#punkabella

[the-left-out-and-lonely]

i really really really want to meet you.

i need to actually, i forgive you for everything and i accept every single apology you gave.i want to meet you so we can talk face to face, no screens, no bullshit. just words. i doubt you’ll even see this, but if you do i......im sorry. 

[fears-destroy-dreams]

I hate seeing people fighting. Especially when one pushes the other to tears because they haven’t figured out how to talk to one another. Alcohol should not have been consumed tonight because that shit fixes nothing. It makes it worse. I love these two people dearly I am always here for them but they need to just stop and figure each other’s differences out. If they can’t then bad things are going to happen and myself and somebody else Is going to cop the collateral damage which I can’t let happen. The both of us have our own personal shit to deal with and I don’t want so see my best friend deteriorate because shes doing so well at the moment and I am so proud. I feel like I’m the middle ground between the two who are fighting because they both bitch about the other to me and I don’t know what opinion to have or what to say to help or who to side with. I’m too quiet and shy to speak out because I get talked over and no one listens to a word I say anyways. My main focus will always be my best friend and her well being. It hurts to see her upset. On top of all this I have my own problems. My depression has been more present the last few days because of someone who was so important to me and I loved her…or love still I don’t even know and for reasons unknown to me she lied about her whole life. Different country, knowing famous people, having this amazing amazing life and having the problems from the depths of hell. Which once I found out all this it ruined me and I’m still not over it. Two years we spoke and it’s been two years since we spoke. Four years ago I met someone who would change my life for the better and save my life and two years ago I got out of the most toxic friendship I’ve ever had. I now know why I’m still holding onto this. It’s because I do still care for this person I really do hope you read this. I’m tossing up whether to tag your URL. All I want is answers. Why you lied. I’d have loved you the same if you’d been honest with me the whole time. When we reconnected for that short while it was amazing but I felt it heading down the same track even though I’m sure it wasn’t but I want that initial friendship we had back even though it crushed me in the end. I haven’t cried properly in years until now. I let emotions and feeling build and build and build so I seem like I don’t feel stress or emotions or anything but I do. I’m stressed all the time and I can never get bad thoughts out of my head. What makes matters worse is I have blades and I want to use them but in all honesty I’m not going to use them because if I relapse I’ll never stop. I just need help. I need a lot of help and not a lot of people ask if I’m okay. One person asks. One singular being. Her and my cat are what’s saving me they’re keeping me alive because bad thoughts are in my head and not much makes them go away. I push them out of my thoughts with music and acting like I haven’t a care in the world but they’re there. My pillow is soaked. I’m going to have to turn it over. I feel like my problems are so fucking insignificant compared to others. I want to be loved and my cat is fucking useless when I’m crying. But I’m going to cuddle her anyway. I love my cat.

[the-left-out-and-lonely]

If you had just been honest the whole time we would still be friends. I still don't understand why you lied. I would have liked you for you if only you'd shown me who that was.