#probablydeletethislater

[womaninaburninghouse]

Honestly...the sheer amount of reassurance I need on a regular basis is so tiring and frustrating. I keep just not asking for it but the anxiety from not asking is just as frustrating...

I might be getting anxiety meds tomorrow though so there’s that

[thisisblizzard]

Tired, shitty mood and bored. So here. Whatever.

So I've never travelled. Well not internationally at least. So many of my friends have been all over the globe, kinda makes you feel a bit left out... Jobs for me have been few and far inbetween but I've never really struggled to get by. It's just just that there have been other things I'd rather spend my money on than a blow out in Bali or backpack Europe. All that being said, there's a really big part of me that really wants to travel, to be in wide eyed amazement of all the amazing things. Now I'm only 25. But I've seen some shit in those 25 years. A substantial part of this is from being a RN, the rest is from fire & rescue positions.  Nursing is a pretty deep line of work. You deal with some incredibly confronting things. A 2 year old boy with a traumatic amputation, a 74 year old male, non responsive while his wife quietly holds his hand. And as you busy yourself prepping the next inotrope infusion, you can hear the time between the monitor beeps increasing. I can still remember one of the first pediatric patients I looked after. She was 36 weeks old with both ASD and VSD. She came in on the Tuesday and died Friday morning. There was nothing we could do. I can still see her face. I dont feel much like talking about some of the things I've seen during my time with various emergency services. There's some things that occasionally keep me awake at night and I don't feel like rehashing them. I remember this episode of M*A*S*H, I can't quite recall the title of the episode, but it's the one where the USO girls visit the camp when one of them has appendicitis or something trivial. One of my MASHblrs can probably name it! Anyway, she ends up falling for Hawkeye and at the end of the episode he's trying to explain to her why they can't be together. And again, I can't  recall the exact words but he explains that she is innocent, pure and "wide eyed", while he as a trauma surgeon has seen too much to ever be wide eyed again. And I guess this episode has just stuck with me, I feel like I've seen too much... But it sure would be nice to be wide eyed again....