that works..God does and that’s enough for me. You remain right behind my eyes.

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28 Feb 2020

Happy heavenly birthday Patricia. You are loved and remembered fondly today, here in France, in Titusville and no doubt with others. I really miss our talks, your soft kind voice, your non judgemental guidance. I’m sure you have a mission now, just not sure what. I ask God to bless you in your mission.

Mark is going ok, still working, had his drivers license, hopefully soon to get his vet ID for health care. He is hopefully helping Martha, but not sure..at least he is starting to get a taste of being self sufficient. I think you would be proud.

You’re forever in my heart..right beside Rod.

Love you Trish,

Sarah

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The tent 16 Feb 2020Good morning Rod, This morning, as usual, I started with my meditation and prayer, and then walked to the garden store . While walking so many thoughts came to me about the meditation scripture.II Corinthians 12, 9-10 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.In my mind, I pictured the tent of difficulties pitched in an open field. Thinking that this tent was pitched early in my life when I had difficulties..parents dying and not having a child, and then the biggest difficulty of losing my dear Rodney and then most recently my dear sister Patricia. The tent of difficulties seems to be where God provides a refuge and provides protection from more hurt, knowing that in times I hurt, I have no choice but to seek God’s help and guidance for next steps and strength if I want to do anything in my life. As time goes by with this tent, I slowly realize that I can open the wind flaps and let fresh air come in, clean out the cobwebs in my brain and breath new air, get new ideas, draw on God’s energy. Eventually, I get the strength to open the doors and crawl out of the tent and walk here on earth in the protection of God my Father. The tent is still there, still providing shelter, still available anytime I need to grow and get stronger and closer to God.Thank you Father for my difficulties, thank you for the strength to carry on one day at a time. Thank you for providing me with this tent and the understanding that I can leave the tent with Your protective hand.

You will always be the love of my life Rod. Always.

Amen,

Sarah

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Happy heavenly Birthday

12 Feb 2020

Well Rod,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written..so much has happened with Patricia’s death, staying to help get the Florida connection working..trying to get back in the work swing with the new job etc...time marches on. You would have been 73 today..for everyone else in the world, it’s just another day..for me, it’s the day I see you clearly in my mind..the day I see my man of integrity, I hear Lincoln’s portrait, I see your shiny refurbished tuba, I see you in your Chinese jacket and paper birthday crown..so many sweet memories of birthdays gone by...and yet, they are all just behind my eyes as are you. Your smile, your “Clark Gable Look”, your gentle caress.

I miss you Rodney..you will always be the love of my life..always..until I too breath my last breath here on this earth. I ask God to bless you in your mission and give you everything I every wanted for myself. Everything and more. You so deserve it. I love you through the tears. Happy heavenly birthday Rod.

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Acquainted with grief

31 Jan 2019

Hello Rod,

I imagine that you have welcomed Patricia into your world now. You know I’m in FL and will today start to put some semblance of a plan together for her funeral. As the attorney said at my Mom’s funeral « she was the brains of that outfit »..same thing here in FL with Trish’s family. But...I have experience in funeral planning and life of the survivor afterwards, so I can and will help. You also are aware that Angela your dear sister is likely coming to join you soon as she is now under hospice care. I will go see her while I’m here in FL. Welcome her home my dear.

Happy new year 2020..not the way I would have chosen to start this one off.

The sone from Messiah keeps coming to my mind...

Isiah 53:3 King James Bible

« He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not »

I am certainly not to be compared with Jesus Christ..I only take the part about ending a « person of sorrows and acquainted with grief « . That’s who I am today. I know I should be rejoicing that there’s a new name written down in Glory...and of course I know that. Selfishly, I miss Patricia, I miss you Rod, I miss my parents, I miss all those I hold dear and every funeral just brings that all up again. Tears are a necessary relief valve. Time will not change or heal « it », only I can change.. »it » death or whatever the situation will not change.

Father God,

I ask for strength, wisdom, compassion, patience and all of the other blessings I will need to be of maximum service to You and my family. Thank You Father for my time with Patricia and our special close relationship. She was a gem among gems. Bless her in her new mission.

Amen,

Sarah

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Another new name written down in Glory

29 Dec 2019

Well Rod, as I type this, I’m preparing to go back to the US to now attend my sister Patricia’s funeral. She passed away today. I’m heartbroken yet again and this time alone. All the experiences you brought her through in China with the cancer treatment and now my guess is you are preparing to welcome her to be at Home with Jesus and all of our loved ones. It is her time. It was your time..sometimes I wonder when will it be my time? What will I think about? Who, if anyone will be by my side? Brings back so many memories and grief.

Father God,

I ask for strength to get through the coming days. I thank You Father for the strength to survive and grow from my difficulties. I ask that you send Your spirit to me to witness unto me what is truth so that I may be of maximum service to You and to my fellows, especially my family.

Amen

Sarah

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Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground...

25 Dec 2019

Merry Heavenly Christmas Rodney. Spending it with Jesus in His presence has to be an amazing experience. Here on earth, as you know it’s a tough time for me. I have been doing the distraction tour, this year with my friend Joellen. It’s nice, but absolutely not the same. I miss you Rodney. I just miss you.

I’ve been contacted by at least 2 people who saw yuu in their dreams..always a special experience.

Miles: from China:

Merry Christmas Eve ,Sarah. About a week ago , I met Rod in the dream. I knew that he doesn't belong to this world , on the way to meet him I began to cry [Chuckle]. when I saw him , he was talking to others in a bridge,so I hugged him he didn't know who I am. The pity is that we didn't talk, then woke up.

Pray for you,Sarah. Wish you have a nice Christmas.

Angie from SC,

Merry Christmas Sarah! Rodney visited new in my dreams last night. I don’t remember what he said but I remember he was bringing AA to me. I believe our dead visit us in our dreams. Many people in the Bible had angels visit them in their dreams. Being catholic, I’ve loved all your pic of the beautiful churches and cathedrals. My faith is a beautiful faith with beautiful churches. Jesus is always present in the tabernacles of the church. I have my girls here for Christmas and my parents live across the street so plenty of love around. Have a blessed day.

Thimas from Germany

Believe it or not Sarah, Rodney has been very present here with us. Especially during this Christmas season. A real spiritual giant !!!

I also got a very special note from son Chris:

Merry Christmas Sarah!!! Thanks for everything you do for Olivia, Rachael and I. You have been a great Nana to Olivia and great stepmom to me. Your love and caring has made a great positive impact on our family. You are one of the things I am most thankful for. I hope you are blanketed in The love of Jesus today. I know my father is watching over you as well. Heading to her now and preparing for a fun day with Olivia tomorrow. We will talk to you later in your day. Love you!!!

All of these messages are so very sweet and touching and each bring tears to my eyes. Makes me think of the James Taylor song...Fire and Rain..it seems so appropriate today. You will always be the love of my life and I will always love you. Always.

Father God,

Thank you for Your Son Jesus and the gift of salvation. Thank you for the time with Rodney. Thank you for my friends and family all over the world who continue to reach out and let me know that Rodney is still relèvent and sorely missed in their life too. I ask for the strength to live one day at a time and do Your Will.

Amen

Sarah

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‎Fire and Rain by James Taylor

‎Song · 3:23 min · 1970

...Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground...

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Memories of A midnight dance in Vienna

22 Dec 2019

Oh Rodney, I missed you so much today. This morning, we signed up for an optional tour into Vienna where we learned to dance the waltz. We were all alone on the tour and it was just wonderful. The danse studio was opened just for us and our teachers taught us the basic steps of the waltz. Slowly we learned and eventually we got it. I think you would have loved it..I remembered our dinner, concert and midnight waltzing at midnight in New Year’s Eve in Vienna, even when we didn’t know how. Such a sweet memory.

Now I know how to waltz Rod and you would have loved it. I would have loved being twirled by you...properly! I can just see you in your tuxedo and white gloves and me in a long gown...you would have taken the lead and Taken your queues from the music and I would have followed, and we would have turned around the room. I was dancing with you this morning Rod. You were not physically there, but you were there in my mind, right behind my eyes. I love you Rodney, I will always love you.

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Music soothes the soul

20 Dec 2019

Well Rod, while touring Budapest yesterday, you were with me and made sure I saw the billboard for Messiah at the Saint Stephens Basilica. Tonight we went. It was absolutely sublime. I was smiling and on the verge of tears of joy all night. What a gift. Thank you Rodney. Music will also be a gift we shared, we were joined at the heart, with music of the heart. I will always love you Rod. Always. Love of my life. Always. You’re still my everything.

Thank you Father God for the inspiration of music for Messiah. Thank you! Such a comforting soothing presence for my soul.

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The last words you said to me

18 December 2018

Good morning my love. It’s almost Christmas time and since you’ve been gone, time for my distraction travel plan to kick in. Last year it was to the Amazon River with Patricia and this year it’s up the Danube with Joellen. Next year onto the Nile, hopefully with Patricia if she gets well enough.

Yesterday I was on “vacation”, at the apartment getting ready for my trip and I really needed to be at home. I didn’t sleep well and ended up sleeping late and was doing my little cleaning routine listening to shuffle songs in the iTunes library, and up popped a Sarah Brightman song “the last words you said to me” and I just lost it..I sobbed while missing you, cried for the sickness of my sister Patricia and fear of losing her, yiu name it, I was crying a ou it. I got down in my knees and prayed and cried and asked God to give me strength. Eventually the tears subsided, eventually I was able to get my suitcase packed and last emails treated, eventually I was able to function. Once again, I saw that grief is a cruel companion, cunning, baffling and powerful. Hit you when you’re down type of “friend”. I miss you so much Rodney. Nothing can replace that feeling when I would share good news, or need a shoulder to cry on, or ask your opinion, or just need to get a good hug. I have no desire for another man for companionship..the thought just turns my stomach. I will always love you Rodney, always. I just can’t get over the love of my life, and dont want to. You are still an “is” to me Rodney, not a “was”. My endless love.

Father God,

You know my heart and how heavy it is, missing my Rodney, praying for healing for my sister. I thank You for your comforter yesterday and for my time with Rodney and Patricia and all of my family. I ask that You continue to give me intuitive thought and strength to live as You would have me live and be of maximum service to You and to my fellows.

Amen,

Sarah