#privated post

[thxrnedquartz]

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It’s been a while since I’ve seen Lapis now, but I still...don’t know how I feel, over all. I’m so glad she’s back, really, I am. But I can’t stop thinking about what I experienced...

Is it wrong of me to feel a bit cautious? I don’t even know if she remembered my meltdown. It’s not like she caused it. That was my own fault for not leaving Little Homeworld when I started to notice I couldn’t handle everything.

And...I know this state we’re all in...this...Refraction... It didn’t change any of us into monsters, we’re still the same, but I can only imagine how much more dangerous Lapis can be, if the many, many downpours are any indication. 

I wish I could just...fix this.

I don’t want these powers anymore.

I don’t want to deal with this anymore.

I want everything to be...normal again.

But...it never will.

Just another problem to blame on the diamonds. Sometimes I wonder if I was stupid and foolish enough to believe peace was an option.

If it wasn’t for me...perhaps this wouldn’t have happened at all.

[thxrnedquartz]

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Am I weak? Am I pathetic? I...

It’s been over a week, maybe more, why am I still thinking about this at the most inappropriate times? 

I want to sleep.

I should be sleep.

Leave me alone.

...Maybe I should see Lars or Connie when I wake up.

I don’t want to be alone.

[thxrnedquartz]

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I’m up late again... Can’t sleep, and I still think about that...that fight, with her. 

Lately I don’t really...feel like doing much of anything at all. I wonder if the others noticed. 

I don’t know, I feel bad, and I don’t know why.

[thxrnedquartz]

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...Also I think I broke a bone in that fight. But it??? Doesn’t seem like it? 

Uuuuhhhhhh.

It’s probably nothing to worry about.

[thxrnedquartz]

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I can’t tell Peridot how bad it was. Or that I was fighting her. I just can’t.

I feel so bad for hiding it. But I’d feel worst if I didn’t tell her. Seeing that...I can only wonder if she’s panicking or not. 

I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking!

[thxrnedquartz]

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I do hope she’ll be good, though. Considering everything that’s been going on with my powers...

No, I can’t...let myself worry about that. It should be fine. Everything’s fine. She’ll have a great welcome back day!

[thxrnedquartz]

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I keep wondering what Peridot means with that realness factor tag. Something she saw...has to include something like that, right?

Something that makes the timeline make sense... Wasn’t it because we’re in a multiverse? And we got unlucky with this great threat one day? 

Though, when I think about it...it could’ve been worst. We could’ve not gotten help. And the stupid thing could’ve targeted anyone. It could’ve targeted Lapis, instead of her condition being the by product....

Or me... Cause theoretically, I can make...an infinite number of “minions” even without any real offensive abilities.