Thank you to @picklepunch for sharing this post with me, because this photo of Jensen looks like he's taking communion and that just got my priest!kink sitting up and begging.
And got me thinking about 'shine a little light on my soul' by @sixtysevenautomatic
And now, as soon as I'm done re-reading Presence by @ani-coolgirl, I'll have to go and re-read it next.
Notes: The alternative names are nicknames AND! I hope i didn't mischaracterized! These are basically like my headcannons and/or take on the characters!
Warnings: Religious themes, disturbing images, descriptions of extreme fear and/or mental breakdown
"Its hard to not worry when your running around like that" He has been running off, terrorizing the people again, its hard to keep Samuel in Lord's home, i keep saving towns people from him, i keep saying tie and time again; if he keeps this up, our...Lord will force Me to get rid of him, and seems like he is alvery fed up with everything I've been doing, im afraid my Lord is considering me sinful, I'm afraid he considers the followers in his home as sinful.
So many times, I've been angry and I'm- well, guilty, Jade tells me to get leads from the Lord, while the kid's find it funny and amusing,
Our Lord hasn't visited its home in a while, sure he comes for gatherings, sacrifices, weekly gatherings for wishes and prayers of the townspeople, but she doesn't really open up to me anymore, only small talks and requests, which is fine on its own, im delighted to work with Our Lord, but it still feels...off, they sometimes asked if i wanted something or had something in mind. I...refused, cause i feel like I'm being..way too much.
So i developed a stragedy by now: here and then i just do journalling, its not much but it keeps me from talking to The Lord well enough, i know our Lord still knows but it's better then talking to him directly, is it?
After a lot of duties, i do deserve time alone. So.. today's a great token to use that time, A follower i actually trust in charge agreed to fill my place, so..after getting samuel ready and getting the kids by my side, i..just took off wherever my mind planned; Home
"Father?" I hear akari calling out as we walk out, i tilt my glasses in encouragement "Yes, child? Is there an issue?" The children pause between each other, i dont look down, i was quite busy holding Samuel up in his feet again, but i sense the kids whispering between each other and not long after, Smiley(The smiling girl) speaks to me.
— "Why do you always look so tired?"
Then the other's follow along, putting their pile of questions
— "Yea! You almost passed out during prayers today!"
— "Do you take care of yourself?"
— "Why dont you talk to the Lord anymore?"
— "Is everything okay Dad?"
In a powered rush of questions, i managed to hold samuel up which who finnaly stepped back on his feel again, glancing back at the kids who are still talking, i hold my hand up, signaling them to stop, but knowing kids, they kept adding questions...which would be fine.
— "Kids! Kids. Please! Silence! I alvery have a lot in my mind, i need to get samuel home, i need to buy food, I will answer! But your not getting any answers if you're pilling your questions better then when folding the laundry!"
I let out a pant, letting my words sink in, i see their eyes painting with confusion before they all look away, smiley rubbed her arm, Pal(player) clears their throat and looks down and akari awkwardly fidgets her sleeves, looking away but trying to sneak back glances but they fail away.
My patience with kids is...almost unending, but for the past few days, these 3 tried way yo hard to be my makeshift therapists that I feel like i have to firm myself with them.
— "Look, i appreciate your studies, i appreciated how you want to help. But please, you all are too young to...begin ti understand adult life right now, so.."
I trail away and rub my temples, which makes me unintentionally look angrier to the 3 and even Samuel who is looking down on me, with a last effort, i take off my glasses and let them hang off my face and softly:
— "Say..how about i take you all to our favorite restaurant and you all get ur favorite thing packaged on the way home?"
— "Really? Your not...mad?"
Pal was the first one to hesitantly speak up, but their head was still down, it makes me crack a chuckle and i raise my hand to pet their head.
Before i even could process, we were sitting at the dinner table, the kids were talking to each other about their day, Pal was talking with Samuel, strangely. By now, i never thought the kids would warm up to him, giving Samuels unnatural, wobbly nature and the way he can't stand,
I couldn't focus about what they were saying, but
It was something about... Samuel being their sibling, asking about likes, dislikes, trying to get samuel to talk ot do an act of communication, its...warming to see kids finnaly like him, other then me feeling...alone from all the weight i felt for a streak of 3 days.
While the kids ate, i was scribbling down numbers and equations. Worrying about the prices of the bill we got today and it looked..well, not great, its cost could only give us 5 dinners for the remaining week,
And im underperforming and doing sloppy at the job again, which is always great, isnt it? I count, i solve, i do another, count, solve, repeat.
— "Dad! Dad!"
I flinch up and drop my pen which makes the 3 laugh and Samuel to twitch happily, i sigh and give them a curious eye
— "Not funny."
— "It was to me tho!"
— "Yea!! You were like: "Aaaa!!!!!" "
— "and a little bit of "Gaaasssppp!!!" "
The 4 laughs at me once more, but i tackle along and chuckle with them, until without a break and a warning
— "What are you doing with that journal, dad?"
— "I- heh! Gracious. Its not pretty tho"
— "Cmonnn! We can take it!"
— "Well im doing math equations for-"
As i expected, Smiley whines before i could finish
— "Borriinggg!"
— "Hey! Let father breath, he helps with your homework too!"
— "Nuh uh!"
— "Fuck you mean nuh uh?!"
— " i mean nuh u-
— "Who teached you?"
Akari slowly turns her head to me with widen pupils, she keeps saying so much swears that her siblings started copying her, which i highly try to avoid from happening, i ground her a lot cause of it,
Her defense is that i slip up and use it too, which yes i do, but its different whrn my KIDS try to replicate those words from their Sister whom i trust with her calmness to discipline her adopted siblings.
— "Ha-haha. Sorry!"
— "Whats wrong with saying f-"
— "Do i need to repeat this again? You will NOT swear, nor in secret or anywhere!"
They all collectively say "Yes father" and go back to their dinner's.
"I fucked up again." A strain of thought came to me again but i didn't speak up. I just.... continued what i was doing too
The remaining od the night wasn't better, the 4 was either awkward or bitter torwards me, i mean why wouldn't they? I've been snappy for like..how long? I can't remember from how late it was, like 01:30 Am and the 4 newly slept
I close my door and look at the wooden material, caressing it with my fingers and looking aimlessly at it for a while before i frown and sigh at myself, stepping into my room and stripping my uniform with sharp, aggressive throws and putting on something comfortable, a loose under-shirt and loose pants i found from the bottom of my closet, my hands take my glasses off as i stumble, i felt so..dizzy from how Shit i slept for a while.
I don't remember how long I've been like this, what even..happened today? How many days did this happen?
But Fuck that i suppose, the monet my head hit the pillows, my memories only registered my light head and extreme blurriness before i find myself passed out from fatigue in under what? 4 seconds? 1 minute?
__________
I lucidly visualize a dream, it felt like it lasted for almost 3 days from how long it was,
Let me get this straight: it wasn't a Dream, it was a Nightmare.
I remember standing on a carpet floor, i could almost smell how...old it was, the smell reminded me of the play corners for kids in the courses i send my kids to, I don't remember how many kids i have.
Another thing was, the floor was..moving like an ocean wave, i remember aimlessly holding onto the moldy, wet wall with a dulled pink with clouds all over it, a narrow hall that looked like a hall back in the church, the church small, narrow hall that leads to the bathrooms,
Don't really know but i remember holding my stomach and the wall, my stance was off almost like i was gonna throw up or injured.
I almost feel like that this was a somewhat altered memory of that hall i hate to cross every now and then.
I wish it was just a walk and it ended with me waking up until...i stopped, the door in the end of the wall started getting...higher and..stairs and before i knew it, i was running from our Lord screaming and taunting me, i remember the floor shaking in a frantic wave manner to the point i have a lot of close calls and fall a lot of times, i still... can't Get my Lord screams and Taunts from my mind.
I remember he said things like "YOU UNRELIABLE, WORTHLESS FOLLOWER" "GET BACK HERE" "YOU CAN'T LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND CAN YOU?" "ONE HAS TO GO" "IM GONNA DRAG YOU TO HELL"
It felt like an eternity. So long that i felt my dream consciousness gain fatigue and spill tears. My chest felt tighter, my eyes where blurrier
And the next few things i remember seeing was..blurs, but i remember the feeling of getting picked up, probably by Our Lord and Her Fastly charging me to the ground.
I woke up
I felt so weak, everything was still shaking: my heart felt on fire and so light at the same time, my body was shaking but nothing beside one of my arms were moving.
Every part of my body felt so numb, and it slowly projected onto my face, my eyes were widened, blurry, i couldn't see from the sudden darkness for so long my eyes looked up into it and for some reason, i couldn't..look away.
I couldn't stop looking, i couldn't mutter a word, i couldn't feel my body anymore, my hands, my legs, my stomach, my head.
It was too much, way too much, yet the nail in the coffin was STRUCK me right on the stomach once i saw one more thing in the happen to be a wide open door
A slight movement of.. something, someone, the extreme, severe fear in my body came to as i finnaly break from my trance and give myself a hard, Unnecessarily hard punch right on the face
I still don't remember what drove me to...do that to make me unconscious a second time, desperation? Fear? Overload? But whatever it was, made me wake up tomorrow.
And strangely, despite remembering my screams and muters, apparently, My kids slept soundly and heard nothing the whole night, including samuel who joined the kids in their bedroom by sleeping on the floor.
But thank you Lord it was a dream, it was only a dream and a misunderstanding.
little WIP of my sam in church art, while i try to ease myself into drawing again... anybody else who struggles with their art because of mental health?? If you have any advice drop it in the comments !!
