A/N: So trigger warning for heavy themes of torture and isolation. Just a warning, in case that kind of thing bothers you. Things will be much better after this part though, promise :)
Word Count: 4800+
MASTERLIST
Jai spent the day staying busy. They lost themself in everything they did. Time passed mercifully quickly until they were headed home and suddenly their chest seized. They stopped on their way, eyes wide and hand over their heart. They took a few seconds to blink, clearing their mind and taking some deep breaths. Someone nearby gave them an odd look so they continued walking, a bit awkward. The passerby nodded then looked away.
They’d been having these sorts of episodes all week. It had been getting worse and worse and despite themself, they felt like it was all building up to something. Like something really bad was about to happen any second.
Of course, it was the opposite. Cal would come over and then things would change as they’d been waiting for it for a while now. Jai had always been very good at reading Cal. They originally approached him because he was lonely and obviously weighed down by something. Their company had led to a quickly irritated Cal, but the more times they showed up, the more Cal warmed up to them until the day came that he started flirting back.
Jai knew that Cal had given in because he was lonely, so they made it clear very early on that dating was off the table because they weren’t going to settle for someone who only wanted them because he was lonely. Because he didn’t have anyone else.
But then Cal began to search them out. Instead of them just ending up at the same bar or passing by and setting up a time and place to meet very quickly, Cal began to visit or search them out or leave little messages where he knew they would find it. Jai knew then that they were more to Cal than a filler. They were more to him than warmth and a body and a face and a voice. It was then that Jai thought things would quickly take a turn in the direction they were headed now. They didn’t account for Cal being so very mentally stuck on the friends with benefits thing. They could sense it for the longest time. Hesitation. Fear.
When he stopped showing up, they’d been sure he was done with them. He’d moved on and lost interest. He’d found someone else, or Jai just wasn’t satisfying enough to keep his attention anymore. This last week had been getting to them and their insecurities were stronger than ever. That’s why they’d finally made a shot at a date last night. One last effort to see if Cal really was into them, or if he wanted less. Or if he just wanted things to be the same. He responded well. Even better than Jai had anticipated, given this morning's events.
Now the day was over and that meant it was time to come home, make a nice dinner, and wait for Cal to join them. Then things would really change and it would all be better because Jai would never have to worry about Cal’s role in their life ever again. They’d be together. Things were finally turning around.
They set the table, cooking their best meal yet. They wanted it to be nice, and Cal loved nothing more than Jai’s homemade food, hot and ready, after he’d had a long day in the cold rain. They hovered, wringing their wrists and trying not to pace as they waited for Cal. They waited. And waited. And waited.
Cal was usually off by now, even on his late nights. The food was cold and untouched- Jai hadn’t been hungry. It was getting very late and even if they knew that Cal had meant what he’d said this morning, they also knew that Cal tended to get distracted a lot. Maybe they weren’t enough to keep him aware of them all day long. Maybe he didn’t really feel for them what they felt for him. Maybe in their excitement, Jai had misread Cal.They’d been known to do it a few times here and there.
There was a knock on the door.
Jai had already cleared all the food into containers so it wouldn’t have gone bad and put them in the cooling box, so it wouldn’t be warm, but it would still be good. A chill night at the table eating out of containers wasn’t what Jai had planned for the night they’d so wanted to be romantic, but it was more Jai and Cal’s speed. They were fine with it.
Eager for whatever was about to come next, Jai opened the door, a grin on their face… that soon melted away when they noticed that the person on the other side was NOT Cal Kestis. “Expecting someone else?”
Jai stepped further into the house, away from the stranger in front of them. They might have been stuck on this planet but they weren’t dumb. They knew an Inquisitor when they saw one. “Yes, sorry.” They swallowed. “May I help you?”
“So I hear,” The Inquisitor responded. Her voice was low and even. As if this was commonplace. As if she was a regular visitor at Jai’s place of living. “I’m here about someone you know. Does the name Cal Kestis sound familiar?”
Jai swallowed. This was bad. Very bad. Why was an Imperial Inquisitor at Jai’s house of all places, looking for Cal of all people? The question wasn’t innocent, but it was easy to answer. “I do. We’re friends.” They weren’t sure why the Inquisitor was looking for Cal. Didn’t Inquisitors hunt Jedi?
Even with the metal mask on, Jai could feel the smirk on the Inquisitor’s face. She wasn’t especially tall or strong. She seemed to be just taller than Jai, and was slender. The lightsaber at her belt would make up for any lack of strength though- not that someone like her wouldn’t have the muscle power to back up such a title and weapon.
“You make dangerous friends.”
Jai swallowed. “How is Cal dangerous?”
The air changed and Jai felt like they’d walked into a trap. That was exactly what the Inquisitor wanted Jay to ask. Jai didn’t know how they knew it, but it was as simple a knowledge to them as their own name. “He’s a traitor.” She paused, letting the words settle in. Jai was thankful for the time. Putting ‘traitor’ next to ‘Cal’ felt like… like seeing an Inquisitor in their doorway. Jai finally responded, opening their mouth to argue - not logical or sane in any sense, but apparently their reaction nonetheless - but the Inquisitor held up a hand and they felt their throat close. Their fist loosened as soon as it had risen and Jai was left to gasp air in, leaving space for the Inquisitor to speak again. “He’s now on the run with his own dangerous friends. A Jedi.” Another pause, and Jai felt more confused than ever. There were still Jedi around?
When had Cal had time to make friends with one? “I heard you were the only one alive on this planet that knows him well enough to have any idea where he might be headed.”
It was hard to wrap your mind around the idea that you could die any second, especially when just moments ago Jai had their mind set on a romantic dinner with their soon-to-be boyfriend. Who was apparently now on the run, somewhere, with Jedi. Jedi. Like in the stories. And an Inquisitor of all people was now here, asking a question. The threat was unspoken but hung in the air, so real it was almost a taste on Jai’s tongue. If Jai didn’t fulfill what the Inquisitor wanted, she would kill them,
Jai didn’t know where Cal was. Cal never talked about his past or future. It seemed that Cal had been born and raised on Bracca, and intended to die here as well. He never spoke of anywhere else. They had no idea where he would even think to go. What other planets might have some meaning to him. What would draw him to any one place.
Except… he wouldn’t leave without Jai. They knew that as easily as they knew plenty of information they probably shouldn’t. If he was really gone, he was planning on coming back. That’s when Jai realized: the Inquisitor probably had realized that too, unless she didn’t know even a fraction as much about Jai and Cal’s relationship as she was letting on. They decided to test the waters. This was about keeping themself and Cal both alive… if nothing else, maybe they could distract the Inquisitor long enough to get her to look for him in the wrong place. Or- or something-
“I don’t seem to know him as well as I thought.” Jai took even breaths through their nose. “I’ve only known Cal on Bracca. I have no idea where else he’d go. He has no other ties. No other family. Not- not that I know of.”
The Inquisitor was quiet for a long time. Too long. “No one except you?” The silence was shattered by the sound of a lightsaber activating, the dimly lit room and dark world outside glowing vibrantly red. Jai went to scream. To stall. Something. But the Inquisitor held out her hand and pulled Jai’s throat into her waiting fingers. They were frozen in pure terror, waiting for the glowing blade to go through them. It didn’t come. “You’ll be useful then.”
With those words, Jai’s entire life was ripped from them. The Inquisitor used what could only be the Force to keep Jai in the air, bound and silent. She floated Jai just diagonal from her as she walked through the far too quiet streets, her lightsaber still active in her hand, casting a menacing red glow over everything. No one would even think of messing with the Inquisitor. Jai was done for.
They approached a ship, a much bigger but similarly dressed Inquisitor coming to meet them halfway. “What’s with the carry on?” Jai would have been trembling if they weren’t frozen in place.
“This one will help us get to the others. The one from earlier has an attachment.” They all began to move back to the ship, the two women keeping conversation smoothly, their tones almost light, like they were talking about a date that was coming up with a cute guy. They were eager to find Cal and his apparent Jedi friend.
A soldier of some kind approached. Jai couldn’t quite see from the angle they were being held in. “We’ll need room for this on the ship,” the bigger Inquisitor told the soldier.
“Yes Ninth Sister.” The clacking of metal on stone could be heard as he retreated, moving much more quickly toward the ship than the two… sisters…
Jai had no idea what the Empire had in store for them, but they did know that it was going to be nothing good and they felt absolutely terrified.
“Fear.” The Inquisitor who still had Jai suspended seemed to purr as she said the words. “You’re full of it. Good. You do have some sense then. Maybe we can get something out of you after all.”
And Jai knew, with that, their fate was sealed. They didn’t know how they knew - a phenomenon that had been occuring far too much recently - but this had been what the tightness in their chest had been about. The anxiety and concern and hesitation they’d never felt before in their life. THIS had been what their subconscious was screaming at them about. Warning them about. And yet, it was so terrifyingly clear that if they thought this was bad, things were only about to get so much worse. This was the beginning of the end and as Jai free fell into the darkness, unable to stop or even slow, they knew that all that awaited them at the bottom was death.
Or perhaps something much, much worse.
Pain. Agony. White hot and ceaseless. Jai had never known anything even close to this. It didn’t even pause, no matter what. Not when they screamed or cried. Not when they ran out of voice or tears. Not when they begged and pleaded or passed out. That was the best of it. When they were passed. They always woke up even more exhausted and covered in dull aches everywhere, and then those aches would turn to fire in their veins and every nerve ending in their body trying to rip itself apart in favor of that horrible pain ending.
It rarely did. Even when it did stop, the pauses were always brief. They would see the Second Sister step forward and she’d ask a single question. “Tell us everything you know about Cal Kestis.” Then Jai would or wouldn’t answer, and when they stopped fulfilling what the Second Sister wanted, the pain started again.
At first Jai had resisted. They didn’t have any sensitive information anyway, so it was a lot easier. Then they began to slip, and things about Cal came from them without their permission. Stupid things. The face he made when he was asleep. How he ran his hand through his hair when he was thinking or deciding or just bored, as if the motion helped boost his brain and helped him continue forward a little.
The Second Sister seemed to be getting frustrated about it. Jai talked non stop about Cal, but it was just a bunch of things that didn’t help her in the slightest. When she got really mad, the torture would get worse and Jai would black out a lot faster. The Ninth Sister found herself here a lot, enjoying Jai and the Second Sister’s struggle both. Things were getting increasingly worse.
“If you continue like this you’ll kill the little bug.” The Ninth Sister seemed excited about it, and that made the Second Sister even more frustrated.
“I know.” She looked at Jai, once again unconscious. Everyone reached the point when the pain stopped mattering. It still hurt, but it stopped affecting you. It was constant. Endless. What was the point in screaming anymore? Just give them what they want and then rest- that’s all that mattered.
Jai wasn’t reaching that point. They just hurt and hurt and hurt and it wasn’t getting anyone anywhere. The Second Sister knew that there was more to this one than there seemed to be, though. She’d felt it in that first meeting. In the way their voice wrapped around Cal’s name and their body tensed. Protective. But also, there was just something different about them in general. The Second Sister could FEEL it in the look in their eyes. This had lasted so much longer than most people did. It only took this much effort for Jedi’s. Jai either knew something or was hiding something they didn’t even know about.
Or maybe there was nothing there and the Second Sister was just desperate. There was something about this Cal too. He was powerful and full of potential. The way he’d reacted when she’d killed Prauf… he could be a great Inquisitor.
It was a time for a change in tactic.
“Untie them.” She turned away from Jai as a trooper unlocked Jai from the torture chair. “Come with me.” She began walking away and the trooper looked to the other one in the room. The two doubled up, each of Jai’s arms across their shoulders as they both dragged Jai between them, heading out after the Second Sister. She led the troopers - and therefore Jai - to a very isolated holding cell. She motioned to it and the two troopers lay Jai inside before moving back outside of the cell and out of the way.
The Second Sister reached out a hand and Jai sat up, gasping and screaming, thrashing. The Second Sister lowered her hand and Jai looked around wildly, eyes wide and full of confusion. “Wh-where am I?” The Second Sister was surprised by them again. They didn’t look relieved to be out of the chair, or that there wasn’t pain to wake up to. They were still on guard. They were maybe stronger than they’d originally been given credit for.
“You’re in a cell.” The Second Sister stopped herself from rolling her eyes at herself. Obviously. “And you’re gonna stay here until we find further use for you. And if we don’t, then we won’t continue to waste space or resources on you.” She turned away and began to leave.
“You’re going to leave me here? By myself?”
The Second Sister smiled under her mask. No matter how strong Jai was, they were still honest and that would always make them weak. They had no thought to even pretend they weren’t scared. They were giving the Second Sister everything she needed to drive them to breaking. “Unless you have some other use, there’s no point in wasting my time on you. I’ve already done it too long.”
Jai sighed. “Okay.”
The Second Sister turned to face them when she was outside the cell, the red barrier activating and separating them. Jai was on the floor, laying still with their eyes closed. The Second Sister bristled. They were getting comfortable. “Think of something fast, or you really will die in that chair.”
Jai frowned. So they were bothered, at least. Perhaps they weren’t totally insane. “At least I’ll get a nap before then.” The Second Sister’s hands curled into fists. “I’ve told you all I know, Second Sister. If I’m going to die anyway, I might as well get a damn nap first.”
Despite herself, the Second Sister understood what Jai was feeling. A nap really did sound good.
She left Jai there, the troopers following after her. She’d break Jai. She’d find out what Jai was holding back and nothing was going to stop
-
Jai was alone for days. They’d gotten used to the fact that they happened to know things that they shouldn’t. Like how the Second Sister was desperate, or that the Ninth Sister was loving watching Jai and the Second Sister unravel. They knew the Ninth Sister smiled when they passed out. They knew it plain as day.
Perhaps they were just insane. Losing track of the days in a cell that branched off of a dim hallway that had no natural light that didn’t allow sun in. Not that that would have mattered, since it was always dark outside the ship. Jai kept forgetting that. That they were on a spaceship in space, just floating. Or, did they land on a planet? Were they STILL on that small ship they’d first been put on what seemed eons ago? That didn’t make sense. They had to have a main base on some kind of planet, right?
What were they talking about again?
Oh, right, the days.
They didn’t know the time they were in here because of some internal clock that had been so learned from their time on Bracca. Simply, they knew when daytime for everyone else that was also in this place they were at. This ship or planet or whatever it was. They knew when people were awake or when they should be asleep. They just knew it and it was as simple as that. It had been days that they’d been alone.
Maybe it was getting to them.
On the second day, something happened that hadn’t happened since the night they’d been laying with Cal. One of their imaginary friends appeared. He was tall and had an odd lump on his shoulder. He glowed an odd color…
Jai’s eyes widened. It was their imaginary friend from when they were a child.
Everyone had some defining characteristic. Some people were a rare color. Some people were rare shapes. Common colors were blue, green, and red. Common shapes were rectangles or squares, depending on how tall or thin they were or weren’t. This one was a rectangle, tall and slim- even more so than the Second Sister. His uniqueness was in the color. His shape seemed to be made of mist rather than color. Mist that swirled with all sorts of colors. Jai had never seen a multicolored imaginary friend before. They knew it was him the second they saw it again. He was taller. Much taller. And a little broader too, like maybe he was older.
Jai was older too. Maybe their imaginary friend had aged as well.
That lump on the shoulder though… that was very very new. It hovered just above, not necessarily part of the rectangle, even though it appeared along with it.
“Where do you think we should go, BD?”
The voice sounded sort of familiar…
Jai was distracted when the cell around them morphed into more of those blurry shapes. They must have fallen asleep. This happened sometimes. Usually when their imaginary friend traveled. They would almost see the world the friend was in. Instead of being in a cell, Jai lay on a very cold, wet, hard surface. A rainforest type place maybe. The paths in front of the imaginary friend split, each one too misty to make out- except that one glowed.
“Left,” Jai replied casually.
“What- who’s there?” The imaginary friend from Jai’s childhood drew another much smaller rectangle from his side and suddenly it was still very thin but very, very long. He seemed to be holding it… a lightsaber? It glowed a soft blue color.
Of course. Jai had lots of trauma with lightsabers and Jedi and non-Jedi and getting older. They’d been craving the easy ways of their youth. It made sense that at the loss of sanity, they would imagine this. An older imaginary friend who used to be protective, being a monster. Someone to fear. Anyone with a weapon like that was an enemy. And, ironically, this enemy used to be their very best friend. And he was lost and needed their help.
Ah well.
“Go left,” Jai repeated defeatedly. Couldn’t they have one thing? Couldn’t they see their old friend again without it coming to this?
The imaginary friend turned in circles, head moving in all directions. His eyes were probably searching, looking for the source of Jai’s voice. This was usual too. “Where- who are you?”
“A friend.” Sometimes imaginary friends expected them, sometimes they were scared of them. Sometimes they just ignored them. Sometimes they freaked out. Jai wasn’t always friends with them at first, but it always ended up there. Everyone realized eventually that all Jai wanted to do was help. They could mess with them, but if they could give someone an easier path, why not? So what if they were fake? So what if Jai had always felt useless and helpless to such a level that their mind came up with people for them to help so they felt less so, even just a little bit? Jai could handle this. There were worse things to experience. “Look, you can ignore me or not believe me, but I’m telling you now that if you go left you’ll get closer to your goal. I swear on my life. On the life of those I care about. On my honor. On whatever you value and everything that I value.”
Their imaginary friend paused, looking toward the left path. It pained Jai more than anything they’d experienced at the hands of the Second Sister to see someone they used to be so close to treating them like they were foreign. He was the only one who came more than once. They used to talk to him all the time when they were a kid. When he’d fall, and they’d encourage him to get up and keep going because they knew he needed to hear it. When he was downtrodden and wanted to give up and they encouraged him because they knew he needed it. When he was lost, like he was now, and they knew he needed some direction. Not always lost in this way, either. There was one night… He was terrified. Being attacked. Running. He was confused and unsure and hesitant and distracted and Jai had been there to help him.To feel all of his fear and pain.
Even unto the end, when he exploded in a color of agony. He lost something. Something very important. And then Jai lost him.
Until now.
“I know you,” the imaginary friend suddenly said. “Those memories…” Jai was startled by this. He saw their memories? What they were thinking about? “You were there. I really did hear a voice all those times.”
“Of course you did.” Jai was getting irritated. This was weird. Very weird. They were tired and aching and this stupid imaginary friend who had ditched them forever ago was back and acting as if they’d been a figment of his imagination when it was the other way around. “Now go left, idiot.”
The imaginary friend chuckled. “Okay. Hey what’s your n-”
Suddenly he was gone, just as Jai watched him head toward the left path. The misty world faded and Jai opened their eyes to see the dark, empty cell. They sighed. Nice dreams never lasted. At first they thought they’d just woken up, but then the cell was opening and some part of their brain was aware that their few day long isolation had turned into weeks. How much time had passed? Surely they hadn’t been in that little dreamscape for so long. It all felt so jumbled…
Troopers forced Jai to their feet. They winced, but the Second Sister appeared in front of them and cut off their sounds of protest or questions. Jai was instantly too tired to form any words. The Second Sister turned away and the two troopers grabbed each of their upper arms, forcing them forward. “Finally gonna kill me then?”
The group turned a familiar path a few times and Jai felt dread. There were two places that Jai had been and only one path they’d taken between them. If they weren’t headed for the cells… to their horror, they did indeed return to the torture room. The room that had ruled their existence for who knows how long. That had been endless agony on immeasurable levels.
“No,” Jai mumbled, pulling against the troopers. They just held tighter, dragging now that Jai wasn’t willingly walking along with them. “I told you, I don’t know anything! Just kill me!”
The Second Sister turned to face Jai. “Killing you would be too easy. I’m going to drive you ever so slowly to the brink of death then let you come back. No more taking room. No more eating. You’ll hurt until you die, and then you’ll be nothing.”
Jai’s one accessible weakness: their need for survival. It would betray them now, as they begged and pleaded for death but didn’t get it for far, far too long. It would be red and purple and white for the next forever until Jai’s body finally gave in. They wouldn’t ever get to see Cal again. They wouldn’t get to see their imaginary friend who had finally come back. They wouldn’t get to get out of here. All things they already knew, but which seemed so much more terrible now, because not only would they never happen, but Jai would die crying and screaming and flailing. They’d die broken and lonely, surrounded by people who hated them so much they’d smile as the light faded from Jai’s eyes. And for what? Because Jai didn’t know Cal was affiliated with Jedi?
Fear. Like nothing they’d ever felt. More powerful than any pain they’d yet felt. More powerful than any other emotion they’d felt ever. It consumed them, taking complete control. Jai planted their feet and suddenly the tropers couldn’t move them anymore, no matter how hard they tried or what way they pushed or pulled. The air grew tense, warping around their bodies and.. materializing. Suddenly the blinding fear inside them was erupting from them, manifesting as white light. Screams could be heard, but it wasn’t from Jai. It was from the troopers. From the Second Sister. They all fell as the room was suddenly filled with lightning, and it was all coming from Jai.
On the ground, the Second Sister gasped as she looked at Jai as the lightning finally stopped. “You…” She was struggling, choking on the words as her body fought against her.
Jai’s eyes were wide. “What…?” Running didn’t even seem to occur to them. Perhaps because, over everything, their sentence was cut off as they collapsed into a heap of bones and blood, completely passed out.
When the Second Sister finally got control of her body again, more troopers had come at the commotion of the noise. They had guns drawn. “Put those away, you idiots!” They were obviously confused but did as they were told. The Second Sister moved to Jai’s still body, a twisted smile forming on her unseen lips. “You really were hiding something, eh?”
A secret not even Jai knew: they could use the Force.
Before releasing Subterfuge of Love Volume 3 Words Kept Apart From Those Who Are Precious And Close To You on Amazon we are releasing it here first, page by page for proofreading. Feel free to comment, it is a draft, it can stand criticism.
Arrange, Undo
Two single beds, pulled together
Beneath a window for the light
Two heads, then as ever
Offer words of hope
All of the day
All of the night
When…
Two single beds, pulled together Beneath a window for the light Two heads, then as ever Offer words of hope All of the day And all of the night As the aeroplane finally touches down On the small-state runway Expectation, with deep insight Two bodies, then as ever Working out how to cope All of the day And all of the night Two lives, struggled from the start Two bodies two beds, then, as ever…
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