sores occupy the body of her tongue. the compulsion to bite parts of her had crept back. the target was her tongue once again. she would run it through her teeth so much that it gets raw. something about wintertime always helped cause every old and new nervous tick. but it's not a thing she can simply stop doing, though she did have a knack for deliberately harming herself even when she wouldn't be wholly aware sometimes.
a new term has come to her knowledge recently: champagne socialist. for those who have never heard it, it's a popular british byname for self-proclaimed socialists whose luxurious lives conflicted their political ideals. ipso facto, chaeyeon embodied this epithet. she may have held this guilt over her existence—it hung heavy on her shoulders—but the realisations regarding her clashing beliefs were interminable and constant. the small-scale undertakings she would carry out to remedy her anxiety about such thoughts were realistic but weren't enough. it didn't help that she believed it never will be until she ceases to exist completely. perhaps she just didn't know it yet but luckily for the people in her life, she had managed to draw in and surround herself with reasons to stay.
chaeyeon tossed the sheets over to jump out of bed. with heavy steps and eyes still half closed, she kicked the bathroom door open hoping to relieve herself and inspect what foul curses have made its home within her mouth. in her languid effort to stand, she ended up knocking over the cup that she had been using for oral rinsing. the crashing and tinkling of it against the tiles was enough to jolt her awake, yet her mind continued to subsist within the realm of which dreams would materialise, not bothered that the lights remained off.
she stood in front of the mirror, slouched toward the softly pissing sink, next to pieces of the splintered cup. she kissed her teeth at the dull sight of it then at the sight of herself; the vague shape of her in the dimmed bathroom. the door slightly ajar was the only source of light so when she stepped to reach for the switch, her heel suffered the consequences of moving in the dark. "fuck—" she said under her breath. the shattered porcelain had done the deed, she conveniently argued.
careful of stepping on more shards, she hopped on one leg only to lose her footing and fall over, rear first to the tub. a sigh of defeat left her mouth as she keeled over to cleanse the crimson that had rapidly started to ooze out of her skin. it slithered to nuzzle the drain, that whirlpool of blood and water. she watched, unblinking, and serial killer calm about the amount of blood she had lost over just a little prick.
she needs to replace that cup, she thought. she needs more scented candles and incense, more pots and chinaware. she needs to fill this house to capacity. the hoarding was almost compulsive. if it wasn't for the housekeeper that occasionally came, her living space would have become cramped with only narrow pathways winding through stacks of clutter.
but what really required her utmost attention was the fact that she needed to get back to sumin for that pajama shopping. they had a lot of plans that never panned out, but one that stuck out was her mentioning something about finding nice pots in gyeongbuk. why it had to be that far out, chaeyeon couldn't even begin to imagine. as someone who had been carping of sumin's full schedule, chaeyeon hadn't the luxury to make specific requests. she simply complied. besides, she was a big fan of pottery.
perhaps she needed the break. she had been yearning for one—a little trip to separate herself from responsibilities—since the holidays and its blues had loomed over her head like a rain cloud.
for the very moment at least, she needed to patch up her new wound. chaeyeon could hear wolfgang's faint chattering from outside. realising he had just come back from whatever hunt he was pursuing the night before, she's just hoping he didn't also arrive with wounds of his own. her brain wasn't cooperating enough as it is. she was already on autopilot.
with whatever strength she had left from the fast moving morning, she pushed her weight off where she was awkwardly reclined. she successfully turned on the lights this time. the placing of the mirror made it inevitable for her to see her reflection once again, clearer and more awake this time. she looked terrible, like she hadn't been doing well in a long while. to an extent, it was true. she even missed her own birthday, only reminded by the faculty at hope's peak and a message from a distant friend.
yeoreum would whimper around her as if this little fluffball of a canine was sympathetic of the state chaeyeon was in. it didn't occur to her what the root of this was but it was evident that even despite the highs she would experience, nothing could take away the inexplicable sadness. the mind that was perennially striving to kill her was nowhere near stopping. now it seemed that even her house was in connivance with that brain of hers.
she shouldn't have looked at her foot, but her eyes did the thing again; that weird leering, when her lids would roll all the way up as if being held by magnet, and her pupils would be dilated as if she had taken opiates. wolfgang took a break from absorbing the sunlight-heat casting past the blinds, onto the wall he had adorned, to wove himself through chaeyeon's lap. he paws at her foot, beckoning.
"you want a close up, bud? it's just a scratch," the feline approached cautiously. what happened next melted chaeyeon into a puddle. she winced first then carefully stayed still, but it melted her nevertheless. the cat had started licking her tiny injury like she was his altricial little kitten, completely dependent on him for her survival. it reminded her exactly why she kept these animal companions. the simple joys that brought on a transient warmth. though fleeting and impermanent, it was sufficient enough of a nudge to ease the dull pain. figuratively and metaphorically.
the wound had been dressed, the cat had been petted, and chaeyeon had settled back into bed with her legs elevated. she stretched her arm, reaching for the bedside desk where her phone laid on the edge to finally respond to messages. she started packing in between text messages where they engaged in playful banter and made jests about exhibitionism in the train, which was the preferred mode of transport of the pseudo-educator who had been battling with her freshly resurfaced guilty conscience about her privileged lifestyle.
"the outer circle train for (hapjeong) is approaching."
"the gap between the train and the platform is wide at this station, please be careful when getting on and off the train."
"this station is (hapjeong), (holt children's services inc.) station. the doors are on the right."
"passengers going in the direction of (eungam) or (bonghwasan) should transfer to line (6) at this station."
it was during the train ride that she had figured out why gyeongbuk. it was sumin's hometown. she blew a raspberry at thought of even forgetting such an elementary fact about her paramour. you know, the woman she has had a push and pull situationship with for how many years now?
the train doors opened and chaeyeon immediately spots sumin waiting on the bench, busied with her phone. extreme as it seemed—and she haaaated to admit it—but what she felt was a quiet emotion that in time became part of the oxygen she needed to breathe. it was why any form of removal or separation would happen and the emotions begin to choke. this was chaeyeon's heart-song, in promise and bodily presence. this was stardust so compacted in the universe, it birthed its own gravity and radiant light.
chaeyeon thought, 'if she could surprise me by her simply being there, i should return the favor.' with a peck on the cheek. it served its purpose perfectly. but the abrupt link was so casual, almost as if they had been at this for as long as she could remember. perhaps there was some truth to that, only this time the sourness of past memories had mingled seamlessly with the sweet of now.
"this train is bound for (jangam), (jangam). thank you."
"the train is equipped with seating for passengers who are elderly, disabled, pregnant, accompanying children, or otherwise vulnerable. we ask that you show consideration by yielding seats especially to women in early pregnancy who may not yet be showing. thank you."
there was nothing really different. they walked hand in hand to their transfer platform on cue. in the train, their laughter would bubble every now and then and interrupt other people's peaceful daily commute. maybe sumin would be conscious of it, as the more socially adept of the two, but if anyone had any kind of objection, chaeyeon wouldn't care. for the moment, her worries had evaporated. her soul had stopped the search and no longer sought a path. instead it sat on soft grass upon a gentle hill, like it was the simplest and most natural thing to happen.
the pair gets off at the express bus terminal station where sumin's car was parked. they loaded the trunk with their backpacks. sumin took the wheel while chaeyeon rode shotgun. before they're even completely settled, they indulge each other in their physical fantasies, self-preservation be damned as the concept of personal space had been thrown out the window. the rest of the drive consisted of more playful banter sprinkled with coquetry, music and singing.
they arrive at their first destination; the clothing store, where chaeyeon was immediately sifting through the pajama section, lest her partner decides to take up their day just picking between two sets and finding something else to buy entirely.
chaeyeon found the stars, ones that weren't as bright as the lover that had brought her along, but that suited the brilliance of her. she saw it from all the way where she stood at the boundary of the racks. she stood right in front of it, whistling unsuspectingly. spotting sumin with an empty hand and an audible sigh intruded upon chaeyeon's treble. she laughed at the endearing sight.
"you need help, miss?" she teased, then pulled out the hanger that bore the pajama set she thought matched sumin's lustrous aura. "i don't have a cool sales pitch but this looks like it'll be a good fit."
the enthusiasm in sumin's reaction was refreshing as she was a little harder to impress, or at least she thought. she had been trying more than she would have with others. it could have been her own resistance or simply her yielding to her own harsh self critique but considering their history and all the trauma that came with it, winning her over felt nearly impossible. all despite their undeniable closeness.
next on the list of activities was the wearying task that involved what had caused her accident in the bathroom just that same morning. within the home goods store, presented were earth-kind objects with a story. the items were clearly upcycled, relying not on virgin materials, but made by breathing new life into deadstock, vintage, and antique. perhaps it was an image, this impression that their artisans tread lightly on the planet—from production to impact, once they are no longer in use. she had never been in this specific store. it was more of a feeling, a reaction to the ambience. chaeyeon could sense the sentience entailed.
chaeyeon didn't fuss too much. she knew she wanted as many things as she could purchase but she walked through the isles as if she had come for one thing and one thing only. she passed across the rug selection, the wood-based furniture, and flatware, reaching the dinnerware with racks filled with ceramics. she found a handmade cup of black terracotta clay with a glossy white glaze that called itself a 'simple teacup'. it was reminiscent of france in the long nineteenth century, after the devastating regime of napoleon along with the back and forth between empire and republic, thus the aftermath that made la belle époque, when it appeared to be a time of joie de vivre. she picked it without hesitation.
she stopped in her tracks as she spotted a curious little incense holder detailed with a cat's body. beside it was a box of incense marked with 'encens' on the front. on the back, it read: a strange trunk of agarwood ran aground on a beach on the island of awaji. the villagers picked up the branch and burned part of it to warm themselves and a wonderful smell arose, a scent so intoxicating that they decided to offer it as tribute to the empress and prince shotoku. from then on, the fate of awaji was decided and the island would be entirely dedicated to the production of incense; a sanctuary of scents that brought places home. chaeyeon was a sucker for old legends told around the campfire or a roaring hearth. it was another instant purchase.
once the items had been paid for, chaeyeon took out her camera, eager to capture every enchanting display that came to view through the lens. except for one—the exact opposite of charm—a grumbling idiot that greeted her with a huff. the elder stranger gave her an earful about taking images, how it was disrespectful despite there being no signs that said so. the assassin simply looked at them, deadpan and inscrutable.
"this is why kids shouldn't be allowed in here," the stranger stated.
"right. i do wonder why they let you in here," she responded with a blank expression. it was more than enough to send them over the edge, resulting in an outpour of anger thereafter.
chaeyeon laughed subtly at their face, provoking even further, while still keeping her composure. she was an expert in such conflicts. with strangers, that is. she had a short fuse. if had been between her and sumin, she would have been what this elderly was to her; the epitome of animosity.
sumin along with an attendant discerned what had started to transpire but chaeyeon simply shrugged. "it's fine. we can leave." she said, gripping at the bags she held. "good luck with the rest of your shift, sincerely," she continued, addressing the attendant that came to intervene.
"what a fucking menace. i hate old people," she muttered as she pulled out a pack of cigarettes already half emptied, but realising she was with company, that of someone who she wanted to see only the good parts of her, she decided against smoking. still, cat's out the bag. a vice that she had broken free from has returned just like all the rest of her unhealthy habits. in retrospect, asking sumin for a more formal confirmation of their relationship was her way of salvage. hapless as it is, chaeyeon was still unaware of the fact. or perhaps she was. but her forte was denial. self-reflection? chaeyeon doesn't know her.
she took out the incense holder from its package, raising it up for a good look under sunlight. "look at this. cute, right?" she said, dismissing everything that had happened just a few moments ago. she then stored it back, gesturing for sumin to come back to the car. and maybe she was regretting this short trip thus far, apparent from her reluctance to simply act in accordance to chaeyeon's biddings. chaeyeon had ways to turn things around, however. it was one of the only pluses.
their final stop for the eventful day was a pottery and ceramics store. chaeyeon was under the impression that they would come to purchase already made goods but it seemed her partner had other plans. where pottery was involved, chaeyeon knew many places for classes in seoul. since she wasn't familiar with activities within the vicinity, sumin naturally took the lead and was able to organise one for them, a private one at that.
despite chaeyeon's skill in the art, they were given ample instructions for the sake of formality and most likely courtesy for the paid services included in the package. there was no reason for her to be irked as it was customary, but she was intending on showing sumin everything. the couple may have outgrown plenty of bad habits and unhealthy mindsets but one that hasn't left chaeyeon alone was her proprietorial nature.
she didn't like the way the instructor touched sumin's hand to assist her with wedging the clay. she didn't like how their shoulders would brush against each other accidentally and how they would laugh together at the fact. all the little harmless interactions irritated her. so when the instructor leaves, chaeyeon's beaming with a smile as if to say 'thank fuck. we don't need you here anymore. we never did.'
relieved by the privacy at present, she immediately dragged her chair to sit behind sumin with much gusto. her face was embellished with a giddy smile that reached ear to ear. sumin gave her a knowing look, or rather she squinted in such a way that she was communicating how she noticed the beady-eyed gaze chaeyeon had when they had company. "what?" she uttered suddenly, her smile fading for a second before she was back to giggling like a school girl to herself.
fingers glide down sumin's arms, chaeyeon's body following suit and scooting closer. her nerves become electrified at the contact. it was the anticipation of being near in a way that could be expressed beyond words, in a way that was so completely tangible. in the same manner as the earthenware clay, their hands molded against the wheel. bringing up walls together and making sure they didn't collapse while breaking down their personal walls felt intimately poetic. they did a few times but chaeyeon reassured sumin that it was part of the learning process. on the same note, she was trying to infer what she had gone through with opening back up to her old flame, how much back and forth she had with herself in doing so.
her hands relaxed atop sumin's once she had found the rhythm, chin rested on the cushion of her shoulder where chaeyeon could respire her partner's aroma. she stayed in quietude, intentional with her caresses. sumin paused to look behind, meeting chaeyeon's gaze. she stared at her wordlessly. with each turn of the wheel, they drew closer to each other until they were just a breath away. for one long second, they remained motionless until a knock on the wood dissolved the atmosphere. chaeyeon sat up in a daze. she shook her head and cleared her throat before pulling her chair away and back to where it used to be in defiance of her thundering chest. a few more moments passed in silence, stealing glances here and there, and they wrap up the session.
after a long day, they have decided to rent a hanok to stay in overnight as neither of them were awake enough to drive. they found a quaint spot near clusters of neighborhood boutiques and teeny-tiny cafés. there, they were greeted by rustic beams and large picture windows the moment they entered the establishment. a warm and friendly staff led them along the bamboo-trimmed zen garden and all the way to the sleeping quarters. inside the room, intricately made hanji covered the walls and doors.
her bandaged foot from hours ago sustained relief the moment she stepped on the cosy ondol heated floor. chaeyeon didn't waste any time scuttering to her side of the bed and drowning herself with the comfortable quilt once they have set up the plush futons beds. "we should eat." she suggested, sitting still under the covers. they haven't eaten in a good six to seven hours by now, apart from snacks they've bought along the way, here and there. but that wasn't the kind of sustenance chaeyeon was looking forward to. she couldn't care less what happens to this mortal body of hers.
"if you know what i mean," she continued after a long and tense pause.
her sexual appetite was a different story. oxytocin was her only honest addiction. she couldn't ever lie about the fact that one of her favourite things about sumin was her readiness to give rein to the same desires, whenever the chance arose.
lit was the incense within the holder that she had just purchased. its legend served as an allegory to their passion unveiled. it sent chaeyeon into a heady trance, one that wouldn't end until their bodies were still once more, just warm and nestled in as close as two souls can be. intimacy stretched gracefully into their dreams and wishes, filling the room that was twilight and shadow.
sumin's hand alit on her lover's face then moved past her collar bone. chaeyeon's paramour was her angel; her angel with fingertips of flame. in these moments, she loved with her eyes. every pretence had fallen, the facades they showed the world melting away.
with each kiss, there was raw intensity, fast breaths, entwined tongues, and thundering hearts. her angel's fingers revved her like divine fire. it sent her off to tensing. then, like being handed the holy grail, painted toes dig the futon upon chaeyeon's release. barely convalescing after her shivers, she plunged into returning the favor, trembling with want and acting upon it until they were both nothing but currents of pleasure, breathing in and gushing out like the ocean.
the rest of the night was spent in quiet moments, scribbling and sketching out their big thoughts until their brains tire out and fade into black. the day after was certainly better than yesterday's morning. beside chaeyeon was the first in her heart. the only person she really, really cared about.
it was a sweet moment until a text interrupted her reverie. the sender was a friend of both of them, as far as she knew. it read:
"are you a white or red wine kinda person?"
"correct answer."
"why the random question? are you looking for people to drink with?"
"i'm always looking for people to drink with. if you're ever lonely, (please) hit me up."
"because you said please, i will."
on second thought, maybe chaeyeon was a hopeless case.
