First group session for my PTSD Program.
Dissociation is frustrating. But I gave in because it’s better than having everyone fight with me. It hurts my head. This felt like training. Training in the military is frustrating because they teach you things you can’t even use in the workplace because the people around you are traumatizing. So I was triggered and omg was it loud. So many feelings. So much hate, Anger, fear. At first we were all worried about little. She’s pretty impressionable. We try to filter our pessimism and examples of negative thinking from her because she is a kid and kids do what they’re shown. If she’s shown something she like acts it out. So that was scary. Feeling her awake asking what’s ruminating thougths and what’s negative thinking. If she were a normal child, who’s mind would develop I’d be open to teaching her but idek if that’s possible with alters. Can they grow from trauma? Idek and it makes me sad because I feel sorry for her and I wish I could protect here. I wish I could’ve protected her but I didn’t exist the. She did.
Focusing is hard. Started getting headaches from being pulled in multiple different directions. When the doctors asked questions and wanted responses it was hard to give because idk which response is mine. But they’re all mine and idk how to give them all. So which one am I supposed to use. 😭 makes me feel like a fraud not being able to say what we all feel. I don’t want to hide. I don’t have to hide anymore. I feel nauseous. The whole time. I just stared at the trees outside the window for most of it and listened. I studdered a lot whenever I had to answer cause these hoessss couldnt choose who would speakkkkk. Like I’ll start and then someone stars saying something else and my mouth follows and then I stop and get confused. And I feel like freaking Um the guy from Harry Potter that had Voldemort attached to his head. Sometimes atleast. Yuck I wanna vomit.
Overall not as bad as expected. Still upset I don’t have a therapist to decompress with after these things. But it’s better than having no outlet.
