The best, worst thing happened today. I have to take this huge test; like enormously important: my preliminary exam. If I don’t pass, I’m kicked out of the whole program. Now, this shouldn’t be cause for alarm. The exam is easy, supposedly. We get two old exams to use as practice, and with a little fenagling, I got two additional exams from one of the guys in the lab, so that’s a total of 4, a total of 27 practice questions I get to look at. On the actual exam, I need to answer 2 questions from one section in particular (computer architecture), and an additional 3 from the other sections, not exceeding 2 per section. My plan at the moment is as follows:
The architecture section is easy. It’s what I’ve been studying for something like 6 years now. I’m calling those two questions a wash. I feel pretty good about them. Then, I plan to answer two questions from the linear systems theory section. This was without a doubt the hardest class I’ve taken so far in grad school, but I have two things on my side: 1.) I just took this course last semester, so it’s still relatively fresh and 2.) they always have the same three questions on the exam. They ask you to solve a linear system of equations (easy town, this is what we did in sophomore year of undergrad. Try harder); they ask you about the particular qualities of a system, which I absolutely blow at, because this requires taking a rather complex integral that I just don’t want to do; and they ask you to use state feedback to change a system’s transfer function, which sounds hard, but really isn’t. It’s pretty much a formula you just plug into the question and the answer is right there. Now from time to time, they have an oddball question on there, at least in the four exams I’ve been studying from they do, but the two aforementioned questions I said I knew how to do seem to always be there. If they aren’t, I’m fucked. Finally, there’s the stochastic processes (fancy prob stat) section. I feel… not great about this section, but there’s usually something I can struggle through and get halfway correct.
Now here’s the kicker: I only need to pass this exam. Which I think means either 60 or 70%. So, we have my two freebie questions from architecture for a cool 40%, and the two from the linear systems section for another 40% bringing me to an 80%, so I don’t need to worry too much about the stochastic processes section… I hope. There is always the possibility that they either won’t have the questions I studied for, or I’ll just completely fuck up my answers. As a result, let’s say I get maybe a 60% on the questions I’m sure of. Well, that may be passing, and furthermore, if I get a softball stoch question, that should, HOPEFULLY push me over the precipice to pass it.
But I’m sure, dear reader, you’re wondering why the best, worst thing occurred. What the heck am I rambling about a test for? Well, I’ll tell you. This exam was originally going to take place tomorrow. I needed to show up on campus at 8AM sharp (meaning I needed to wake up at six in the god damn morning) to check in for a “COVID test”—which, as it turns out is just a questionnaire where they ask, “is your throat sore?” and take your temperature. I remember last March, when they used to ask if you’d been to China lately too. But, alas. It’s been a while since China outnumbered our COVID case rate. I digress—and when/if you pass they authorize your student ID to unlock the door to the Science and Engineering Hall (SEH).
I’ve been rather stressed about this whole song and dance. What if the nice people at the front desk of the check-in building think I look sickly? What if I run a temperature? What if traffic is bad (because god knows I’m not getting on the fucking metro to get into school, I’ll pay the $20 parking fee, thank you very much) and I’m late to check in? What if my alarm doesn’t go off, or I sleep through it? On second thought, better set a few alarms on my phone, computer, alarm clock, microwave oven, drier, any device with a clock on it. It’s best to be safe about these things. And to top it all off, the weather right now is horrendous.
In Texas, the power is fully out. The cold is so intense that the entire state of Texas has lost power. Let me repeat that. The state of Texas has lost power. The largest singularly governed body of land in the continental united states (other than Alaska maybe?) has been in a black out, its constituents literally dying of hypothermia for days now. Not that any of this affects me, but it demonstrates the sheer insanity of the polar vortex currently ripping through the country. So in addition to the whole laundry list of things freaking me out right now, I also have to worry about the time it will take to scrape all the ice off of my car, and driving on roads with little to no friction for at least 30 minutes in potentially rush-hour traffic into the city. No fucking thank you. And on top of all of that, there’s uncertainty if any of this will even happen! Like, the chance of an icy apocalypse tomorrow is only 50%! What the hell?
So all day, I’ve been stewing. Worrying about all the things I’ve said. But at the same time, I just want to get this damn test over and done with. I don’t like things looming in the future, but damn it if I don’t hate things looming in the future with an unknown end date. So I literally spent something like 10 or 12 (or probably closer to 16) hours bouncing from my bed to my desk to my bed. I tried to study at my desk, but got so freaked out the thing I was studying before was happening tomorrow that I barely got any studying done. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I threw something like 10 hours of the day totally out the window just shitting around on the internet. I was a fucking mess. But at the very least, it would all be over tomorrow, granted I survived the drive in.
But no. I received an email this evening informing me that the school would have a two-hour delay. I remember when I was small, sleeping with my pajamas inside-out, flushing ice cubes down the toilet, because these rituals were supposed to result in school-annihilating snow days like the one that was just announced. I didn’t do either the night before, but it still worked out somehow. However, a two-hour delay didn’t really mean anything. The exam could still happen! This only exacerbated my stress levels. Then, as if to say, “fuck you” right into my ear drums at a decibel level comparable to a jet takeoff, I got an email from the department saying, “we saw there’s a two-hour delay. We’re still figuring out what to do. Await further instruction.”
What the hell does that mean?? I saw the email and was slightly relieved. At least there was hope the exam would be put off. But damn, man. I stewed for a while, trying to decide what to feel, mostly feeling a strange mix of anxiety, fury and relief, all at once. Unpleasant, I must say. I could feel this warm ball of tension in my throat all day, but for those brief 15 minutes of extreme uncertainty it grew to the size of a pool cue.
Finally, I got an email officially saying it would be pushed to next week. What a relief. Sort of. On the one hand, I get another week to study for the thing. Maybe I can get as confident about the stochastic processes section as I am about the linear systems section. On the other hand, this whole day just went completely down the tubes. More so than usual. I mean, I’ve wasted some days. I have seriously wasted some days. But, Christ, today it wasn’t even a pleasant waste of time. Today was just stressful wandering around. I felt like I’d seen the face of Yog-Sothoth and was slowly losing my mind.
Anyway, that’s how today was the best, worst day I’ve experienced for a while. Total ecstasy when I realized the test was pushed, preceded by total dread when it was looming in the near future. Oh well. I’d really rather just get it over and done with. In the words of Stephen King, “Yog-Sothoth rules”.