So last year I excitedly made my way to the very first Revoice conference. I was more confident than my expedition to the retreat and even more excited to see familiar faces as well as put voices to friends from our group. As I walked into the little church for our preconference those of us that knew each other greeted each other with smiles and embraces. Later me and 15 other friends met together in the house we would share that weekend. That night you could feel the awe and excitement in the air as 450 participants packed ourselves into Memorial Presbyterian Church. We were almost in shock and as a friend put it,"the family reunion that we didn't know we needed." We came together to tend to parts of our lives that we had been told weren't supposed to exist. Putting it lightly, it was amazing.
Yet, with all that being said, it still triggered my first full blown anxiety attack. By the afternoon of the last day I was already noticing that I wasn't exactly feeling 100%, but there was just so much going on that I couldn't put my finger on it. I had nearly lost my appetite and my stomach was in knots. The service and the worship that night was great and I cried and I figured that was all I needed. So I went out one last time and had fun with my friends and said my good-byes. I woke up and made my way to the airport feeling just fine, but as I headed to my plane it all came rushing back. I was exhausted and slept on the airport floor as I waited that afternoon for my second plane. I tried journaling and I processed and I thought until I couldn't anymore. I got home, showered, watched some tv, drank some tea, and then I just fell apart. I couldn't shake whatever I was feeling. I even videoed myself trying to figure out what was wrong while in tears and sent it to the group of us that had gone to revoice. The whole conference was as sensory overload for me - emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. Over time I worked up my strength and I felt better, but I felt weighted and tired in a way that I couldn't decyfer or get rid of. Then months later, the Urbana missions conference seemed to just fall out of the sky.
Around Thanksgiving I was contacted by someone who works at Intervarsity to see if I wanted to speak at their missions conference. It was an invitation to speak on a panel about the challenges of being a queer/same sex attracted individual in missions. I had my doubts and fears, but it was a trip to St. Louis so why not? The conference was 2 days after Christmas and as the days came closer I did have this small fear of another anxiety attack. While this was a missions conference and the focus was not 100% lgbt stuff, the reason I was there was. And all the friends I have in St. Louis are my gay friends. I got there and did okay the first day. Towards the end of the second day I was feeling tired and loss of appetite. Then I saw some friends and it eased me a little. But what really put me at ease was the service right before that. I sat in the one lone corner of a giant dome and worshiped. When the worship team began to sing in Spanish I broke. I felt at home. I felt God telling me that "all this" would not disqualify me from my calling. He ministered to me the very thing I was there to speak on, and as I cried the burden and weight that I had been carrying in the months since Revoice was gone. I still felt a little weak and had a migraine all the next day, but by the time the panel was over I felt like a new person. At first I thought maybe it was just excitement and an emotional high, but after I had been home for a while and had already rung in the New Year, I knew something had changed. I felt like hope had been renewed in me.
