Hollywood Hospital was a place they sent me at around 2 years old. I stayed until I was about 6.5 years old.
Mr Hubbard was nice enough. But I found him and his therapy weird. On meeting him after being told his name I recited Mother Hubbard:
"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To give the poor dog a bone: When she came there, the cupboard was bare, And so the poor dog had none."
I being autistic kept repeating it. Eventually stopped by other things going on. But once home if his name was mentioned because my mom said what she was told when picking me up, or before going to see him again, I start up. She started to get angry. Particularly as my dad, his sister, and his parents all found it funny.
My mom would snap "your trying to drive me crazy aren't you?!" One day she smacked me and said I'm not a man and Mr Hubbard's not a mother. She was incredibly angry and left me quickly at his office saying to him she had stuff to do any someone would pick me up later.
Mr Hubbard spoke to me calmly and repeated what my mom aditted saying to me. Alone with him I laughed, smiled, and waved my hands infront of my eyes. He said "you know its true Im not a woman." I laughed again. He said "I see you understand that, and I guess knowing that rhyme makes it funny. I suppose there could be a Mr Hubbard as there was a Mrs." I smiled and stopped repeating it as he sort of understood.
I had been repeating it expecting more to the rhyme after meeting a Mr and knowing Mrs usually had misters. I even once asked my grandpa why they rhyme only mentions Mrs. He said he didn't know. But all grown-ups know stuff and are fond of correcting children. I was waiting for the story to finish. Mr Hubbard made me understand that adults didn't know why the rhyme was unfinished. He said thats all there was.
I wondered how he could understand me. Especially as he was new to me but my mother instead just got angry. He told me grown ups aren't always patient or tolerant of children and their questions. Which truly puzzled me. When he said it I struggled to get other words out as he was new. But blurted out grandma, grandpa, daddy, uncle Geoff, and Aunt Vera. He wasn't sure what I meant but after meeting one of them realized they were all ok with me. I said to him "mommy hate me love Rose. " My relative explained Rose wasn't a flower it was my sister. I laughed and he said "my mistake just like you and mother Hubbard."
Mr Hubbard heard my mothers complaints. She was told she was lucky as I talked and after watching me (and playing games) he felt I was smart. That made me like him. All my mother said was insulting stuff and that I was stupid. She seemed to either like my hair colour or mock it. I couldn't tell if she was being nasty. I understood sarcasim somehow wasn't nice. My mom strangely was unhappy Mr Hubbard called me smart. Her response was "so she is willfully being difficult! I think she's evil."
She did not like Mr Hubbard saying I wasn't evil, I was smart, but I didn't understand somethings. She told him to make up his mind and threatened to take me away. He told her he didn't feel that was the answer. Then asked if I'd finally stopped repeating Old Mother Hubbard. She said yes. He asked for more time and said he wanted to try psychodellics and some methods that he felt might help my brain sort things out.
At the same time my mom approached our doctor. Complaining away. She was just too angry.
My dad caught her trying to drownd me once. Another time after I was diagnosed with Reynauds when my dad was away for work and his parents and sister weren't around. She locked me outside in the cold hoping I'd die. First time it happened my aunt dropped by, found me, and took me in the house wondering how I was outside like that and my mom hadn't noticed. All I could get out was "mommy bad." Second time my aunt had taught me to go to the neighbours. They took me in and warmed me up. They were freaked out and called my aunt as a warm bath caused me to go red and swell, instead of warm me. They learned gradual warming was safer.
So my mom made me sound so awful and life draining to our doctor. I was sent to Woodlands Hospital for solitary and shock therapy.
Then people took me home. Mom answered the door drunk. Which explained the bruises they found on my body.
My dad came home early from a work site. Found my moms car damaged from her drunk driving. It was late. He asked where I was and apparently she just said gone. My dad was freaked out. He went with his sister to fetch me from Woodlands. On getting home my mom yelled what did my father expect. Also that Mr Hubbard and I were conspiring against him.
Later my mom went away to sober up and see a psychatrist. I stayed with my aunts for awhile. Bith if them kind to me. My dad would visit but he said mom had to get well before I went home. So my brother and sister both stayed at relatives too and friends.
My sister who was school age as she was 5 years older, mimicked my mom on disliking me and doing things. While visiting a friend she mentioned the situation. Apparently thats part of the reason my mom sent me away and went crazy.
Her friend called her and mentioned an event she was going to. My mom said she didn't know about it and asked why she wasn't invited. Only to hear that my siblings congenital hip and my other siblings congenital ankle was okish but a third child with autism wasn't. Even though children wouldn't be at the event. It was the only time I ever saw my mom punish my sister. My sister yelled "well even you call her a retard." Then my mom had to actually say to her "the therapist says she's not!" The look on her face as she startled herself saying it. She slumped in a chair and told my dad she'd go to treatment.
Being at my aunts and uncles was great. Even staying with my grandma when my brother was there. Apparently my sister got jealous I was staying with my aunt. So went to see the one in the US awhile, then the one I'd been at. My sister had tried to hurt my brother again. My brother knew what it was like. He had congenital ankle and she didn't like the attention he got for it, also he was a year younger than her, and only boy my parents had. My brother could be patient and kind with me. I learned from his friends talking, that they thought my sister was crazy. They joked women of my family were crazy. Then I held one boys hand and said "I not mom or Rose. Grandma and Aunt ok." They said then "ok your weird but not crazy in the same way."
At Woodlands one man touched me wrong. Another guy caught him and attacked him. He told him I was too young. Then added my uncle sometimes worked their and he was lucky Geoff hadn't caught him. I was never touched that way again. But unfortunately it made me curious. Which later got me in trouble. Though what happened was with a child my own age. Males in my family were careful to not let me see how noys were different from girls.
At Woodlands I underwent shock therapy, weighting of feet, binding of hands, solitary confinement, straight jacket, gaging, and whipping. To try to break me of doing tie walking, thumb sucking, nail biting, hand waving, headbanging, and echolialia. When my dad and uncle got me out (my uncle did see me once). I was restrained to a bed on iv food was punishment and behaviour modification. I'd been told I could eat food if I wasn't a picky eater and spoke normal. My uncle had been a psych nurse at Riverview Hospital.
My uncle and my aunt offered to do private therapy with me that wasn't a hospital, citing my uncles training and my aunts. I'm not sure my aunts work history or training. But she was on the School Board and had taken in foster children for years. One of their children had polio and died at 19 from an anyeurism. My aunt also was on the Privey Council. No idea how she got involved though she might of been a secretary for it.
Their two surviving children were much older than me. My aunt was born in 1917 and was my dads big sister. My older cousins, one had a farm and was a hippy and the others husband worked for the navy. They both liked kids. One had children my age and the other one I never really knew their girlfriends children.
With my aunt I did better. They didn't hate Hubbard. Who let my mom give me LSD at home. Mr Hubbard let 2 other families do that with their children. One hot caught using it outside the office. Everyone was told to stop using it on their kids. I was discharged from his program. Then some investigation started. He left and went to the USA. Publicly it wasn't mentioned in any news. The guy that talked to my parents pointed out Mr Hubbard wasn't a doctor and the government didn't want scandal so to not talk about it.
I was glad to never go to Woodlands again. My mom was very clear not to talk on it or I'd not like the results and my father wouldn't be able to stop her. She said if she went to court the doctory would speak for her with great sympathy over what it was like to live with a child like me and what it had done to her socially.
So years past and decades until now. Only exception was a girl I met through the Lions Club. She had Downs Syndrome. I never talked to her about being there. She told me what happened to her and showed me scars. She was sterilized and said her only baby she would ever have was her dolly. She showed me the scar on her head saying they said the operation made her calmer. She went to the institutional school. I'd never been there. Though wondered if disabled children could actually make friends there. The girl with Downs Syndrome said she was allowed to visit her family on weekends sometimes. She knew the rest of her life would be in the institution.
By 1973 I was out of Hubbards program, away from Woodlands, and my aunt and uncle were seeing me less. I was upset because uncle Geoff was diagnosed with cancer and dying. He was very cool to be around. Fluent in several languages and friendly, he got along with many. Family dinners that were at a restaurant and he was around he found little ways with staff to make it special for me and others. Just before his diagnosis my dads younger sister died of the same cancer.
I was doing ok in public school though I had my moments. I didn't tolerate misogyny or racism. So I got into fights. I also didn't want to be seen as weak so took some dares I shouldn't have. My sister still tried to shame me. She was way better with me as an adult than when we were children. But we aren't close. Even with our parents, brother, and my daughter all dying of cancers. Even with my sister surviving cancer.
But at 7.5 yrs old while in a baseball team. My coach invited me over one day. Some other kids warned against it. But wouldn't say why. They were being weird so I went. While their his friend tried to photograph him ordering me to do something sexual. He used that I was different to threaten me and said if I told nobody would believe me as I was a freak. I bit him by accident gagging. He very angry beat me up badly. Then he paused. I bit his hand. Felt my jaw crunch weird. He was starled. Someone opened the house door and I ran. Hiding behind hedges on the way home afraid he'd find me or his friend.
I got home to find my father in the driveway. I think he was checking the oil and also wiper fluid in the car. He could see something was wrong. I told him the coach hurt me. He grabbed my baseball bat from the doorway, shut the car engine lid, and told me to get in the car and tell him where he lived.
My dad went in the house when we got there. Then ran out chased by both men. He got in the car and took me to hospital. On the way I lost my eyesight, and eventually lost conciousness. Barely realizing when we got to hospital. My haw was wired, bones set. Then I was put in a bodycast. Then they realized brain swelling so had to deal with that. Later surgeries that left diagonal scars by outside of each eye by the lid, under the brow. But i could see again. I had to wear glasses. I tried to fake them out that my eyes were too good for glasses at one point. I hated being teased. Eventually I gave in and just wore them because I did need them. But due to teasing avoided them at school except for reading the board.
Because of the beating I was almost a year in a wheelchair from tbi, sci, scoliosis, and stroke. I was stuck with a lisp for awhile, global aphasia, synthesia as well. Then during recovery developed early puberty from brain injury. Combine that with my first noyfriend saying he eard teens talking and sex could help pain. They had somehow got access to adult magazines, etc. So they said it might help. We both thought only teenagers and grownups had babies. But when I was 10 I had my first child. Which caused a second stroke and him being taken caused extreme anguish. I ended up with stroke induced memoryloss then trauma induced.
I thought he was going to adoption by what my parents did during my pregnancy. Only years later finding what I thought was my older cousins child approaching me. He was 4 and asked if I was his mommy. I said my cousin was his mommy. He said no she wasn't and my parents were his grandparents. He approached me again when he was 10 after I'd been married and was visiting my parents. Again he claimed I was his mother. I said maybe my sister was. He said no. He was upset but after that gave up on me. Realizing I still had amnesia and might never remember.
By the time I remembered him. My daughter had died of cancer, my younger son moved out and cut all contact. My youngest cut contact as his father convinced him I was a cheap(poor), disabled person that only cared about herself and his own disabilities were a lie. Despite him having hypotonia, language disorders, 69 iq, severe ADHD with autistic features, and birth defects. He was tested at Sunny Hill Hospital for Fragile X, Marfans, and Angleman but negative for all 3.
Memories came back on my oldest son seeing what is possibly him in a phonebook. But far from where he used to live. He has the first name I gave him and his last name is possibly same as me.
Away from an abusive ex husband, etc the memories finally started to come back. Memories of Hollywood Hospial and Woodlands Hospital were there, in the dark, too afraid to think about.
