#pseudofeelings

[about-nvc]

Be careful of words that are more descriptions of other people, what you think they’re doing to you. [...] Do not mistake these words as feelings: I feel misunderstood, I feel used, I feel manipulated, I feel judged, I feel criticized, I feel ignored. For example, aren't there times when you think somebody is ignoring you... Don’t you feel relieved? And at other times don't you feel angry? You see, so, words like that say very little about what's alive in you, they say much more about how you're interpreting the other person's behavior.

- Marshall Rosenberg, The Basics of NVC. Workshop in San Francisco 2000

NVC series: Overview

[about-nvc]

If we want to use Nonviolent Communication, we want to be sure that we do not use the feeling in a violent way. Because feelings can either connect us at the heart or they can contribute to more division and violence. So, we certainly do not want to ever express our feelings in this way: “I feel as I do because you.” Okay? We never want to express our feelings this way: “You make me feel.”

Now, that would be a hard habit to get away from because in a jackal culture, feelings are very instrumental to using guilt as a way of manipulating people, you see. The way to manipulate people is, if you can convince them that they make you feel as you do then they should feel guilty and change, you see. So it’s another form of this violent game. So for example if you're a parent and you want to use feelings in a violent way, rather than in a connecting way, you would express it this way: “It really hurts me when you don't clean up your room...” Okay? Or: “You make me angry when you say that!”

- Marshall Rosenberg, The Basics of NVC. Workshop in San Francisco 2000

Information: Giraffe and jackal NVC series: Overview