Our scene takes place... Who cares where it takes place? Suffice to say there's all that you'd find in a proper city.
Chorus: Why do I have to start? Oh, but for it is bad form to warn you, good playgoers, of your plight after the first scene. Two feuding families, and they forgot why - arguing for the sake of arguing. Two star-crossed fools who fell, contrary to policy, each for the other-
Man1: You rant!
Chorus: The play is a long breathless rant!
Man2: Cut it, we have to start.
Chorus: Two fools will fall in love and many idiots will die!
Act 1, scene 1.
Enter Sampson and Gregory – two Capulets.
Sampson: Damn them all, I won't do it.
Gregory: Stop bitching, you, we have to.
Sam: Got a problem?
Greg: You, nitwit.
Sam: My fist, your face.
Greg: A wonder you'd ever hit on me.
Sam: You sound like one of them Montague.
Greg: I do, do I? It's enough for you to run to your mom full pelt. As with a Montague.
Sam: As if, any of them, man or woman, would just have to bend.
Greg: That'd mean a lot of bending but you ain't the supplest.
Sam: What?
Greg: Nor the subtlest.
Sam: Gregory, you're pushing it.
Greg: Are we done with the lame puns?
Sam: Nah. So, if not bend, then a wall will do.
Greg: Too much information!
Sam: A wall to Montague's men head and one to their chicks' back.
Greg: Did I mention too much information here?
Sam: Spoilsport.
Greg: Anyway, it's not like we have to do much. We beat Montagues because old man Capulet is being bitchy about it and that's it.
Sam: And when I'll be done destroying those fuckers face with a bat, I'll get their bitches and I'll-
Greg: Do you listen to me?
Sam: You are a cockblock. Though a pretty good one.
Greg: Do I wanna know?
Sam: Considering the size of it-
Greg: I didn't want to know.
Enter Abraham and Balthasar – two Montagues.
Sam: Hey, look here if that's not a Montague pack!
Greg: A pair. What of it?
Sam: Betcha I can force them to start it.
Greg: ... How? - Wait, not sure I wanna know. [aside] If you flash them, I swear I'll make you eat it.
Sampson flips the bird at them.
Greg [aside]: Why did I think for one second that he would be subtle, why?
Abraham: Did you just flip us the bird?
Sam: I indeed did flip a bird.
Ab: Are you flipping it at US, Capulet?
Sam [aside to Greg]: You think we can get away with it if I say I did?
Greg [to Sam]: Nope, you’re toast.
Sam [aside]: Shit. [to Ab] You're mistaken, brother, I was merely saying 'hi', and no flipping no birds to you in particular, but a gesture easily mistaken.
Greg [aside]: M.o.r.o.n.
Ab: You little shit!
Balthasar: Just leave them. Capulet bitches have not nuts to crack.
Sam: Know from experience, don't ya?
Greg: And now you mock us? Fuck you!
Ab: What, fuck me? You'd never dare.
Sam: Is that a challenge, boy?
Ab: Only what you throw our way – you insult us, taunt us and expect us not to move.
Balt: Leave it! They want us to brawl.
Ab: And they'll get it!
Abraham readies to strike. Benvolio barges in.
Ben: Can't a man leave the two of you nitwits for more than five minutes without you starting a damned pissing contest??
Enters Tybalt.
Tyb: How eloquent, Benvolio.
Ben: Stay out of it.
Tyb: Not when my men are being idiots.
Ben: What, you, speaking sense? Someone, send for a shrink!
Tyb: They should have been more direct in their provocation.
Ben: Madmen!
Tyb: Need someone to kick your face in?
Ben: Promises.
Enters Prince [and his Suit].
Prince: Shut the hell up, why don't you all? I am sick and tired of your cock-fights! [MERCUTIO makes a face behind the PRINCE's back.] -Nephew, make fun of me again and you are grounded until married off to the Countess of Ferrare!- If you disturb my napping time ever again, I'll send you lot to the galleys!
Tyb [aside]: Too mild for a Montague.
Prince: Don't mutter in the beard you have not.
Tyb: Unlike some, I can shave.
Prince: Remember that I interceded in your favour when others would have you hanged for manslaughter. Begone.
Mercutio: Go chase mice, kitten!
Prince: Mercutio!
Exeunt - exc. Benvolio [The scene went on, but I thought I’d only keep the first bit for the R&Jweek.]
