For all the flack it often gets and how often its demonized and framed as "the hormone that makes you evil" online, especially in leftist, feminist, and queer circles, testosterone is a miracle for those, like me, who want it and need it.
Theres alot of fear that testosterone will make whoever takes it angry and violent and gross, but if you actually talk to people who take it, you'll find that's not the case at all. For myself, and many others, testosterone has made us happier and thus decreased our anger and violent tendencies, and brought changes that made our bodies feel less gross and more in line with who we are. And by doing this, it has opened the possibility of kindness, of caring, of seeing the value of every human being.
The same is true for manhood. It too is often framed as inherently evil, but it too is a beautiful, worthwhile thing for those meant to be men in this world, and it too opens the door for kindness and caring and seeing the worth in everyone.
Testosterone is not evil. Manhood is not evil. Both of these are merely modifiers of the human experience, just like estrogen and womanhood are. All of them come with unique strenghts and insights into the world that can be used for good or evil, to help or to harm, at the discretion of the person at the center of the experience. A man who does harm would still do harm if he were a woman, and a woman who does harm would still do harm if she were a man. Similarly, a man who does good would still do good if he were a woman, and a woman who does good would still do good if she were a man. Merely the way in which good or evil is done would change. Gender and hormones are not the determining factor of good or evil. The systems in power and the individual's capacity and willingness to fight back against those systems are what makes the difference between good and evil.
is there any chance of prev tags returning anytime soon? everyone i know is really unhappy that they were removed, and the site just doesnt feel the same :/
Answer: Hey there, @cowboybreakdowns!
We have good news for you here.
Yes! As it happens, we are indeed working on adding a way to get to the previous parent post when viewing a reblog.
We hope to have more updates with you soon on this one. Keep an eye out on @changes for the latest, and thanks for your question!
what it is: Harry has been away for six months and YN wants to move on - based on Close As Strangers by 5 seconds of summer!!
word count: 4k+
Harry hurried down the hallway all the way to his room, sliding the key card against the key-reader, unlocking the door and pushing it open with his palms pressed against it.
He quickly removed his shoes, tossing them near the door, before plopping down on the hotel bed, his back against the headboard.
He fished out of his skinny jeans his phone, grimacing at the screen that read 3 missed calls from ‘Angel <3’.
He sighed as he unlocked it, typing hurriedly the number he knew by heart on the keyboard, and putting it on speaker, too tired to hold the phone to his shoulder for the call.
He waited for her to pick up as he listened to the incessant ringing of the line.
“Pick up, pick up” he whispered, biting at the skin of his thumb to suppress his sighs.
He knew he was late. And he felt like he could only imagine the disappointment YN felt when he didn’t answer her call.
He and YN had picked out a specific time throughout the day where the both of them had to be available. No matter what the other was doing, at 7 o’clock they had to answer the phone, which was a pretty understandable rule, and Harry had found it easy to comply to it at first, excusing himself to take a call or getting covered by his band mates if he couldn’t make up an excuse quickly enough. But with time, his schedule had gotten really busy.
And he sometimes missed her calls.
He wasn’t the fresh out of XFactor sixteen year old he’d been when they first started dating. He was Harry from One Direction now, and despite him feeling as the same shy guy that worked in a bakery, life around him had changed, and with it, his relationship.
He knew how she was; he knew she wasn’t answering because she was upset. And Harry really didn’t blame her, but he just didn’t find it reasonable to be upset (“stubborn little thing! — he’d say, once she had calmed down and answered the phone — It doesn’t benefit neither of us if you don’t pick up ‘cause you’re mad!”).
He rolled his eyes once the line went dead, and opened the text app instead, typing quickly with his fingers.
Baby pick up I wanna talk to you
After a couple of minutes, he wrote again: please
I miss you
And after that, he tried the line once again. This time, she picked up after five rings with a small “hello?”, her voice sounded croaky distorted from the phone.
“Hello angel. I’m sorry I didn’t answer.”
“It’s okay”, and Harry felt her sigh through the phone, “i was thinking we should push back the calls until you’re back…”
“What?”
“I know you’re pretty busy,” she said, sternly, “and I don’t want to bother you.”
“What?” Harry repeated, and once he realised he already asked that, he cleared his voice and said: “you could never be a bother”.
YN couldn’t see him but she knew he was shaking his head. She tried not to picture the frown in his brows and the pout on his lips, otherwise she couldn’t possibly keep going.
“Things are different now—”
“No.” He cut her off, “don’t say that, angel. Nothing’s changed. It’s still us.”
“Harry” she softened her tone to make sure he really understood her, “it’s still us. — she nodded firmly to herself — I think it’s best if we stick to texting for now. It’s okay.”
“Okay… okay, if that’s - if that’s what you want. Okay.”
“It’s better this way” she sighed once again and Harry felt her breathing through the phone, her shaky breath loud in his ears as if it were his own.
“But we’re good, right? Tell me we’re good.”
“Yes, of course we’re good.”
Harry nodded, staying quiet as the words she’d just spoken lingered in the air between them. Despite being so far away he could almost feel her right next to him as she kept talking, unaware of the heavy weight he felt on his chest making it a little harder to breathe, the sudden realisation that maybe they weren’t good after all.
-
Harry:
Good luck on your exam baby xx
Harry typed the message quickly before locking his phone in his hands.
“1 minute, guys!” Paul reminded them, and for the first time in three years, Harry didn’t want to perform.
YN had a really big exam, the most important of her course, and his heart ached at the thought of not being there with her. He didn’t want to go on stage, and if he was a bad person, he wouldn’t. He would call his driver and go straight to the airport. But Harry wasn’t like that. No.
Since the beginning of his career, he always felt like he owed something to someone, because as he often said to YN, things like this don’t happen to people like him. What he meant with ‘people like him’ no one truly knows, because YN is sure Harry would be successful even if he wasn’t in the band, even if he never went to XFactor, he would have found a way to do what he loves. People would’ve known him either way, because he’s Harry Styles.
And if he didn’t… was it that bad? Wasn’t a life with her not enough to him? She often wonders that, but then she feels extremely guilty and she stops. She knows it’s wrong to think in such a way, because Harry says many times that that XFactor audition was the best thing he ever did in his life, but sometimes you can’t really control your heart as much as your thoughts.
“Harry, stop texting and let’s go!” Paul shouted, from his position on the doorframe.
Sometimes it’s though, for Harry. He tries really hard not to snap at the crew members because he knows they’re just doing their job, but he would often like to say: handle me a little bit softer, please! Because he is still human, and despite enjoying his job, he still needs to be handled gently. He’s only 19.
He obviously never says anything because as stated before, he’s had this strange feeling of owing his career to someone (no one in particular… his fans? Simon Cowell? He doesn’t know, he just knows the feeling in his gut), and he doesn’t want to disappoint anyone.
Harry throws a quick glance at him and nodds, sighing heavily as he hears his phone ding with a message.
Angel <3:
Can I call you, please? I don’t feel good
“Harry, I said let’s go.” He said once again, walking towards him and taking his shirt in his grip, tugging on the sleeve a bit.
Harry grimaced a little at the thought of not answering YN’s text, but he hadn’t opened it, so he guessed she’d probably think he was already on stage.
“Yes, yes, I’m coming!” He shrugged, tossing his phone on the couch and turning towards the door.
Paul nods and “c’mon, rockstar” he said, ruffling Harry’s hair playfully.
“Hey!” He pouted, chuckling as he bumps his arm against his.
Harry tried not to think too much about YN and her message, but he couldn’t help the pang in his chest as he walked out of the changing rooms and heard his phone ringing, the personalised ringer he set YN when he first bought the phone hitting him right in the heart.
He rolled his lips in his mouth as he walked towards the stage, the image of YN all alone at home with her phone to her ear hunting his thoughts.
-
Harry:
Hey, baby, how are you? What are you doing?
seen, 10.27am
Answer meeeee
seen, 11.47am
Are you mad at me? Why aren’t you answering?
seen, 12.01am
Angel <3:
Hary.. sprry i was ouy
Harry:
Are you drunk?
Angel <3:
Jst a litle bit hahahaahah
Harry:
Are you safe?
Angel <3:
yea, wit Emma xx txt tommrw
Harry sighed heavily as he rubbed his temples, tossing his phone on the bed beside him. He closed his eyes as he tried to soothe the impending headache as best as he could. He knew he shouldn’t think like this, but he sometimes can’t help but get angry with her; they never get time to talk, and the only time he can call her, she’s out drinking with her friends. It’s wrong and he’s being unfair, of course he knows. He’s just… he feels defeated. And left out. She feels so far away, and he’s sad he can’t be there with her. Why is she drinking? Is she celebrating something? Did she pass her exam? He doesn’t even know. He didn’t even ask, really. Because he was on The Late Late Show in the morning and was already performing with the band by the evening.
So he’s aware it’s his fault, but at the moment, he just feels like being angry at her. He’ll feel guilty in the morning, and he’ll try not to think about her like that ever again, but tonight… he allows himself the feeling.
He feels sick to his stomach when he realises he doesn’t even know who Emma is. He’s been away so long she made new friends he never got to meet.
-
Harry:
I wish you were here.
Harry knows this relationship isn’t going to work. He knows it deep in his heart, the feeling has been growing deep in his belly ever since he auditioned on xfactor, and if he was a better person he would end it.
He would take his brand new (very expensive) phone, digit the number he knows by heart and just… end it.
Dump her, to say it as straight as it is.
But he can’t.
He knows it’s what’s best for the both of them, he can tell she wants to move on, enjoy life with her friends, be loved by someone who could show his love by being present, but he is too selfish to do that.
The mere thought of her with someone else kills him, makes him sick to his stomach. So what does he do instead? He looks for her in every face in the crowd, in every person he meets (and there’s a lot).
Incoming: FaceTime call.
From: Angel <3
“Hi, H” YN whispers softly as soon as he answers the call.
“Hi angel.”
“I missed you, feel like I haven’t seen y’re face in ages”
“I know”, he clears his throat awkwardly, unsure on what to tell her, “still the same pretty face” he jokes.
“No, you look…” Harry can see her furrow her brows down to the middle, “you look different… older”.
What she really wants to say is he looks… glowier? Like someone who slept for twelve hours or someone who just came back from a ten days vacation at an all inclusive resort.
It’s weird, seeing him like this, he sort of lost his edgier and childlike state.
He looks more mature, yes, but also more polished. His once fluffy and untamed hair look shiny and… styled? He certainly has hairdressers, because YN saw it from an instagram post, but she thought it was like a one time thing… not a recurring one.
She feels kind of out of place, in front of this boy - guy, more like - she hasn’t seen in six weeks.
She finds it hard to remember it’s still her Harry.
She wonders how many things he saw in these six weeks, how many things he did without her, how many new places he discovered without sharing it with her, without making her a part of it.
The awkward energy isn’t lost on both parts, and if YN isn’t afraid to show it, Harry tries all he can to keep the conversation normal. He won’t give up.
“You look beautiful as ever” he says with a grin, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.
She only partially breaks in a smile, because she doesn’t want him to feel bad.
It’s not him, entirely, it’s them… it’s them as a whole.
“Everyday gets harder to stay away from you” he reiterates, “but I’ll see you soon, okay? At your birthday?”
“Yeah… okay” she gulps, her hands playing nervously with a stray thread coming off of her cream sweater.
“Soon. I promise.”
She nods and pretends she believes him.
The conversation only lasts for a couple of minutes, their hours long calls are just a memory by now, and she asks a couple of questions to pretend everything is fine and not alarm him.
But she knows he can feel something shifted between them, because nothing is as once was.
-
“I think we should head inside, love” Anne kindly said, placing a gentle and comforting hand on her shoulder. “I don’t think he’s coming.”
“No” YN shook her head firmly, in her stomach a nauseous feeling was tingling her insides; she tried to defend him with everything she could: “he can’t. He promised he’d be here. He’s coming. I know he is”
“Okay” Anne murmured, as she threw a wary look in Gemma’s direction, “let’s just wait a little bit more.”
“Yes!” Gemma agreed, “maybe his flight is late…?” She suggested, albeit with little conviction.
YN nodded her head absentmindedly, her gaze lost in the pinkness of the sky extending before her.
She had wanted to wait for his arrival to cut the cake, refusing Gemma’s offer (more like plea) to at least light up the candles to sing her happy birthday, so everyone was starving and YN had the strange feeling they were all upset. With her or with Harry she didn’t really know.
It’s not like she blamed them, the scene presented in front of them (YN waiting all day for Harry who didn’t even call to tell her he wasn’t coming; YN refusing to invite her friends because she wanted it to be just close family and she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her boyfriend) was pathetic as it was already.
She really didn’t think Harry had it in him to miss her birthday.
Everything YN could really think of was how thankful she was it was just her, Anne and Gemma. What would have happened if she had invited more people? She would have ended up looking like the fool who gets stood up at her own birthday by her own boyfriend.
They had been waiting since lunch time and it was already sunset, the now orange sky a dreadful reminder of how much time was passing and how late it was getting.
In her heart, buried deep under her hope, she knew he wasn’t coming. She knew his flight wasn’t late because he never boarded it in the first place, breaking the promise he’d made her that he’d be there for her birthday.
She tried to think about a birthday she passed without Harry, but nothing came to mind. Ever since they started dating, he’d always be there celebrating with her and making her happy on what is supposed to be a day all about her.
She tried to think how much she was willing to wait, she didn’t want to encounter in the possibility of having to wait until late night, but she knew that if she didn’t give herself an ultimatum she never would have stopped waiting for him.
“YN…” Anne interrupted her train of thoughts, once it started to get a bit chilly in the garden and the humidity was starting to get uncomfortable.
“I know.” YN interrupted her briefly, trying not to pay too much attention to the way her eyes were starting to tingle a bit, the humiliation being so bad it was starting to grow inside her like a balloon waiting to pop, “it’s okay.” She nodded, reassuring Anne, but maybe herself too - a little bit.
She shifted her gaze to Gemma, who frowned at the look on her face, “it’s okay.” She repeated, “I knew he wasn’t coming, after all, I knew.”
She could feel their eyes on her as she brought a hand up to her chest, hoping that maybe the warmth could soothe her aching heart; but nothing about her was warm.
She actually felt really cold, her hand on her chest only accentuated her panic and humiliation as she could hear her heart beat fast against her chest cage.
“I am so sorry” Anne said, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly,
“We’re certainly not leaving him any cake” Gemma joked, but her humour fell on deaf ears, because neither YN nor Anne laughed. In Anne’s opinion, there wasn’t anything to laugh about, and in YN’s… well, she wasn’t really paying any attention to her surroundings.
“Let’s go inside, love” Anne repeated once again, but this time YN nodded and got up from her chair.
She inhaled a little before heading towards the door.
Once she was inside, she felt the warm air hit her cheeks, and the sweet smell of the cake cooling off in the oven invaded her nostrils.
The cozy ambience was becoming kind of overwhelming, and she wished she could just close her eyes and be out of that damn house. The house where she spent all her best days with her boyfriend. Was he even her boyfriend anymore?
She felt sick to her stomach thinking those kinds of thoughts, but how couldn’t she? There weren’t many things she cared about like she cared about birthdays, and Harry knew it all too well.
“I think I’ll just head home…” she sighed, a heavy weight on her chest was making it harder and harder to breathe.
“Don’t you want to stay? We could eat some cake and…”
“No” she shook her head forcefully, “I just need to go home, I have to wake up early tomorrow”.
“Okay, love. I’m…” Anne began saying, but she stopped herself. There weren’t many words to say to excuse her son’s behaviour.
“Just… drive safe, okay?”
-
YN felt very alone as she laid in her bed that night; it wasn’t later than 9pm, way too early for her bedtime, but she really didn’t care, at that point she’d do whatever worked to make the day end sooner.
What was worse (if there even was something worse) was that her phone hadn’t rang one time since she’d arrived home, and that meant not only Harry hadn’t shown up to her birthday lunch, but he didn’t even feel guilty about it.
That was everything she needed to know.
She’d always been convinced chasing dreams couldn’t be harmful in anyway, and maybe for Harry it hadn’t been… but for her? What about her? Was she selfish for getting in the way of his dream of a life time?
All these questions ran through her head, a sharp pain growing behind her eyes from keeping in the tears for too long. They spiked against her eyes but she refused to let them fall, she had cried too long for him. This was really all she could do, but without even realising, she had started crying long before even getting in bed.
“Stop it” she condemned herself, pressing the tips of her fingers on her eyelids to dry the tears. “Just stop” she sobbed against her hands.
She doesn’t know for how long she laid there, and at some point she thinks she eventually stopped crying, too exhausted to let anything else out.
Before succumbing to a what she knew would be a troubled sleep, she grabbed her phone and typed a message quickly.
It read: we’re over.
-
When YN sent that text, she knew they weren’t over. They never could be, not without talking it out at first, and Harry… well he’s very stubborn, and at first, it was a quality she liked about him, but when he started calling her back to back until she answered, she reevaluated that.
Text from: Harry
I won’t stop calling until you answer the phone
I’m not joking, YN
Answer
We’re not over
Are we?
We can’t be
You can’t leave me like that
Answer the phone please
I can explain
It took her two days to call him. Two days of uninterrupted messages, two days of tears and an ache in her chest she tried to get rid of by eating tons of ice cream.
Her finger had lingered a while on the green call button before pressing it, but it only took him two rings to answer.
“YN…” he started, and he sort of sounded relieved, she has to admit that.
Like a weight had been lifted off his chest.
“Stop pestering me with all those messages.” She said firmly, “I don’t want to talk to you”.
“YN” he sighed once again, “please let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain, Harry! You missed my birthday” she said, and she tried really hard to keep her voice from breaking, but it didn’t really work.
“I know.” He said firmly, “my phone broke, I couldn’t… I didn’t know how to reach you… and by the time I got a new one, I had a concert and I couldn’t… you don’t know how these things work YN, I can’t just drop everything and run to you”.
She felt his words like a bullet piercing through her chest, “you’re right, I don’t know how these things work, but I still deserve to be treated with respect”
“I know. I know you do”.
Sometimes YN wishes Harry had never auditioned for xfactor in the first place. She knows it’s selfish but she doesn’t care. If that makes her a bad person, so be it.
If he’d never auditioned they wouldn’t be here, and she wouldn’t have to beg him for the respect he’d always showed her in the past.
“We really tried to make this work, Harry” she said in a soft voice, at this point all she could feel was defeat.
The whole situation was simply too hurtful to keep going.
“No. Stop. Don’t talk like that.” He’s quick to reply, and she could hear him get up from the bed she supposed he was sitting on.
“You missed my birthday! What am I supposed to say?”
“Enough with this birthday! I explained how things went already. You can’t just leave me like that for a single mistake”.
“But it’s not just the birthday! it’s… everything” she snapped, tired of him dragging a situation that’s been difficult long before he missed her birthday.
“Everything? You’re being unfair, YN. I tried with all I could to be present”
“But you didn’t! You never call, you’re always busy doing god knows what! -
“I’m working, YN, what do you think!” He interrupted her, but she started again with a scoff.
“I feel like I don’t know you anymore, H… buying fancy cars, hanging out with models… what? am I not enough for you anymore? Is that it? If you want out, why don’t you tell me? Why don’t you leave me?”
At that point she was certain she was crying, she could feel the warm tears streaming down her cheeks, but, in the confines of her home, she didn’t really care. Plus, it’s not like Harry hadn’t really seen her cry before.
She cried when she got her first A in maths Harry helped her study for (she had studied really hard), she cried in his arms all night when her childhood dog died (he had died an happy death at 16 years old, but still, it didn’t dull the pain), she cried to him when a mean guy called her four eyes in middle school and Harry had threatened to beat the shit out of him (she realised she loved him then), and she cried with him when he received the call he’d been selected to audition on xfactor.
All these times she’d cried, he had always been there to console her, comfort her, rubbing her back, holding her close to his chest, caressing her face with his soft hands. Where was he now, then? Why, after she threatened to end their relationship, he didn’t drop everything and hop on the first flight home? Why was she crying alone in her room?
A beat passed before he answered, and she wondered if he’s mustering up the courage to leave her. To finally do it. She hoped he would, quick and painless.
“I don’t want to leave you, even if it hurts, okay? You think it doesn’t pain me hearing you cry and not being there? It does. But I won’t give up on us. Even if it hurts, I’m not giving up. Are you?”
“I don’t know” she started, uncertain on what to say.
“No, you know, you know you love me. You do love me, right?”
“Of course I do” she reiterated, sniffling with her nose.
“That’s all that matters. We’ll get through this, I swear.”
It took a little bit more of convincing until YN finally gave in. She didn’t know how long this would go on for, how long they could make it last before going off like a grenade and destroying everything around them.
All she knew is this time, he didn’t even promise he’d come back to her soon. What did it mean? Is something not said as important as what was actually said?
-
After six months he’s been away, YN realises she should have left him that night. She would have saved herself so many missed calls, broken lines, fights and once again, tears.
Her desire to keep watering a dead plant ruined everything in the end.
She wanted out the very first moment he started missing her calls, she wanted to end it, and had she done it, by now she’d be somewhat partially healed, hanging out with her friends, checking his profile maybe once a week when she was really drunk.
But no.
These six months without him only alienated her and hurt her, and she’s finally mustered up the courage to leave him like she intended to.
It’s not a threat this time, as she tries to find the best words to leave him with.
She’s typing her message when her phone screen turns black for a fraction of a second and then his picture invades the screen.
Call from: Harry
“YN” he breathes out, not even letting her say hi to him, “I’m coming home. They told us today, I’m coming home.” he repeats, so many times he doesn’t even let her process this new information.
She doesn’t say anything, the words she has longed to hear for a long time now seem dull, like a cruel joke she doesn’t understand.
“You’re coming home?” She gulps, trying to steady her racing heart.
“Yes!” He exclaims, and then he proceeds to explain the logistics of his trip back home, how all the guys had begged for some time off and how the label finally agreed on two weeks of rest.
All YN can think about is how this is all too overwhelming to understand.
It’s been six months since she’s seen him.
How will it feel? Seeing him again after so long? Touching him? She feels like she doesn’t really know him anymore. So many things he did without her, so many people he met she doesn’t know and she will never be introduced to, so many new songs written, some that aren’t even about her.
She really wants to be happy, trust me she does, but all she can think about is how it feels like, by now, they’re as close as strangers.
