ive had this idea simmering in the back of my head for actual years.
but i needed to be in a specific mind set to write it. it took an entire week to do, but finally it exists.
og was gonna be set earlier, but then i thought nah, lets make it a little later haha
i like to poke under étienne’s insecurities and see how his brain works on occasion.
or - étienne feels very inadequate
Underfoot ?, 2023+
Étienne doesn’t do it on purpose, honest. He doesn’t want to feel like this, but he’s found out the hard way that he has little to no control on the intrusive thoughts that weasel themselves into his mind and take up semi-permanent residence there.
Technically, he knows this is one such time.
However, he rather agrees with this series of thoughts. There is truth to them, if anything.
He doesn’t mean to lock himself up in the guestroom, but it feels like the safest place to be. Here, he is out of everyone’s way. Here, he will not bother Edward or Calvin. Here, he will be able to give them all the space they might want and need.
He sighs and stares up at the ceiling of the guestroom. If he looks at it long enough, he’ll start seeing shapes and patterns and even those seem to scold him for occupying too much space.
Disgruntled, he turns on his side and stares at the wall instead. There are other things in his field of vision that the judgemental patterns and shapes come later.
The truth is, he feels as though he’s in the way. More and more as every day comes and goes. More and more as he spies interactions between Calvin and Edward. More and more as he realises that he doesn’t belong here. At all.
This, he realises, this whole trip, has been a mistake. He should have stayed home and wallowed there instead. He wouldn’t have been in anyone’s way. He wouldn’t have bothered anyone.
He keeps to himself in the guestroom and tries to be invisible. Tries to occupy as little space as possible.
But even when he tries, there are still moments when he fails. He doesn’t plan them, but there are times when he’ll accidentally walk in on Calvin and Edward sharing a moment. Something sweet and private that serves to remind him that Edward has someone. That Edward does not need him as well. He doesn’t want to interrupt – knows how precious these moments can be and so he tries his best to step out without a sound. Blend in and disappear once more.
There are nights when his tossing and turning even gets on his own nerves and he’ll take to the guestroom not to rouse them both.
(And then, there were those nights when he’s gone to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, only to hear quiet muffled sounds from Edward’s room.
Or, that time when he’d been coming back from a stint in the living room, only to nearly run into Calvin who’d come out of Edward’s bedroom, dishevelled as all else, in nothing but his underwear, which had seemed to have been thrown on at the last minute, with what had looked like a smattering of hickeys on his body.
And that other time, a morning, when Edward had looked absolutely and irrevocably completely satisfied, with the most content of smiles on his face and he, out of anyone, would know what that look meant.
It makes him wonder, not for the first nor the last time, if he’s not in the way and what exactly it is that Edward gets from keeping him around, when he already has Calvin who can see to his every need.)
That’s the real question, isn’t it?
What does Edward get from him when he has Calvin?
Calvin who is kind.
Calvin who is cheerful.
Calvin who is attentive.
Calvin who lives close by.
Calvin and Edward constantly do things together, all the time, because of their proximity to one another. It seems as though Calvin is either always driving down, or Edward’s going up for the weekend. There are outings and activities and precious time spent together. They crash at each other’s on a whim and a spur of the moment thing. They do thousands of things together whereas he lives far, and they have little time to build anything worthwhile. It’s a production to see each other. Thoughtful planning that doesn’t always line up. No spur of the moment whim. For Edward to visit him, it’s an expense. Then, there’s never enough time together and by the time they finally settle around one another, the trip is over, and everything is to be started over again.
He's – not jealous. He’s envious of the time Calvin has with Edward.
He’s – not jealous of Calvin. But sometimes, he wishes Edward would have fallen for literally nearly anyone else. Someone who wasn’t so close. Someone who didn’t have so much history with Edward. Someone who wasn’t so damn near perfect.
(He knows, logically, that Calvin isn’t perfect. That he has faults. Yet, being here and seeing the man, it’s hard to believe that he isn’t the perfect boyfriend that Edward deserves. Hell, sometimes it feels as though Edward replaced him with a younger better model. The guy even fucking paints, for crying out loud.)
There’s a history between them. Between Calvin and Edward. They’re Calvin-and-Edward. Edward-and-Calvin. He knows, because Edward has told him that Calvin is his best friend, even if the man gets on his nerves often. They antagonise each other. They care deeply for one another. It’s complicated to others; it makes perfect sense to them.
(Étienne doesn’t always get it. He watches them interact sometimes, listens to their bickering and he doesn’t always understand, but he picks up on the familiarity of it. Of the comfort they find in the other. How easy it comes to them. They have History. They’ve seen each other at their worst. They’ve hurt one another. It’s them against the world. They’ll butt heads on different opinions. They’ll fight anyone who’ll try and hurt the other. It’s messy yet it’s beautiful.)
He sees it in the way Edward acts around Calvin. It’s comfortable. There’s no second guessing to it. Natural like breathing. Dare he say it, it’s authentic. He nearly laughs. He wonders, again, if he and Edward ever even had a fraction of what Edward has with Calvin. (He wonders if he’ll ever have what Edward and Calvin have. If he’s not living some great delusion. If he’s not humouring himself for a while longer, living this fantasy that’ll never be attainable for the likes of him.)
Sometimes, Calvin and Edward will go off on tangents. It won’t be the initial intent, but they’ll get wrapped up in some conversation and deep dive into a subject on their own. It’ll be full of inside jokes privy to only them two and Étienne will feel like the proverbial third wheel. Out of place. Out of touch.
And honestly, it’s fine. He knows he can’t be aware of everything. He knows he has his own inside jokes and tangents at times, but he doesn’t want to cut into the conversation and doesn’t know how to shift it to be included. However, there are times when it feels like everyone around him is just humouring him for whatever reason and that they’d all get along better if he wasn’t there. If he didn’t need to be included. Sometimes, he’ll politely excuse himself with a platitude of needing to use the washroom, going out for a smoke, or literally anything else that’ll get him out of the room where he may have not even been there to start with.
(How had he ever felt right footed in these circles before? Hadn’t he been once the center of attention? A master of conversation? Why can’t he carve out a place of his own when Calvin and Edward get absorbed into their little world?)
He wonders again, never remotely close to an answer. Does Edward pity him? Is that why he’s here? Out of pity? Had Edward thrown him a line out of pity? Deep down – he thinks he’s fairly sure that’s not the case, but his mind likes to wrap around everything good and turn it to ash. He doesn’t need Edward to pity him.
He knows it’s kind of pathetic to still have feelings for his best friend after so many years of radio silence. Edward doesn’t need to pretend for his sake. It’s okay, really, if this was all just a one-time thing. If Edward just needed to get a quick fuck out of his system. Relive the good old days once more. Hell, Edward could just want him as a side fling or a friend with benefits and Étienne would be fine. He thinks. Mostly, anyways. He’d get over himself. Edward doesn’t need to pretend to be in love with him when he has Calvin-the-Perfect-Boyfriend.
Calvin who isn’t broken like him.
Calvin who has less baggage than him.
Calvin who is flourishing as a city while he crumples to dust.
Irrelevant. Has been. Old. Derelict.
Edward doesn’t need that. (What does Edward even see in him?)
“There you are.”
Edward’s voice cuts through the fog in his brain, reaching out to him. Étienne turns to face the door, surprised to find him there. Edward doesn’t wait to be let in. Instead, he makes his way to the bed and sits on the edge of it. Étienne looks up at him, waiting to be scolded, waiting for some reproachful remark, but instead, Edward runs a gentle hand on his arm and the ugly thing that lives inside of Étienne that keeps him up on most night’s stills for a moment.
For the first few minutes, that’s all they do; Étienne remains curled in on himself while Edward caresses his arm, until slowly, but surely, it feels less daunting for Étienne to bridge the gap between them, and he finds the strength to seek Edward out. It takes a little bit of manoeuvring, but Edward eventually has him resting his head on his chest, while he sits with his back against the headboard and the rhythmic beating of Edward’s heart grounds him. His breathing returns to near normal and he finds that his thoughts slow down from their erratic spinning.
“Why are you here all alone?” Edward finally asks him just as Étienne starts to think that Edward will let him be and not pry into the matter. It had been bold of him to assume that Edward wasn’t going to pick up on his self-imposed isolation.
“Didn’t want to be in the way,” He answers, even if it’s only part of the truth.
He thinks Edward will drop it, but instead, Edward jostles them again so that they’re now laying face to face and Étienne knows by the frown on his friend’s face that the very last thing Edward will do is drop this issue.
“Even if you didn’t want to play video games with us, doesn’t mean you have to sit in this room all by yourself.”
Étienne wants to argue that he’s not alone. For starters, there are the never-ending thoughts that plague his mind, but he knows Edward will say that they’re not good company. He’d also say that he has Mercury, but even she has left his side for the time being.
Maybe he just wants to be left alone.
(He doesn’t. He hates being left alone.)
He shrugs instead and tries to look away from Edward’s kind and concerned face. He wonders, briefly, if Edward will ever look at him without concern (and if the kindness will disappear once more. He knows he wants to do his best not to let that happen, but still. He is a master of shooting himself in his own foot and it wouldn’t be the first time.)
“There’s enough room for you to sit with us, or on the armchair, or literally anywhere else. What’s this really about?”
Like a dog with a bone, Edward doesn’t seem ready to accept his half-assed excuses.
Étienne stares at the ceiling for a moment and knows he might as well come clean. Edward will only get annoyed if he keeps on being cagey and the last thing he wants if for Edward to get mad at him. Therefore, with a great big heaving sigh he admits to some of the thoughts ruminating in his mind. Tells Edward about being afraid he’s in the way. Wonders aloud about his place in Edward’s life. Even goes so far as to ask him about what he sees in him.
And for all his troubles, Edward laughs, a quiet little thing, as his fingers wrap around a strand of his hair. Étienne raises his head to look at him, only mildly annoyed at the reaction after he has dared to be honest and admit to what had been bothering him.
“I’m so very glad that my deep thoughts and insecurities are amusing to you.” He deflects and starts locking himself back up. Ready to leave and turn back. If this is what he gets for being vulnerable, then he’s not sure he likes it.
Maybe, he should have kept his mouth shut like usual. Too bad if Edward wanted them to be more open to each other and communicate or whatever. This would certainly teach him a lesson.
However, Edward pulls him back to him before he can do more damage than good and wraps strong arms around him. “No, no,” Edward starts even if he mildly protests, “I’m not laughing at you; promise,” Edward places a kiss to the crown of his head and he’s not sure if it helps the nerve-wracking fear that had suddenly made him want to impulsively leave, but he waits a beat longer for the rest of the explanation and he supposes it’s a start. “It’s just – Calvin feels the same about me and you and just the other week he nearly told me the same thing.”
Étienne gives him an incredulous look. He doesn’t believe him. He finds it really hard to believe that Calvin would feel that way. (Then again, he doesn’t really know Calvin – not like Edward does – hell, not like his own brother does.)
Still.
Why would Calvin feel insecure when Calvin has been orbiting around Edward since the start of his life, nearly?
“You’re just saying that,” He mumbles. Edward’s a kind person. He probably wants to spare his feelings and the ugly truth of it all.
“Or, maybe, I’m telling it to you as it is, because I think it’s hysterical that both my boyfriend’s feel the same.”
He thinks about it for a moment. He honest to God does and he’s grateful that Edward gives him the time to muddle through it. His thoughts are inconclusive, and he feels as though no amount of time would help him make sense of this.
“But you and Calvin have a present; all we have is a fucked up past.” Surely, there is no way in hell that Edward would have fond memories of the time they spent together back then. He – does. There were some good moments and good times. But – Edward wouldn’t. Not now that he’s known what a real relationship is with someone more emotionally available…
“First of all, do you honestly think that Calvin and I have always gotten along? That we don’t argue or get on each other’s very last nerve? Because if that’s what you think then boy have I got news for you,” Edward says it with an easy sort of amused grin to his face and – well, Étienne knows, deep down. Very deep down. The sane part of him knows that Calvin and Edward’s relationship – friendship and romantic – has not always been easy. Like with every relationship ever. There have been ups and downs. Blissful sweet moments and vitriolic disputes. The good and the bad. Nothing is perfect, really, and it takes work. He knows that. Really, he does, however it’s hard to believe when he sees Calvin with Edward. Sees the way Calvin’s eyes light up ever so when he looks at Edward. Sees the fondness on Edward’s face when he’s around Calvin.
“Second of all,” Edward continues before he can put his foot in his mouth any deeper, “Do you really think that there’s nothing I enjoyed from the time we spent together? Do you really believe that I hated all of it?”
Edward almost sounds – hurt – that he would think such a thing. That he would dare to think that Edward had hated spending time with him. He doesn’t want Edward to sound this way. Wants to take back his words and burry them in the backyard. Maybe put them with the compost so that something nice could come out of it.
“For the record,” He says after taking a deep breath, “For as much as some parts of it were really fucked up and messed up, I genuinely wanted to be with you. I enjoyed spending time with you. I never once regretted my visits – never once regretted you. We just got back together, give us a chance to build the present; what do you say?” His tone is gentle and not accusing and it settles the ugly mangled thing he calls a heart inside of him.
He wants to believe Edward. On most days, he believes him. Today has just been exceptionally hard.
“Yeah, I suppose we could…” He murmurs after a while. Once the thought has taken root in his mind. Once Edward’s comforting words have cleared up a little more of the permanent clouds that hide the sun in his head.
“You mean it, though? Everything?” He asks, just to be sure, for there’s still a sliver of fear wedged inside of him that doesn’t want to get dislodged.
“Absolutely,” Edward answers him without a shred of doubt in his voice, sure as breathing.
They fall quiet for a while, and Étienne focuses his energy on Edward’s rhythmic breathing once more. The easy way his chest slowly rises and falls with each breath. It’s comforting and grounding. He wishes he could kick his mind back into place. Get it to move on from this current fog it seems to inhabit. Climb back up on the other side and live on the high for a bit.
“If anything,” Edward starts, breaking him from going into another deep dive of thoughts, “My relationship with you is similar to the one I have with Calvin.”
Étienne looks at him, clearly confused, wondering if Edward didn’t hit his head on the way here, but Edward smiles softly before going on, “In case you forgot, we also share a lot of inside jokes. Sometimes, we also go off on tangents and Calvin is left there clueless. I think you notice it less; maybe because when I visit you, I come alone. We get stuck in our own bubble, whereas when you visit me, Calvin’s been here more often – you’re less familiar with this place. But we also have a long friendship history, or did you forget all those letters we wrote each other? Or the times you travelled west for work?’
He didn’t forget. He still has all the letters Edward wrote to him. (Still reads and read them on occasion.) The photos and the zines and every correspondence he’s had with him. He has them all. Safely tucked away in albums on shelves and shelves. Mementos and reminders that Edward cares about him. He’s even been known to re-read text conversation and he’s screen-capped every l love you and every other sweet message. Hoards them like a dragon over a precious treasure.
He – knows all of that. Obviously. Yet, it is one thing knowing and another hearing it from Edward. A reminder. A refresher course of sorts. Edward means a lot to him. Edward will probably mean a lot to him in years to come, but did he ever mean as much to Edward? And again, he knows the answers to all of his redundant questions when his mind isn’t playing games with him.
“I still think it’s funny how you both share the same fears; every time you come over, Calvin worries that he’s getting in the way and ruining the moment. He knows we have less time together and so he doesn’t want us to miss out.” Edward tells him, his hazel eyes lit with an amused sort of gaze to them.
It’s not that he finds it hard to believe, but he’s rarely seen Calvin worried about these types of things. He’s always there with a joke or some naïve quip, but now he wonders if this isn’t just another layer to the man. If anything, Étienne’s gotten to know him a little better over the past few years, but there is still much that remains hidden away, much like he has his own secrets that he hasn’t shared with Calvin yet either. Perhaps, with time…
“I wished we also lived closer to one another, but even though you’re far and even though I can’t see you as much as I’d like to, I still want a relationship with you and this second chance we somehow managed to carve out.” Edward reaches for his hand and twines their fingers together. Étienne studies him from the corner of his eyes and spies a gentle smile on his face. Once more, nothing about it seems forced or fake and maybe, this time, his broken mind will finally understand and put this issue to rest for good.
“Just like Calvin is important to me, you’re also important. No one is more or less important. You both just are.” Edward turns again so that they’re facing each other and Étienne finds himself trapped, with no other way of escaping. He doesn’t mind now and that has got to count for something. “Did you really think that I’m joking when I tell you that I miss you? Or that I love you? You of all people should know that I don’t say it lightly.” It’s not a reprimand, but a gentle scolding and Étienne’s cheeks colour ever so. If anything, that should have been his clue to fully grasp that Edward is as serious as this as he is.
“No… but I still don’t understand why you need both of us…”
Edward sighs and settles himself around Étienne, one leg over his and an arm draped over his side. Étienne stills for a moment, before he relaxes under Edward’s touch. “Because he’s not you. Just like you’re not him. Call me a greedy bastard but I want the both of you in my life. I want my proverbial cake and eat it too. I know this is – unconventional and that it might be hard to understand. Frankly, I’m done trying to analyse this. It’s just the way I am and that’s fine. But, I’d like to believe that we can all make it work, because I really want it to work.”
He wants to make it work too. He wants it to work out for Edward’s sake, because Edward deserves the world. Because he loves this man and if this is what he wants, then he’ll do whatever he can to make it work. He’ll do whatever he can, even if it won’t always be perfect, but at least he’ll be able to say that he’s trying.
“So please, just believe me when I tell you that you’re important to me and that I want you in my life. Don’t shut yourself out, okay? I want to make the most of the time we have together, even if it’s never enough…” Edward’s voice grows small towards the end, as if he too has fears and doubts and insecurities. Étienne wants to chase them away and so he holds him close and hopes that his actions can speak louder than his words.
“Okay,” He says pressing a soft kiss to Edward’s forehead, “But you have to promise me that you’ll let me know if ever you want me gone.”
Edward chuckles, reaches for his cheek, and caresses it with his thumb, “Fine, but for the record, that may never actually happen.”
Étienne doubts it, but for once, he chases the thought away and chooses to live in this current moment. For now, Edward wants him here. For now, it’s good enough. Tomorrow will bring its share of challenges, but right now, his boyfriend wants to spend his time with him and that matters a whole lot more than the negative thoughts that reside in his head. For now, the sun is peeking through the clouds.
Fin