I think I have finally reached the point of NervousWreck™ and honestly I'm not super thrilled
Like I should probably call my old friend tonight cause I dipped suddenly cause he was complacent in his partner emotionally/mentally violating me and destroying my psyche so I'm (hopefully understandably) mad at him for that, but I can't really tell him that cause I really care about him but I would give a lot for this whole thing to just be over
And Tbf, I have. I have given a lot. A month ago, I talked to 4 people voluntarily and I've left 2 of them to be able to have this be done, one of which I really fucking love. But perhaps I haven't given enough, everything and everyone always wants something from me but I am so beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel that I've already broken down the barrel and given half of the wood away and I really don't have anything more left in me. I'm a hollow shell compared to how his partner found me and I spend my days waiting for the next coffee, waiting til I can get unbearably high so I can't feel the suffocating memories and loneliness. I'm fucking exhausted. I just want my ex, I just want him to let me cuddle with him while we watch YouTube, feel how close he is, feel safe and cared for
I don't blame him though, that's a whole lot to ask of someone you haven't been with for that long and I don't blame him for leaving me. As his friend, I'm happy that he was able to get out of a shitty relationship and as his gf, I love him enough to recognize that I was hurting him because my pain was spilling out of me and soaking him. I just miss him. I want this nightmare to be over. I would like to close my eyes or sit in silence and experience the bliss of Nothing. See darkness behind my eyelids instead of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. Hear the air in my lungs instead of this loud-ass tinnitus that developed because I was trying so desperately to stop hearing her voice, the narration of past memories every single time I'm alone. But I hear that anyways. At least the loud music usually allows me to disconnect. But I've been disconnected for so long, I don't even know what keeps me here anymore half the time, like a helium balloon tied to a post.
I desperately need this to be over
