I wanna feel love: Part 10
Freddie always loved to be spoiled. He liked to be taken care of and he liked to take care of somebody he loved. It was one of his ways to show his love and it was in his nature to ask for it. So, naturally, he over-enjoyed himself with John's well-intentioned nannying, as he helped him take off his t-shirt, put him in bed and covered him with the blankets. When John turned off the light, ready to leave the room Freddie purred " Won't you stay here for the night, dear?"
John turned back and smiled at him "I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep my word to you...if I lay next to you, again..." John admitted and blushed heavily.
Freddie giggled and hid his face in his hands, just like a little child who had just been extremely complimented, not so secretly loving John's answer. "I'll see you tomorrow then" he said sheepishly and saw John walk back to him. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on Freddie's dimple, right next to his mouth, rubbing his cheek on Freddie's for only a moment. Freddie giggled again and kissed John back on his cheek.
"Goodnight!" John said as he ran his hand in Freddie's hair.
"Goodnight!" Freddie wished back.
Freddie woke up early the next morning. He was still feeling a slight headache from yesterday's beers but, generally, he was ok. He had slept quite well despite being afraid of seeing another nightmare once John had left his room. 'I really hope nightmares are over' he wished with all his heart although he could see himself feeling much much better psychologically.
His life was getting better, he could feel that. He was eager of all the new and exciting things that would come along his way -their way-, Queen's way and of course, Freddie's and John's way. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled. He got up and ran to the window wishing to see a bright sun, not a dull, cloudy sky as the one from the previous days.
The sun wasn't as bright and warm as Freddie wanted it to be -it was only mid-March anyway- but it was there, nevertheless. It was enough to let positivity overwhelm him and fill his heart with the yearning of the new kiss -the warm and gentle kiss of the spring- as it was approaching him. 'Approaching us' he thought and smiled widely, with John in his mind. He opened the window and breathed in deeply, letting the cold air reach every fiber of his body.
With an air of expectancy in his face, he took a shower, put on a clean t-shirt and some short pants and carefully opened John's door. It was still dark in there and Freddie could hardly see John laying on his side, with his head facing the door. He stood there, under the door frame, not wanting to wake him up and smiled widely at him. He sent him a huge kiss full of love and slowly took a step backward, pulling the door to close it.
"Goodmorning to you, too!" John's voice invited him to stay. Freddie lifted his head to look at John and smiled, again.
"I am" John said, beckoning at him to come closer by crooking his finger.
Freddie catwalked his way to John; lithely and gracefully and kneeled in front of John's eye height, looking at him lovingly with his warm brown eyes. John moved his head closer to Freddie and then his body, remaining silent as he watched Freddie act instinctively by leaning his head forward and slightly repositioning himself so he could smoothly touch John's cheek with his own, making their noses brush.
"It's sunny, today!" Freddie whispered.
John, slightly opened his lips and brushed them on Freddie's and then turned his head, just so, to bury his nose in the small sensitive area underneath Freddie's ear, taking in a deep breath of his body scent. He heard Freddie gasp, as he brushed his lips on his neck. Freddie indulged in John's soft, leisure pattern made by his fingers at the back of his head and neck and John indulged in Freddie's delicate lip brushing against his forehead and eyebrows.
John felt Freddie's cheekbones moving slightly on his cheeks and chuckled at the feeling, "mm-hmm"
"Can I lay with you?" he asked softly.
"Gladly!" John immediately beamed and moved back to make Freddie some room on his bed.
Freddie laid next to him on his back feeling John's hand wrap around his waist. He let out a sigh of content and turned his head to John. "I'm sorry for my behaviour last night," he said "I didn't mean to be.."
"Jealous?" John cut him off with a smirk.
"Well... yeah, that too but I meant rude." he sighed in embarrassment.
"When...I left during the movie...and-"
"Oh! You mean because you got jealous?" John taunted him, pulling him closer.
Freddie swallowed "and then... I threw myself-"
"I can't recall what you're talking about, Freddie." John cut him of and gave him a small pinch on his cheek.
"Thank you...I was being-"
"No worries." John said playfully, tapping on his nose.
Freddie smiled and nodded his head.
He took a deep breath and buried himself in John's arms, hugging him tightly. John slowly, got on top of him, kissing him on his face and neck.
It didn't take him long to feel John's cock press his own hardening one and start blushing. He wriggled beneath him, taken over by shyness he couldn't really understand. He was getting hard too and that was natural and expected and really welcome cause he had fallen in love with John and he wanted to get intimate with him.
But despite all that, something was holding him back. And now, that he wasn't drunk, he felt like he couldn't let John get on with him because he wasn't totally honest with him. Freddie wriggled again.
John, sensing Freddie's discomfort got off of him and laid beside him, changing the matter.
"I wanna show you something!" he said "get ready to go out!"
Freddie raised his head and looked at John. "And.., what will you do here?" he pouted his lips.
"I'm not staying here, silly!" John laughed. "I'm coming with you, of course!"
"Oh! ok! I thought-" he smiled nervously.
'We'll take the car! we're gonna take a small trip!" John said and with a jump he was out of bed, pulling Freddie with him. "Now... why don't you go and put on one of those gorgeous pants of yours and a nice t-shirt and meet me downstairs?"
"Which pants?" Freddie laughed and shivered in John's hands.
"Oooh...I don't knooow..." John stretched the words "perhaps one of your new ones?" he raised his brow and smirked at Freddie, tightening his grasp around his waist.
John saw Freddie's bare arms prickling with goosebumps as he impulsively leaned his torso on him, touching him on his shoulders with the tips of his fingers. Freddie's touch was as soft as Jonh had dreamt it to be... he closed his eyes and heard Freddie whisper his name in the way he longed for too much... soft, almost melted but also inviting and all the way seductive and sensual.
He had tried many times to stifle his feelings for Freddie, telling himself that he was with Mary and that he wasn't gay and if all the powers of the universe conspired on John's favour and Freddie was gay, he would never have liked John back.
But, the love he had for him and the lust that was burning him inside always remained there, hidden, suppressed and silenced.
Now, with Freddie in his arms and Freddie's touch on his body these feelings were so eagerly screaming to be on the loose, he found it hard to contain himself and keep his word of letting him feel ready before rushing to each other and then regret it.
"Never" John babbled his last thought. He could never regret it. He smiled widely as he kissed Freddie's spot between his eyebrows. Then he kissed him on his chin, something that made Freddie bury himself even deeper, in John's arms.
"Maybe I should get ready..." Freddie mumbled through giggles.
"Ok" John reluctantly agreed and kissed him again and then again and then once more on his cheek, before let him butterfly out of the room.
It took them an hour to reach their destination. John had insisted on Freddie wearing a blindfold to intensify his curiosity and his eagerness, something that made Freddie quite anxious about where he was being driven.
When John parked the car, he took Freddie by his hand and helped him walk with his blindfold still on, enjoying Freddie's little threats of making him wear a rabbit suit on stage or making him eat every food he would attempt to cook for a whole week. He laughed at every single one of them.
When John finally stopped walking, he let him take the blindfold off and took a step behind him. Freddie blinked his eyes to adjust his vision back to the daylight and gasped loudly at the stunning view in front of him.
"Aah!" he clenched at his chest "Oh my God!" he exclaimed.
John was standing behind him, smiling, as he watched Freddie losing himself in the vibrant cheerful sight of the daffodils. The wonderful display in Hampton Court Palace was almost in full bloom. Thousands of yellow, white and orange daffodils have been bred there and despite the previous day's rain the view was breathtaking.
Freddie turned to John "How...how did you know?" he asked and stretched his hand to him.
"I came here two years ago, with some friends from college and I felt mesmerized by the view..." John smiled as he took Freddie's hand and stepped next to him.
They remained silent for some moments with Freddie throwing side glances at John while he was contemplating the remarkable riverside gardens which were stretching away before the eye.
Freddie saw John open his mouth to speak but he closed it shortly after. He heard him let a deep sigh and fixed his eyes on him.
"Daffodils remind me of you." John whispered and Freddie felt his heart pound. "Come, let's have a walk..." he said and caught Freddie's hand in his own, again.
They ambled through the narrow paths among the dozens of acres abloom with many different kinds of daffodils, soaking up the colourful scenery. The yellow ones were the most cheerful of all, almost as bright as the summer sun in the southern countries.
'Freddie seems to be in his natural place', John thought and smiled, 'among flowers'.
He sat on a stone bench and watched Freddie loiter and dally over the flowers, taking his time to stoop down every now and then and smell some of them, mumbling and singing around enjoying the beautiful scenery. John watched every single move Freddie was making, not wanting to miss anything.
At the end, Freddie minced towards him with his hands on his hips and stood right in front of him. He licked his lips as he looked down at him and in a childish voice he asked "why?" pouting his lips.
"Why do daffodils remind you of me?"
"Oh! That one..." he said and leaned back to support himself on his elbows.
Freddie nodded and sat beside him. "I wanna know..." he said as he drew a line on John's thigh with his forefinger.
John tilted his head back, letting the sun gently kiss his face. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.
"Daffodils represent to us -the British- what swallows stand for the people of the southern countries..." he said in a soft tone as if he was narrating a fairytale. He imagined Freddie gazing at him, closely, and smiled as he continued "Daffodils are a sign of spring's long awaited advent. After the coldness... and the darkness of winter, a bright and refreshing morning is just ahead of us..." John said without opening his eyes.
"Mm hmm" Freddie hummed and squirmed closer, laying on the bench, facing John. It felt as if John had heard his morning thoughts when he saw the sun, waiting for them. He leaned his head on John's shoulder and rested his hand on John's torso as he heard him carry on.
"Daffodils may look plain and simple but... they are full of life and... they are delicate and despite their delicacy and their daintiness...-" John smiled as he felt Freddie's breath on his neck and kissed his cheek again "they stand courageously to winter and they defy him...and they mock him right to his face, being the first flowers to blossom. They are gentle but at the same time they show their true nature by standing tall, welcoming spring. And that's why they remind me of you." he concluded.
Freddie stayed there trying to take in John's words. He couldn't believe that John, his friend, was thinking all these beautiful things for him. He opened his eyes and gazed at him. He was there, so sweet and tender, holding him close to his chest with a smile plastered on his face.
'He is aware of how I think about myself and he's telling all these things -pretending to be in love with me- just to make me stop thinking like this...or is he actually in love with me despite everything?' Freddie thought. 'He has said so many beautiful things to me these days... He can't be pretending...can he?' he wondered.
'You know John more than anyone else in London... you goof!' his inner voice answered at once. 'He looks so happy next to you!'
Freddie sighed and closed his eyes again.
'But this is not what you are scared of. Is it. Cause, you know John and he could never play with you this way...'
Freddie sighed again and pressed his face on John's body.
"Is everything all right?" John's calm voice sounded in his ears.
"John...I have to tell you something... and I'm afraid that you won't have the same opinion for me... after you hear it... and..." he paused, feeling a lumb in his throat and the first tears swelling up in his eyes "..and I'm afraid I'll lose you before...before I even get the chance to... to have you." his voice turned into a whisper as he left John's hug and sat properly on the bench. He wiped the tears with his fingers and hid his face in his palms.
John mimicked him and sat on the bench, looking at him with worried eyes. "Freddie, it's ok sweetheart. You can tell me anything... " he said softly.
Freddie stood up with his back turned to John, not being able to face him as he started.
"I... me and Mary... no." He stopped and sighed deeply. "It was... some months ago when I... no no." he stopped again, trying to put his thoughts in order.
"Freddie," John stood up and put his hand on his shoulder but Freddie stepped away as soon as he felt it.
He had to tell John or else he wouldn't be honest with him and he wanted to be crystal clear with the man who made his heart beat fast in his chest. Although it wasn't John's business, Freddie felt that John deserved to know what had happened in his life, till now.
"John, please, let me talk to you first and then... you are free to decide what you want to do. Ok?" he asked, without looking at him.
"Ok then, go on...tell me." John answered and sat at the bench.
"I...during these past months when I was avoiding you and the guys and... I was going out alone, I..." he sighed "I met... I visited some bars -some gay bars- and I've met some guys and.. had sex with them and... I kept running back at them..." he said and lowered his head. "Romantically. I wanted to be in a relationship with them. With...most of them. I... wasn't faithful to Mary and... and I couldn't help myself from falling for those guys."
"So?" John's voice sounded as calm as before and Freddie thought that he hadn't paid attention to him, at all.
He turned, in question, to face him just when John walked next to him. They both looked straight into each others eyes. Freddie bit his lower lip and closed his eyes, feeling ashamed of looking at John. Silent tears fell on his cheeks just before John cupped his face in his hands.
"So?" John asked again. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I'm not as strong as you think I am, John!" a muffled cry escaped his mouth "or... or as innocent as you believe..." he tried to free himself from John's touch, "I've lied to all of you, many times and I don't-"
"Shhh" John whispered as he tried to hold him in his arms. He grabbed Freddie from his waist and made him stay there as he tried to look him in the eye again. "Are you done?" he asked, putting his right arm around Freddie's waist and using his left one to lift his chin up so he could look at him. "Freddie, the fact that you fell for those men, it doesn't matter." John said, decisively. "It simply justifies why I think of you like that!" John said quietly. "You are as innocent as I think you are cause your heart is so pure and so gentle! It doesn't matter that you lied to us or that you had sex with them." he went on, in such an understanding and at the same time so passionate tone. His eyes full of love stared at Freddie's who was standing completely rigid in front of him, staring somewhere above John's shoulder. "Nobody has the right to judge you for that... not me, not the guys, not even yourself." he ended and took a step back.
Freddie's eyes hovered back at John "so... you... you still like me?" he asked timidly.
"If only you could see yourself the way I do..." John smiled and opened his arms for him.
Freddie fell in his arms and hugged him tightly. "I was so afraid of losimg you..." he sniffled. "How can you be so perfect?" he managed.
"I really don't know!" John laughed and looked at Freddie again. His face was peaceful now, all the tension he felt earlier had disappeared and the tears had dried on his cheeks. "I only know that I love you" he whispered and wrapped him in his arms again, without giving him a moment to recover his breathing back to normal after what he had just heard.
They relaxed and enjoyed their hug, feeling their heartbeat in the same rhythm as the time went by, letting an aura of serenity comfort them, amidst the bustling city.
"John," Freddie whispered "how did you feel when I introduced you to Veronica and said that you would make a nice couple?"
John laughed and motioned to continue their walk. "Honestly?" he asked, receiving a nod from Freddie. "I wanted to punch you for being so blind!" he exclaimed.
"Oh God... What a fool..." he laughed as he mocked himself "I only wanted to help, dear... I'm sorry. I shouldn't get involved."
John laughed again and pulled Freddie close to him as they walked among the daffodils. "At least Mary had a good time with you until you broke up..." he said and threw a side glance at him.
"Mmm not exactly, dear. We didn't have sex since last September."
"I know." John hummed as he bent and cut a white daffodil.
"John you aren't supposed to cut the flowers! We aren't even allowed to touch them!" Freddie cried and span around himself a couple of times to see if anyone had saw them.
"Pretend you didn't see me then and stop shouting!" John said and stood up quickly. He grabbed Freddie's hand and walked away.
"So... how do you know about it?" Freddie asked.
"I... well, I used to leave the house every time she spent the night in your room." John admitted and cleared his throat. "Or at least until you two had fallen asleep..." he said, looking the other way.
Freddie chuckled and kissed John on his cheek. "I did the same thing" he giggled.
"Yeah..." John laughed. "The point is that... I've never had sex with Veronica."
"Really?" Freddie's eye's widened.
"Mm hmm" John hummed and bent down to cut another flower.
"But... you were together for five months. Right?"
John chuckled hearing Freddie speak about him and Veronica in the past tense. He turned his face to him. "You mean, we are together for five months..." he said, trying to sound serious.
Freddie swallowed as he glanced at John's smug expression. "Well... yes. Yes, of course." he muttered, looking down and licked his lips nervously. He glanced at John again and saw him cut two more flowers.
"Oh! Did you think that I'd ask her to break up, too?" he looked up at him, again and raised his eyebrows.
Freddie's gaze fell and he shook his head fervently, pressing his lips together. He was never good at hiding his disappointment. He suddenly resumed his walk, leaving John behind who smiled contently at Freddie's reaction.
"Cause if you thought so..." he said loud enough for Freddie to hear him, "you were right!"
Freddie stopped and turned around.
He looked at John as if he was asking "really?"
John reached him and smiled "Freddie, I spend my days thinking of you and talking about you! Especially when I'm with Veronica. Yesterday was not an exception... I couldn't keep my eyes off of you!-"
"You liked the pants, huh?" Freddie smirked, feeling a bit stupid about his reaction of walking away from John.
"The pants were just the cherry on the top!" John grinned making Freddie gasp. He stepped closer and handed him the small bouquet. "By the way, in case you didn't get it, these are for you!" he laughed.
Freddie grinned at him with a full grin and took the flowers. "I'm stupid. I know..." he mumbled with a small frown "but you're even more stupid than I am for liking me!" he laughed and thanked John for the bouquet.
When they returned home it was late afternoon. They had spent their morning admiring the daffodils and then they had lunch at the small Asian restaurant near their house. They walked for some time in the neighbourhood, talking and laughing and when the sun set and they felt cold, they drove back at their house.
John was making Freddie's heart beat in a fast, happy rhythm and Freddie was falling in love with John, more and more with every second, eagerly and thirstily. His cheeks were aching from smiling and laughing so very often. He could feel butterflies in his stomach every time John smiled at him and something was telling him that this time, it would be different. He only had to let himself indulge the moment, the feeling, the sentiment... It was John, the one who Freddie had fallen for... and John, was already his best friend.
"Wow!" Freddie laughed as they entered the house. He took John's hand in his, again. "I feel like I lost all the calories I gained, dear!"
John grinned "I had a great day, today!" tightening his grip on Freddie's hand.
"Me too, darling! Thank you for it!" Freddie couldn't stop smiling.
