Jun 3, 2022
A thinly veiled metaphor for my morning writing practice.
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A thinly veiled metaphor for my morning writing practice.
I want the magic of the flow, to feel like nothing is inert, never have the trigger to check or wait for the same empty place to give birth to something. I don't know how it's done.
The warmth of brainstormy silence that comes with loneliness... against the exposure of my shakiest thoughts... how do I weigh my possibilities...
It's all too hard to choose.
Thank you for existing... though I've only accessed you that way in my brain. Thank you for existing... you were and still are a remedy for my pain. Thank you for existing... your feelings expressed mirrored mine. Thank you for existing... your effect on me was always sublime. Thank you for existing... I hope we can meet one day. Thank you for existing... you make me want to challenge fate. Thank you for existing... your energy is strong. Thank you for existing... only by seeing you, I do no longer feel alone.
This post is honestly just for the purpose of getting my thoughts out, ignore if not interested. It's about OCD and misophonia but mostly OCD
So I've been researching OCD, bc I think I might legitimately have it, and WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THERE ARE TYPES?!?!
I have been doubting myself bc I'm not checking type, which is the most talked about type in those "mild annoyance at weird or bad organization isn't OCD, here's what is" videos/posts
I think I have a few types, here's the type name and why :
Contamination- I need to clean anything or bodypart that touches the ground/shoes/socks that aren't freshly washed/feet, refuse to touch all but like 2 people due to paranoia that they have floor dirt on them, and have to rationalize why public spaces are infact not disgusting (ie "I'm sure they clean it')
Intrusive thoughts OCD (subtype fear of harm)- I cannot look at my wrist bc I can see my veins and immediately get intrusive thoughts of my veins bursting or me accidentally cutting them on the edge of a table or smth. I get random intrusive thoughts when repositioning that I'll dislocate my knees/elbows/spine. I get intrusive thoughts of throwing literally anything somewhat worth keeping out the window in a car is it's been opened recently or we're going very fast
An intertwining with misophonia- not a classical type but it feels compulsive, I feel like I have to hit my head, stab something (paper now but when more depressed, and guilty about my misophonia, myself), or control the noise. Mostly treated by pen clicking (something I was conditioned into making me feel like I have control, long story) due to the main trigger being mouth clicking, lip smacking, and tch-ing
How Does This Chat Work
Me: Tell me something that is going to get me out of these thoughts. You: Coffee exists. Me: I just drank one with lots of sugar. You: Write your fic. Me: I do this when I wake and sleep. You: Does it distract you? Me: I often have intrusive and unwanted thoughts, words and events trigger so many flashbacks. You: Your sensations have changed. Me: It's the flu. You: Art? Me: Guess I'm getting there. You: Just stay away from violence and whatever that triggers you, however small.
I want this fear to disappear... banish all risks.
I've dreamt of a paradise for long.
No pain.
Freedom from chains
No fear of the uncertain - because nothing bad would exist
Compensation for every suffering, every loss of bliss