He started talking about his long time girlfriend (they're still together) and their plans of finishing their college degrees and hopefully making the distance work. About getting married and starting a family. About once they're stable enough taking care of his girlfriends disabled sister. He had everything planned out and I just sat there in the hour he talked about everything in-depth thinking "I don't have any plans or career goals. I don't know who I want to be, or where I want to be or who I want to be there with."
After dwelling on that for some reason I found solace in the fact that I could die and nobody would be hurt. My family and friends would be sad of course, but nobody's plans would be ruined. Nobody's wife and kids would go hungry, nobody would have to start all over, and for some reason that felt good.
It's almost been a year since that talk and almost a year with that mindset and I don't know what to think. I've been single that whole time and I haven't really been looking. I use to think it was sort of courageously selfish but I keep spending my late nights doing nothing but getting stuck in my own thoughts.
I'm just going to go to bed and hope that moving to NYC for school next semester will be what I need to make me less pathetic.
