The other night whilst talking with my dear friend, Miss Smudge Wullymammoth, I came to a realization that the expression 'making mountains out of molehills' is merely the tip of the iceberg for women. I'm going to go ahead and postulate (bigwordwoah!) that the women of the world, more often then not, resort to pulling grandiose assumptions straight out of thin air and manifest an intricate tale involving the entire emotional spectrum of life. Allow me to use some examples to further demonstrate what is clearly sung by Air Supply:
Man texts a woman: Hey, I'm going to be late :(
Woman's translation: Why is he late? What is he doing? Where is he? Is he stuck in traffic? If he was stuck in traffic then he I hope there isn't a car accident...Did you know that 9 out of 10 car accidents happen when men are going to pick up women from dates? Wait....did he say he was going to get his car washed? Yeah, I think he meant he was going to get his car washed and he's sad that it's taking so long. But why is he getting his car washed? Did he spill something? What did he spill? He is probably cleaning up his cousin's ex-girlfriend's dog's burrito from a year ago. Yep.
Man texts a woman: Hey, I'm going to be late ;p
Woman's translation: Oh my god, he's so cute. He's totes gonna make it up to me with butterflies and shooting stars! AW SO CUTE. I'm gonna go stalk him on Facebook until he arrives. (Please note that my personal translation would be something along the lines of this: Who the f-bomb winks and sticks their tongue out at the same time? VOMIT IN MY MOUTH, DIARRHEA IN MY PANTS.)
Woman's translation: OHMYGODGODGOOOODDDDDDD he HATES me. What did I do? Do I smell? Did I forget to pluck my unibrow? Do I have a booger? Do I have peanut butter encrusted on my mouth from my toast this morning? Oh my god its because I have my period and he can totally tell that my uterus is 0.345 times its regular size.
Woman's translation: OHMYGODGODGOOOODDDDDDD he LOVES me. HE LOOOOVES ME! I can't believe it. Wait, but I don't love him. Or do I? I wonder if he would dance in the rain with me....I wonder how many kids he wants...will he let me name them? I think I'm gonna name them Tinker and Taco. Or should I name our dogs that? No I heard that using eccentric nomenclature is en vogue these days. Zeuzilius Unicornus for a boy and Ballern4ia Macy (silent 4) for a girl. Speaking of names, should I change my last name? Does Lillian Gosling sound okay? Mrs Gosling....MRS GOSLINNNNG.....hmmmm what about if I sign things......does the cursive still flow? Is hyphenating a possibility? Lillian Parsons-Gosling. Nope that doesn't work. Shit. SHIT. SHITTTTTTTTT. Oh well, he loves me.
