#quagtext

[merrymerrill-blog1]

helo tumblr

So I just wanted to say I’m doing really well! I’m doing well in school and I’m working a lot but things are going pretty well there too. I’m working on a short film which I’m very excited about and spending time with my friends and life is generally pretty good.

But I also wanted to say that I’m probably going to continue to stay away from Tumblr for a while. I’m not deleting the app or anything, it’s just that, while I was in a mutually unhealthy relationship that ended up making myself and my former partner very unhappy toward the end, both of us used Tumblr a lot.

We’ve since broken up, and things are much, much better, but Tumblr is still something that reminds me of a Really Bad Time mental health-wise, and since my whole goal in life is to keep moving forward and doing better and being better, I think it’s a bad idea for me to spend too much time on this site. Plus it can be really distracting during the school year, in a way that other social media isn’t as much.

I will probably be back one day, but if you want to unfollow, no hard feelings, okay? And if you want to keep up with me, I’m reasonably active on Twitter and Letterboxd so if you want my usernames on those, just message me!

[merrymerrill-blog1]

sorry if I'm not on as often by the way! between school and work and trying to prioritize my irl friendships, I may not be on here as often/ever really and it doesn't help that this app eats data but...ya know. shrugging emoji

[merrymerrill-blog1]

i may have done bad things, but I'm not a bad person. I'm learning. I'm doing better now than I was.

[merrymerrill-blog1]

Pokemon Go keeps telling me I'm walking too fast...buddy this isn't even my final form

[merrymerrill-blog1]

I'm sorry if I sound stupid or pathetic repeating myself I'm just trying to remind myself that I'm doing well, trying to remind myself to keep going. i feel bad sometimes posting such personal things on my blog, but you know what? this is my blog. i'm allowed to talk to myself here so. i'm going to keep right on talking to myself.

[merrymerrill-blog1]

and I'm not going to pretend that in the most severe stages of my mental illness I didn't hurt people. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I hurt my ex. And I'll own up to that because I'm a shitty person if I don't. But I'm moving forward. My roommate and my irl friends were here. They saw first-hand what a bad place I was in, saw me with their own eyes, and reassured me that it didn't make me unloveable. I know my limits now and honestly, though I wish I could have found this happiness and self-awareness without hurting myself and others, I know myself better now. I know what I can handle and what I can't and I am not going to put myself in situations I can't handle anymore. And I'm honestly happier. I feel like there's a weight that's no longer on me. I feel like the worst is behind me. I'm going to keep growing and becoming better and it will be fine.

[merrymerrill-blog1]

honestly this summer may have been very hard for me and it may have been the worst place mental health wise I've been in in my life but here's the thing i'm getting better at handling my mental illness and not relying on other people to do what I should be able to do for myself i may still have anxiety attacks almost every time I go to work. but I can get myself out of them now, using pretty healthy coping mechanisms. (granted it's really nerdy because it often means absorbing information from a fandom wiki but if it helps me not be panicky anymore oh well) i have a nice apartment, that can be a home away from home for my friends. i actually have emotional spoons left over enough to be positive and supportive to my friends the way they deserve i'm growing. i may repeat it to myself a lot on days like these, when i worry that I'm regressing, but i am becoming better. and healthier, day by day. i'm putting the effort in. i don't feel well today but i'm going to do well, i'm going to get up and put some comfortable clothes on and go to my classes i'm going to enjoy that really picturesque walk from my apartment to campus and listen to happy music. i'm going to have a Good Day.

[merrymerrill-blog1]

not to be all "self-care uwu" but I seriously have to take better care of myself this school year i'm not going to let myself get as low as i was before and i am going to give myself what I need because I deserve to feel alright ✌🏻️