Jun 30, 2024
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oc stuff? oc stuff?
HHEHEELPLEPLPLE ME
BRIAR: "I- I…. I'm saying sorry. For trying to use you as my excuse. I just… I wish it had been me, I guess." And it's quiet. BRIAR: "I don't want to die. But I'm not sure I can lose another person, Axel." AXEL: "I can't lose another person either, Briar." His voice is as levelled as it can be, shaking slightly, wanting to be louder and more aggressive about it. If he was louder, maybe the whole world could hear it. Maybe the world would stop taking. AXEL: "And that's why I need you to stay."
its two guys who lost someone they loved, the same person, sharing the guilt and weight of it, each blaming each other and themselves, until the realization hits. the desperation. please dont give up. youre the strongest of us. im not sure what ill do when you go. when i lose someone else who holds his memory.
i need you.
He's quiet for a moment. (Someone is asking him to stay. Asking him to stay. Point blank. I need you here. It's always Briar curling his fingers into things that leave. Being on the other end makes him kind of dizzy and kind of elated and really, really sad. He wonders, in a really gross, pathetic way, if this makes them friends.)
i need you here.
I made several (!) phonecalls to find out which of these bills need to be paid and I now have even less debt to pay for somehow? One simple (admittedly shaky and scared) call reduced the money I owe by half :)
Now I just have to figure out how to transfer money lol.
(I was never explained how to do the most basic shit of life honestly. So now I’m 28 and googling shit like: what is a pin and where do I find it? The work of becoming a person after having been a neglected child is a tragicomedy)
In honor of Briar being put up on artfight, art dump of some of his shit. I just realized he's always facing a specific direction what the fuck. Also here is his playlist
I figured out what I want to do next. I’ve decided on a career path, and yeah... I’m already 28 and I’ve decided to go back to university and I’m so so scared. The student debt isn’t even my biggest problem tbh. My fear is that I’ll be 31/32 when I finish the degree I want and it seems so late to finish uni. But then again I’ll be 32 anyways so I might as well be 32 with a degree and a plan for my life.
Good girl conditioning has me afraid of starting something that I know will lead to immense success. I’m really out here waiting for permission. ugh.
This week I had kind of a rough time with migraines so my anti lent project suffered a little. But this weekend I pulled myself together and sorted through my depression doom-pile of letters opened and un-opened of the past two years. Now I have 11 smaller doom piles. It’s a little improvement. At least one pile a day seems more manageable than one big mountain of stuff. may the universe give me the strength to sort my shit out in an effective and non-humiliating manner.
What a day!!! I did so many scary things today omg. I started my day by updating my tech. These updates always make me so nervous because I fear that data will be lost forever every time, but I did it and everything was fine today. Then I had to call my bank again. Twice. Only to be told that they can’t help me with the thing I need. Real bummer but I found a way in the end, even though this will take wayyyy too long but whatever. Better late than never I guess. After that I had another really scary phonecall, which worked out way better for me than I could have anticipated. Lastly, I went grocery shopping at night. You could think I was on fire today but more often than not I impersonated a fountain. Also I fear that there really is a correlation between my anxiety and my migraines :(
Went to therapy today and had a lot to cry about. spent the rest of the day looking at career and educational opportunities. I’m pretty sure I’ve made my choice about what I want to do with my life but it comes with heavy emotions, heavy student debt, and probably disruption in my family and social circles. For the first time in my life I have this vision and I can feel that I will do anything in my power to get there and start that process, but omg, this will be a very intense time family-wise.